how to deal with myself

[amholl8962]

I had always been a healthy person, a successful, popular person. Whatever goal I set for myself, I achieved with what felt like minimal effort. Everyone told me that I would do and become great things, and I believed them. Then, when I had just turned 24, I began having symptoms similar to what I imagined Alzheimer's patients to suffer. I would get totally lost in my home town, forget where I was supposed to be going, miss important dates I was supposed to attend. I became very depressed. I would cry in the most inappropriate situations due to an inner sadness I had no real excuse for. It was not until the numbness started in my toes and over days progressed to my entire lower region that I finally sought medical attention. They confirmed I have MS.

The initial diagnoses was, obviously, hard to cope with. Eventually, I did regain the use of my lower half, but I never got my mind back. I never got what I knew of me back. Today, I have 4 lesions on my spinal cord which cause me no real loss of function. I have lost a lot of my muscle strength, but I am 90lbs, how much strength can I really expect.

What I struggle with is the numerous lesions covering my entire brain. Everyday I struggle to do a variety of things, constantly forget even what I leave myself written reminders to do. I do not have a job even though I am educated and constantly looking for paid employment. I worry that I do not get hired because of some deficiency in my personality that I cannot notice (there are plenty that I do notice, but maybe there is something outside of my realm of perception).

Basically, I am losing myself further and further in this whole mess called MS.

I know that I need professional help for depression, anxiety, a growing general apathy towards life. I have two children I need to be more available for, and their father, my longtime boyfriend who I would be far more lost without, for moral support. I am stressing out my only lifeline with my mental problems. I have no insurance and with no job and a growing problem with normal social interaction I just do not know where to even begin to get on a track towards happiness and productivity.

I have watched these posts for awhile now. Even though I have not written in until now, I always appreciate the conversations. This page helps me to know that I am not alone, even though I am surrounded by people who have no clue what I suffer (bless their hearts for trying to deal with me still). I used to be better articulating my thoughts and emotions, I used to know the "right" thing to say or do at the right time. I guess what I am trying to ask is there anyone who can help me to know how to deal with myself?

** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **

[MSer102]

I have no insurance and with no job and a growing problem with normal social interaction I just do not know where to even begin to get on a track towards happiness and productivity.

Since you brought up not having insurance, I'm assuming that you live in the US.

The law of the land is that in just 2 weeks from now you must have health insurance or end up paying a penalty. So you might as well use the money you would pay for the penalty for health insurance instead.

If you think you can't afford health insurance you might qualify for a subsidy. The Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) federal website is supposed to be up and running reasonably well now, so you can go there right now and look at your options for a policy. You will also find out if you qualify for a subsidy to cover some of the cost. www.healthcare.gov

You are guaranteed coverage so you can at least get some kind of a healthcare policy. That way you might be able to get the access to a mental health professional that you need. Depression and anxiety aren't conditions that you can get over easily by yourself. You might not need to see a therapist for very long, but at least you can have a chance of getting in for a few sessions to get you back on track again.

[amholl8962]

thank you

Thank you for the response. Currently, I do not have insurance, but I have been all over the web recently trying to get it. I was sooo excited when the pre-existing conditions ban was lifted, because I thought I may become eligible to purchase some decent coverage. However, as I search and apply, I keep being redirected towards Medicaid (which I have now given in to as being my only option).

I suppose because my boyfriend and I are not married, they companies view me as having no ability to pay for anything. I am sour on the subject of Medicaid as I have had it (off and on) since 2007 when I was originally diagnosed. Medicaid has helped me to accrue a massive medical debt as on the one hand they approve me for services, and then on the other pay for nothing. I have been around and around with what the problem is. I feel like a need a lawyer to help me around the mess of insurance.

About two years ago, I just quit seeing doctors at all because I hated being in such debt. I never would have had some of the services had I known I would be fully responsible for payment. My MS has remained pretty busy with no MRI being the same as the last and until I just quit going, my neurologist kept asking for steroid infusions and MRI at every meeting.

So, I will probably be back on Medicaid soon. I am not excited. But maybe I will be able to do something towards pulling my head out of my !*# and getting on some kind of track.

[tommylee]

So, I will probably be back on Medicaid soon. I am not excited. But maybe I will be able to do something towards pulling my head out of my !*# and getting on some kind of track.

