Struggling, drowning Help !!!

[rosepetals]

Please Help !!!

My marriage is falling apart. We were married in 2009 with him knowing I might possibly have MS, but that the docs said I was ok. Even now my dx. is probable, never confirmed. I have all the full-blown symptoms each and every single day in and out.

Twice in the last few weeks my husband says the MS is destroying the marriage. I try not to talk about the MS or say anything if I hurt or complain.

I can't hide the weakness in my steps I take, or the pause have to make when I stand up to let the spasity pass or the burning pain leave that shoots through me. It shows on my face. The doctor won't prescribe meds that work. They all make me too loopy or feel weaker so I endure.

He got mad at me after he had been drinking. It seems like lately its a habit he started partaking in. When we got married in 2009 he didn't drink. I didn't have a clue.

In Jan. this year all of a sudden I started hemorrhaging, requiring emergency surgery and hysterectomy. I was exercising within the week as ordered by the doctor. My husband seemed to always feel like I needed to be doing more. By week 2 I was vacuuming. Yup, I had to ignore the pain. There was no choice. I couldn't cook for a few weeks due to the weakness and feelings like I was going to pass out. He brought that up in a conversation.

We haven't over the years of our marriage eaten many cooked meals together since I am a vegetarian and he is a carnivore. He tends to not eat much of what I cook. So that isn't the reason. It's just some excuse he brought up.

How do you folks survive financially when SSI pays so little?

I am terrified of my future. I had planned on being independent financially, becoming a nurse. Then MS hit big time. I have been to sick to hold down a job. Heck now days it hard to get out of the chair without help

It's all I have to survive on. Are there some states that pay more than others?

How do you all get through such a horrible situation. Even if this should miraculously blow over I will have to walk on eggshells waiting for the next event.

Its really hard because I do love him very deeply. He says he loves me, but I don't really know if he does. I don't know what to expect. These MS conversations about my Disability or Handicap have started coming more often since last year.

Ideas please. I am honestly scared.

[Windwalker]

The description you gave of your husband's behaviour is textbook "abusive man"...and I'm sorry my dear but your behaviour is text book "abused wife syndrome".

They always say they freaking love you...I've seen it over and over and over. I'm a man but have known many women who have lived with abusive men. You know what one said to me once when I asked her if she really loved him..."You know when you hate someone so much that you love them". I told her that was the very definition of a dysfunctional relationship. Your heading there.

I really don't know how you can increase your income...that's a tough one. Don't let it be an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship.

Your sick with a horrible disease, put yourself first. We both know there is always a way to make it happen. Having the courage and strength and self-esteem to do it are the real obstacles.

He sounds like a coward...a weak man. Based on your post, he does not care about you much...except to vent his displeasure with himself...or maybe he had a bad childhood...boohoo. Don't accept his treatment of you, believe you are capable of finding a good man who will treat you with respect and be caring and compassionate. I'm sure you could survive without a man in your life if need be. Sounds like no kids...Thank God.

You, I will pray for rosepetals...be strong...your already being super strong, now focus it in the right direction.

[mjan]

[QUOTE=rosepetals;1350181]Please Help !!!

My marriage is falling apart. We were married in 2009 with him knowing I might possibly have MS, but that the docs said I was ok. Even now my dx. is probable, never confirmed. I have all the full-blown symptoms each and every single day in and out.

First of all, I am sorry you are having such a tough time not only in your relationship but your health issues too.. HUGS~

Twice in the last few weeks my husband says the MS is destroying the marriage. I try not to talk about the MS or say anything if I hurt or complain.

Ok, you may not be talking about symptoms but your body is speaking volumns for what you can and cannot do now. Your hubby notices I am sure.

I can't hide the weakness in my steps I take, or the pause have to make when I stand up to let the spasity pass or the burning pain leave that shoots through me. It shows on my face. The doctor won't prescribe meds that work. They all make me too loopy or feel weaker so I endure.

He got mad at me after he had been drinking. It seems like lately its a habit he started partaking in. When we got married in 2009 he didn't drink. I didn't have a clue.

