Boyfriend not understanding fatigue.

[Jaspie]

I've been back with my boyfriend since July (after a 9 year split up) everything was going great. I am 2 months pregnant. He even experienced me during a bad relapse that started in about May. By August I was off of work, hopefully going back soon. When I was really bad he was soooo helpful. He cooked, cleaned and took care of me.

But, over the last month all we have done is fight. Needless fights. He would get mad over stupid things and storm out of the room slamming doors. I couldn't figure out what was going on till he finally told me today. Apparently I am lazy and he feels like a dishwasher and a nurse. It hurt so bad to hear that. This week was the worst for fighting cause there was a couple of days that I didn't do the dishes in the morning because of bad days and when he came home from work he had to do them, which was his choice cause I would have done them when I got home. He doesn't understand that the fatigue is horrible and unbearable when it hits. The conclusion to this fight is that he is going to call me everyday before he leaves work so I have an opportunity to tell him if there are dishes and whether I need to ask him to do them or for him to leave them and I will do them after. I agreed as I finally wanted to end this long lasting fight.

The thing is; it’s going to really hurt every time he calls to ask that. I am going to be reminded everyday that he thinks I am lazy. Am I being unfair by thinking this? Should this not be hurting me?

[Redwings]

Hi Jaspie:

It's OK for you to feel hurt by your boyfriend's behavior. It's appalling. But what's more important is what you do about those hurt feelings.

The issue with the dishes is a power play by your boyfriend. For him to call and remind you to do YOUR JOB is punitive and belittling. There's no reason to belittle you other than for him to be in control. His position on this tells you that he has a very limited range of things that are acceptable to him in a relationship. It appears that the routine and distribution of power are more important to him than adapting to the situation so he can be in a happy relationship with you. The roles you both play appear to be more important to him than you are.

If you read through this relationship forum, there's one universal theme that comes up over and over again. It's the idea of "how can I get the OTHER person to change so I can be happy." You may not be able to change to make him happy (are his demands even reasonable?) and he may not be able to change to make you happy.

If your boyfriend's goal were to have a happy relationship with you, he would be willing to adapt to make that possible. His quickness to belittle you says that being happy with you as you are isn't what's motivating him. He isn't belittling you simply because he "doesn't understand fatigue." He's belittling you because he doesn't understand not being in control. He's either going to give up some control as part of the necessary compromise in a healthy relationship or he isn't. There's no "making" him understand that.

It sounds like your boyfriend was fine in being in a relationship with you as long as it was convenient for him. Now that it's no longer convenient, it's apparent that you don't have enough value to him for him to change his expectations. It sounds like he just isn't that into you.

This may hurt for you to read, but the only person you can change is you. You can't change your fatigue. You can change your expectations about your life and cowtow to your boyfriend's belittling behavior, and somehow convince yourself that you deserve it. But why would you do that? Your boyfriend sounds like a shallow boob whose bad traits you overlooked for the comfort of being in a relationship. Now that you've seen his true self, is he worth giving yourself up for? How do you think you're going to raise a child in that kind of environment? You can't change your boyfriend. You can only control yourself and how you respond to life.

If you just not doing the dishes has brought out this kind of ugliness in him, what do you think is going to happen with the chaos of having a child? With the chaos of you having a child AND a chronic illness?

Your boyfriend not understanding fatigue is one thing. But what he's exhibiting is an ugly meanness that you can't "convince" him out of. It's apparent that you have a soft, submissive personality. If you didn't, you wouldn't be on this forum trying to convince yourself and everyone else that it's just a "misunderstanding."

Please don't try to pretty this up by thinking it's something more trivial than it is. Your boyfriend is punishing and humiliating you. If you stay with him, you'll have to submit to his demands over and over again, every time he's not happy about something. That kind of controlling behavior sometimes escalates. Is that the kind of life you want for you and your child?

