I don't think DH understands how much words hurt

[gymgirl]

I don't post on here a lot, but I do come and read and to get support, info, etc, so thank you for that! Anyway, I am a 33 yr old woman who has been diagnosed for about 2 years. I am lucky to not have had many issues, just some numbness, tingling, headaches, fatigue and now some mild depression.

I just need to vent about DH tonight...he said some hurtful things tonight and it is partly due to having some beers this afternoon/evening, but I'm not excusing it! He doesn't have a drinking problem, but when he does drink occasionally, he's more verbal and quick to start fights, etc. For example, he got mad at our 2 yr old for calling him "mommy". DS just gets excited and calls us by the opposite name sometimes. He just spoke to him like he was an adult calling him by the wrong name or something. It was so weird and out of line. OK i know it can get annoying when your kids do stupid stuff and even 2-yr olds can get annoying, but come on! Just correct him and move on. He's TWO! So that's what started us in little squabbles all night tonight.

Then later I'm cleaning up kitchen after dinner and DS is playing with a train and it gets stuck behind the fridge so I ask DH to retrieve it for me. He responds with "look what happens even with adult supervision." Oh my gosh, it took all my might not to freak out on him! (obviously don't want to do that in front of DS.)

Finally, to end a horrible evening, I am complaining to him about drinking too much this afternoon and one reason I tell him is because he always ends up going to bed at 7/8 pm so we don't spend time together. (obviously if you drink a lot, it makes you tired and you go to bed, so I was pointing this out to him). So then he responds back to me saying "I think you're a lazy person compared to me." Ohhhhkaaaaay...that hurt and pissed me off soooo much. He was like, "this morning I just couldn't believe you were still in bed at 7 am." I went silent and just did bath/bedtime with DS and ignored him. He of course is was in bed asleep around 7 pm.

OMG, #1, it's a freaking holiday weekend. #2, I was sick this week and just today felt better. #3, I don't HAVE to get up at a certain time. Why does it matter? #4 and this is only #4 because I NEVER use my MS as an excuse, but I mean come on, sometimes I think I deserve to acknowledge I DO have lesions on my brain and spinal cord and they ARE affecting me and I AM more tired than I used to be and I am dealing with some depression (he knows all this). I think he is in denial about the MS and it's not even bad at all. What is he gonna do if/when I have "real" issues?!?

And I want to say I am truly NOT a lazy person. I have a 2-yr-old so that should tell you right there, it's physically impossible to be lazy. I have worked my whole life, taught fitness classes (at 5:30 am no less), constantly one of those people who always must be doing somethihng like crafting, reading, cleaning the house, etc. Just recently we decided I was going to be a SAHM (just started this summer) and DH was totally on board with it, so I don't know if now he's just getting jealous/annoyed at my life or what.

I am overly sensitive right now and things will be better tomorrow, but I had to get this out and get some opinions/help.

What would you say to him tomorrow? How do I deal with this? I am a Christian and I think I need to start praying for help with this situation more. So please say a little prayer if you don't mind!

this was really long, I'm sorry!

[Des]

No, you obviously are not lazy, if you need to hear it. This happened today, a Sunday? So what if you weren't out of bed at 7:00 in the morning? I'm glad your son let you sleep even a little bit.

I am concerned about his getting mad about a 2-year-old calling him mommy instead of daddy. I worked temp for a long time, and I couldn't even tell you how often I was called the wrong name. I'll answer to almost anything since then. We've also had our grandchildren call us mommy and daddy instead of grandma and grandpa, but again, so what?

Your DH seems to need to learn about parenting and also about being a supportive partner to you. Counseling might help.

[gymgirl]

I wish

Thanks Des. Yeah I wish he was open to counseling. Not gonna happen. Maybe for me at least...I just wish we could compromise more. He's on the stricter side and I'm on the softer side. We both need to move the other way some and meet in the middle.

[Redwings]

gymgirl, you have my sympathy. These question aren't for me, but for you. What did you see in your husband that made you marry such a thoughtless person? What Christian principle makes you think it's acceptable to stand by while a grown man gets angry at a two-year-old for being a two-year-old and not having adult mastery of vocabulary?

If you allow your husband to get snide with you, that's one thing. But to get angry at a little child is really crossing the line, and it doesn't bode well for the future. It is not acceptable for a grown man to be drunk and angry in front of a small child. And you're not going to want to hear this, but it isn't acceptable for you to continue to allow your child to be exposed to that behavior.

