MS and suicide

[choco]

When the day comes when I check out it won't be because I'm depressed or forlorn or sad, even though I might be all those things at the time, they will not be the deciding factors behind my decision. *

Rather it will be because quite simply I've had enough, enough of struggling, enough of not having *a life, enough of feeling diminished as a human being, enough of being a spectator of life and not an active participant, enough of existing rather than living, enough of the humiliation, enough of feeling a freak of human nature...just enough of existing from day to day. *

The only thing I have to look forward to is things getting worst. *So, for me it will have been a thought out, calculated and planned decision and one made from thought rather than emotion.

[billiejeane]

juliebrush:









Julie, you aren't handling anything, you are falling apart on the inside. It's what's going on inside that counts, not what everyone else sees. The core of who you are on the inside is what is important not what strangers or even family/friends see on the outside.

It's not your job that is stealing your life it is this disease but it can be easier to blame other things, such as a job, for problems created by having a chronic disease.

As a nurse I know you are aware of the problems overuse of a drug like Nuvigil can cause. At this point, it doesn't sound like Nuvigil is helping but might be causing more problems for you.

You had mentioned at one time you were taking an anti-depressant. By reading your posts and the parts I have quoted it doesn't sound like the AD is helping any longer. ADs can stop working.

The right anti-depressant in combination with a good therapist can make a difference between life and death, happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow. Psychotherapy is not a quick fix but a process that can take time.

There are resources available for those who are low income/no income.

Take care

snoopy,your right. It's the ms. guess i dont want to admit it. I t really is isn't it? how? And I just had a total cog fog morning and I am afraid I brain damaged myself from my 2 weeks of overtaking nuvigil. I no longer am overtaking it and wow,the cog fog is bad. Did i cause myself brain damage,like people that huff glue? And yeah,i agree,need a new AD. I will say this,between work and trying to keep it together,the energy to go to yet another md sounds sooooooooo tiring. I told you guys this before,when i got my ms dx,of course it didnt sink in,than my mom died tragically and suddenly 2 months later,and i went rite back to work,didnt even go through the stages of grief of her death let alone the grief of ms. well,now i accept my mothers death,and having a hard time with the ms. or maybe both,i dont know. What do u think i should do? i have contacted a therapist,force myself to exercise and work well,oof. help. i really need help.

[lynnepynne]

And yeah,i agree,need a new AD

i have contacted a therapist

help. i really need help

bravo Juliebrush. I am soo relieved to hear you say this.
I have been lurking in this thread afraid to say anything, there have been so many really good folks with really good advice. But honestly, I am terrified for you.
yes, you are in a bad place. For so many really really terrible things are happening and it just seems to. not. let. up.


Not about a chronic illness, but because of abuse as a child. I was in a very dark place and I didn't care anymore. I wanted it to end. I saw no options. I saw no sunshine or beauty. I saw no future for myself in the world. This was 20 years ago. I was 19 years old. I had no idea that I would someday be happy again, love life and see it as a precious gift. (even though things can really suck)
Nobody could have told me this then. I wouldn't have believed them.

It sounds like you are already opening up to the smallest possibility that things can get better. You dont have to believe it right now, you dont have to have a vision for it. You dont have to even try to imagine what it feels like. Just stay open up that possibility.

Yes! Talk to your doctor, talk to a professional, or talk to your man and Get New Meds -but stay here! Please, risk staying here to find out.
I did, I found out I am much tougher than I thought, and much tougher than I wanted to be at the time. But I am so glad now no matter what crapola gets thrown in my path I can still see the beauty and meaning in my life.


Please take care,
Lynne

[maximumlite]

Good for you Julie,
I'm so happy to hear you say that you are going for help, I would hate to see anyone go through what I did as it was horrible. Stay at it and good luck

[billiejeane]

Yeah,we will see. I dunno. I think I may be a hopeless head case and I am just gna keep trucking along,see a therapist 1 x weekly,take a yoga class when i dont feel like hell,and all the other things i used to love. I was just around sum really carefree people,and i left there house feeling more hopeless and like more of a misfit than i ever have! oof. thanks guys.

