Spouse with MS Jealous when I do things she can't

[amorsell]

Hi. My wife and I had an issue yesterday where I was invited to go mountain biking with several friends including some couples. She is not physically capable of doing this ride due to her MS. When I told her I was probably going to go, she got upset and felt excluded and it was apparent that she would prefer that I stay home with her. So instead of turn it into a bigger issue, I just stayed home.

But, now I have some resentment. I have always been a physical person and it's important to me to do some of these things even if she is physically unable to. Am I being selfish? Is she being selfish? Sometimes the line between being supportive and being controlled by her MS is a little blurry...... I want her to feel supported but what is the best way to go about it while still doing the things that I want (even need) to do? I understand that she REALLY wants to be able to do these things too, but sometimes she simply can't and there's nothing that either one of us can do about it.

Thank you all for any insight.

[Deer In Headlights]

you are just selfish, selfish, selfish

Just kidding, I don't think that your are selfish. Just because ms has been introduced into your lives doesn't mean that you two have to be in a cave. If you want to do something yourself once in awhile, do it. Of course, include her, if she can't or doesn't want to, then she needs to understand that you want to and it's ok. Just make sure that she knows that you are there for her, emotionally. I was dx back in Sep and still don't think that wife wife gets it, or even has a clue of what I go through. There isn't a day, or an hour that goes by that I'm not reminded of ms(symptoms). I'm starting to whine myself, don't need anymore of that. Good Luck and give her a hug.

[Jules A]

She is being selfish, imo, although I do understand how sad it must be for her not to be able to go.

I'd work it out like any other couple with things like him wanting to go golfing or fishing if she hates those activities. Do what you want to do as long as it doesn't consume your every free moment and make sure you have time to do things she can and wants to do also. Good luck.

[Red7172]

you are not being selfish and actually I do not think she is being selfish (it may be more of jealousy)

How long has she been dx for?
If this is something that is still kind of new to your guys life you need to talk it out and come to an understanding about situations that might come up.

I'll use one of our problems that came up for example. Our friends love to be outdoors doing things like hiking a trail while I can't do that any more but after they go on the hike sometimes I might be able to have a relaxing dinner with everyone. I don't feel completely isolated from everyone and everyone doesn't have to feel bad that I am not around.

There are alot of little things we do to make it work it might not always be fun and it might take work and after 10 years we are still dealing with things as they come up.

You just have to realize it is not as simple as you being selfish or her being selfish there are alot of weird emotions that we go thru.

[PJohnston]

I guess I have just an opposite problem. My husband has MS and I'm the one who cannot do anything. I go to work and pay all the bills. There is no money left at all for me to do anything. We buy food every other payday and that food is supplemented with food from the church pantry. I don't drink, smoke. I cut my own hair. I find make-up at the thrift store whenever I can. I go to the library to get books. We have no cable. Anyway, all "discretionary" income goes for medications.

[Tawanda]

To your good health!

M.S. has taught me to appreciate my own company. There was a time when I couldn't stand being alone (probably abandonment issues from losing my Mom at age 8), but things have changed.

Since I saw my healthy Dad trying to live his life with my M.S. Mom way back when, I am entirely sympathetic to my husband doing his own thing. If anything, he'd like it if I pushed myself more and did more with him.

I, personally, am not jealous of my husband's health, and hope he stays healthy for selfish purposes as well (as my family would be in serious financial straights if BOTH of us were on SSDI!). I have seen couples where both have serious health issues and it is a tragedy. Your wife needs to count her blessings and drop the jealousy...jealousy is a very taxing emotion and not one that someone with M.S. needs to be dealing with. It's a huge energy drain.

[JoanFrances]

Sweet to ask

I think it is sweet that you care enough to even ask us what we think. Sometimes it isn't easy to see the other side of a question if you are in the middle of it. When my dh and I seem to be at an impasse on an issue, I always go to an older male friend and ask his opinion as to whether or not I am just being stubborn. I trust this person because he always answers me honestly.

