At Wits End and NEEDING to Rant

[NatalieB]

I have been reading through the forums, trying to get my thoughts in order and am still at a loss even after reading some of the responses to others who have had difficult relationships while dealing with their diagnosis and the reactions of their significant other. (Warning, this is extremely long. I really have no clue how to sum it up and convey all that has been happening).

In all honesty, I have been having problems since before I even had the first signs of, much less my diagnosis of MS. My DH and I got married just under 2 years ago, shortly after our first son was born. I was so happy the day we married, even if it was FAR from the wedding that I had wanted with only my father there to witness it. We had planned to do a small ceremony later on for our friends and family, however I now know that will never happen. I have given up my hopes for this at this point.

This being said. Everything has pretty much slid downhill from there. The very week after our first son was born I was back in college doing 14 credit hours. I maintained a schedule of going to school, coming home to take care of the baby, cleaning the house, maintaining all of our assistance that was needed while I wasn't working due to classes, taking our child to his doctor's appointments and doing all the grocery and household item shopping. I literally had no time for myself between home life and school life.

Granted my husband DID take out the trash and watch our son while I was asleep. Sadly, his idea of taking out the trash was to do it once a week. I got so upset about every little thing. Ended up suffering from PPD so bad that I got suicidal. When I made the comment to my husband one day that I "felt worthless" his response was to give one of those quick, semi-light slaps across my cheek. OMG was I ticked, I almost knocked him across the room. When we discussed it later, his reasoning was "Well you weren't upset anymore right?"... no, I wanted to knock you senseless... "Well, it did it's job then".

Once January last year rolled around, I signed up for my last 16 credit hours to graduate. I made sure I purchased the items needed to do repairs on our home from my student loans when I got my refund. (This included laminate flooring to go over the subflooring that was in here when we moved in, dry-wall composite to finish the walls, and cool-seal for our roof to repair the leaks that had been going on for 6 months.) My husband promised to take care of this since I had taken the initiative of going and getting everything that was needed to do the repairs. However, it's a year later and the flooring isn't even finished yet.

I found out in February that I was pregnant again, even on birth control. At this, I informed my husband that he wasn't touching me anymore . I still maintained my same routine as the last semester of all the housework, shopping, childcare when not asleep, and school work. Despite all of this I still managed to finish up my bachelor's degree that May. I was so happy. However, after the ceremony, my husband wanted nothing to do with going to lunch with my parents to celebrate. So, we went home.

A good friend of mine ended up hiring me in August for her company. It was really awesome pay too and it was something I loved. Plus, I could do alot of the work from home which is awesome with all the other things that I do. I was making double my husband's pay and we were rather comfortable for the time.

I took my maternity leave when our second son was born. However, the delivery really did take alot out of me. My husband was only there for the delivery and 15 min after I was moved into my room after. The following day he stopped by for an hour then showed up the day after that just to pick me up. I was walking around the hospital in tears. Even with our son in the neonatal care ward and our oldest staying with his parents, he wasn't there with me.

I was so thrilled to go home after those 3 days even if our son did have to stay an extra 4 days after. I had felt so unloved the whole time. However, when I arrived back home I found my house in worse condition than when I had left. That very day I got home from the hospital I was sweeping the house, doing dishes and laundry.

Well, that was October... November is when my first incident took place that lead to the diagnosis of MS in March. (I won't expound on it here, if anyone wants those details they are in my original post where I introduced myself).

However, I will add in to that my husband's reactions to the neurologist appointment and then the diagnosis. The initial visit before my spinal tap when I came home and told him she was pretty certain it was indeed MS he just stood in the kitchen and tried to joke at me "There's nothing wrong with you. It's all in your head." When the full diagnosis was given, I came home to tell him. When I did, I got a brief hug while standing up in our living room. I had wanted nothing more than to curl up in his lap and cry, and I got a HUG?!!!

Since all of this, I have not been working since my boss wanted me on my meds before bringing me back into MORE stress on top of the rest of the stuff in my life. I filled out all of my paperwork for financial assistance and what not since our income had dropped over $1,200. Between the doctor's trips and regular bills, we're stuggling just to make it normally.