[billiejeane]

hey guys,a few more things. Should ask to go to a neuroshrink or just a shrink for my medication issues? And do i tell my neuro?

[mtnwillow]

See whatever professional is available to you. Ideally someone who specializes in neurological problems, but a board certified counselor is okay too.

I am married to one of those, a counselor, I mean. Unfortunately he saw so many cases for free we could no longer maintain the office. Now he teaches at the local college and still see's a few referred cases.
I hope things iron out for you and get a bit easier real soon.

Thanks again to all who posted information as well as the links to good reads. I like the concept of continual lose of function as related to MS.

[Thinkimjob]

Juliebrush, I know exactly where you're coming from.
Work is making me sicker, but I have to work. If I quit, I don't think I'll ever get another job.
I'm exhausted, I should give up work, and take up a proper exercise, ot program, but what is the point?
It's at best prolonging the inevitable.
I cry whenever I think about it. (yes, it's all about me for a minute.)
I don't have the energy to get the dsp, and I don't want to tell my family how bad it is, or they will just completely take over my life.
And I know they are going to have to, and I just want to cling to some independence for just a little bit longer.
Just a little bit longer. I'm 41. Is that too much to ask?
Choco, I agree.

[Sequoia]

hey guys,a few more things. Should ask to go to a neuroshrink or just a shrink for my medication issues? And do i tell my neuro?

Counselors (licensed social workers) and psychologists can't prescribe medications, at least in my state. They will tell you to ask your PCP for a script, or will refer you to a prescribing psychiatrist (MD) for a consultation about what med is best for you.

The latter course is best, IMO, because prescribing psychiatrists know a great deal more about ADs than the average PCP.

You will then return to your counselor or psychologist for ongoing talk therapy.

I wish you all the good luck in the world!

[SNOOPY]

I dunno. I think I may be a hopeless head case and I am just gna keep trucking along,see a therapist 1 x weekly,

No Julie, you are not a hopeless case

I am very glad you are seeking help. Best wishes.

[billiejeane]

Juliebrush, I know exactly where you're coming from.
Work is making me sicker, but I have to work. If I quit, I don't think I'll ever get another job.
I'm exhausted, I should give up work, and take up a proper exercise, ot program, but what is the point?
It's at best prolonging the inevitable.
I cry whenever I think about it. (yes, it's all about me for a minute.)
I don't have the energy to get the dsp, and I don't want to tell my family how bad it is, or they will just completely take over my life.
And I know they are going to have to, and I just want to cling to some independence for just a little bit longer.
Just a little bit longer. I'm 41. Is that too much to ask?
Choco, I agree.

I know rite? i am 42 and feel and feel this unrealistic sence of entitlement d/t being a nurse for so long. Like the $^%^ing government should just hand me ssdi. but,notice i said unrealistic. And my father cant even say the word ms,but,today,he came to visit and i read him the thingy that was put up on here bout out sx's.After my mom died,i didnt feel he needed to be bothered(the man couldnt even make it in the church for the funeral)he reminds me of the GRAN TORINO. So i read it,his face got beat red,and he left to get air. But he needed to know rite? I have a fiance that travels alot and my mommy is gone and i have no kids and he is my only family. what was my point? cog fog! i forgot what i was even replying to. anyway,umm,yeah,42,im not asking for much!

[Tawanda]

why ms has a higher rate of suicide/depression because it is a chronic disease of "continual loss"....its not like being able to walk independently and then having to use a walker 1x, going through the 7 stages of grief over having to use a walker, then move on with life after getting used to the walker, its then having to restart the 7 stages of grief when it becomes a w/c...ect.

maybe the other way to look at it is its a non fatal illness that allows a person to live through continual loss, often repeating the loss through the RR nature of ms, it takes a strong person to live with continual loss over & over without getting depressed and creating some to suicidal thoughts to escape the continual loss and 7 stages of grieving over & over.

that article made sense of why depression was higher in MS than normal population and even compared to other chronic illness. ms was higher for depression.

