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Need suggestions how to help my mom relax about my MS Dx!!

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    #1

    Need suggestions how to help my mom relax about my MS Dx!!

    I'm new to all of this and I've only been diagnosed since October, but I have been struggling with the illness for over the last year. My life has basically been turned upside down physically, emotionally and financially.

    My mom has really been the only person I can depend on (not married), but I think she is having a hard time dealing with my diagnosis. My mom is my best friend and before I got sick we did everything together and had a great relationship. Since I have been sick though she treats me differently always wanting to do everything for me. She freaks out if I stumble or lose my balance. I tell her that I can do things myself and if I need her help I will ask but I am not sure she believes me. I tell her that I appreciate her help but I need to keep doing things myself and she needs to try and relax. Even when she calls me in the morning her first words to me are "should I come down to do everything or how are you feeling, do you feel ok?" She says she can not stop worrying about the MS and me...what can I do in this situation?

    I need her to treat me like she use to and stop treating me like I am sick. Is that even possible?
    RRMS diagnosed 10/2011
    Rebif since 2012, Vitamin D 4000IU
    Tags: None
    #2
    Get her some literature from the NMSS so she can learn more about MS in general. Education is knowledge is one phrase the material has.
    techie
    Another pirated saying:
    Half of life is if.
    When today is bad, tomorrow is generally a better day.
    Dogs Rule!

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      #3
      I know you realize how lucky you are to have such a loving mother in your life, but yeah, that would get old really fast. It's also not conducive to a healthy adult relationship, as I'm sure you also know.

      Is it possible for both of you to have a session with a grief counselor so you can get some open communication going about this and your mom can learn some coping techniques beyond babying you? An MS diagnosis is never easy, but it sounds like she may need a 3rd party to express her fears to and to help her cope. You might too; only you know, but it certainly couldn't hurt.

      Comment

        #4
        great post

        This was the case with my mother and husband in the beginning...only I'm probably much older than you (I'm 52).

        My mom is not in the best health herself, but offers to do everything for me when I see her. My husband did the same the 1st few months, even escorting me upstairs every night at bedtime.

        I call them the "over-caregivers", and we have laughed about it.

        I liked the advise above on seeking counseling for mom or litarature, right on!

        My husband commented the other day that he wanted to volunteer to do dishes, but knows that it is good for me to get up and move about. If it is too much, I ask him to take over.

        I fear that my mom is not disclosing just how bad she is (she lives out of state) so not to worry or stress me, and now I don't want to share with her how I'm "really" doing if it is bad, so as not to stress her out...it is straining on a relationship.

        It may just take some time for her to get used to this and understand your abilities and/if limitations. Maybe assure her you will ask for help when needed.

        It's wonderful that you have such a caring mother.
        Prob MS 9-14-04; Dx PPMS 9-16-11; RRMS 12-15-11
        Ampyra 10mg 2xday
        Copaxone 1/20/12

        Comment

          #5
          Every mom, don't care which one it is, wants the best for their kids. No matter what age you are, you are still their baby. Last night I was talking to our youngest (he is in college), I think of him in diapers. Anyway, he was having a few problems, and I just wanted to make him feel better and take the hurt away.

          Moms (and Dads too) have just as hard of a time adjusting to an MS diagnosis or any chronic illness. They want to fix you, they want to help their baby, they would lay down their life for you. And to be honest, your diagnosis, probably broke her heart.

          My only sibling unexpectedly passed away and I was diagnosed with MS around the same time. I think my Mom and Dad felt responsible that I had MS and that my sibling had died...which is absolutely not the case.

          It has gotten a lot better. In fact I am moving home to be around the rest of my family sometime this year or next.

          Let your mom help you. She does not know what to do right now, most people don't. But you will both adjust to the new normal...and you will do it together...just give it time. She is grieving too....

          Katie

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            #6
            Information and open communication will be a big help ....and time to adjust to all the new information and way of life....

            Glad you have a caring Mom - Moms are the best !
            Peace ~~ Kat

            Comment

              #7
              I am very close to my mother-in-law, she is an amazing woman. The first time she ever saw me with my cane, watched me shake, drop everything I tried to pick up or any of the other obvious ms problems I could see the tears swell in her eyes. Just as your mother, she tried to do anything that would make things easier for me-and like you, even though I truly appreciated it, all I wanted was the easy going relationship we had. It was hard seeing the worry in her face when she looked at me.

              When my body would let me, I tried to do the things we did before to show her I was still here, ms was along for the ride of course, but I was still me. I helped cook dinner, helped her fold laundry (even when she strongly objected) went on short walks together, did things before she had the chance to-all while talking and laughing with her (talking and laughing are two of the things we love to do!) Lets face it, we both needed a good laugh!

              She has learned a lot about ms and is more comfortable talking about it, although it is nice that we have conversations that have nothing to do with ms at all! She's knows that even thought my disease is progessing, I need to feel like I can still do some things for myself. No one wants to feel helpless.

              Big changes take a while to get used to, especially ones you have little to no control over. Loving parents want to fix things, make it all better and when they can't it hurts. They feel helpless too. If you need her help don't hesitate to ask. It will do you good to know you have someone there for you and her good to know she can help and make things easier.

              Give her and yourself knowledge and time. On your good days, when she calls to see if you need her say yes, then have breakfast waiting for her when she gets there (even if its cereal) Spoil her-spoil yourself too. Time, acceptance, communication and knowledge are wonderful things. Sorry to be so long winded, its just something I could truly relate to. I hope you both feel better soon!

              Comment

                #8
                Thank you everyone for your suggestions! I have checked into counseling and my mom said she will go with me so we can get some more suggestions and help to get us through this!
                RRMS diagnosed 10/2011
                Rebif since 2012, Vitamin D 4000IU

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