I have tried to talk to my husband during all this time about things that have been bugging me about his behavior. Opened the floor up to him as well if he had anything he needed to say about my behavior too. He always took it as an attack on him and each time has threatened leaving. Until I break down and convince him I didn't mean anything by it, he continues packing.

Well, I have spoken with friends on the matter many times. I still have yet to make a decision on the matter. Yes, they are correct. If every time there are marital problems he threatens to leave, it is not a marriage. But... marriage is sacred and a forever thing. Plus we have 2 boys together. He's told me if I ever leave, he won't want to see the kids afterward. He "has seen what his friend goes through each time he has to take his daughter back to her mom" and "won't put himself nor the kids through that". So, I have felt so torn of late with these thoughts. Depressed and crying to friends constantly.

Then today happened. I just started my treatments Saturday and so, my first day at home doing it myself, I wanted to show my husband how to do it. I told him it was just in case I wasn't able to do it myself a day or two if I was having problems due to the MS. He outright REFUSED! He also told me he would NEVER do it cause he's "terrified of needles". I wanted to cry and throw stuff at him. He won't do this for his own WIFE if it was absolutely necessary.

Well, as the title says and I'm sure you have concluded from this I really am at my wits end and am still torn. I do love the man. I just don't know if I can keep this up. If anyone has any advice, I welcome it with open arms.

[poohb3ar]

natalie, my heart goes out to you. you certainly have every reason to rant & rave! i don't know how you do it, but i'm glad you're hanging in there for your 2 precious sons.
even w/out MS yours is a stressful life.
even if your husband probably won't go to counseling, have you considered it? many churches and agencies offer counseling on a sliding scale basis. you could use the advice of a professional.
i feel totally inadequate to advise you anymore than that.
just know that you're in my prayers. hang in there!
take care & God bless ya!

[cosake]

Well, first of all, welcome to the board. I'm fairly new here and have really appreciated everyone's support and advice and helpful hints. I hope that you will too.

You can come here to vent anytime, without guilt.

I think you feel in your heart that you love your husband, but you are questioning it in your head. What do you follow, heart or head ? It's such a difficult decision for you to make during a stressful time.

I know that it would add more to your schedule, but if your husband won't join you for counseling, perhaps you should try to go on your own - to help keep your own sanity. Perhaps you can also learn some stress relieving techniques ?

I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

[msastros]

Oh My Goodness!

What does it take for a DH to take care of someone other than themself? I had gotten to the end of my rope and asked Ex to pack and leave....which he promptly did and filed for divorce. I still miss him but not the emotional abuse. We did not have children so that made my decision easier. I agree, couseling is needed. Good Luck and God Bless. You are loved.

[Jules A]

I'm sorry you are in this situation and like others mentioned I think that you have some tough decisions because it sounds like your marriage was not ideal even before the added stress of MS.

He does sound like a dolt but it probably wouldn't hurt to do some soul searching on your end to make sure your expectations for things like your wedding, birth, diagnosis etc. It just sounds like you have a long list of disappointments and resentment. FWIW my DH only gave me a hug when I was diagnosed but it was heartfelt and enough.

Thank goodness, and kudos, that you perservered through school because as someone who can make a decent living to support yourself and your children you are in a way better position than many people. Wishing you an easy time of it with this monster. Hang in there.

[Tawanda]

I may be partial, BUT I have no sympathy for your H

He always took it as an attack on him and each time has threatened leaving. Until I break down and convince him I didn't mean anything by it, he continues packing.

If he really wanted to leave, he'd just leave instead of putting on a big show for you. Call his bluff, and see what he does. Ignore him when he starts this ****. If he goes, don't beg for him to come back. You really don't need this. Babies are a huge stressor and he just sounds like one more baby. I'm not saying it's easy for him, either, but really...he sounds like a bratty kid who is "is keeping all his marbles and going home". It sounds like he's blaming you for getting sick and he wants you to "take it back!".

