Scared but happy..??

[swerty89]

Hey Everyone!

So, hereŽs my story:

Im currently dating a guy who has MS. We have been together for 6 months now, and his health, Thank God, has been great; he only has problems with his balance now and then, he trips easily and sometimes goes sideways. Im 19, and hes 20 years old.

He has told me about his MS, that when he was diagnosed he needed help with walking and bathing. He used a walking cane, and for sometime he used a wheelchair. I didnt meet him when he was like this, I met him around 8 months ago, when he was in great health, and it hasnt changed.

I have enjoyed the relationship so much, heŽs a great guy, and we have so much in common. I dont have any plans of ending the relationship, but sometimes I worry a lot about the future. I worry if heŽll get sick again (hes has RRMS), and how will I handle the situation. I worry about what my parents will say, because they are already in denial of my relationship, and they are not OK with it. They think Ill fall in love, and they worry about their only daughter marrying someone who has a disease.

Please, Im asking for some realistic advice, Im not looking for a pat in the back, I have received some of those hehe...
Just, I dont know, anyone out there who might have some tips on how to stop stressing and enjoy the present? And also, if he had a relapse, how should I manage it? Do you guys think Im over reacting, and when the moment comes, its actually not so bad??

I also would appreciate any one out there who is as young as me, and would like to share their story

Ari

[WALKINGHORSEWOMAN]

THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF IT ALL

I smiled while reading your post. How easy it would all be if any of us had the answers to your myriad questions! But alas, MS is a disease of unpredictability. No one can predict if your man will have a flare tomorrow, 1 week from now or 1 year from now, or never.

Even if he is on a medicine to hold the MS at bay there is no guarantee that it will work. No Guarantee. Those are the key words here.

We have no guarantee of tomorrow. None of us do. You say he is a great guy, you have a lot in common. Go with it. Enjoy the exploration of the relationship.

As for your parents, if he means a lot to you then you will at some point have to have an adult sit down with your parents and explain that this is your choice. I am sure that they want what is best for you and they are trying to protect you rom future heartbreak. That is what we parents do. But you could pick a completely healthy partner and he could have a heart attack/ stroke/ car accident tomorrow.

If he has a flare it could be bad, it could be not so bad, it could be treatable and easily resolved with steroids, it could leave permanent damage. The bottom line is no one knows.

So I guess the question I ask you (not for you to answer me but for you to search within yourself)- Can you live with the unpredictability? It would be nice if we could live our lives all according to our plans, but we get thrown curve balls. At least you are getting the chance up front to decide if this is a game you want to play.

[cosake]

swerty89 - I am not "young" like you, but I am 40 years "young", and I am the one with MS.

I think that you may have a hard time getting a reply on this. MS is so unique to each patient and completely unpredictable, as are each person's personalities. There is no way to see the path ahead that you or your boyfriend may have to follow.

My first flare that diagnosed my MS was an eye issue (age 38 1/2). No one else but me was affected / could tell there was anything wrong. My second flare (almost 40) I had trouble walking, balancing, and I could not write or do things with my right hand. My husband (married 17 years, together 22 years) had a very hard time seeing me like that. He had a harder time with the situation than I did, and I was the one affected. It hurt him to see me like that and know that there was nothing he could do to "fix" it. But he is completely and totally supportive. We do have 22 years under our belt.

A relationship will have good times and bad times, ups and downs, with or without MS. You may have to compromise more because of the MS. Or, you may need to split household chores differently, etc. There are so many things that could happen - but they may not and there is not guarantee.

I know that I have given you no answers or advice. I hope that you do get some responses on this, but I don't know what people will say. I think here there is probably a little of a bias in that the caregivers who are here are caregivers who want to support their partner. You aren't going to have too many here where things didn't work out or they left, divorced, it was too much for them, etc. because those people won't be on this board.

That being said, this is a great board to read up and get more information about MS.

Best wishes for your future.

[Bob698]

Be careful, Ari. You might get run over by a beer truck.







I think a lot of us have gone thru this. There's some stuff we have plan for based on a worst case but after that we just live our lives.
MS can go into a pretty long dormant stage and worrying about it doesn't do us any favors.

[Jules A]

The best advice I can offer is to keep in mind that MS is a chronic, progressive disease. It is not unusual for people with RRMS to go for years without problems and then all the sudden really decline.

To me this is about more than love and compatibility. It is also about finances, your expectations of how active a lifestyle you want as well as the genetic implications if you decide to have bio children.

I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age but I would bet these are some of the things your parents are thinking and their concern is justified, imo. Personally, and while I realize we could all suddenly get run over by a bus tomorrow , I would not get into a relationship with someone I knew had a chronic progressive disease like MS.

If you honestly consider the worse case scenario and would be ok with that then I'd go for it. If not don't feel bad about declining a relationship with someone who has the baggage those of us with MS must carry.

[tommylee]

If you honestly consider the worse case scenario and would be ok with that then I'd go for it. If not don't feel bad about declining a relationship with someone who has the baggage those of us with MS must carry.

The worst case scenario may be you doing everything for both of you . (including wiping both of your butts.)

The best is; he may outlive you and stay little effected.

But there is no shame in opt'ing out of this very High Stakes game of Your life.

If he is soo great to you and you can enjoy life with him even if he becomes an invalid ??? full speed ahead!

If the actual idea of living for years with a crippled person is ok with you? No problem.
That day may never come.

If the idea consumes you with fear you should probably end it while you are so young.

