So Angry...

[19447BW]

There have been many times in my 25 year history with my MS that I have been mad, but this is the worst. My marriage is falling apart, my husband has cheated and I have to figure out what to do. My limitations with my MS have a HUGE impact on everything- if I can't trust him now, how do I trust him when I'm in a wheelchair? How do I ever get over this? How do I leave, and move into a new home/condo/apartment (whatever) and have a life? How do I do this on my own? How do I expect to find anyone who would want to be with me?
I'm only 41 years old, do I want to waste the last 15 years (or however long I have) that I am able to walk with a cheater?
Forgive me for ranting, I have been praying over this and I am no closer to figuring out what to do. It has only been one week since I've known the real truth, should I give it more time?
Has anyone been through anything like this, and do you have any advice for me? I would welcome any thoughts you may have. I am utterly lost right now.

[seeuinct]

Brooke- wow sounds like you are going though hell.
No- I have not been through what you are going through. I am at the end of a long and bitter divorce though. At the beginning it was all I could think about. It has taken a long time to move to a happier place in my life.
I think you just need to give yourself time. Try only to worry about what you can handle today- not in 15 years- you never know how long you will walk. It will take time to figure out your path, but once you do you will feel better, empowered, stronger.
I'm sorry you're going though this. This forum is a great place to vent though- hope to "see" you around.
Take Care-

[LisaL77]

Brooke, there are a few deal-breakers in a marriage, and cheating is one of them, whether you have MS or not. The going is gonna get tougher and you don't need to be struggling to manage MS while he's out on 'dates'. May as well be single!

I would get rid of him and consider a living arrangement that is 'MS-friendly' and maybe even a roommate with MS. That could be an economic opportunity perhaps, if there were grants available to outfit a dwelling for folks with MS.

I would consider doing that, and I would feel a strong sense of independence and accomplishment, too. Sort of like running a business.

Lots of people with MS live alone and independently. Ask yourself, "Can I do this for 40 years?" You just might have 40 good years left! I am unsure that I could.

[FL_Jhawk]

I know you are really hurting. Having MS and feeling you will be alone and helpless if you leave him (or if he leaves you) is scary and adds even more stress and confusion to a bad situation.

We out here cannot possibly know the full details of your situation. You need to find out why he cheated and see if the problems can be solved. Leaving in a fit of revenge or on grounds of principles isn't going to do you any good in the future if you are alone and have no one to help support you.

MS can be a stressful time for the person who doesn't have MS. Their lives are impacted too and dreams altered nearly as much. I am sure it can drive people to do things they wish, in hindsight, they hadn't done.

Cheating doesn't have to automatically doom a marriage. I hope you guys can work it out.

[mjan]

(((( HUGS )))

First of all, I am so sorry you even have to go through this along with your other struggles..crappy eh?

Try really hard to hang on to whatever faith/belief you have in your life ok? Do you have good support?

Now you may not like hearing this, but its just an idea ok? Don't know your hubby but I was wondering if some how he is having his own issues and sought out SEX/ATTENTION to cope? Doesn't mean its right at all, or that your marriage is over per se, is it? Perhaps he is not coping well either and struggles in knowing HOW to cope or help? Cheating is awful in itself, but usually there is something beneath the action. Would you be willing to explore this with a therapist?
Again.. just a thought, sorry.

Instead of going too far into the future, prepare the best you can for today and near future. Who knows what condition ANY of us will be in so why expend our precious energy worrying about it? I was always taught that worrying is an insult to God. Still.. its a natural occurance when we need security and that foundation has been cracked.

Would it be possible to see a therapist about all this? Then eventually the therapist could bring in your hubby too? I do not believe in couple counseling until each person has had their own therapy first. Otherwise the sessions can be wasted on blame/arguments before the REAL issues are identified.

What if you learned that your hubby is really scared about what will happen to you and how he can/or cannot provide for you? MS just doesn't happen to US, it affects our relationships too. Not all will be altruistic and supportive all the time.

So..again, HUGS and empathy for what you are going through. Been there..my hubby was disabled first.. and I spent all my time dealing with HIS issues..until his death. Now I wish I had that time back but not before wanting HIM back.

STRESS can make MS worse. So remember, YOU are the only one who has control over HOW your react, your attitude and ability to get through this. But in the meantime, we care and willing to walk this journey with you, hon.

Warmly, Jan

[valeriem2220]

I do not have any words of wisdom for you. In the end it will be your decision and what you feel you can handle.
I just wanted to let you know my prayers are with you during this hard time. I have been there and I know it hurts terribly.

((((HUGS))))

[KatieDidNOT]

Brooke-

Of course, you are angry....who would not be.