Drinking is often a way to cope/escape. But if you have a drinking problem/alcoholic, its a "good excuse" cuz often they believe bad things are being done TO him. Drinking esculates emotions/problems once sober. IT NEVER helps. It puts you more at danger.

In Jan. this year all of a sudden I started hemorrhaging, requiring emergency surgery and hysterectomy. I was exercising within the week as ordered by the doctor.

You have major surgery and your doc says its ok to excercize? Really? It takes weeks for all those muscles/vessels to heal up. What was he thinking of? What kind of excercize did he "order"???

My husband seemed to always feel like I needed to be doing more. By week 2 I was vacuuming. Yup, I had to ignore the pain. There was no choice. I couldn't cook for a few weeks due to the weakness and feelings like I was going to pass out. He brought that up in a conversation.

OF course he does!! Sounds like your husband wants you to "perform" & meet his expectations ( his needs) ,as you did before you got sick/surgery. WE ALL want to be back they way we used to be.

Ask yourself, was he a helper before? Did he pitch in more at time of your surgery/symptoms? Is he considerate most of the time? Any time?

We haven't over the years of our marriage eaten many cooked meals together since I am a vegetarian and he is a carnivore. He tends to not eat much of what I cook. So that isn't the reason. It's just some excuse he brought up.

How do you folks survive financially when SSI pays so little?

Its not easy trust me. But this may not last or remain as bad as it is now. You just had SURGERY on top of something else going on neurologically. Your brain/body is still trying to heal. STRESS is making it harder hon. And you do not have a DX yet. Most do not get SSDI first try, esp if under age 50.

I am terrified of my future. I had planned on being independent financially, becoming a nurse. Then MS hit big time. I have been to sick to hold down a job. Heck now days it hard to get out of the chair without help

Again, try really hard not to go too far into the future. You may be surprised at how the brain/body can repair and go into these remissions. Right now getting through each day/hour is enough to concentrate on.

It's all I have to survive on. Are there some states that pay more than others?

Its based on work history, and illness, and if they feel treatment will help. The criteria is the same across the board.

How do you all get through such a horrible situation. Even if this should miraculously blow over I will have to walk on eggshells waiting for the next event.


Seems someone here already suspects domestic abuse in your marriage. The "walking on eggshells" is a clue. The abuser can be charming, nice, attractive, making lots of promises. THEN they start to show their "true colors" so to speak. Does he ever call you names? Tell you what you can and cannot do/see/places you can and cannot go? Keep you from family/friends? Is he EVER controlling?

Does he ever push, shove, diminish your self worth by insults, making demands? Esp sexually?

You do not have to answer those questions here. But hon, I would seriously, SERIOUSLY get a professional who has experience with Domestic violence.

Way long before someone hits you, there is a pattern: charming "hooks"-promises to be better, saying he loves you-jealousy-then comes the control, put downs-poor coping-angry outbursts- etc etc.. all this way before it esculates to physical abuse=often it ends in death. Happens all day every day.

Sad.. but YOU must make a promise to yourself that you will not allow anyone, even if they say they love you, to EVER treat you poorly.

Have a safety plan. Where is your family? Friends? TELL them what's been going on. Talk to a professional TRAINED in domestic violence/drug & alcohol relationships..ASK them what issues they are trained in before seeing them.

Whew.. I know.. a lot. but hon YOU come first!!

Its really hard because I do love him very deeply. He says he loves me, but I don't really know if he does. I don't know what to expect. These MS conversations about my Disability or Handicap have started coming more often since last year.

I am sure you have feelings for him. But have those same deep loving feelings for yourself first. ASk yourself, how does he SHOW you he loves you. Words /promises can be empty as well as hurtful. He has to SHOW you. You both could use some help if you want to work on this marriage.

Ideas please. I am honestly scared.

Tell someone, get help, come back here, take good care of yourself, tell someone other than hubby..
And remember, you won't always feel like this.. it will not always be so hard on you. You WILL have hope in your heart, you are not alone~

Hugs hon, Jan

[KatieDidNOT]

I wish I could say it better than Jan and Windwalker...but I can't.