As long as you are sharing other quality time with her on a level she can enjoy, I don't see that you doing something you enjoy is selfish at all.

If we don't do some things for ourselves that we enjoy, we end up with nothing to give because we end up feeling lost.

Good luck

[nightflyer]

I'M JEALOUS SOMETIMES

BUT..I ADMIT IT AND TELL HIM TO DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO TO BE HAPPY IN HIS LIFE. LIFE "ISN'T ALL ABOUT ME" I LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY.

[QuickType]

It's hard sometimes not to get a bit upset (angry/jealous/whatever) when MS keeps me from a fun activity, and it's hard to always act like it doesn't matter.

The best advice I have is to talk about it as frankly as you two can manage, and make time to do it, not squeezing it in between errands. Give each other your full attention.

Let her talk about what she's thinking and feeling and tell her honestly how you feel. Women, as a general rule, want to talk and explain their feelings and issues, without being offered solutions.

You know, she may be fearing deep down that you might leave her. Something like, "If he'll leave me to go have fun with his friends, that means he's tired of me and my MS and is going to leave for good." She may have subconsciously wanted you to stay home as "proof" that you will put her first.

I can also tell you that as a female with MS, I wasn't always "rational," "reasonable," "logical," or "fair" about my emotions even before I was diagnosed, and now sometimes I'm even worse. If I'm not feeling well physically, my temper is shorter and I get upset more easily. Sometimes I feel okay physically but am off-balance mentally and emotionally.

Sometimes my husband will look at me and say "Is that really how you feel or are you spazzing?" and it usually makes me stop and think. (LOL - it sounds awful when I write it, but trust me, it's not unkind or rude. We've been married a long, long time and it's just become kind of a code word.)

Sorry for blathering on and on like this. I hope somewhere there's a kernel of useful advice in there. I do think it's very nice of you to make the effort to get some other opinions.

[chaseyshorts]

It's a tough situation. I do not think you are being selfish and it was nice of you to stay home. But if it continues like this eventually that will do more harm than good, yes she will get her way but you will be unhappy.

I'm newly diagnosed and have already had to cancel on a couple of things that we had planned because of my health. Last week my hubby went to a concert with a friend, I wanted to be there so bad since it was free but knew that I wouldn't make it through the night. Sure, I would've preffered if he stayed home so we can have our Criminal Minds marathon (lol), but I also know that I can't tie him down here.

I've actually had thoughts like "QuickType" mentioned.... I'm afraid that eventually he'll want to leave, that maybe he'll meet someone that he can have more fun with. And I've opened up to him about this. BUT, if I become a paranoid jealous person who won't let him go anywhere then eventually he'll probably leave anyway so I just have to pray that he'll make the right choices in life.

Next week he's going to a wedding without me. It was a hard decision but I finally decided to stay home... I told him as long as he doesn't get drunk and is able to drive home... to have LOTS of fun without me! LOL

Hang in there, I hope she comes around. I would definitely open up to her regarding your feelings and just reassure her on any insecurities she may have.

[Shileah]

I don't think you're selfish

Considering my husband just dumped me and you only want to go mountain biking, I think you need to let her know how you feel.

Good Luck.

[Tawanda]

better off without him

Considering my husband just dumped me and you only want to go mountain biking, I think you need to let her know how you feel.

Good Luck.

Dear Shileah,
It sounds like you are better off without your louse of a spouse. He doesn't sound like a good man and you don't need that stress in your life.

[rubberlegs]

If it were my dw and she rode with me and the gang in the past but is having a hard time riding now. I'd probally look into modifying a bike for her or asking her to help with driving the support van or cooking or something to keep in with the family and friends and gettting out and having fun. the gang might even take a easy trail to support having her along i know our friends would include her, if her skills changed as long as she was wanted to play.

[drgnlny]

Had similar issue

Not long after I was dx'd with MS I started to lose the ability to do things I really enjoyed and that my bf and I did together. Skiing, bike riding, etc.

