No drive and boyfriend gets angry

[Bobby72]

I am the same as Joslin and we are good friends and as to me I just can't do it like my girlfriend want to do it actually causes me pain down there sometimes I feel so bad and the other day she wanted sex and I was looking like I had just had a stroke my face was messed up lopsided on the left side and my speech was slurred and pain down my left arm and she expected sex anyways and when I say I can't she acts like a 13 year old having a fit. So just to let you know it's not just the men that acts like this

[couponlady]

Been married for 30 years and i am dealing with the same immature reactions my hubby has about me not even wanting sex. I do it with him when i feel up to it. Men need sex more than women and totally view it differently. If you say no, they hear,you dont love me. My hubby has finally realized that i am not the same as when i was younger. We have had many fights, i left twice because i couldn't take the stress it would cause me to think, ok is he gonna bother me again? Are we gonna fight again? Its not easy to get them to understand it all. Your definitely not alone.

[misslux]

Is everything okay with you?

[Denise Marie]

Understand, but...

I am not at all surprised to read your update and more of the history. My first inclination was not to respond. But having been a single Mom of a disabled child for 15-years (she is 25 now), I feel an obligation to leave you with some thoughts that fall under "tough-love".

At some point, you may be able to reread what you wrote and see how much of your explanation is a "justification" of his behavior. There is none, plain and simple. Nobody, but nobody "changes completely"-I don't care WHAT drugs they are taking. This individual has a proven pattern. You may see some very temporary changes, but the operative word is TEMPORARY. I doubt that you like what you are reading right now, because I sure didn't like hearing the truth when I thought I was so in love with a dysfunctional person. But if you are not ready to hear this, I pray you can for the sake of your DAUGHTER. This was the only approach that forced me to see things I did not want to see; I could never allow anything to even indirectly harm my child. Children see and hear much more than many of us care to acknowledge. This is not healthy for either of you- no, not even with him living "nearby".

Obviously, the choice is yours. My final caution is that even your support network will weaken if you knowingly remain with an abusive person. But 9-1-1 is always there-don't be afraid to use it.

[Jrasted79]

I have an update. I sat him down and in a very caring way told him that his behavior is not normal. I used some resources from the computer in regards to anger, bi-polar, and anxiety. He fell apart saying that he thought he was normal and everyone else was just crazy. We ended up going to a crisis center and it helped a lot. Since he has started Ativan he's has changed completely. He's still leaving but at least I feel better knowing he's leaving with some education and coping skills.

It's weird cuz I've been single for 7-8 years and I'm only 34 lol. I have always been independent and left relationships at the first sign of something funky. My daughters dad hit me while I was pregnant. He apologized but I was on the next flight home. There is no excuse. The only reason I think I gave joe an inch this time is because when we were young he saved me from abuse at home. He was my safe place. Were only 13. I don't know if I mentioned before that we were each other's first love for almost two years we were inseparable. We shared many firsts together and he was so special to me and now we had just found each other after 20 years.

There's so much good about him but it will never matter if he can't get a handle on his anger. That is what people tend to remember. His sex drive is less now, I guess it's the Ativan. But that's just a band aid so I can't just go back and trust him. There's a lot of work to be done here and if he truly loves me he will follow through with therapy even when I'm not there to harp on him to go.

He still has these outrageous plans that aren't realistic. He wants to by this piece of land for 179$ a month (he has no steady work) and bring his 3 kids back out here for the summer and stay in a Winnebago parked on the land. No electricity or water hook ups. I think that would be considered an unsafe environment for the kids. I told him I love kids but in my condition I can't have 6 people in my one bedroom home for the summer. Especially 4 of them being kids. I would love for him to get his own place and be near but he is so unrealistic and if I try to break down the real life steps to achieve his plans he gets upset because it shows him that his plans can't happen.

It's just too much stress for this sick ole girl. I appreciate everyone's concerns. I can't wait to have my space and sanity back.

[Denise Marie]

HEED THESE WARNINGS

My God, I just stumbled across this thread. ...

Dear Woman, many of us have been in some form of nightmarish abuse. PLEASE do not rationalize that "this is different". Those who have walked in your shoes know the red flags when we see them. Many understand your vulnerability on so many levels, but your life depends on you absolutely removing this individual from your life.