It's possible that your boyfriend is picking fights so YOU will be the one to leave and he won't have to feel guilty about it. It might be that the best thing you can do for yourself is to give in to him on this one thing -- YOU be the one to preserve your dignity and be the one to walk away. Just make sure you have fantastic legal representation, because you and your child are going to need it. My heart goes out to you.

[cosake]

Hi Jaspie,

Welcome to the boards - I see that you are new here. This is such a great place to be for support and advice. I am sorry that your BF hurt your feelings - I would feel hurt in your position too.

I don't want to hurt your feelings when you are new to our group, but I do have to agree with RedWings that it appears that your BF has more issues than simply whether you have done the dishes or not. For him to be making such a spectacular big deal about the dishes means that there is much more going on.

Maybe you can get to the bottom of it, and get some counseling or something; or maybe it is time to leave. Please consider how you would feel with your child growing up in this situation, and how things could continue to escalate.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

[zolar16]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I really didn't get how fatigued my husband gets every day until I saw a description here in the forums, like you've been up for 2 days straight and you're still trying to do everything you need to do. I was getting frustrated with my poor DH because I needed a break from taking care of our son and keeping up with the house, but he was just so spent after getting off from work that it was killing him to help out.

On top of that, you're in your first trimester, and I know I was EXHAUSTED those first 3 months, and I don't have any chronic conditions! There were nights I came home from work and went to bed at 6:30 pm. You must be totally wiped from the MS fatigue and the pregnancy fatigue. I hope you start to have a little more energy soon. Many women who were fatigued during their first trimester feel much more energetic during their second trimester. I'm not saying you'll feel 100% better, but there may be an improvement.

Being a caregiver can be really difficult. You're worried about your loved one, and sometimes you don't think rationally about your situation. He may know deep down that you're fatigued and you can't help it, but holding down the fort for a long period may be really hard for him. You two need to sit down and talk about how you can make things easier for both of you. Start lowering your expectations for cleanliness and neatness now, because it's really going to go out the window when the baby arrives. :-)
Use paper plates, order take-out, do the bare minimum of cleaning. Make sure he takes time to get out with friends or at least watch some favorite shows on TV. And take good care of yourself, because you need to stay healthy for yourself and your LO.

[LullabyJD]

Since Redwings was absolutely 100% in line with what I would advise you in this situation, I'm only going to chime in with what the vindictive and snarky b-word me would do in your place.

I'd be all too happy to let him know that, "This is fine. You call me every day to let me know that it's 'my job' to do my own dishes. And in return, I'll call you every time you leave a drop of pee on the toilet seat, to remind you that it's yours so you should have to clean it. And I'll buy some sawdust so every time your car leaves a spot of oil on the driveway, you can get that cleaned right up. Oh, and never fear, I'll also leave all your toothpaste clumps in the sink for you to address. Because clearly you don't want a partnership-relationship, but a roommate. And, sidenote, I don't put out for roommates."

But then again, I'm a shark in my dayjob, so playing the role of evil b-word is ingrained.

[Lillyheart]

Since Redwings was absolutely 100% in line with what I would advise you in this situation, I'm only going to chime in with what the vindictive and snarky b-word me would do in your place.

I'd be all too happy to let him know that, "This is fine. You call me every day to let me know that it's 'my job' to do my own dishes. And in return, I'll call you every time you leave a drop of pee on the toilet seat, to remind you that it's yours so you should have to clean it. And I'll buy some sawdust so every time your car leaves a spot of oil on the driveway, you can get that cleaned right up. Oh, and never fear, I'll also leave all your toothpaste clumps in the sink for you to address. Because clearly you don't want a partnership-relationship, but a roommate. And, sidenote, I don't put out for roommates."

But then again, I'm a shark in my dayjob, so playing the role of evil b-word is ingrained.

Redwings and Lullaby said some great things here..and very true.

I would do what Lullaby said and turn his behavior back on him... Then I would leave

[Jules A]

Although there is a tremendous amount of stress on your relationship with MS and a pregnancy his behavior is unacceptable.

