MS and suicide

[LOST ANGEL]

This thread is very timely, given the fact that I have been on the edge lately. It's very easy to give advise, heaven knows I can pontificate with the best of them. I can solve all of anybody else's problems, but I can't do squat for myself!

This time of year really sucks for me. Hate the thought of winter, and I totally can not stand the holidays. I'm a solo act, not by choice, my life changed for the worse six years ago, and the stupid MS is only a part of the mess.

I don't know why I'm whining to others about my problems, but I just wanted to say I can relate to other's feelings of desperation. I really, really don't want to play this game anymore!

MIKE

[choco]

Mike, I too fly solo, I too loathe the winter and I too detest the holidays and am VERY tired of struggling everyday - and every day, without exception is a struggle.

So what are we to do? We have to keep on keeping on for as long as we can until the time comes where we can no longer. But until then we have each other and fellow MSW peeps to share our struggles with. Hang in there kiddo..

[Devilinside]

You have no idea how many people you affect

My dad shot himself 5 years ago come January 15. I struggle more with it now than I did when it happened. He had major health issues and was a prescription pain meds addict. I know he felt like a drain on his family, and had no friends left....but at his funeral they were waiting in line outside the door in the snow to pay their last respects. Friends and co-workers he hadn't seen for years came. I was floored and saddened when I realized that he had no idea the impact he made on people in his life. My son was 17 days old when he took his own life....but my heart went out to my grandparents who had to bury their first born son to death at his own hands. No parent should EVER have to bury a child....no matter how old they are. Just remember, you can't have any idea of the effect you've left on people and how taking your own life will affect them. I will never get answers to the questions I will always have......nor any closure.

I am NOT a beleiver in the saying "time heals all wounds". That is CRAP. Time doesn't heal, you just find new ways to adapt and deal with it. The pain never goes away.

My dad shot himself 5 years ago come January 15. I struggle more with it now than I did when it happened. He had major health issues and was a prescription pain meds addict. I know he felt like a drain on his family, and had no friends left....but at his funeral they were waiting in line outside the door in the snow to pay their last respects. Friends and co-workers he hadn't seen for years came. I was floored and saddened when I realized that he had no idea the impact he made on people in his life. My son was 17 days old when he took his own life....but my heart went out to my grandparents who had to bury their first born son to death at his own hands. No parent should EVER have to bury a child....no matter how old they are. Just remember, you can't have any idea of the effect you've left on people and how taking your own life will affect them. I will never get answers to the questions I will always have......nor any closure.

I am NOT a beleiver in the saying "time heals all wounds". That is CRAP. Time doesn't heal, you just find new ways to adapt and deal with it. The pain never goes away.

So you're saying people should continue to drag on in an existence they don't want because somebody might get upset? I'm sorry, but that sounds like an extremely selfish point of view to me.

[SNOOPY]

So you're saying people should continue to drag on in an existence they don't want because somebody might get upset? I'm sorry, but that sounds like an extremely selfish point of view to me.

Some would say the person who committed suicide was the one being selfish. If you listen with an open heart and mind to those that have lost a loved, a friend to suicide you will see and hear how devastating suicide can.

Friends and family anguish over how they may have been able to help. Questions of why with no answers and the "if onlys" are thought.

The person who commits suicide, for whatever reason, believes it's the only choice left. Anyway you want to spin this topic it is very tragic and painful for all involved.

Compassion and understanding are needed for all. This is not just about MS.

[orionforstar]

Timely Topic

I was just diagnosed two months ago. My life has been turned around. I keep telling myself that things will get better. They just seem to get worse though. My medical leave from work is almost over and trying for disability is not an option.
I am on antidepressants and am seeing a therapist. It's just that I feel the effects of the MS every day. I feel like my life is over. I've tried talking to my husband, but he doesn't get it. He told me last night that all we ever talk about is my MS.
Honestly, the reason I haven't ended it yet is I have a six year old daughter who needs her mommy no matter how sick I am. I don't want to do it to her or my husband. I have no joy in my life and am living for them. I hope this changes, but I don't see anything changing.

[Devilinside]

Thank you snoopy. I wasn't passing judgement (or at least didn't mean to come off that way), I was just giving a perspective from someone who was directly affected by suicide.

If I'm being selfish, so be it. No I didn't want my dad to suffer for years on end, but d@mmit. I want my dad here and now I have to explain to my son one day why he will never know is grandpa......and the tragic way his life ended.
That is more selfish than I could ever be in my opinion.

[LOST ANGEL]

Thank you snoopy. I wasn't passing judgment (or at least didn't mean to come off that way), I was just giving a perspective from someone who was directly affected by suicide.

If I'm being selfish, so be it. No I didn't want my dad to suffer for years on end, but d@mmit. I want my dad here and now I have to explain to my son one day why he will never know is grandpa......and the tragic way his life ended.
That is more selfish than I could ever be in my opinion.

Wow, what a kick in the teeth! I recently went to the wake of a friend that took his own life, and I was ready to make a comment that I know how he felt, and all that other crap. But another friend spoke up saying it was selfish of him to do this to those left behind.

That is something I had never considered. I am really sick of this life as it has become in the last few years, but my mother is still kicking butt at 83 years old, and I know if I did something stupid, it would just devastate her! She has been through too much already, and I couldn't do that to her.

I guess there are two ways to look at this situation of suicide, I just don't know where to turn. Every body always gives me that " talk about it" bull, but I'm talked out. I miss having someone close that I can confide in. The biggest problem lately is talking to the biggest know it all idiot around.......me!!

