I had always been a healthy person, a successful, popular person. Whatever goal I set for myself, I achieved with what felt like minimal effort. Everyone told me that I would do and become great things, and I believed them. Then, when I had just turned 24, I began having symptoms similar to what I imagined Alzheimer's patients to suffer. I would get totally lost in my home town, forget where I was supposed to be going, miss important dates I was supposed to attend. I became very depressed. I would cry in the most inappropriate situations due to an inner sadness I had no real excuse for. It was not until the numbness started in my toes and over days progressed to my entire lower region that I finally sought medical attention. They confirmed I have MS.
The initial diagnoses was, obviously, hard to cope with. Eventually, I did regain the use of my lower half, but I never got my mind back. I never got what I knew of me back. Today, I have 4 lesions on my spinal cord which cause me no real loss of function. I have lost a lot of my muscle strength, but I am 90lbs, how much strength can I really expect.
What I struggle with is the numerous lesions covering my entire brain. Everyday I struggle to do a variety of things, constantly forget even what I leave myself written reminders to do. I do not have a job even though I am educated and constantly looking for paid employment. I worry that I do not get hired because of some deficiency in my personality that I cannot notice (there are plenty that I do notice, but maybe there is something outside of my realm of perception).
Basically, I am losing myself further and further in this whole mess called MS.
I know that I need professional help for depression, anxiety, a growing general apathy towards life. I have two children I need to be more available for, and their father, my longtime boyfriend who I would be far more lost without, for moral support. I am stressing out my only lifeline with my mental problems. I have no insurance and with no job and a growing problem with normal social interaction I just do not know where to even begin to get on a track towards happiness and productivity.
I have watched these posts for awhile now. Even though I have not written in until now, I always appreciate the conversations. This page helps me to know that I am not alone, even though I am surrounded by people who have no clue what I suffer (bless their hearts for trying to deal with me still). I used to be better articulating my thoughts and emotions, I used to know the "right" thing to say or do at the right time. I guess what I am trying to ask is there anyone who can help me to know how to deal with myself?
** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **
The initial diagnoses was, obviously, hard to cope with. Eventually, I did regain the use of my lower half, but I never got my mind back. I never got what I knew of me back. Today, I have 4 lesions on my spinal cord which cause me no real loss of function. I have lost a lot of my muscle strength, but I am 90lbs, how much strength can I really expect.
What I struggle with is the numerous lesions covering my entire brain. Everyday I struggle to do a variety of things, constantly forget even what I leave myself written reminders to do. I do not have a job even though I am educated and constantly looking for paid employment. I worry that I do not get hired because of some deficiency in my personality that I cannot notice (there are plenty that I do notice, but maybe there is something outside of my realm of perception).
Basically, I am losing myself further and further in this whole mess called MS.
I know that I need professional help for depression, anxiety, a growing general apathy towards life. I have two children I need to be more available for, and their father, my longtime boyfriend who I would be far more lost without, for moral support. I am stressing out my only lifeline with my mental problems. I have no insurance and with no job and a growing problem with normal social interaction I just do not know where to even begin to get on a track towards happiness and productivity.
I have watched these posts for awhile now. Even though I have not written in until now, I always appreciate the conversations. This page helps me to know that I am not alone, even though I am surrounded by people who have no clue what I suffer (bless their hearts for trying to deal with me still). I used to be better articulating my thoughts and emotions, I used to know the "right" thing to say or do at the right time. I guess what I am trying to ask is there anyone who can help me to know how to deal with myself?
** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **
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