IMVHO if things are this bad after only a few months of being back together I would view this as a huge red flag. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Jaspie]

Wow. Thanks. You put my thoughts into words. Its just hard right now for me to distinguish between real thoughts or just pregnancy hormomes running crazy through my body. Right now, I think I am going to act like nothing is wrong. My body is so ill from the stress. I even got MS symptoms back, which completely went away when I got pregnant. I'm worried about the baby. You all gave such great advice! It didn't hurt at all as that is what I was thinking.I will keep you guys posted as to what happens. I am positive it will end, just when. I will keep you guys posted.

Thank you again very much!!

[cosake]

Jaspie - thanks for posting back. It sounds like you are realistic about the situation and that is good.

Please take care of yourself and the little one. Stay as stress-free as you can, and don't let things your BF says get you wound up.

[tommylee]

Hi Jaspie:

It's OK for you to feel hurt by your boyfriend's behavior. It's appalling. But what's more important is what you do about those hurt feelings.

There's no reason to belittle you other than for him to be in control. His position on this tells you that he has a very limited range of things that are acceptable to him in a relationship.

If you read through this relationship forum, there's one universal theme that comes up over and over again. It's the idea of "how can I get the OTHER person to change so I can be happy."

If your boyfriend's goal were to have a happy relationship with you, he would be willing to adapt to make that possible. His quickness to belittle you says that being happy with you as you are isn't what's motivating him. He isn't belittling you simply because he "doesn't understand fatigue." He's belittling you because he doesn't understand not being in control. He's either going to give up some control as part of the necessary compromise in a healthy relationship or he isn't. There's no "making" him understand that.

It sounds like your boyfriend was fine in being in a relationship with you as long as it was convenient for him. Now that it's no longer convenient, it's apparent that you don't have enough value to him for him to change his expectations. It sounds like he just isn't that into you. (he is mostly into himself)

You can't change your boyfriend. You can only control yourself and how you respond to life.

If you just not doing the dishes has brought out this kind of ugliness in him, what do you think is going to happen with the chaos of having a child? With the chaos of you having a child AND a chronic illness?

Your boyfriend not understanding fatigue is one thing. But what he's exhibiting is an ugly meanness that you can't "convince" him out of.

Please don't try to pretty this up by thinking it's something more trivial than it is. Your boyfriend is punishing and humiliating you. If you stay with him, you'll have to submit to his demands over and over again, every time he's not happy about something. That kind of controlling behavior sometimes escalates. Is that the kind of life you want for you and your child?

Redwings nailed this one perfectly! (imho)
I just plucked out the "hammer points" that really made sense to me.

Be grateful that he is only a "boyfriend". Leave before you are stuck with a husband that treats you like a second class person.

Do you really want to live forever under his constant judgement?
People don't really change; so if he is a self-centered jerk today...tomorrow will be worse.

Sorry to sound so cold but I don't know how to sugar-coat this.

It is going to hurt but I think I would tear that band-aid off as soon as possible.

Hang in there, Its not you.
At least 50% of the population are butt heads. It would be easier to replace BF than to change him.
Just try to pick one from the other 50% this time.

If you stay with him please tell him to stop calling and interupting your rest time!
You will do what You can when You can.
Having a "task nazi" will not help you feel better. You are aware of your short commings and failures without him shoving them in your face.
What's next? Perhaps he can hit you with a rolled up newspaper when you don't jump thru the proper hoop?

If he can't handle you now how is it going to be when that baby comes and you really need help?
Kick him to the curb sooner rather than later. Or be subject to a butt hole the rest of your life.

Please don't stay and just hope he changes one day.
Tell him he is out but you may consider him again after he does some soul searching and grows into a person you can respect.
If he makes no attemt to change himself consider yourself blessed to be free of him.
If you think it is difficult now, What will it be like raising a child under his constant scrutiny?

Please don't put up with any more crap!!!

