Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Neighbor with NO Boundaries Asking to Borrow Money - HELP!

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Neighbor with NO Boundaries Asking to Borrow Money - HELP!

    So, this thread has nothing to do with MS but I really need some advice about how to deal with my neighbor. I'm asking you guys because I can't post about this on Facebook as I am friends with both my neighbor and his wife on there. I also love that there are so many different opinions and perspectives on here so I'm hoping you guys can help me out. This is going to be a long one (and even this is the condensed version of his antics), so I apologize in advance.

    I have a neighbor (we'll call him Tony) who lives in the quadplex behind us. My husband and I met him briefly a couple of years ago and we have been friendly ever since - friendly, but we're definitely not friends. Tony is very chatty and always stops to talk (and talk and talk and talk some more) when we see each other.

    This past 4th of July, we had our annual party and had lots of people came, including Tony, his wife and their young son. No big deal... except we never invited them. They just showed up. Apparently their son saw the giant inflatable water slide in our yard (kinda hard to miss a 20 foot slide over a 6 foot fence) and he wanted to play on it. Not being one to deny a child of fun, especially one who was already in swim trunks and ready to go, I welcomed them in. It was fine in the end but my friends and I did find it strange that the neighbors just showed up uninvited but hey - once upon a time neighbors used to actually know each other.

    As the weeks go on, he starts chatting with us more and more as he drives by, talking our ear off when we're obviously busy and not seeming to get the hint that we don't have the time or the inclination to talk to him at the time. At this point, it's annoying at worst. Then it becomes a little bit stranger.

    One example: He rang my doorbell at 7:30 one morning as I was rushing to get my kids out of the house to go to school. I open the door, apologize and tell him I have to run as we're late. He seems to not even hear what I said and he starts going on and on about how upsetting his morning was because a tree branch fell on his windshield. I don't have anything to say besides "That sucks." "I'm really sorry." and "These kids are late. We really have to go!" It was that very morning that I realized that he really has absolutely no boundaries and seems to have zero self-awareness.

    A month or so after that Tony came by one morning and asked to borrow $20. He told me his work never gave him his paycheck and he needed gas money to get to work for the rest of the week and he'd get paid on Friday for sure. I tried telling him I didn't have any cash and it was then that he asked me if I could go to the ATM and grab some money. I told him I had a really busy day and I would if I had the time but I couldn't promise anything. He kept going on and on about his bills and I finally told him I'd get the cash later just to shut him up. Big mistake. He came by the house twice more before I even had a chance to leave but instead of calling him out on what felt like harassment, I ended up giving him $20 later that day. I told him it was a gift and not to repay me but also that money was tight as I'm on disability and I don't have much, if any, to spare.

    In between then and Christmas he drove by and began chatting with my husband, asking what we were doing for the holidays. When my husband mentioned that we were having family over on Christmas Eve, Tony straight up invited himself over. He said, "Cool. Yeah. We'll probably stop by and hang with you guys for a bit!" My husband was so shocked that he didn't respond. Thankfully he never came by but I know he could see the fire pit going through the fence. We can't exactly hide from him as he lives 30 feet away.

    We actually didn't see him until last weekend when he stopped by and paid my husband back the $20 he borrowed. It was a pleasant surprise. Until today.

    Today he came over and asked my husband if he had a minute to talk. My husband said he didn't as he was on his way out the door to take my son to the movies but Tony the Bulldozer insisted on two minutes of his time. Apparently Tony wasn't paid by his job again and between Christmas being crazy expensive (I saw the bragging pictures he posted on Facebook with tons of presents under the tree) and his electric bill being overdue, he needed a loan to get him through. My husband told him he understands but we're in a tight spot financially too. Every example Tony used my husband countered yet the man still said he needed over $100 from us! It took a solid 10 minutes for my husband to get through to Tony and make him understand that we weren't going to give him any money. Seriously, who does that?! We're not even friends with the guy. I feel like he only paid the $20 back because he thought he could hook us for an even larger amount.

    I ended up asking his upstairs neighbor if they've ever dealt with this and lo and behold he's asked every single tenant in the quadplex for cash at one point or another. He even asked one tenant for $400! They avoid him like the plague but he's so socially inept that he isn't picking up on the fact that his behavior is beyond inappropriate.

    This is where I need your advice. How do I shake this dude and get him to stop coming around and most of all, stop asking us for money? I understand that I made a huge mistake by helping him out once but I just know this isn't the last time he's gonna ask for money. Or show up uninvited.
    Please keep in mind that no matter what we still have to live in close proximity to him and we don't want to start a neighborhood feud with him and his wife. If that wasn't an issue I would have dealt with him harshly by now.
    “I’m pretty and tough, like a diamond. Or beef jerky in a ball gown.” - Titus Andromedon

    #2
    Originally posted by IntoDust View Post
    This is where I need your advice. How do I shake this dude and get him to stop coming around and most of all, stop asking us for money? I understand that I made a huge mistake by helping him out once but I just know this isn't the last time he's gonna ask for money.
    The loaning of money dilemma is the easiest one. Just say something like 'sorry for your situation, but we've decided no more loans'.

