Have you ever asked a stranger

[jessiesmom]

Asking a Stranger

I would never even consider asking a complete stranger about the cause/nature of their disability. I think that is the absolute height of rudeness and completely indefensible. I would be flabbergasted and offended if a stranger made such a comment to me. I am astounded that someone could think making a comment on another person's physical issues is in any way appropriate.

[502E79]

Thank you to all for the input.

Pre-MS, I barely noticed a person's cane or WC and a passing word with a stranger was usually weather related. Not curious at all. Oblivious really.

No longer apparently, when I said "thisclose" (to a question) I surprised even myself.

I think it depends on circumstances like many stated. Mine are such lately that I could inquire politely and even deal with (and understand) an abrupt response. But somehow I don't think the negative response would be forthcoming. Could be wrong. Some are disposed to the negative period, with others facing that "bad day / week" we all experience.

This lead me to wonder if I've turned a corner, am I now ready to really meet someone with MS. Never have.

Speaking to you here at MSW anonymously allows for the vent or the whine, the angst or the question. To join in or stand aside from the topic.

Maybe what inspired me to almost speak face to face with a comrad in arms was to develop a friendship.

But MS as a steady topic with someone could be too much to handle in person....?


Jer

[kikiblue]

I hve no physical signs of MS. While I have never asked anyone about their disability I sure have been asked what the h** is wrong with me that I need a handicapped parking space. If they are really rude I tell them I have an incurable disease that radiates pain all through my body, especially my feet and that I will likely die of it.

[Jenks]

I'm in the no one knows it visible category . but the visibilities creep up in subtle ways. I get the "ohhhh are you limping?" - I hate that one. I feel like saying "yeah, dummy" No duhhhh
I always feel like I have to explain it and I don't have a good response. I just ignore it usually or come up with the "Yeah I'm getting older" excuse (im 38 )

I also get these sharp pains in my hands and they shake and someone will comment on "You must've had too much caffeine" - haha there's not enough caffeine in the world to wake me up in the afternoon.

[Scooter24]

Just so you understand the guy I asked if he had ms was wearing an orange bracelet as I do also and I commented on it and I had seen him a few times previously and he has severe footdrop. I did not walk up to a complete stranger and ask what is your problem.

I personally have no problem with someone asking me as we need to make more people aware of MS, I have volunteered at different MS events and usually get a t shirt when I do and wear them often and get asked about MS alot, my family all wear the bracelets, my brother has a very good freind who has MS but he never knew he had it until he started wearing the bracelet and his freind asked him who he knew with MS.

[Blessings2You]

Interesting question. Although I'm not particularly bold or outgoing, I have no problem "making friends" in grocery stores, etc.

Inquiring as to the nature of a stranger's disability, however, would be way beyond what I consider polite. On the other hand, I might maneuver the conversation to offer an opening the person could either take or ignore.

For example, if I were exchanging chitchat with a stranger who also used a cane, I might say "I started using a cane after being diagnosed with MS, but I'm still not really used to it" or "I never thought I'd need a handicap placard until I was diagnosed with MS."

[Tawanda]

When I was first diagnosed, I notice about a billion more people walking with some kind of assistance (W/C/, cane, obviously slow and limping, etc.) than I ever did in the past. Naturally, I assumed they all had M.S.!

I saw a fellow YMCA member who always came in ona quad-cane and told her all about my M.S. and waited to hear her M.S. story. Well, she said pretty much NOTHING , and she has never made eye-contact with me ever since. She probably didn't have M.S., or if she did have M.S., she didn't feel like telling me. After 7 years or so of seeing her at the Y, I decided that whether she has M.S. or not, she is a miserable human that I don't need to get to know.

I guess I learned 2 lessons...don't assume everyone needing walking assistance has M.S., and don't assume that because someone has M.S., that they are "long-lost friends"!

[jessiesmom]

To Tawanda

Because the woman chose not to share her personal medical history with you "she is a miserable human" that you don't need to get to know? Hmmmm.......

[Luv2Worship]

I always answer children's questions - they're usually about my power chair, and I can truthfully give them a positive response about how much fun it is to zip around town in it. Better they grow up thinking a disability doesn't have to be the end of the world...

My dad has CP & although I knew he was different than other dads, he was such an amazing example of someone not letting their disability define who they were. Ok, so there were some things he couldn't do like run, jump rope or play sports with us, he really was active. He worked full time for many years, was always volunteering at church, he even did the yard work.

Looking back, I realized how hard he worked to educate people about his illness but at the same time bring it into the light to help take away the stigma. I think its so important to let children know that just because someone may have to have assistance walking or have to use a wheel chair, we are still people like them & want to be able to participate in life!

The first time I had to use my scooter at a church function I felt weird around the adults but the kids were full of questions so I would explain to them why I had to use it & give them rides. Now I am the most popular adult at these functions & I hear the kids explaining to other kids in a very thoughtful way, why I need it!! So cool!!!

[palmtree]

I've never asked anyone. But I feel so embarrassed when I stare at someone, wondering if they feel like me.

It would feel great if I could get up the courage and find a way to ask that would be welcome. I do meet a lot of people in the handicapped parking area. I sense a comraderie.

Once a checker teased me that I must be putting rum in the grapefruit juice I was buying. I said, "of course not", and he looked at me like he didn't believe me. That really hurt. I don't drink. I know my gait is not steady and my hands shake and that made me realize that my symptoms are noticeable.

If someone with MS asked me if I had it, I would be thrilled. This is a very good question. No one knows how to treat a disabled person--not even a disabled person.

[Tawanda]

You are on point, Jessie's Mom!

Because the woman chose not to share her personal medical history with you "she is a miserable human" that you don't need to get to know? Hmmmm.......

You must be into psychology! You have caught my false bravado! I got my feelings totally hurt when I was new to my diagnosis, vulnerable and desperate to connect to someone else going through the same thing. In hindsight, I probably came across like a blathering idiot! Next time, I'll start a conversation about the weather or something. Perhaps she is a wonderful person!!

TAWANDA
p.s. I made plenty of rooky mistakes that first year of diagnosis...I won't even get into it! Isn't there an "embarassed" icon on here somewhere???

[502E79]

No one knows how to treat a disabled person--not even a disabled person.

Yes.

Learning more from you and others helps.

Regarding a few responses; I would certainly be polite and open and diplomatic in approaching a stranger about their disability. More so now that you all have shared your insights.

Open also to the possibility of their disability being something other than MS. Would probably initiate conversation with "I have MS and well... may I ask you about the cane / wc / etc. etc..."

Thanks again for your insight palmtree.

Jer

[Windwalker]

Well, she said pretty much NOTHING , and she has never made eye-contact with me ever since. She probably didn't have M.S., or if she did have M.S., she didn't feel like telling me. After 7 years or so of seeing her at the Y, I decided that whether she has M.S. or not, she is a miserable human that I don't need to get to know.

Amen...tell it girl!