Like it or not, he needs to act like a grown-up and step up to the plate. If not, you may have M.S. but you are not powerless...get yourself a good lawyer to remind you of that!

[Jules A]

If he really wanted to leave, he'd just leave instead of putting on a big show for you. Call his bluff, and see what he does. Ignore him when he starts this ****. If he goes, don't beg for him to come back. You really don't need this. Babies are a huge stressor and he just sounds like one more baby. I'm not saying it's easy for him, either, but really...he sounds like a bratty kid who is "is keeping all his marbles and going home". It sounds like he's blaming you for getting sick and he wants you to "take it back!".

Like it or not, he needs to act like a grown-up and step up to the plate. If not, you may have M.S. but you are not powerless...get yourself a good lawyer to remind you of that!

Great assessment and advice. I can't believe he said if he left he wouldn't try to see his children again. He needs to grow up and quit making threats.

[NatalieB]

Thanks guys

Everyone is pretty much saying the same things. I can assure you I do have reliable options that are available to me. Very close friends that want myself and my kids out of these living conditions and want to be there to help me with stuff. Sadly, none of them are really close by if things really do hit the fan but we will have to see what happens.

Granted, I am still trying to make this work because, well I do love him. I just can't see myself constantly fixing him and his emotions when he can't even be there for me. Yes, if he threatens to leave again, I am not stopping him. I plan to have the paperwork on me if and when he threatens leaving again and to tell him that if he is, to sign them before he walks out the door.

[tommylee]

He may be depressed and lost also?

You have had a lot of disappointments.
You seem to blame him for much of it.
How whipped is he after work?
Could he be depressed and disappointed also?

I am not saying that you have no reason to be sad and disappointed or that he has been Mr Wonderful. But when you tell your DH "he's not touching you" and treat him like a disappointment how close and lovie-dovie do you expect him to be?

A marriage counselor sounds like a good idea.

Sounds like bad communication on both sides?
Your hearts may be together but something is getting lost in translation?

[thisiscrazy183]

I totally agree with Tawanda. Call his bluff. He's acting like a huge, selfish juvenile. Just out of curiosity, how old is he? And what kind of parent says they'd never want to see their children again? You would have to KILL me to keep me away from my kids. Never in a million years would I volunteer to do it just to prove some kind of immature point. Focus on the Family provides a lot of phone counseling services for free, you may want to check out. Good luck!

[NatalieB]

He may be depressed and lost also?

You have had a lot of disappointments.
You seem to blame him for much of it.
How whipped is he after work?
Could he be depressed and disappointed also?

I am not saying that you have no reason to be sad and disappointed or that he has been Mr Wonderful. But when you tell your DH "he's not touching you" and treat him like a disappointment how close and lovie-dovie do you expect him to be?

A marriage counselor sounds like a good idea.

Sounds like bad communication on both sides?
Your hearts may be together but something is getting lost in translation?

tommy,

I do try to talk to him about his feelings on things quite frequently. He is very introverted and keeps things to himself. Normally if I ask him what is wrong, he'll just respond with nothing and walk away from me even when I am honestly trying to talk to him and be there for him when he appears to be upset.

As far as the comment to him of him not touching me anymore, it was a joke, and he knew that. He and I actually laughed about it because both of us had been told we couldn't have kids plus I was on birth control after our first son.

As far as him getting home from work. I do know he is exhausted. However, when he is still up at 5 pm in the afternoon playing on a computer game when he has to be at work for a 10 hour shift at 9 pm, it is not my fault whatsoever there.

We actually had a long conversation the other day before he went to bed. I do feel a little bit better on things now. He told me that he was feeling about the same as me since he works and comes home to take care of the kids. He knows I have been slacking in the cleaning area compared to before our 2nd child was born. It's not that I don't clean as much it's just not been as often. I still take care of every bit of cleaning at least once a week as far as laundry and mopping and cleaning the bathroom. Used to be I would sweep daily as well as dust but I just haven't had the energy anymore.