Please DO NOT HESITATE to call 9-1-1 the second you consider it. DO NOT try to talk yourself out of it or rethink it.
That inner voice is there for a reason -your survival.

You have many people who care about what happens to you-don't ever forget this.

[Cat Mom]

This has upset me greatly, I can't imagine how you feel. My ex husband was abusive but NOTHING compared to what you're going through!

I was with him for 16 years, married for 12 and had 3 great kids together. He stepped out of line only a couple of times per year, I could easily brush it off but then it started to affect my kids. Also, he worked 3-11 pm and I worked 8-4 so we didn't spend a lot of time together.

Splitting up was one of the only things we did right. He actually ended up being a better dad and a decent bloke!

If there's one thing I learned (from counselling that I went to without him) is that this behaviour was NORMAL to him due to growing up in a home where his dad abused his mom. I was blessed with parents that regularly showed love, not fighting in front of us. In fact, I didn't even know that kids had bad childhoods until I met a troubled friend at 12 or 13. I just assumed every kid had it as great as I did!!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is find a safe place to go until the 6th. Don't try to reason with him, it will just create more angst on both your parts and you do not need this. I would go so far as to stop into your local police station and file a report... just in case. They won't let him know this but at least there's something on file should you need to get a restraining order. My guess is that things will be more tense as the 6th approaches.

I'm sorry if I sound stern, it's not something to be taken lightly. I know far too much about abuse, my 3 step-sons moved in with us at ages 12, 13 and 15 due to their mother's abuse... my husband got sole custody in 2009.

I don't ever say this but email address is in my profile if you want to chat, I'm very worried about you. Please don't take any chances, stay safe, check in with someone, like your mom or a close friend, regularly.

Please don't forget to keep us informed too.

Jen

[Bobby72]

Hi Jocelyn I'm so sorry that you are going through this I felt like something was wrong cause we normally talk and text each other I hope you know that Angel and I are here for you. I truly am sorry if you need anything try and call or text us. And please let me know your o.k. your my friend and I care for you and Olivia as well. Let me know if he hurts you me and Mike and my nephew Tommy will be there to make him leave you told me his family is up here so if need be maybe he can stay with them and let me know if that is a solution for you till he can get back to Colorado. Take care your friend Bobby

[Jrasted79]

Thanks for the advice. I live way too far from San Bernardino. I have this domestic abuse app that will send a message to my mom and she knows what's going on. I've been through too much in my life and I don't deserve this now. I've been single for many years and just wanted to be loved. Who better than my first love, ya right. I should have listened to mom, I really don't know him. I've never seen so many red flags in such a short period if time.

I'd rather struggle than have someone around that scares me, tries to take away all my independence, and am afraid of saying anything in fear of him starting a fight. I've always been a tomboy and worked on my own cars, I still do with little things. He got mad cuz I was trouble shooting my radiator fan by switching the relay switches. He was upset like I knew more than him. It's all silly stuff and then he stomps off shaking and throwing things.

I tried to explain things to him today but he just doesn't see anything wrong and it's all my fault because I don't explain everything *** thing to him. I tell him every time he comes on to me that I'm in pain and that I have no sex drive. I'm sick of having to say it three times a day. He just likes to start fights and I'm not like that.

He thought he noticed that I didn't recycle even though I told him 5 times to stop throwing trash in the recycling container. I told him I store them in the garage and it's for emergency and money for gas for doctors appointments. He found an old container so now he goes around collecting cans from the house and throws them in his container saying," my cans, my cans!" I seriously think he may be crazy or mentally not there.

I keep bringing up therapy and he says he's not weak. Only weak people need therapy. Then he had a chance to meet a guy the other day for a job, he had nothing going on but instead said he'll meet the guy on Wednesday. I said what if someone else meets him today and gets the job. He said his demeanor and experience will blow anyone else out of the water. I seriously thought to myself, you are a ***!!!

I can't wait to have my old life back. Everyday tasks will go back to being harder but it's so much better than fear and anxiety. I'm just gonna spend a lot of time with mom until he leaves.

[DebbieB]

Jrasted,

I'm just now reading this thread. I am very glad to hear you have decided to leave your partner (or have him leave). This is an abusive relationship (physically, sexually, and emotionally).