At first, it was very hard for me to cope with my own feelings over the loss of my abilities. And it was hard for me to accept his need to still go do those things even though I couldn't. I am MUCH more level headed now but it's been 7yrs and LOTS of totally honest/open conversations between us. Plus just having the time to go through the process of accepting what is happening to me and the changes in my life and what I can/can't do. And finding my place and my value in the people's lives that I care about. I'm STILL processing some of these things to some extent or another.

But at first, when I was smack dab in the first stages of having my entire life turned upside down - it was very emotional for me in general. I wanted soooo badly to do those things still and I couldn't. And when my bf wanted to go do those things knowing I couldn't - it did cause problems at first. Because of how I reacted. I'm pretty sure it was similar to your wife.

Unfortunately, I was so absorbed in trying to deal with it all and feeling like nothing was within my control - I was very self absorbed at the time. It was difficult for me to see beyond what I was going through. And it took time and a lot of talking through things to finally pull through it. For me, I'd say that initial process took about two years. No one can really put a timeline on it, though. Some might process things easier and quicker and in a much short time. Others may take a lot longer. And I think it also depends on the degree of your situation, the support you have and what release outlets you have, if any.

For me - those were my release outlets and my fun times and something my bf and I had in common. So when they were taken away - which is what it felt like - at first I felt like I had nothing else. It took me awhile to find other areas of release, other things I enjoyed and other ways for my bf and I to bond and have things we could still do together.

Looking back I realized what upset me the most was feeling left out and left behind. Even more so, I feared that maybe he wouldn't want me anymore or would find someone else who could do those things with him. And there was definitely a sense of envy, but not really jealousy, that he could still go do those things when I couldn't.

I felt threatened by it. I wanted to feel like I was more valuable to him than going and doing those things. But again, I was also still in the throws of trying to comprehend and sort through ALL of the changes in my life. Situations like that just brought my fears to the surface.

Completely understandably - my bf was very upset and frustrated by my reactions. He didn't care for me any less and he wasn't trying to leave me behind. But he did still have the need and ability to go and do things and deserved to have that time. And he wasn't going and doing these things left and right. But my perception at the time couldn't recognize that.

One thing he did was try to find ways of including me when possible. Like skiing - even though I couldn't actually go ski with him, he would ask me to come along and offer to ski half day. We could drive up together, I could hang out at the lodge with a book or my computer while he did his thing. And then we could spend the rest of the day together site seeing or have lunch and drive back. It was his way of trying to find a way for me to still be a part of what he was doing.

Counseling, if not already something you two are doing, could be very helpful. Whether it's individual or as a couple or both. And even if your wife isn't open to it yet, maybe it could help you to sort through what you are going through. ?? I know it sounds like such a generic suggestion but for me, I've found that the only way I've been able to really find my way 'through' - not avoid it, or sweep it under the rug, etc. - is to be able to talk about it.

Ultimately, it's best when you two can talk honestly and openly to one another and allow eachother to feel whatever it is you feel but doing so in a safe and respectful way. It's not easy but if you can get there, it will open a whole new world.

There isn't really a quick fix for these things, it's almost always a work in progress. Something that is ongoing and everchanging. Which is why being able to talk honestly and work through it as it comes up is so valuable.

I can only imagine what it's like to go through what you do. It's not easy by any means. Unfortunately, this disease really impacts more than just the person who has it - it affects those who care about them and for them. And each situation is unique so there's no clear cut path on how to handle it. We all just do the best that we can and take it day by day.

I don't know how helpful this was. Maybe if anything, just to say you're not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[EBP]

I vote that she is jealous

My dh was invited to go golfing, but he turned it down because I can't handle the heat. We bought a little stool I carry with me and I keep score while they golf. I sit and watch when/if I need to. If it is too hot, I don't go and I meet them later and have dinner and drinks. Can't you and your wife work something out like that? Marriage is about compromises, with or without MS.