Oh well, back to the regularly scheduled program.

MIKE

[Tawanda]

the reason I haven't ended it yet is I have a six year old daughter who needs her mommy no matter how sick I am. I don't want to do it to her or my husband.

My DD is my only joy in life, but that is a HUGE. I lost my mother when I was 8 and my life was never even close to normal after that. Every year with my DD is a gift, especially now that she has passed the age I was when I lost my mother. Try to ignore DHs comments and concentrate on being a mother. He's already been raised!

[SNOOPY]

I guess there are two ways to look at this situation of suicide, I just don't know where to turn. Every body always gives me that " talk about it" bull, but I'm talked out.

LOST ANGEL,

Where to turn is to the Mental Health Profession.

A Psychiatrist to prescribe medications that can help you feel better mentally so you can hopefully better deal with life.

A Psychotherapist to help change your thought processes to hopefully find a more positive way of thinking.

There are also self-help books. A very good book is The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns, M.D.

I know you feel talking about it is bull and you may not want to here it but "talk therapy" does help. There are two kinds, Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

If you or anyone reading this thread wants to make changes you have to take the first step and ask for help. No one can do it for you.

Cognitive behavior therapy:
http://psychology.about.com/od/psychotherapy/a/cbt.htm

Dialectical behavior therapy:
http://bpd.about.com/od/treatments/a/IntroDBT.htm

[SNOOPY]

Thank you snoopy. I wasn't passing judgement (or at least didn't mean to come off that way), I was just giving a perspective from someone who was directly affected by suicide.

Your welcome, Devilinside.

I am so very sorry about your dad, it must be so difficult for you I know you were not passing judgement

[Devilinside]

Thank you snoopy. I appreciate the kinds words. It is very difficult to deal with, but like my MS, I tell myself there is always someone out there who has is alot worse than I do. I always remind myself that tomorrow is a new day.

[tommylee]

I am NOT a beleiver in the saying "time heals all wounds". That is CRAP. Time doesn't heal, you just find new ways to adapt and deal with it. The pain never goes away.

Exactly!!!!
Nobody ever "gets over" serious pain and loss. We just get used to living with the pain.

[empirerecs]

a few days late to the game

I just read this post. I'm pretty sure I feel all of what you have posted. I've been in "talk" therapy since 92. I still have the same issues, many, many therapists, same issues. Some are better now, but still there. Some are much worse. Taken all meds out there and just this past summer was probably finally dx correctly as bipolar. Am on some meds that seem to take the edge off. I don't get manic. But the lows are so very low.

I have cats, have always had at least 2. They literally keep me alive. I would worry too much about what would happen to them if I were to die. That was a few years ago, I didn't really care too much about the ex or the "friends" and my immediate family probably wouldn't realize it. But I found my biological dad and stepmom - now I couldn't hurt them by hurting myself.

I do think it's selfish, even though I considered it. When the docs ask if I'm suicidal I say I'm not, I couldn't do it to myself, yet, but I sure wouldn't mind getting hit by a bus. Eventually, I will get to that point where I just can't take it, I can't be old and I can't be helpless, I don't have anyone around who would care enough to see that I was being taken care of.

But with me, MS didn't make it worse, I've always been this way. I still haven't decided how I feel about the MS - it's been about 4 years since dx and a year since I lost my job and the sx's hit heavy. I'm on disability now, freaking out about money. Don't have insurance after this week and medicare doesn't kick in for about 15 months, what the hell will happen between now and then? I have to see an ortho for my shoulder tomorrow - who knows?!

I can spout off very articulate and knowledgable things about congnitive therapy, behaviorial therapy, medications, etc. I can tell the next guy all the good things about it and how finding the right therapist can rock your world but that's "my face" - I think we all have a face for every situation.

I'm not really sure what my point is to all of this, except I know how everyone on this post feels. I know the good thoughts, the right things to say, the phone numbers, the answers, the hell and the in between, yet I still don't know how to figure it out for ME. I'm a great listener, I will tell you the God's honest truth about what you need to do and who you should see but am I going to do that for me? For now, yes, I guess, I hope.

Long post, probably didn't make any sense but it's been a very hard week and this was the place that suited my "vent"

I don't want anyone to take their lives, it's not worth it, you will miss soooo much. I know the pain sucks and it's no doubt going to get worse, but if there is a little thing out there that makes you smile it's worth it for one more day - I say this because my big sweet cat is sitting on my desk purring his heart out - I'd hate to miss that tomorrow.

[Thinkimjob]

I think if suicide comes seemingly out of the blue, it is utterly heartbreaking. But, if the reason 'why' is fairly obvious, surely that's less of a shock. Maybe euthanasia, or a planned suicide is better.
No shock for the loved ones in the know etc.
Is watching someone suffer and die by pieces worse for those who love them, than having them take their own life?
I'm no fan of euthanasia, mainly because there's a date and a time, and a doctor. Had enough of doctors.
I don't want to die, but I don't want my family to spend years looking after me either. The thought of complete incapacitation and dependency terrifies me.
Everyone who loves us just wants us to be cured, healed and back to normal. That's what we want, too.
Until that can happen, I'm afraid all bets are off, in my case.
And yes, I am depressed, but worsening MS is a bloody good reason to be depressed.
Sorry, I really don't feel that bad at present, but I don't like to think about the future.