Is anyone else DREADING the holidays??

[inmoni5]

This is my first holiday season since my dx. I think I am more concerned with all the traveling/people I will have to contend with.

We have a bunch of dinners at different places involving a minimum of an hour travel time to 2 hour travel time one way.

My side is extremely selfish and will not schedule around anyone else and if we can't make it....we are horrible people. I was just informed last night that my mother will be holding Christmas on Christmas because she doesn't want to be alone on Christmas again this year. She does have my dad too ya know. Nevermind the fact that we have 3 kids and santa coming Christmas morning. I would LOVE to make a Christmas dinner and enjoy the WHOLE day at home with my immediate family!!

I had a hard time with the holidays last year....I remember coming home after every dinner just emotionally exhausted and crying.

I cannot handle 6 dinners in a week again. This happens for Thanksgiving as well as Christmas too.

I LONG for the day that we can just stay home and enjoy ourselves in our own little family bubble.

[warriormomma23]

Make your priorities and follow them!!!

Make your priorities and follow them!!! That is how you will get through with less stress. You don't want to overburden your body and suffer. No, I am not dreading the holidays; however, I have a very supportive extended family. They will understand if I have to take a nap at an event. They understood last year. Good luck and I hope you can make this a happy season.

[sengelhardt]

Just a thought, but just say NO.

We learned a long time ago that if we were going to survive the holidays, and quit spreading ourselves so thin that we didn't enjoy our holiday, we would have to say no.

If what you REALLY want is a nice quiet Christmas at home with YOUR family, and give your kids a normal "Santa visit" moment then family time at home then do it. They are only young once, and you will never get those moments back.

We were a military family, and every year we were expected to go visit our families during the holidays, rather than them come to us, and it made us miserable. Traveling with young kids to go see grandparents half a country away, over Christmas where there were tons of presents to deal with getting back home, aunts who lived another 50 miles away expected us to drive there.. it was just a mess. One year we flew to NC from MT, then drove to MA for two days, then drove back to NC..to fly back to MT, over a 8 day vacation. it was miserable...not to mention expensive~

So we stopped. And you know what happened? The family didn't like it.. We got the comments about how the family really wanted to see the kids at Christmas, and how they missed us want to know what our response was? Well, the roads go both ways, and they were more than welcome to come to our house.

Life has been much simpler since then. I know we got the not so nice comments behind our backs, but we don't stress over holidays anymore, and we spend that gas,airplane,car rental, hotel money on us.

So pick a couple dinners you want to attend, and don't over commit during these upcoming holidays, no need for excuses or explanations, just say, No, sorry we wont be attending this year. One good excuse without laying on the MS "card" is simply saying you have too much going on that day/week and can't commit to anything else. You shouldn't feel stressed, the holiday season is all about thankfulness, happiness and joy. Remember that. and good luck!

[oso49]

sengelhardt,

My family and I served 25 years in the military and so know what you mean. We did what we could concerning visits during the holidays...and that was way before any hint of MS.

You're right; the road goes both ways and I agree with everything you said. For inmoni5 and anyone else out there worried about "pleasing the family" during the holiday stress, put out the welcome mat. If they choose not to visit, you'll be just as well off and probably have a much better (and more meaningful) holiday.

Happy Thanksgiving and a very blessed and Merry Christmas to all!!!

[cosake]

Inmoni5 - PLEASE pick and choose a few events and save yourself stress and keep yourself healthy.

Your health is too important to take this overscheduling lightly. Your kids are more important than your extended family. Give them a wonderful day at home and make some new family traditions. I don't think you will regret the decision afterwards.

We traveled every year for the holidays as a kid. Let me just say that it was awful (the traveling part). We would show up and then because there was an event/party, we wouldn't even be able to really have a good visit with anyone.

Family is important - but don't let it rule your life.

We used to do our own Christmas, Christmas with the in-laws and with my parents, all in the same day. It got to be overwhelming with small kids (way before MS diagnosis).

We stayed home one year and everyone came to us. Needless to say, we both missed going to our parents.

Thankfully our family all live with 15 mins of us. Now we do presents and small dinner with my parents on Christmas Eve. Our own Christmas in the morning and then late brunch and gifts at my in-laws. MIL is retired and does almost all of the food prep. Then we have dinner with my parents and sister's family but no presents. My parents prepare all of the dinner meal. We meet with my husband's birth mother's family a few weeks before Christmas, or a few weeks after.

You need to find what will work for YOU. If you are able, offer to host something at your house - make them come to you. Have everyone bring something. Or, ask to make alternate plans on another date/weekend.

Just say NO (and I know it's hard to do - it took me a little while to find my voice) - be firm about it and stick up for yourself and your family and your health ! If they balk, ask them if they'd like to be visiting you in the hospital for Christmas instead ?!

