She just left...Very depressed please read

[MandaPanda2888]

I feel so broken. Im so depressed. I havent been on here in a long time because I am a little too opinionated but at this point I dont know where to turn. The girl I was madly in love with left almost 3 weeks ago. We have had this thing going on between us for 6 years but every time I want a relationship shes always not ready or into someone else and I always end up hurt. This particular time started up 3 years ago. We started talking again after not speaking for some time and she told me she loved me and needed me and wanted to be with me. I almost agreed but I was with someone else and I was having a hard time telling them. I also was worried she would hurt me.

SHE PROMISED me she wouldnt and that no matter what we would make this work. I ended up getting pregnant and SHE STILL wanted me to leave him and be with her. I decided to try and raise the baby with his dad. That didnt work out because I just wasnt in love with him. Her and I started talking again a year ago this thanksgiving. We were both dating other people. I was still with my sons father and she had a gf of 2 years. She still wanted me. Saying she LOVED ME so much and she was different then when we were kids 6 years before and that she would stay with me no matter what and that she even wanted to "marry" me because she couldnt live without me. We both decided we would wait until after christmas and then break up with them. We did that. Mind you she was in texas and i was in Indiana and we hadnt seen each other in like 3 years.

I went to Texas in feb to visit with my son we had a wonderful time and I instantly fell right back in love with her. She wanted to be with me I wanted to be with her. WE did it. She had to stay in Texas for three months and I had to return with my son to Indiana. We decided she would move here. In June that happened. She moved here. I had a lot going on. My sons Father was pissed. He is mentally ill. He stalked me harassed me and did the same to her. He wanted us to break up thats obvious. 2 days after her moving here I was diagnosed with MS. Then my sons dad refused to return my son right after I got back as well.

Finally I filed something against him in court and got my son back. He still sees him every weekend. He was a constant source of stress. While all this is happening I feltlike poop. My MS was really affecting me and finally after struggling with different meds I decided to go Holistic in September. I started physically feeling better. I still was depressed and dealing with a lot of stress from my sons father. my gf and I just werent happy. She decided she wanted to leave. I didnt want her to go. I felt like she was abandoning me in my time of need. Im very in love with her. So I asked her if we could make a plan for me to move back to Texas(under court approval id have to get first) and be together when I got there and try this in a place we are both happier in.

She said yes. Of course once she got back....I got one I love you text then NOTHING but excuses as to why she cant talk. FINALLY about a week ago I just confronted her and asked her what was going on. She said I do love you but I havent wanted "this" for a long time(mind you weve been together 7 months and only lived together for four). You know that. I said what does that even mean? She says Ill still help you get an apartment and stuff so dont worry. I sent a bunch of texts over about 4 hours asking her why she was doing this why she wouldnt answer me and finally she says What do you want? You already knew before that I wasnt happy. We dont get along. Chill out so I can still help you get an apt if you act crazy and **** then I wont.

I replied with a bnch of things that she never responded to. I finally wrote her an email telling her some things about my ex that had developed that same day and asking her if when I get there we could just take it slow and she respnded with saying that my ex sounded like he was back to his normal self and that I needed to tell my attorney and that as for the rest we would see how that goes. I told her about some mail she had she told me to open it I told her what it was the end. I texted her for 3 days with no responce. Asking her why she was being so cold to me. and ignoring me. then finally on Friday I get a text back saying her cat is peeing blood like our other cat that I kept did.

I said nothing at all and that was the last communication between us. I refuse to contact her now unless she says something meanwhile first. I am SOO devestated I dont even know what to do. I cant just call her she has a trach and doesnt speak over a whisper so it wouldnt do any good and she probably wouldnt answer if she did have a voice. the part that hurts the very most is that someone who claimed to be so in love with me and initiated this entire relationship that I turned my world upside down to make possible can just stop talking to me and act so freaking cold towards me.

I found some clothes that she left and they still smell just like her and little peices of her keep popping up everywhere. I dont know what to do. I am so hurt by this. I am so depressed. Sometimes I wish I could just die in my sleep but I know my son needs me and I would never take my own life. I just have never felt so sad before. I miss her and I love her so much and I feel like I dont know how to live without her. On top of all that I doubt shes going to help me find an apartment so now its all me. I have court december 5th I broke my phone screen the other day I havent been able to sleep except on the days my son isnt here and i just stay in bed and dont leave. I cant get over this or past this. I dont know what to do. I dont feel like she left me because of my MS I just didnt know where else to go.

I am so broken over this Ive never in my life felt like this. I always wish she was still here and I could wrap my arms around her...or snuggle her in the middle of the night or just have a conversation with her. I keep wishing and hoping that shell just show back up at my door but I know she wont. or text me like she used to and say she loves me so much and shes so sorry. but I know she wont. This is absolutely the worst thing thats ever happened. My life is falling apart. She promised she wouldnt hurt me yet here I am broken to little peices. Ive been trying to be tough but its not working very well. its true what they say its hard to sleep with a broken heart.

** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **

[Alicious]

I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.

Here's the thing--no matter how much you love someone, you can't make them love you. You can easily become infatuated with someone, but real, deep, abiding love doesn't happen instantly, and for whatever reasons, it sounds like she's moving on. You need to find a way to move on too. Never being ready for a relationship with you numerous times over the course of years is a huge red flag. It hurts terribly, but she's not the one for you. Every time you get close, she runs. This will never change.

No one can promise not to hurt you. Rather, it's not a fair promise to make. Life changes, we change, and sometimes hurts happen. It sounds like she has been hot and cold with you for years. I can't speak to your side of things, but it sounds like she enjoys having you want her and the thrill of being desired, but not the actual relationship. She doesn't want to be in a mutually loving relationship; she wants to be wanted, and sadly, those are very different things. When you get close she runs, you pursue, she ignores, and it's a heap of drama all over again. It doesn't sound like either of you are able to have real, honest, respectful communication about your relationship--you're making demands, she's ignoring you and calling you names--another red flag.

I know you want more than she's offering, more than it sounds like she'll ever be able to offer, but you need to let her go. Maybe a few sessions with a counselor to talk about this, your MS, the issues with your son's father, etc. would be a good idea. I see so much in your post of wanting to find a way to patch things up, but as you've written it, it doesn't sound like there is actually anything on her end to patch.

Hang in there--broken hearts do mend. It takes time and lots of it, but they do heal. Also, my post is entirely based on what you've written; I know there is always so much more than what can be contained in a post.