[jumpinjiminy]

That was my marriage and experience parenting. After so many years of it, I had to stand up for me and the kids. It was either he knock it off, or it's over. He knocked it off, because he knew for me, it was over. It was years of misery from point A to point B. I hope we have many more years of bliss between B and D.

It turns out, he's as sweet as he was before we were married. That is his nature. We still live in a bachelor pad, kind of, it's getting better veeerrrry sloooowwwwly, but I can handle it much better without the power plays, insults, and childish outbursts.

Funny, men that act like that are always wondering why they don't get any. They don't realize that most grown women aren't into pedophilia.

[Jaspie]

Well, for now I just ended it with him. There was other issues not mentioned in my original post just because it was so long, didn't want to make it longer. He has battled alcohol and drug addictions for many years. He just admitted he has been drinking, he only admitted as he was caught red handed!! Otherwise he would still be lying. That explains his behaviour change totally! Still belive he is using something other then just booze. He won't admit to it but I told him I don't want to speak to him, asked him to leave and took his keys. He has a lot of making up to do if he ever wants this to work, IF it ever does. He will always been in my life because of our child but doesn't mean we have to be together!!! If he is going to act this way with these childish outburst I don't need him around the baby when he/she comes!! I feel some relief like stress it going. I just hope everything works out fine.
Thanks all again!!! You are all amazing.

[jumpinjiminy]

Oh my. That certainly puts a different spin on things. Good for you on ending it. Those were two things I would never welcome into my life from any man, I don't care how charming, good-looking, rich, or romantic he was, no drugs, no alcohol, and no living with me before engagement. I stuck to my guns there, and I'm so glad I did.

Long term relationships are hard. No need to complicate things with addictions, affairs, lies, and credit card problems.

[Kraheera]

good for you Jaspie!

My husband turned into a jerk for a few years. There were serious contemplations of divorce... and then something amazing happened.

He got orders to Korea. Yeah, I know. How is that "good" news, right? Well, it goes like this.

I gave him a green light, so long as he stayed protected and didn't turn into a man-slut. Then I told him that while I don't want any 'details', he's free to do as he pleases while gone. I was in the military, I know what happens. it would have happened anyways, but guilt would have eaten him alive and just made our problems worse.

He managed a few months, swearing he would never use that green light... and then right around Christmas he fell of the wagon. I had a good chuckle, I'll tell you that. And that woman in Korea, I owe her big time. Because she began to 'gently' set him straight.

I got a phone call from him, in tears, explaining how he was sorry for being such a jerk. He praised me for over an hour. Apparently, he realized that very few women would EVER put up with that sort of behavior, ever. Me, I'm patient to a fault when it comes to loved ones.

Ever since then, he has done his best to keep an 'eye' on his anger issues. Oh, he's never been abusive. But he can get... nitpicky. Things will bother him, but he won't talk about it. He'll just pick, nag, and pick some more until one of us blows a gasket.

Then the MS dx came in. Again, he felt like the scum of the earth. Why? He remembered all the times he yelled at me for being 'lazy', or for forgetting things just a few minutes after he said them. I guess he had flashes of a few of those incidents... anyways, he fell all over himself again.

Partners CAN change, but it takes work. And they have to be willing to put in that work. In the same vein, I have to be better about telling him when I'm having a rotten day, or when I'm so tired that moving hurts.

He's a great housewife, when he wants to be.

[Waydwnsouth1]

I know I have come in on the end of your problem but I would just like to say GOOD FOR YOU!!! Remember a leopard NEVER changes his spots.

On a side note. As for the child, he should only be granted visitation if he is alcohol and drug free which can be tested for at random. He also has to WANT to be involved in the childs life. My bet is he will only want to be involved after it is too late. He will always be the biological father but will merely remain a friend. All this is from the male perspective. Some men can be scumbags and need to be treated as such until the get their head out of their ***, if they ever do.

Good Luck in the future and from the sound of things you will make someone a great wife one day.