[Lexie]

With MS we sometimes have to make really tough decisions. When I over do and get fatigued, it may be a week before I can get back to my daily limited routine. I refuse to have that happen anymore. I have hosted a Street Rod Christmas Party for all of our car friends for 20 years. Last year I was barely making it to work each day without collapsing. My husband cancelled it for the year and guess what. This year I asked someone else to host it and they are happy to do so. I am so relieved. Not that I don't love their company, but hosting a party is no easy thing. I only have two sons and three granddaughters so we just do a normal Thanksgiving and Christmas and the daughter in laws help. Never again will I overburden myself because of my health. In the end it hurts everyone! Good Luck!

[inmoni5]

My side is 2 hours. My mother, step-dad, and brothers and their families...on christmas eve or day.
My father and step-mom and brothers and their families usually weekend before or after Christmas.

Hubby's side is an hour drive. His parents and brothers sisters and their families on the day after Christmas.
Hubby's grandparents Dad's side...Christmas day.
Hubby's family mother's side weekend after Christmas.

That leaves our personal immediate family on Christmas am for about an hour before we load up and go.

UGH!!! This year CANNOT repeat last year. And I guess my foot will have to come down HARD on this one. I'm not gonna end up in a flare just because I had to please everyone. For me that's really hard because I am by nature a people pleaser.

However here lately, I have been a lot less happy easy tempered...if you catch my drift.

[cosake]

Tough decisions to make, but maybe you can alternate years and days. And choose to do EITHER Christmas Eve OR Christmas Day somewhere else - not both.

It's all about compromise and consideration. You may want to try to change the routine/schedule with someone who may be the most open to the change first. (Kind of get your feet wet !)

And if you start letting people know now, they will have enough time to accept it and you can make alternate schedules for visits.

I wish you good luck and keep us posted. We can be your support team to go "HOORAH!" when you succeed, or if you need some encouragement along the way.

[ms.rosetta.blue]

i feel similarly...especially where you say that if you don't go to these thing that you are considered horrible people...and coming home exhausted and crying..i do this regularly, but getting better about not feeling guilty when saying "NO" to so many outings ...if anyone wants to think iam horrible because of it, that is their problem

your own little family bubble time sounds awesome

sorry you are having to deal with this

[tommylee]

My side is extremely selfish and will not schedule around anyone else and if we can't make it....we are horrible people. /////

Great! Please consider becomming a "Horrible Person".
What is the worst that could happen? They would exclude you and talk behind your back?


I would LOVE to make a Christmas dinner and enjoy the WHOLE day at home with my immediate family! /////

Perfect! You and your "Horrible Family" should do that this year!
Just choose to skip the outside family drama and be happy with the your immediate family.
(it sounds alot better than spending the week in a car to be with people that are not fun to be with?)

I LONG for the day that we can just stay home and enjoy ourselves in our own little family bubble.

That day has come!!!
You have all the power.
Just decide not to do it.
Tell everyone that they are welcome to come visit you but you do not have the energy to get out this year.
If they throw a tantrum that is their problem not yours.

In dream-world, they may even offer to cook some food for you? (don't hold your breath, but it could happen.)

Enjoy the holidays with Your Family.

If the outside family just brings stress and pain? Why do it???
How does it effect your children that you are torn and frazzeled during the holidays?
Is it fair to put them thru this to satisfy your outside family?

Stay home and be happy.
(or move further away so you have a better excuse.) 1,000+ miles keeps me pretty safe.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU!!!

God Bless you.

(being a "Horrible Person" is highly under-rated!)
I reccomend you become one this year.

[Windwalker]

I agree with Tommylee.

Maybe it's better to pull that band-aid off now. This issue is not going away. Do what's best for you and your kids, you have had a tough year and are just not up to the "usual" holiday plans.

[Deer In Headlights]

Just say No, my wife does all the time

I'm sorry for the comic relief, I think it's funny.

This is going to be a hard time for you doing soo much during the holidays, it's ok to say no.

You've got too much on your plate and if you're anything like me, bad sense of humor and all, it feels like my head is being filled with information and some of it is spilling over.

Relax, easier said than done. Good Luck

[AnneLouise]

Put your foot down and just say no. It is your life.

People may be angry and selfish, but so what? That's their anger and selfishness. And they will have to get over it. Let them talk while you're enjoying your Christmas at home. I bet your kids will love it. I know I did.

So, yeah...what holidays?

[gomer]

inmoni5....

You have the PERFECT excuse IMO........
....This is my first holiday season since my dx...

I bet many people that don't even have to deal with MS or similar issues would to have a good excuse.

There is no better time in your life to decide to set limits so your holidays are more a time of joy, and less stress & frustration. With MS we have to moderate our lives even w/o the holidays.

There have been a lot of great ideas, comments and viewpoints, YOU have to do what is best for YOU (and your immediate family)!

Gomer well, that's my tupence anywho.

[Kraheera]

I am a bit of a ***** when it comes to family, and they've figured this out. I spent years getting mentally and emotionally put through the ringer, and I've been putting my foot down for about 5 years now.

We ARE a military family. The husband's family is 14 hours away, my family is 27 in the other direction.

When they beg and plead, I remind them that they are free to come visit. When they whine... I tend to just ignore them.

Cold, but it works.