All I can say is, your story sounds a LOT like mine. And there was so much abuse going on. I stuck with him, because 1) I truly loved him, and 2) I had MS and it made me insecure. Saddest part...I should have known better, because I have been formally educated on abuse. I still kick myself over letting anyone treat me that way...I can say it will never happen again.

I will say this...about 4-months after the divorce, it was like the biggest burden had been lifted off my shoulders, and I am one happy camper...been doing fine ever since.

Get yourself a reputable counselor...they will help you sort through your feelings and prioritize things.

Katie

[WHEREWEBEGAN]

maybe i can help

i am new to this site, and i as well took it hard to cope with what is happening with my fiance and took things for granted. i am currently going through a break up from a 5 year relationship, and i was in the wrong. i just didnt understand enough about what ms was about and how it truly plays a toll on people and kept telling myself that she will get better, and maybe the fatigue isnt ms, she is probably just tired, but i was damn wrong.

i do not have ms but my fiance/ex does. and some advice i can give you is this. . . If he truly loves you he should want to take the steps to help you overcome this and anything else you may face. i know that this is very hard, and yes im still learning, but even though my relationship could possibly be over with her, i would still do anything for her. if he isnt going to be there for you now, and isnt willing to start putting in effort to try to understand then you can do much better.

but give him the bennefit of a doubt if you truly love him, sit down with him and explain how you feel and that this is not fake. and give him a chance to try. i think that is fair. be blunt. if he doesnt get it and doesnt care and wont try and makes you feel worse still, you should be able to see your answer and face the future and try to make yourself happier and find someone who will want to take care of you. i hope this helps and i wish you the best of luck with everything. be strong

**Post broken into paragraphs by Moderator for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print.**

[chocoholic1976]

I can sympathize

I am in a very similar situation except my DH is the one with MS. He is often sad and distant. He agreed to go to a counselor last year. She has been very helpful, but he doesn't seem to want to do much footwork for our marriage. Both parties need to be invested in counseling for it to really work. You could go to a counselor just for yourself. This can be very helpful.
I keep trying to suggest things for us to do together that do not take much energy for him. He just does not seem interested in anything. I feel that every day is trying. Is your DH interested in activities that might bring you together?
As for his drinking, have you ever heard of Al-Anon? It is a program for friends and families of alcoholics. It could be helpful for you. Try to do your best to take care of yourself and find something positive in each day. I do my best to focus on positive every day even when it seems like nothing good could possibly happen. Take care.

[glodan]

GOD HELP US! BUT HE EXPECTS US TO HELP OURSELVES TOO

I sit here bawling with goosebumps as I read the question and the responses. It's like my question and the responses are directed at me. I am not new to this site, but it has been a LONG time.

A year and a half ago, I got up enough gut/courage to leave my husband of 15 years. What I wouldn't give to have that time back! About half has been spent with PPMS. Like you, I love my husband, but can't make him love me, see things from my body, understand, or just plain man up.
A year ago, I made the mistake of allowing him to communicate with me, letting him back into my heart, and now I am going through all the same pain of everything. I succumbed to his sweet lies and promises, wanting so much not to be alone.

However, I was smart enough to keep my little house I rent. I have support people for which I can never repay or thank God for near enough.
I won't waste time on the ugly,hateful names, accusations, etc. (mental emotional, psychological abuse-I'd rather he hit me because my heart could take that better) I learned in the process that I liked not having to hear it, I liked being able to be me, on a good day or a bad day with MS. I have worked all my life but ended up with SSI of $478, but I did it! I now receive $200 more. Of course I get EBT assistance and I have Medicaid. There's only a dollar or two at the end of the month but my necessities are paid and the freedom I feel is priceless. If I didn't have a way, I'd live under a bridge before I live with him again.