Yes, I am divorced, my husband cheated, amongst many other things once I was diagnosed with MS. He told me "I was broken". Pfffft.....no I am not!

I can't tell you what to do. That is squarely on your shoulders. But I can tell you this. I was REALLY sad after my divorce and then about 4-months later, I was like "geez...this is pretty good." Now 4-years later, I am like, "This is great!".

I date...and everyone who I have dated has known I have MS...they chase me...and has not been an issue. I personally have no desire to remarry at this point, because I am REALLY enjoying my freedom. But that might change, so I will never say never...someone might come along that just "knocks my socks off".

My cousin married a man with MS and they have been together 25 years or so, and it is a happy marriage.

With that said, many people have cheated and have been able to save their marriages. Possible marriage counseling??? Also not everyone who has MS ends up in a wheelchair...hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I will not advise you on what to do, because it is YOUR life. However, I would try to calm down and think it over. You are really emotional right now. And I was too...many, many people have gone through what you are right now.

Hoping the Best for You

Katie

[CatMom0001]

Brooke,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Yes, I've been in your shoes, but it was way before my MS diagnosis.

I don't think there is a "right" answer. The best advice I can give you is, you don't have to make a decision today. And since every morning is the beginning of a new today, you have time on your side.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

CatMom

[19447BW]

A couple more details...

First off, when we married, me at age 33 & he at age 42, he knew I had MS, I was very close to using a cane at the time, and he knew what was may or may not be coming, after a 3 year courtship, he still wanted to get married.
Next, this isn't the first time I've caught him doing things he shouldn't be doing. On the 2nd of January, I found out he had been on an "immoral website" (Happy New Year to me!) using the web-cam and having relations with unknown persons. That was discovered, and I had hoped, finished. Then, last week, I found that he had been using his phone/email/camera/video-camera to have relations with a married woman he dated back in his 20's. So this time, I found that the other part of the cheating has a name and a face.

I am no fool. I am an attractive 41 year old, I stay in shape, we still had relations (when I could get his attention) and the only reason he got caught was because he started acting strangely.

We are both seeing a counselor. The same one, because he had started to see her for his 'anger management' about 5 weeks ago, and I saw her a couple of weeks ago because I felt it important to see the same counselor. She was amazed at what I told her (through my sobbing) it appears my loving husband likes to play the victim instead of owning up to his own weaknesses.

Needless to say, there are more appointments coming. My HUGE problem is that he doesn't seem to even feel that he has cheated, only that what he has done is an effect of his 'anger' issues from his childhood (he was NOT abused, in any way)

I am a Christian. I love God, and hope that He has the best in mind for me (Romans 8:28) But cannot see the light at the end, or the middle, or anywhere near the tunnel right now.

My husband is agnostic. Refuses to hear the "knock" that I keep praying he will hear on his heart.

Bottom line, I am so lost I am drowning. I have no idea what to do. I use a cane now, all the time, and don't know how much longer that will be the case. I just know that I have a husband that is not handling things like a man that will be 48 this year. If I wanted these kind of issues, I would adopt a 15 year old boy!

[mjan]

Well you certainly laid these "issues" out for us more clearly. My question, Does your hubby NOT own issues/take responsibility for his actions or blame others..like you? Does he have a control or anger problem that sometimes scares you?

When I was going through tough times with my son's father.. and other stuff...what got me through, was thinking what if THIS person was NOT in my life. What are MY issues around this? What would I know about me that I would want to work on/improve? Where would I see me being (if this person was NOT in my life and never was)??

That notion helped ME to find answers ..solutions..rather than focus on how hurt I was.. how much of a "victim" it felt to me.. well.. for me that way of figuring things out helped.

So glad you are receiving professional help. You WILL get through this.. one day.. and will look back with fuller self knowledge and wisdom.. preventing anyone else from taking advantage of you.

Bless you my dear.. know that I am here for you.

Gentle hugs and lots of prayers ..cont healing..

Jan

[CougarMama]

Tough....or not?

Based on your last post concerning your husband I think you should think about if this is truly the person you would want taking care of you if it comes to that point. Would you be able to trust him? Do you gain a sense of well being when you are with him? Or is this just a normal bump in the marital road? I have had ups and downs in my marriage but cheating, lying and a lack of responsibility for doing these things is a real problem!

Your still young and have a lot of life to live, regardless of any future disabilities. Make sure you are doing what will make YOU happy in the long run.

I will be thinking of you and wish you the best in determining you path forward!

[angelpach]

I too can [B]not[B] tell you what to do but I can say I am So Sorry you are having to even think about these things.