    Period. That's it. You don't need to give any reasons why, and it's actually better if you don't keep giving reasons. Short and simple. Sorry, no. Whatever he says, you come back with 'sorry, no'.

    I learned that earth shattering tactic from my therapist.

    Originally posted by IntoDust View Post
    Or show up uninvited.
    The showing up uninvited dilemma is more difficult.

    I'll have to ponder that one!

    Take Care
    PPMS for 24 years (dx 1998)
    ~ Worrying will not take away tomorrow's troubles ~ But it will take away today's peace. ~

    Comment


      #3
      I am glad Tony isn't my neighbor! Do you think his wife knows that he asks to borrow money? I can just imagine her Christmas, asking him if they were invited or if he invited them - could be why they didn't show.

      Maybe have a conversation with him that emphasizes that you are on disability, that you tightly budget your finances, and there really isn't any extra room. Then comment that since his employer doesn't always pay on time, he should look for a new job or work on building an emergency fund so he doesn't need to ask others for cash. Then just let him know that while you empathize with his situation, he needs to stop asking you and your husband, as it isn't an option for you to lend it. That you have your own struggles.

      As for his drop bys and crashing habit, that is tough. Since he is pretty obtuse, hinting won't help. It seems you need to be direct and a little harsh for him to get it. Maybe you can let him know that similar to your finances, your MS makes you budget your energy tightly. So while he is welcome when you invite him, you can't welcome him when he is not. Then let him know that he has to respect both your finances and your personal needs to remain neighbors on good terms. Definitely don't use the word friends.

      If he persists, you may have to be really blunt and harsh, possibly even engaging with his wife.
      Kathy
      DX 01/06, currently on Tysabri

      Comment


        #4
        Hello,

        Unfortunately, people like Tony exist and, unpleasant as it may be we have to deal with them. Expect those two things... you will have to deal with him and it will be unpleasant.

        Why on earth should you deny your own family to care for someone who clearly is a moocher? Is it right to care about his feelings more than your own family needs?

        Only you can decide whether you going to short your own family if you don't have the kahonas to stand up for them.

        You asked for advice so here it is... tell him simply and firmly... "I provide for my family and you provide for yours, that is the way life is; never ask me for money; EVER. Good day, I am busy." Then walk away. If you try being nice or try explaining, you have lost. Be firm and crystal clear; get that in your head before you speak.

        Dealing with someone like Tony is a part of life most of us have faced, or will have to face. Moochers DNA is such that they won't stop requesting until you are firm.

        Best wishes!

        Comment


          #5
          Arghhhh. The good news is it will be far more uncomfortable for you than for Tony as he obviously has no boundaries or self awareness.

          As others have said you will have to be firm, brief and consistent. If he shows up at your door you will literally have to cut him off, politely but swiftly, and basically shut the door in his face. "So sorry we have nothing extra to spare" shut the door. "Sorry buy I've got something on the stove" shut the door. "Gotta take this phone call" shut the door. The difficult part will be to follow through on what you say and immediately shut the door and/or walk away while he is still talking-because he will still be talking. This is uncomfortable but doable and trust he won't be as offended as you might suspect.

          This is rough for those with empathy and manners because it feels harsh but unfortunately in my opinion it is the only way to get some peace because obviously he can't and won't shut up or respect your not so subtle hints. It probably isn't even about him being manipulative as much as being socially inept.

          PS I love that you allowed his kiddo to come to the party uninvited. If that happens again you might need to drop by Tony's house after and request that it not happen in the future. Hopefully when you stop being "friends" with him and he accepts that you won't give him money he will move on? and pester someone else. Good luck!
          He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
          Anonymous

          Comment


            #6
            In this type of situation you will need to set firm boundaries.

            Money; I'm sorry, we have a very firm rule of not loaning money. You don't need to offer a reason.

            Sometimes you might find you need to be rude to get your point across. "I can't talk right now," "I'm busy," etc. and then walk away or close your door even if the person is still talking. I know that sounds harsh but with some people there is no other options ~ they simply don't get it.

            The advice you are getting is pretty much the same, just phrased differently

            If rudeness gets your point across they will be offended and hurt but they will stay away.
            Diagnosed 1984
            “Lightworkers aren’t here to avoid the darkness…they are here to transform the darkness through the illuminating power of love.” Muses from a mystic

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by SNOOPY View Post
              Sometimes you might find you need to be rude to get your point across. "I can't talk right now," "I'm busy," etc. and then walk away or close your door even if the person is still talking. I know that sounds harsh but with some people there is no other options ~ they simply don't get it.
              Exactly and in my experience these types rarely notice that it should be considered rude. It has to happen all the time to them. They never shut up so the only real way to end interactions pleasant or otherwise is to exit while they are still yapping.
              He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
              Anonymous

              Comment


                #8
                Originally posted by Jules A View Post
                Exactly and in my experience these types rarely notice that it should be considered rude. It has to happen all the time to them. They never shut up so the only real way to end interactions pleasant or otherwise is to exit while they are still yapping.
                Thank you all for making me realize that what I consider to be rude, he probably doesn't. It's probably a common occurrence for him. That's both hilarious and sad.