I am, however, very concerned that you continue to live together until the 6th. I'm not judging, believe me, we all negotiate many aspects of our lives daily.

There is a domestic violence shelter in the San Bernandino area called Option House. They have a 24 hour/7 day a week hotline number (which you may have to google "san bernandino AND domestic violence" AND "option house"), but I'll try putting the number here: 909-381-3471.

Please keep us posted. Good luck and stay safe.

[misslux]

Please stay safe, call 911 if you get an inkling something is awry. Please keep us updated!

[Jrasted79]

Well he kind of dropped everything in Colorado where he lives to come "help" me. He has to wait to get paid till he can go back. It was already planned that he would go back and then move here a month later. I had a horrible primary care doc so he said he'd pay cash each month for this new doc but I won't be able to afford to pay myself so I'm going to have to withdrawal from my pain meds. He came in and changed everything and I can't keep up with what he has changed. I know it's my own fault. I did fight all these changes but he said everything is changed and I have to get used to it.

I think he saw me as an ill person having a hard time so I would be to weak to fight back. Like an easy target. I want to tell him how I feel but I'm scared to. I just want my home back to myself. I have no safe place anymore and I'm frantic without that

[Kimba22]

Making him leave is the best thing you can do, living in a state of constant anxiety and fear causes all kinds of health problems, besides making MS worse. And any relationship like that will only get worse.

You vent all you want to! We are just happy that you are okay!

My one big question is, why are you waiting until the 6th?

If he's already showing all these signs of abuse and anger, I'm also very concerned he's not leaving for close to two weeks. Giving him an ultimatum to get out is only going to add more fuel to his anger. He ought to be out already, as you'll be the next thing he decides to kick and throw down, or worse! If he won't leave, call the cops. Tell them his threats and your concerns for both your and your daughter's safety. We want you to stay OK, as well as your daughter!!!!

[hunterd]

I am done, he leaves on the 6th, and he's not coming back. I am so independent and he wants me to give everything up to him. This has all the red flags of an abusive relationship. I've been trying to write this in secret since I got up. I've been awake 3 hours, I've been crying from pain the whole time and he's already started 3 arguments with me. I just switched from a free Medicaid doctor to one I pay for. I got out of an appt late the other day. He over heard a conversation I was having with my mom. She was saying now that I'm paying out of pocket that you would think I wouldn't have to wait 3-4 hours like before. He said that it was a snide comment and now he thinks she's an ***.

I'm sorry for venting. It's just maddening. He just came out and told me to start making lists, i do I showed him my book. He has to make everything an argument. I am a super mellow non argumentative person. I've been having trouble with anxiety and he makes it ten times worse. He just came and sat on the bed and told me to trim his hair. I've been crying in pain and I said I'm not clipping your hair in bed. I asked if I could do it later and he got mad, shaking, and throwing stuff down.

I can't do this anymore. All the help he gives isn't worth this and he refuses to go to therapy because he says it's for crazy people and he isn't crazy. I go to therapy so I guess I'm crazy. Sorry again just need to vent.

You vent all you want to! We are just happy that you are okay!

My one big question is, why are you waiting until the 6th?

[Jrasted79]

I am done, he leaves on the 6th, and he's not coming back. I am so independent and he wants me to give everything up to him. This has all the red flags of an abusive relationship. I've been trying to write this in secret since I got up. I've been awake 3 hours, I've been crying from pain the whole time and he's already started 3 arguments with me. I just switched from a free Medicaid doctor to one I pay for. I got out of an appt late the other day. He over heard a conversation I was having with my mom. She was saying now that I'm paying out of pocket that you would think I wouldn't have to wait 3-4 hours like before. He said that it was a snide comment and now he thinks she's an ***.

I'm sorry for venting. It's just maddening. He just came out and told me to start making lists, i do I showed him my book. He has to make everything an argument. I am a super mellow non argumentative person. I've been having trouble with anxiety and he makes it ten times worse. He just came and sat on the bed and told me to trim his hair. I've been crying in pain and I said I'm not clipping your hair in bed. I asked if I could do it later and he got mad, shaking, and throwing stuff down.

I can't do this anymore. All the help he gives isn't worth this and he refuses to go to therapy because he says it's for crazy people and he isn't crazy. I go to therapy so I guess I'm crazy. Sorry again just need to vent.