No reason to ever be happy anymore

[lemstar]

A different take.....

First, I want to empathize--your lot is unfair, and difficult. Next, and most importantly, I have a different response than everybody else here. I agree with it all. HOWEVER, that being said, you are in the situation you are in. You said everyone says you are nasty and miserable to be around, and that you think that's not so, you are just sick of your misfortune. Well, this may be hard to hear, and there is nothing fair about it at all, but MAYBE you are being difficult? I am not saying you don't have the right, or you are unfairly difficult, but at this rate, you are right--there is nothing to be happy about. What can YOU do to change this? Someone recommended your son go to counseling. Not a bad idea, but you sound so unhappy, I think you could benefit from counseling. Sometimes we have beliefs that handicap us, and assure our constant misery, and we aren't even aware of it.
Your son is 17. He's "supposed" to be somewhat difficult and miserable. It's his job. And he didn't ask for his mom to have MS any more than you asked to have it.
And your little one: you love to see her eyes sparkle. A happier mom would make her eyes sparkle more than Christmas decorations would.
You can't change your MS. You can't change that you have a teen son. (I have a 17 yr old son too....not fun much of the time.). BUT you can change your outlook, even just a little. Cognitive behavioral therapy looks at your beliefs, and how you think and feel, and how they are related. Look up a therapist at the Assoc for Behavioral Cogntive Therapy, abct.com (or is it www.abct.org?) Give it a try. Just go twice.
Also, I find when I am super nice to my 17 yr old, or just ignore him when he is rotten, and stay away from him, that his behavior reverberates more, and he is more able to see how he is behaving. When I am a ***** back to him, it just makes him go further down that lousy teen road.
Lastly, hang in there. Look for the bright side. There is usually one....

[jenphilly]

kbloom -

A thought on the opposite end of the spectrum... what was your relationship with your son before MS? I have a 20 year old daughter and while I am thankful, my MS is early and with few limitations at this point, I know the one thing I've stopped because I was uncomfortable with (barn chores for our horses), we talked about knowing this was something we enjoyed together (did I just type mucking poo was enjoyable???)....

The point of my babble.... is it possible, his anger is not so much with you, but what MS has done to you? At 17, he might be upset he no longer has his mom to 'mother' him... If you had a solid relationship before MS, have you considered counseling to help him understand and adjust.

I apologize if this is out of line, but I'm a big believer in talking and actually found a counselor last week for myself to help deal with living with MS. Not so much for me, but I was just married in September and while he knew an MS diagnosis was on the horizon, I still feel having someone outside of family and friends to help with adjusting to what impact this may / will have at some point down the road will only help to make adjustments easier.

I hope things improve with your son.

Hugs,

Jen

[4boysmom]

I also just read this post and have a different take than many of the first responders. Maybe because I've been that person......

As I read the post, it seems that the son did help stream the lights and put on tinsel. The disagreement came when he was asked to fix the tinsel a certain way?? If I misunderstood this, then ignore the rest of the post.

Yes, it stinks to not be able to do what we've always done, and along with that comes the need to graciously except help that is given, and not be critical when it doesn't get done the way "we used to do it!"

And I agree that happiness is of our own design and desire. No one can ruin your Christmas but you. You may have to learn to accept Christmas on different terms than you're used to celebrating, but that doesn't mean it still cannot be the meaningful holiday it has been in the past.

Just my humble opinion as I too wrestle with not being as excited/prepared/etc. for Christmas as I used to be. I'm mostly looking forward to having a break from work and spending time sleeping in, and being lazy!!

[kbloom2]

Thank you!!!!!

Thank you all for your advise, it is very helpful.
I have been thinking alot since the whole thing started and yes I have been miserable lately.

I had asked my DS would he treat better if I were paralyzed he said yes. He said because he would know I need the help, with Ms you being lazy. I was taken by that, it hit me really hard..

As for my little seeing the sparkle in eye I see all the time it was just wanting to see even more of a sparkle...
every christmas is getting harder and harder, but I will conquer this.. thank you for allowing me to vent and great advise.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

[kebsa]

we are ahead of you in time here in australia, it is a little past 1.30 in the morning on christmas day, and i am thinking of you, i hope you have a happy christmas with your family- that you see plenty of that sparkle from your daughters eyes (i am sure you will)

i do understand your concerns for christmas in the future as they seem to get harder to deal with but that is something we will have to work on to make sure that we get the best we can of it. i can understand you being taken aback by your sons comment but at least it is the start of a dialogue and that means things can improve

wishing you and your family a really happy christmas, and a better one next year!