                I want to make it clear that I'm not concerned about his financial situation and I'd never consider taking care of him and his family before my own. That's never gonna happen. Even if we were loaded I still wouldn't lend a dime to him again because it has obviously taught him to come back and up the ante. So I have my response ready for when he asks to borrow money again (because let's face it - he will).

                The best piece of advice I've ever gotten is: When you need to address someone's behavior, it's better to be uncomfortable for 30 seconds than to hold it in and sit on it for 30 minutes, 30 days or 30 weeks. Looks like I have to follow the advice I so often dish out, huh?

                As for maintaining a cordial neighborly relationship I guess I have to accept that it's not possible. He's a guy of extremes and it's either gonna be all in or no contact from now on. I considered reaching out to his wife but I really can't read her. Based on our interactions I can't tell if she really dislikes me, is extremely introverted or just humiliated by his behavior. I'll contact her as a last resort but I'm more uncomfortable talking to her about it than him. I also don't know if she's aware that he does this. Maybe she's complicit? I dunno.

                My sister and a good friend of mine both pointed out that he's probably a coke head. Between their impressions of him when they've met him and his behavior when he comes over here I'm inclined to agree that it's a very real possibility. So gross.
                “I’m pretty and tough, like a diamond. Or beef jerky in a ball gown.” - Titus Andromedon

                Comment


                  #9
                  It's reassuring that he asks all of the neighbors for money in some sense. You're on the circuit and basically there is nothing personal about it.

                  I guess my concern would be, if it is drug activity and he's desperate for money is there some classic way this stuff escalates. My approach would be vigilance and some forward thinking. For example when you see him, does it seem like his situation is getting more desperate, in such a way that there could be a worse event in your community?

                  You don't say he's particularly agro just kind of clueless. If he does start to deteriorate or become "worse," I might get some advice from social services. There are always other ways to help people besides with money, if they really need it.
                  All the best, ~G

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by gargantua View Post
                    It's reassuring that he asks all of the neighbors for money in some sense. You're on the circuit and basically there is nothing personal about it.

                    I guess my concern would be, if it is drug activity and he's desperate for money is there some classic way this stuff escalates. My approach would be vigilance and some forward thinking. For example when you see him, does it seem like his situation is getting more desperate, in such a way that there could be a worse event in your community?
                    You know, I felt relieved knowing that it’s not just us he’s asking. I feel bad for the tenants who have to share a building with him but they’ve banded together over there.

                    He doesn’t seem to be getting more desperate or dangerous. Just bolder in his requests. We live downtown in a pretty decent sized city, so we’re used to dealing with tweakers (speed users) and junkies (heroin users). It’s the tweakers you gotta watch out for. They’re like the living dead but unlike zombies, they move fast. Real fast and real aggressive.
                    I’ve learned that the best way to deal with them when they’re doing things in our alley they’re not supposed to (using drugs, hopping fences) is to start screaming at them and out crazy them. We all do it around here. It’s also part of why we all need to be on good terms and look out for each other. The louder we’ve gotten the less they come around our block.
                    Man, after writing that it sounds like I live in the ‘hood. It’s not that bad. Mostly cute historical houses with some hoodrats mixed in here or there.
                    “I’m pretty and tough, like a diamond. Or beef jerky in a ball gown.” - Titus Andromedon

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Unfortunately when you lend money the persons problems become your problems. I know only too well. Just tell him you don’t need any more problems, you can’t handle any more problems and you don’t want to cause any more problems. Hope they understand. They will.
                      It was one agains't 2.5million toughest one we ever fought.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Actually, I wouldn't give him any explanations. Just tell him no more. Period. (like KoKo says) You don't deserve the added stress.

                        Then go out and buy a cheap NO SOLICITING sign to hang on your door.

                        Another option, if he still persists and things get really ugly, get a restraining order against him. Hopefully, it won't go that far.
                        1st sx '89 Dx '99 w/RRMS - SP since 2010
                        Administrator Message Boards/Moderator

                        Comment


                          #13
                          You don't have to explain anything to him. Just say no. Not "things are tight" or anything that leaves an inch of possibility.

                          Can I borrow.....
                          No.

                          I'll probably stop over for a few minutes...
                          No, I have to go now, bye.
                          The future depends on what you do today.- Gandhi

                          Comment


                            #14
                            This comes from an interview with Terry Gross, the NPR interviewer, regarding conversation:

                            Ms. Gross wishes that everyone would pay attention to other people’s body language. “Try to pick up on when you’ve kind of lost somebody’s attention,” she said. That way, you can avoid boring your fellow interlocutor to death or holding someone up from getting to wherever they may actually need to be. If the person engaging you in ceaseless chatter won’t take the hint, Ms. Gross again recommends honesty. “Well, there’s the truth, which is I’d love to talk some more, but I’m really late,” even, she says, if it feels rude to cut things off. “If a person is being insensitive to you, you don’t have a commitment to be beholden to their insensitivity.”

                            It´s that last sentence that frees you.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Just stay firm,I am sorry you have to deal with this,like we don’t have enough stress.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X