I was "dumbed" after a very Beautiful almost 6 year relationship. I loved him & still do very much BUT I can say without a doubt Life is NOT over.
I have been asked out by a good number of men who know I have MS & are very understanding. So, when I am ready I know life does go on. Your life isn't over; you will just have to find ways to live it (like we all do with MS with or without a relationship). It will also weed out the "Jerks" when you do decide to date again in the Future...
I was sad & scared in the beginning but now I'm HOPEFUL & excited about the adventure of "dating" one day. I know there is someone special out there for me & until that time I'm so Happy being Single & being ME!

You've got a lot to work through before moving on; matter fact you have a lot to decide right now. Just follow your heart & definitely find out. What he was thinking... No excuse but if you love him & there is a chance it's always best to "try" to exhaust all measures before running to divorce.

My thoughts & Prayers are with you. Hugs!
You're not alone.

[KatieDidNOT]

Brooke-

Angel, just gave you some really sage advice.

Like I said before, MS and being single is not a bad thing...you learn to adjust...and you will probably learn to like it. And it seems both Angel and I have found that dating is not a big issue with MS. I am dumbfounded how many MSers think that because they have MS that no one would want them...that is so not true.

I am really glad that you clarified your first post. I have a concern with the "anger management" thing. Has he been abusive (Physical, Verbal, or Mental)? You don't have to answer that...just want you to think about it. Because, anyone that is abusive...that cycle does not stop. I don't care how much therapy they go through...abusers blame the victim...and they don't stop. They don't take responsibility for anything. I speak from experience...both professionally and personally.

My thought to you is everyone deserves to love and be loved, everyone deserved happiness, and MS is secondary. Don't let your MS cloud the underlying problem here.

I hope you got a good night's sleep and woke up with more clarity on the situation. And I know you will do what is absolutely the best for YOU.

Regards--Katie

[gomer]

The Male Perspective.

Thank you for your clarifying post.

Here is may take on the situation from my MALE perspective. I find often time women do not like to even hear the other side or male perspective. There is a saying never argue with a woman, marital partner or not.

-1- He has recognized accepted that he needs HELP and sought counseling.

-2- Sounds to me like religion is a thorn in your marriage.
Did you know his religious position BEFORE you married?
Did you marry him with the intent of CHANGING HIM?
Has he tried to change YOUR religious beliefs?

-3- Question: Ask yourself, are you expecting absolute perfection by your standards, a level of perfection not easily attainable or unattainable by him?

-4- Many Men throughout history have looked at porn, magazines in the past, now its electronic. Me I don't do either, but that is MY choice. IN my MALE opinion, as long as there is NO physical touching etc its NOT cheating, but that is MY opinion. MY foster mother had a wonderful marriage, she drew the line at LOOK Don't TOUCH.

-5- I have friends that watch dirty videos, their wives know, but they still have happy marriages. However in some cases it can lead to more than talking remotely and.or touching.

-6- You did not say he ABUSED you, if he does that is a serious matter.

-7- Do you mentally abuse him in some way, say nagging or mentally that you might not realize?

-8- Marriage take a lot of work by BOTH partners.

Maybe you BOTH feel as if you are in fact VICTIMS. Maybe you both are in a way. Maybe you both will benefit from counseling, I hope that is the case. Today's technology seems to have blurred the lines of moral standards.

IF EITHER of you are abusive, that is a BIG NO NO and should not be tolerated by either. Sounds like you were put aback by his seeking help. Maybe he wanted or needed someone he could talk with about HIS issues with interference. Were you INVITED to see his counselor or did you make an unwanted appearance? Maybe he feels like you are stalking him in some fashion.

BOTH partners in any marriage need room to breathe. There also has to be MUTUAL trust and respect.

The bottom line is, YOU have to ask yourself, are you better off with or without him? Be realistic about answering that question, the grass may look greener on the other side, it might be and it might not be. many times there are other often minor things that irritate, but had doom a marriage.

From just reading what you have posted, I question how much your MS is part of the equation. My wife of 39 years this month had a minor handicap when we married. She thought she was marrying a healthy maybe some day wealthy Prince Charming.

It turned out I have several more serious health problems, Cancer (1982), Diabetes(1980) & MS, and some lesser issues. We both have been through tough times, but we always, so far, have managed to not let it get in our way.

I do not have anger issues and never abusive in ANY way, but if I sought counseling for anything and my wife barged in, uninvited I would tell her to hit the road. I did have counseling when I had Cancer, my wife was invited, but she refused.

I hope you do whatever is BEST for YOU. No one can make that decision for you. Marriage take time, like fine wine to become good.

Gomer Sir Falls-A-Lot (married 39 yrs, 4 adult kids)

[kif8skip]

You have gotten some great advice here....

Please take your time and remember you do not have to decide anything right now......

I know you will find the right answers for you - take care of YOU right now as you work your way through this ...