what the bleep is wrong with me?!

[meeegun]

about a week and a half ago when i was driving home, i rapidly developed a sore throat and headache. by the time i got home an hour later, i felt terrible. i have been sick with my first cold in over 10 years since then. last night, my partner began developing the same symptoms i have had and today has been largely sleeping, sniffling, and feeling badly. for whatever reason, i found myself so jealous and full of resentment watching her sleep on the couch this afternoon.

i don't understand what i was so angry about. i think part of it is that my schedule is so insane that i haven't had *time* to be sick, so i have just powered through it and have consequently felt as though a truck ran me over for the last week and a half. maybe part of it too is that her expectations of me whether i am sick or well appear to be the same. watching her sleep, all i could think about was that it was unfair that i wasn't able to nap on the couch all day too when i don't feel well. and it was unfair that i feel tired like i'm sick every day from MS, yet i am expected to still function as if i don't feel that way.

i was shocked at my reaction and had to put my feelings in check. i still don't fully understand what made me so upset. on one hand, the last thing i want is someone to expect less of me because i am chronically ill, but that means in order to keep up i have to work harder and i have to power through more. sometimes i think i resent that. i don't know. i wish i could just go back to last summer before i got diagnosed and "be healthy" again.

[LisaL77]

Hi, meegun! I feel the same way when my DH suddenly decides he's gonna take a week off and does not have to request approval from anyone.

Why can't I do that???!!!

Evidently, your partner felt comfortable calling into work sick, putting aside household chores,etc to sleep off her cold. Perhaps there are no repercussions when she does this. Me, personally, I would take some cold relief meds and muscle through my work day. I might, however, retire early and forgo evening housework.

It's all about what flexibility we have and what we are willing to do during the onset of a cold, I guess.

Sorry you felt that way, I often find myself saying "must be nice!" when I see a woman out running at 10 am on a workday. I always assume they do not work and don't have a care in the world, but of course I am wrong.

[kif8skip]

Perhaps you can give yourself permission to slow down and get rest when you are not feeling well....

Your body is asking for that it seems , so instead of being jealous , join your partner in healing ,,,everything else WILL wait ...

[Redwings]

Hi meeegun:
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think there's a lot right with you because you were able to recognize an unhelpful emotion and put it in check. Most people can't do that.

A lot of suffering comes from people thinking they have to believe every thought that crosses their mind or succumb to every emotion they feel. That isn't rational and it isn't healthy. What's more important than what happens to us or how we feel about it (yeah, life is unfair!) is what we DO about it. You did the rational, realistic and healthy thing by acknowledging an emotion and putting it in its proper place, instead of allowing yourself to become overwhelmed by it. Nothing at all wrong with that!

[meeegun]

thanks all for your words of encouragement.

i know its not her fault that i am a grad student who works, commutes an hour each way for school, and was recently diagnosed with MS. and i know that i made the choice to continue with that crazy schedule even after being diagnosed. i know that this life that i am living is my choice, but i still feel guilty for inappropriately feeling anger.

this experience has made me realize that something in my life needs to change. i cannot continue this pace because living this way is creating deep resentment towards others. i have been trying to cut back my hours at work and hopefully this will help me feel less overwhelmed. i think getting sick on top of my new allergy issues was just the last straw.

thanks again for your encouraging words