Don't be so quick to discount Medicaid. A private HMO can copay you into bankruptcy also.


How do you cope??? Lower expectations!
It is difficult to change a driven hard charging personality into someone that expects less from themselves... But that is what you have to do. (IMHO)

You may want to seek professional help with this. It can be a real problem.
I still struggle with it and it has been many years.

If you pick a health plan check Mental Health coverage! Many won't cover or have very limited coverage for this.

Please feel free to relax and think like a lazy person for a while if you can.

[odd duck]

A Word of Encouragement

I'm terrible with name's. Always have been but there's this guy that I'm sure a lot of people who read this will know who I'm talking about ... anyway, he was an attorney and know writes the articles on this site about social security ... he is also currently an author who has written a couple of books that I found extremely valuable ... one called Mental Sharpening Stones.

The main premise of this book is the research that shows that MS does not rob us of our intellect. It does however slow down the time it takes our brain to process data. You haven't lost anything. You're not just physically tired, you are also mentally tired. Just as your body need rest your brain also needs rest.

I have found that I have mental "windows" during the day when my mental acuity is extremely sharp. At other times I'm a complete nit wit. I have total MS brain. I hang on to the fact that I have an IQ of 145 ... not Stephen Hawking but good enough for Mensa ... and MS can't take that away from me.

Yeah, if I go to the grocery story and I get too tired, I drive home on "auto pilot". Stop, wonder how in the world I got where I am because I haven't lived there in years, laugh, drive home, throw the cold stuff in the fridge and go take a nap with the dachshunds.

And with two children ... WHO WOULD BE TIRED!

** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **

[Seasha]

I'm terrible with name's. Always have been but there's this guy that I'm sure a lot of people who read this will know who I'm talking about ... anyway, he was an attorney and know writes the articles on this site about social security ... he is also currently an author who has written a couple of books that I found extremely valuable ... one called Mental Sharpening Stones.

odd duck - I am unaware of this attorney and author writing article about Social Security here on MSW. This is the book you were speaking of http://www.nationalmssociety.org/mul...nes/index.aspx - It actually looks like a helpful book to read!

[MSer102]

I'm terrible with name's. Always have been but there's this guy that I'm sure a lot of people who read this will know who I'm talking about ... anyway, he was an attorney and know writes the articles on this site about social security ... he is also currently an author who has written a couple of books that I found extremely valuable ... one called Mental Sharpening Stones.

You've mixed up 2 people.

The author of Mental Sharpening Stones is Jeffrey Gingold. He also wrote Facing the Cognitive Challenges of Multiple Sclerosis, a book a lot of MSers are familiar with. Jeffery Gingold is a freelance writer. There isn't any indication that he has ever been an attorney and he is not a contributor at MS World.

The attorney you are thinking of is Rich Feingold who occasionally answers questions about Social Security Disability in a subforum here at MS World. His bio doesn't say that he has written any books and he doesn't write about MS.

[justacowgirl]

Amholl8962

You need a friend. This is a tough time of year and you have children, no medical and a bad disease.

I too am an "A" personality. I have always succeeded in every endeavor; always was in the lead. Then things changed for me. I left an incredibly lucrative and demanding job because I was "making mistakes." It was only later I learned why.

I lost the ability to think critically. I lost myself in my own hometown too! Strange feeling. I withdrew from friends and they thought I was "getting wierd" anyway.

It took me 7 years to get right.

You need help to deal with this. I personally found my faith and that is what set me right. It gave me strength and hope.
I found a Christian counselor for that part. No charges. It saved my life.

I started going to a psychiatrist and he got my anti depressants right. Remarkable.

Your community mental health clinic must see you. You don't have to have insurance. Get some help for depression if needed or just to get squared away. See a mental health professional that can help you deal with a chronic illness and all the associated baggage.

If you need to be on Medicaid to get help then do so. You can get through the minutiae and get right for your family.

I started a new career less mentally demanding and now I am the top of a different kind of career. I board and train dogs.

You have children and a man who need you. You can get right. You are smart enough to figure out how to get where you need to be. You must accept your limitations and learn to work around them.

Believe me I have days when I am so frustrated I cry. I am not the person I used to be; but that is okay.

You can have a career. And a great life.

Keep in touch with us or email me through my profile. We all know how this feels.

J