Interesting stuff, and of course, although we may never go through any of these stages with M.S. (i.e., a cane, a W/C, bedridden, a nursing-home), you can't help but THINK about it, and heck, that alone is depressing-in fact, the entire uncertainty of this disease can really throw you into a tailspin!

Thanks for this information. As one who lives with M.S., I really understand what is being said here. M.S. STILL gets my vote for WORST DISEASE EVER for good reason!!

[Tawanda]

I told my husband about this thread and he freaked out. Thought I was considering it. I'm bipolar, mostly major depressive, and the one thing that has kept me from committing suicide in the past is I don't want someone to have to tell my kids why I voluntarily took my own life. DH knows that may not hold true for the next 40 years, though, if my disability gets too great and the kids are adults, etc. He came to me last night and told me if I ever get to "that place", we would talk about it.

I secretly wanted to leave this thread on the computer so my husband would "accidentally" stumble across it, but MSW is a topic of contention between us because he is in denial about this disease and I am obsessed with it. It is what it is.

My Sister In Law also has M.S., and I remember saying that I am going to fight this disease for the sake of my child. My M.S. SIL and brother never had children, so this comment was deeply offensive to her...and rightfully so! We are all worthy of the best possible life no matter what our situation.

Having said that, I worry that with the way M.S. runs in my family (my mother had it), that there is always a chance that my daughter may find herself getting diagnosed with this stupid disease one day. This really makes me want to stay in the game because she will use me as a guide whether I am still around or not. Unfortunately, that puts a lot of pressure on me to be possitive, fight this battle with everything I got, and unless I want her to do the same thing, I best not even contemplate the S word. I love her too much, and am still working on the part where I love myself and my life too much to want to leave it.

When the day comes when I check out it won't be because I'm depressed or forlorn or sad, even though I might be all those things at the time, they will not be the deciding factors behind my decision. *

Rather it will be because quite simply I've had enough, enough of struggling, enough of not having *a life, enough of feeling diminished as a human being, enough of being a spectator of life and not an active participant, enough of existing rather than living, enough of the humiliation, enough of feeling a freak of human nature...just enough of existing from day to day. *

The only thing I have to look forward to is things getting worst. *So, for me it will have been a thought out, calculated and planned decision and one made from thought rather than emotion.

Very eloquent. I agree I will go when I'm good and ready and it will never be from a place of depression in the least. It won't be any time soon though, I still have kids in the house, and is like to see at least one grandchild first.

[Tawanda]

Good topic

Can talking to someone pay my bills because I took 2weeks of fmla off to take care of me,only to return to work this past monday,as a nurse,no less,and here I am wiped from caring for others,in bed,cant do the things I want,account overdrawn,cant pay my car payment...and i need to add,i live so simply it would floor most of u. What makes me happy,is surfing,kayaking,yoga....but,i am a servant to the sick,and end of week,im sick,broke,angry,hopeless,yeah,suicidal. So,what is talking to somone gonna do. i feel this depression is situational with a huge dash of the ms depression sprinkled on it.

Hey JulieBrush,
I was worried you would take a lot of heat for your response to "talk therapy", but after reading further into this thread, it sounds like you got a lot of interesting, thoughtful responses as opposed to unconctructive criticism. Yea, Board!

Money is such a huge factor when it comes to this disease as you point out. Definately a big factor in feeling overwhelmingly depressed.

Before reading this post tonight I was thinking today about how would my life with M.S. be if I was well off financially. Well, I know that will never happen unless I win the Lotto (and I don't even play the Lotto so that won't happen) that I just decided to discontinue that little fantasy. However, there are "rich" people out there with M.S. - Montel Williams, for example - and all the money in the world won't buy you your health back.

So I guess we just have to figure out our own path. Whether we choose "talking" to others, figuring things out by ourselves, or some sort of combination, it is a highly individual decision. The only thing I would add here is that if whatever it is that you're doing isn't working, TRY SOMETHING ELSE! I would hate to have someone "give up" when there is just some small tweek around the corner that could make just enough of a difference to get you on the path to a *happier* if not perfect, life.