That soft side of you is an invitation to your husband to escalate from being hurtful to being outright abusive -- especially if he continues to drink. What's going to happen when your son is six or eight years old and old enough to start causing the kinds of trouble kids that age usually get into? I think you know the answer to that. And right now your son is being trained by example that it's common and acceptable for men to abuse women. Now is the time when that pattern is being ingrained, and now is the time for you to stop it.

Yes, your husband DOES have a drinking problem. It isn't how often he drinks -- it's what happens when he does. What you saw today is a sign of things to come if you don't find your backbone and start standing up for your son and yourself. It's going to take more than a few prayers to change your situation. Prayer can give you strength, but you won't be able to change your situation with just prayer and wishful thinking. Sometimes prayer can lead to the delusion that you've done your job because, after all, you've prayed about it.

Prayer and venting are no substitute for you getting counseling for yourself to find out why you're willing to accept your husband's borderline abusive treatment of you and your son. If you can't get into individual counseling right now, you can look into Al-Anon. There are people there who are also dealing with the effects of alcohol on their families. There you can find information and support so you can start thinking about what to do to establish a healthier environment for your son and yourself.

[SNOOPY]

I agree with the responses you have already recieved.

It's never a good idea to have a discussion or argue with someone who has been drinking. They are not capable of an intellegent conversation or understanding.

You are responsible for a 2 year old who does not deserve to be yelled at for something so innocent as calling daddy mommy.

[Imagine]

gymgirl, I know, as a therapist- and 1st hand, how much this situation hurts. When we marry, the last thing that we expect is cruelty from our spouse.

I am happily married now; but my 1st marriage caused me emotional pain that there are no words to describe. He became physically abusive as well- gradually.

What made me leave after 10years? MY 17month old BABY. She woke up 1 night after he slapped me so hard I went flying into a wall. I knew that it was only a matter of time before she wouldn't be in a crib and would walk out and see the abuse. As a clinician, I was supposed to know better, right? Trust me, it can happen to anyone.

That line that you promise yourself, if crossed, you'll leave- keeps moving. I did not love him anymore, long before I left. What I did love was the idea/the dream. That dream could've killed me.

He may not have hit you...yet. He will; or will it be your son he hits?

Leaving was one of the hardest things I ever did. I did not remarry for 9 years b/c that was something I had no intention of doing again. I've been married for over 2 years and this man has not so much as raised his voice at me; nor called me out of my name; nor told me I was stupid. In short, no abuse- physical,verbal,or emotional.

I gave it much thought before I decided to post this; I know it's not what you want to hear. I am so sorry if I've caused you more pain, that's the last thing you need. I am worried about you and your little boy. PLEASE keep reaching out. Let us know how you are. Hugs - Be Safe
Shalom,
Suzanne

[tommylee]

...he said some hurtful things tonight and it is partly due to having some beers

He doesn't have a drinking problem, but when he does drink occasionally, he's more verbal and quick to start fights, etc.

(obviously if you drink a lot, it makes you tired and you go to bed, so I was pointing this out to him).

He of course is was in bed asleep around 7 pm.

What is he gonna do if/when I have "real" issues?!?

Are you sure he does not have a drinking problem?
If someone has a nature that turns dark after drinlking they should not drink.

When you questianed his drinking he took it as an attack and came after you by calling you lazy?

Perhaps you do have a real problem now? (DH is drinking too much and treating the family poorly?)

[Spydre]

I agree with the above posters. Yes, you need counseling, and yes, Al-Anon would be a good place to start. As a child of an alcoholic, even if you think they don't see and remember these things, they do.

You say that he doesn't have a drinking problem - but if he drinks so much that he has to go to bed by 7 or 8, he definitely has a drinking problem. And that just adds to your burden - that being that much more time when you don't have help to deal with the children, the house, etc.

Of course you aren't lazy, and stop letting him make you think you are. You have MS, and you manage to raise a 2 year old, and keep a house together. I would imagine just raising the 2 year old takes it out of you. You don't say how much of the work at home you are able to accomplish, or if he helps you out, but the two year old is a full day's work for anyone. As for being in bed at 7 am, well.....you had no where to be, the baby was asleep, why would you be up at 7 am? As mothers, we need to cling to every bit of sleep we get, and that includes sleeping in when the kids do!

[sunshine008]

just remember nothing is impossible at all, ever. just takes time and planning.

if he wont' go to counseling you go to counseling. not to save the marriage persay or "change" him to help you. it'll give you the courage you need to be able to look at your life and decide what's best.

i know been there done that.

((hugs))

btw i always use my ms as an excuse. hey we have it, milk it my attempt at creating a smile on your face