Yes, God helps us but He expects us to help ourselves. There are a lot of knowledgeable people on here that can help direct you. There are agencies in your state that can help. There are organizations for abuse that will help. Leave no stone turned, for the sake of your own well being. What you're living in is likely making your condition worse. It's bad enough all by itself.
I don't have family that could help. Perhaps that's an option.

Nothing I have said is of any real value but at least you know you are not alone and if someone else did it, you can do it too.
I'm not a religious zealot or anything. I just believe. Therefore, I pray and will not forget you. Take courage!

[Windwalker]

Nothing I have said is of any real value but at least you know you are not alone and if someone else did it, you can do it too.

Are you kidding me, your post was AMAZING!
Bravo, Bravo, Bravo!

[kmf1088]

Please Help !!!

My marriage is falling apart. We were married in 2009 with him knowing I might possibly have MS, but that the docs said I was ok. Even now my dx. is probable, never confirmed. I have all the full-blown symptoms each and every single day in and out.

Twice in the last few weeks my husband says the MS is destroying the marriage. I try not to talk about the MS or say anything if I hurt or complain.

I can't hide the weakness in my steps I take, or the pause have to make when I stand up to let the spasity pass or the burning pain leave that shoots through me. It shows on my face. The doctor won't prescribe meds that work. They all make me too loopy or feel weaker so I endure.

He got mad at me after he had been drinking. It seems like lately its a habit he started partaking in. When we got married in 2009 he didn't drink. I didn't have a clue.

In Jan. this year all of a sudden I started hemorrhaging, requiring emergency surgery and hysterectomy. I was exercising within the week as ordered by the doctor. My husband seemed to always feel like I needed to be doing more. By week 2 I was vacuuming. Yup, I had to ignore the pain. There was no choice. I couldn't cook for a few weeks due to the weakness and feelings like I was going to pass out. He brought that up in a conversation.

We haven't over the years of our marriage eaten many cooked meals together since I am a vegetarian and he is a carnivore. He tends to not eat much of what I cook. So that isn't the reason. It's just some excuse he brought up.

How do you folks survive financially when SSI pays so little?

I am terrified of my future. I had planned on being independent financially, becoming a nurse. Then MS hit big time. I have been to sick to hold down a job. Heck now days it hard to get out of the chair without help

It's all I have to survive on. Are there some states that pay more than others?

How do you all get through such a horrible situation. Even if this should miraculously blow over I will have to walk on eggshells waiting for the next event.

Its really hard because I do love him very deeply. He says he loves me, but I don't really know if he does. I don't know what to expect. These MS conversations about my Disability or Handicap have started coming more often since last year.

Ideas please. I am honestly scared.

I know your post was a few months ago so I hope you see this. You remind me so much of my mom. My step-dad was horrible to my mom after she was diagnosed with MS. He always expected her to do everything, never helped, never showed compassion for her. When she got her hysterectomy, he wouldn't help her while I was at school and she would ask me when I got home. I hated seeing my mom suffer.

When they finally split, her condition improved so much. She was also on disability and he refused to work. I got a job at 15 working as a dishwasher to help my mom pay bills. It was hard watching her struggle with bills, but I have always tried to do what I could for her. To help make ends meet, she would clean houses on the side to make money. She would wear herself out and I would get mad at her for doing so much, but at the same time I knew why she was doing it.

Next month will be a year since she passed away.Looking back, there is so many things that I wish I could have done to help her more. I try not to beat myself up about it because I know that she wanted to be independent and not have to depend on me. I wish I would have forced her to live with me. I knew she was in bad health, but I never in a million years that I would lose her so soon.

After watching my mom struggle and be so unhappy, there are so many things I could tell you. If your husband can't support you and help you, then leave. I know it sounds easier said than done, but MS takes alot out of you and you don't need the extra stress and sadness. I wish your husband could understand what you are going through and want to be there more for you. I loved my mom more than anything in this world and she deserved so much better than the life she was handed. If you ever want to talk or want to vent, please email me

**Email address removed by Moderator in compliance with MSWorld Guidelines. This may be put in your Profile for all registered, logged-in members to see. Go to UserCP > Edit Details**