And I sort of felt bad about feeling like he wasn't doing enough when we spoke. But then when I thought about it later. I was still doing all of this and him doing just the same when I was doing my school work to get my degree and when I was working 40 hours a week with my boss while he works only 30 at his job.

But when I thought back on things after he went to sleep I actually came to a scary realization. I do love him, I'd do just about anything in the world for this man. However, due to all the frustrations piling on me over the past year, I don't think that I am IN love with him anymore. I don't know if this will change due to our talk the other day or not. I am thrilled that he finally let me BE the emotional wreck over my DX and cry for the first time about it since March. But, I don't see based on the past actions by him that this will actually change him. That he will actually let me talk to him about things that are on my mind freely without him discrediting anything that I say.

No, he won't ever go to speak with anyone with me about this. He thinks that all therapists are pretty much quacks and don't know what they are talking about.

[happy2beteri]

Just my opinion

Oh man... I feel for you lady. ::BIG HUGS:: to you!

So many people have made good points here. Anyone that says they wouldn't want to see their own children FOR ANY REASON deserves to be questioned morally. Sounds to me all around that when the tough gets going... he just throws his hands up. He is completely manipulating you. Those comments about never wanting to see the kids again if you split were made to keep you around. Those moments where he throws a tizzy and packs... are done to have you beg for him not to leave. He's making you feel like it's gonna be all or nothing so speak. That's not fair. Obviously he's taking the easy way out and not putting forth the effort to meet you in the middle. My husband used to do that mess before we got married. I called his bluff. Obviously he didn't go anywhere. BUT he was willing to go to counseling and he longer acts that way. I know he has said that he doesn't like therapists... but maybe when he is having one of his melodramatic moments or when he chooses to actually sit down and talk to you like he did that one time, you should tell him that you think it's the only hope for your marriage. He has other stuff going on... there's no doubt about it. It's just a given, living with MS from any viewpoint.

If you think its worth saving... see if he'll meet you in the middle to save it. But let your furstrations go when you approach him and try to be open and understanding to him. I know all too well that you can get caught up in your feelings, frustrations, and physical pain. I've also been through this with my first husband and father of my first child. I ended up in the hospital the night he proposed (my b-day no less) and was diagnosed shortly after and was on steriod IV treatments right around the time of our wedding. I think he had good intentions at the time... but didn't exactly know what he was signing up for when he said "in sickness and in health". He pretty much did the same thing to me at the hospital... and you don't wanna know what he had to go home to "do".

I suffered PPD and relapse which took my vision for 2 weeks. He refused counseling as well (until I had already left him... at which point it was far too late for his begging). Some of things he did to me there is no excuse for (although he would throw my MS out there as one in a heartbeat). I will say this much though... I was younger and stubborn and even though I thought I was being rational and understanding at the time... I see now that I was truly very hard on him at times for not meeting my expectations. But beware... you marry an angel and divorce the devil. Keep records of everything just in case. My first hubby refused to leave the house... so in order to keep the peace for the sake of our son, I had to leave. Being that he already implied that he was going to force me out then get me for abandonment... I tried to get him to sign a statement stating that we agreed I would leave for the time being and I was not abandoning him. He refused. And then took me for abandonment in hopes to get the house.

As far as dealing with him now... hubby #2 does it (they get along fine). I'm not saying he doesn't have his ways of still irritating me... but its minor compared to what it could be. So don't let him guilt you into staying if you don't want to... if he actually wants to see the kids there are civil, mature ways of going about it without all the things "his friend" has been through. And you sound like a smart woman. I doubt you'll be badmouthing him in front of your kids. I stayed for years for my first son in my first marriage. Then I realized... it was truly best for him if I didn't. MS has caused a lot of problems in my current marriage but my MS is also much worse now. We've been through a lot, but have learned how to talk to each other and jump hurdles together. I guess what I'm saying is... you've got to feel like you still want to give it your all and your guy has atleast got to be willing.

I wish you luck and apologize for the lengthy response. lol. Keep us posted.

**post edited by Moderator to break into paragraphs for easier reading! many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print**