Husband said 'not attracted to me anymore'.....

[LisaL77]

He is such a dork. He met with his attorney who told him he would have to pay me $1,000 - $2,000 per month for 3.5 years as alimony maintenance. Then when I came home he looked really down. I asked him what was wrong only TWICE, and he snapped at me "Stop asking me that. I'm depressed." NOT MY FAULT you have to pay me alimony to get rid of me. That really hurt my feelings.

I found some cute condos in my old town that run about $75- $85k. Of course, his stupid GF lives there and their favorite bar to go to is there. Well, it was my town first. I'm gonna move back at some point. For now, I'm staying here. But back to Fairport I will go.

I saw a psychic who told me this was not his first affair. She also told me some compelling information that I did not reveal to her but details that were astounding. He swears he never did this before, but I do not believe him as far as I can throw him. She galvanized that I should not pursue him resolving our relationship, as he will leave me just before my MS gets really bad and keep cheating on me, anyhow. Why am I working so hard to try to patch up a marriage that he clearly doesn't prioritize?

She told me to keep in contact with my step daughter, which I will, of course. She also told me to try to buy a home close to this house, but I really need to move back across town near my sister and the community I love. I need to get away from where he lives. She also told me that my step daughter would be adversely affected by this and would 'experiment with some bad things' in the future, if I did not keep close contact she might become a hot mess. That alone made me want to stay here for good and just live as roommates.

She told me he would try to come back and not to cave in. It would only be because the woman he is cheating on me with tires of him. He's her entertainment for now. She will never leave her husband, as he is rich and that allows her to be a lead singer in a band full time, where other normal people have to work. She also said he does not want to be responsible for me and my MS. He alluded to this when he said he can only handle one thing and that's his daughter. He can't handle a relationship, too. There goes 12 years down the drain.

I'll be going into a clonazepam induced slumber tonight.

[WillyNilly]

I'm happy to see you posting

Just wanted to mention the 10 year thing...hold out for that! Don't quote me, but I've been told that makes you eligible for part of his social security if you're married 10 years.

Naturally I didn't get a darned thing when my estranged husband died (with his "special friend" holding his hand so says the obit SHE wrote...) a few months ago.

You sound good Lisa, I hope you feel as strong as you sound. If you don't? Pretend and practice, it will come naturally soon enough. You CAN do this and do it well!!

[Jules A]

I'm happy to see you posting

Just wanted to mention the 10 year thing...hold out for that! Don't quote me, but I've been told that makes you eligible for part of his social security if you're married 10 years.
!

Good point. It is my understanding that if you were married for 10+ years anyone can elect to receive the amount of their spouses benefit from social security and it doesn't effect the amount the spouse receives so there shouldn't be any disagreements about it.

[Lynnada]

Just wanted to post and let you know you're not alone. I'm in the same boat and it sucks. This year would be 20 years married, we separated a year and half ago on my suspicion that he was contemplating/having an affair. What I did know was that he was in contact via email with a woman he cheated on me with before we were married.

He finally admitted to going on craigslist searching for an affair and met with a woman just for drinks. He was gone an awful lot to have just met someone once for drinks, so I think that is just the tip of the iceberg. I've been tested twice for std's and that came back fine, thank goodness!

He has been paying me $2500/month and we have gone through mediation and the divorce is pending. I am keeping the house, Mom is living with me and can help with expenses. She has lung cancer, so we take care of each other. We are in NJ, so we are getting a "divorce from bed and board". That separates us financially, but legally we remain married so hopefully I can continue to stay on his health insurance. He has really good health benefits through his job and he says he wants to make sure I'm taken care of. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him either, but with copaxone costing about $40,000/year, ya gotta do what ya gotta do. If I should get kicked off his health insurance (I don't work, I've been a caregiver for Mom and before that Dad) we will get an absolute divorce and I will request an increase in alimony to cover having to purchase health insurance. So it is in his best interest to try to maintain coverage for me.

So hang in there, and know you are not alone. It does get better, well, it's a roller coaster, but there are some ups along with the downs.

[moz205]

Keep chin up

Sorry to hear of all the troubles that is going on. I lost my husband two years ago and was left with a 12 yo son at the time. Since then, depressed and unable to get myself together but continued to work out of necessity. Well, long story short, this past New Years decided to take care of me. Within three mths, started sx of MS. Went to doctor and not only found to has MS but lung cancer. In meantime, I have found someone who is amazing and is standing by me with all of this. I had my lung surgery (no spread) and started my MS tx yesterday so things are looking up.
I no longer fret about things that I cannot change and from everything that happens there are lessons to be learned. I have learned to trust my faith and keep walking this path no matter how long or short....

[LisaL77]

Thanks for all the supportive posts, Everyone. We are in marital counseling trying to recover our marriage and it is going well. We are using the marriage builder books and they are awesome! We are both working hard to create a passionate, romantic, faithful, committed marriage. I appreciate all your support, this is the hardest thing I've ever done so far. Even harder than my Dx.

[Christine209]

I am disgusted with your husband!

I can not believe how selfish your husband is being. He is only thinking with the wrong head! You know I know it's a tuff situation for you and your step daughter. It seems like she would best if she stayed living with you. You should see an attorney or see if he is willing to allow you to be her legal guardian. As for you in a way this may be a blessing. Get ride of him now because he has show he is weak, spineless and lives only himself. You can find a man that loves you no matter what. For better or worse, sickness and health! I guess your husband is too infantile to have known what that meant. His parents must be disgusted with his behaviors. Stay strong you don't need the stress. He is not worth the stress! Dump the looser! Your better off without him!

[Cat Mom]

That's excellent and great to hear! You haven't posted in a long time so it made me smile to read this. Sometimes the harder the job at hand, the more worth it and the bigger the reward. In your case, a solid, stable marriage built on commitment and trust. Keep us updated on how you're doing too!
Jen

[LisaL77]

Update:

We have been going to marital counseling every 3 weeks or so and it's going well. I do have one concern: I am concerned he will not/cannot handle the progression of my MS. Next counseling session I am going to raise this and mention that I could say the same about his chronic depression.

We had gone to a MS group meeting called "But you look great!" This guy comes in - he's a caregiver for his girlfriend who is stubborn about adapting to her MS issues. She REFUSES to wear incontinence undergarments and piddles everywhere, in public, etc. She is a curmudgeon of the highest order. My husband said "I have to admit that was not promising hearing his story."

I am going to tell him that his depression makes me feel the same way about him. I am still working but off today for pain and spasticity.

I sometimes think I should still move out. He is trying very hard in our relationship, but his infidelity might be unforgiveable. Still unsure.