[Shashi]

My daughter yelled at me one time when she was about 15, and called me a bad name. I walked over to her, and she threatened to call family services if I laid a finger on her. (I've spanked my kids, but never abused them in my life!) I told her that if she called family services, she might as well call an ambulance too, because she was going to need it. (She was as big as I was at the time.) I then told her that she was not welcome in MY home until she could talk to me with respect, and I shoved her out the front door and locked it. She walked to a friend's house and spent the night, and the next day, she knocked on the door and apologized. And she never yelled at me again. Sometimes you have to use tough love. (Neither of my boys ever yelled at me, thank goodness!)

I once read something that said raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jello to a tree. The good thing is, they do eventually grow up. Until then, you have my sympathies and my prayers!

[futurmil2b]

I have come to realize that I will never be happy. I try and I get knocked down.

I cant decorate the tree, ask my son to steam the lights and the tinsel and he is get angry and me because I am asking if he can fix the tinsel. Nope I get yelled at say "WHY DONT YOU DO IT THEN" knowing full well if I could I would...

I hate the christmas season now, I useed to love this time or year, but nope not anymore.. all I wanted was the have the lights up and the tinsel so when my little one came home she can decorate the tree with ornaments, but nope my son is yelling at because I am " dictating"

I just have given up on happiness
merry freakin christmas

Choosing to be happy is a choice... When you get knocked down, there is no where to go but up. I have been knocked down so many times.. but I am still standing. I know its HARD... you can be happy..

I agree with the other post.. your son should not be yelling at you. On the flip side of all this...and this is jmo - I do believe your son is having a hard time seeing his mom in a wheelchair.

My daughter is 19 and I don't think she will be able to handle seeing me in a wheelchair - but she would not yell at me or anything.. She do not like to see me give myself injections... I am mostly alone in the dining room when I do my injection.

It is very hard on family seeing their love ones struggle with serious health issues..... Your son may not know how to express how he feels so he is lashing out at you - which is no excuse. But as I have stated - he may be feeling very hurt, etc seeing you in a wheelchair.

My husband drinks a bit more than he use to and I know part of it is me having ms. I do have a lot of good days.. and I try to pull my weight around the house. He do not see me as having ms - he seems me as I was before ms. I am glad he see me that way because it motivates me in many ways.

Do you think your son will agree to or need counseling?

P.S. If you would like to chat more - feel free to email me.. my email address is in my profile.

Jay

[mjan]

Thank you all for your advise, it is very helpful.
I have been thinking alot since the whole thing started and yes I have been miserable lately.

I had asked my DS would he treat better if I were paralyzed he said yes. He said because he would know I need the help, with Ms you being lazy. I was taken by that, it hit me really hard..

As for my little seeing the sparkle in eye I see all the time it was just wanting to see even more of a sparkle...
every christmas is getting harder and harder, but I will conquer this.. thank you for allowing me to vent and great advise.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

Wow you sure started an excellent discussion born out of your frustration.

Many here have tried to connect with what you are going through ( me too) and what your son is struggling with. Now.. did he do talk to you using the most respectful speaking skills.. aah no. BUT.. he did communicate a lot if you (and us) listen between the lines.

As hurtful as he treated you, he may also be feeling hurt and lost, disillusioned and left out due to mom changing, nothing HE asked for.. nothing YOU asked for either.

WE are responsible for our OWN HAPPINESS and need to set limits or we will learn hard way.(and I was a slow learner on this issue trust me LOL ).

Yes set limits /boundaries with your son as far as HOW he speaks to you. My girls gave me the "silent treatment" which hurts just as much. Or one used to be sarcastic for my lack of memory. Her observation was accurate..it was ME that had no idea LOL. She is now the closest and learned about MS to help me NOW.. go figure. But it took awhile to mend our relationship.

Under ANGER is hurt, disappointment and a lot of unknown negative sad feelings. Maybe he still needs his mom (unbeknownst to him LOL) but does not feel secure. Maybe he does not know what MS does to a person that used to be there for THEM. Now YOU need THEM to be there for you..only.. they do not know how!! We have to teach them.

The "tinsel-lights" on the tree are symbolic. So answer this.. is Christmas (tree, tinsel etc) always going to be the way WE want it to be?
Or ...are there other ways to discover PEACE...

Already I can feel you changing as you let go of your initial hurt. Thank you.. for you did ALL OF US here a service my dear.. now we ALL are thinking about the "gift of MS"...our teacher..
The gift that keeps on giving..

Hugs to you and yours, Jan

[kebsa]

all great comments, however when it comes to the gift of MS, while i understand what you are saying, this is one gift that i would love to return for a refund!!