There is no "moral high-ground" on a choice like this.
Whatever you choose; you will still be a good person.

My wife and I have been together for 25 years. The first 10 I was healthy.
The past 11 years I have been on disabillity and now she has to work and I just take care of the house our son and animals.
It has been very hard on her and she has really struggled to find any acceptance.
(I don't think she would have ever would have knowingly signed up for a life like this.)
I still move and take care of myself and most of all the chores at home But it is not the life either of us ever imagined.
I think it has been as hard or harder on her than it has been for me.
Think hard and do some research before choose to love someone forever. Forever lasts a long long time.
Then do what you choose. It is your life.

[swerty89]

Thank you so much, guys... You are really putting things in
perspective for me hehe...

Well, I honestly dont want to marry any time soon, even if I had a healthy boyfriend, I wouldnt want to marry him hehe... So, I donŽt know, it may sound selfish, but I think Im choosing staying with him, and enjoying his company... and if the day comes when he becomes sick again, I can just see how I feel, and I can do my decision based on that... what do you think?? And also, the relationship could end for many many other reasons, so its not like MS is the only thing... What do you guys think? I should stop stressing, hahah I just gave an answer to myself

[Bob698]

He's still a human being, not a can of soup.
Read what you've posted, you want total strangers to make an important decision for you. Because we have the same disease as your boyfriend, that makes it OK somehow.

[muse_7]

I'm going to give you the same advice I would give my daughter who is 18 (I am 44). Take your time, you have your whole life ahead of you. Live in the moment and see where it takes you.

As far as the future, we are all going to get sick and die. All of us. But only some of us will ever be with someone who truly loves them and treats them the way they deserve to be treated. Being loved and loving that person are the only criteria I would place on a relationship. You could have a few happy years or many miserable years with anyone or vice versa. No one is guaranteed anything.

As for your parents, they are just worrying about you. When I met my husband, his uncle told him not to get involved with someone with baggage (my two children from my first marriage). Today his uncle will be at our house for Christmas and I am part of the family. If you continue in your relationship with this man, let your family get to know him. Then he will be more than his "baggage".

Merry Christmas!

[tommylee]

Well, I honestly dont want to marry any time soon, even if I had a healthy boyfriend, I wouldnt want to marry him hehe... So, I donŽt know, it may sound selfish, but I think Im choosing staying with him, and enjoying his company...

What does he want? What is he looking for?
If he is looking for a long term relationship or for a wife; I think it is rude to waste his time.

If he is just enjoying life and has no long term goals with you; No harm in just taking it one day at a time.

Like Bob said, "he is still a person not a can of soup."
If he is serious about you ... you owe it to him to be honest and let him decide if he wants to invest more time in you.
His time is also valuable and if he is looking for a wife and you have no intrest, it is cruel to lead him on.

Have you asked him what he wants? Do his wishes or goals matter?

Don't forget a relationship takes two people.
You owe it to anybody to not only consider yourself and your wishes but their wishes and goals also.

Youth and time will pass faster than you can imagine. Try not to waste anybodys time just to entertain yourself. That is cruel and selfish. The time wasted is not only your own.

Time has more value than cash. You can never buy more time. (that is a concept that is very difficult to understand when you are young,)

Whatever you choose, I hope it makes both of you happy.

Being a grown woman requires making grown-up choices.
Life after high school is much more complicated than choosing a prom date.

After high school I never dated anybody for more than two weeks if I saw no future with them. (people fall in love if you stay too long)

He may be happy just keeping it casual but it would be good to let him know up front to spare him some pain in the future if he is not on the same page.?

Best wishes.

[mrsmurray14]

Hey Everyone!

So, hereŽs my story:

Im currently dating a guy who has MS. We have been together for 6 months now, and his health, Thank God, has been great; he only has problems with his balance now and then, he trips easily and sometimes goes sideways. Im 19, and hes 20 years old.

He has told me about his MS, that when he was diagnosed he needed help with walking and bathing. He used a walking cane, and for sometime he used a wheelchair. I didnt meet him when he was like this, I met him around 8 months ago, when he was in great health, and it hasnt changed.

I have enjoyed the relationship so much, heŽs a great guy, and we have so much in common. I dont have any plans of ending the relationship, but sometimes I worry a lot about the future. I worry if heŽll get sick again (hes has RRMS), and how will I handle the situation. I worry about what my parents will say, because they are already in denial of my relationship, and they are not OK with it. They think Ill fall in love, and they worry about their only daughter marrying someone who has a disease.

Please, Im asking for some realistic advice, Im not looking for a pat in the back, I have received some of those hehe...
Just, I dont know, anyone out there who might have some tips on how to stop stressing and enjoy the present? And also, if he had a relapse, how should I manage it? Do you guys think Im over reacting, and when the moment comes, its actually not so bad??

I also would appreciate any one out there who is as young as me, and would like to share their story

Ari

Ari, don't leave him because of his disease. Think about how much he appreciates you for loving him and being with him when he needs it the most. If you love him for him then stay with him and love and support him don't let this nasty disease ruin your life or ruin his life more then it already has and no matter how weak he gets carry on with your life as normal. My mother has MS and the reason I joined is b/c I am looking for support as I do not know how to handle this anymore. Fortunately my father has been amazing and supports her and loves her unconditionally. My family also makes it a point to make her feel capable not handicapped. MS ruined her life. She wakes up everyday with a smile on her face and never lets this disease get her down emotionally and my dad treats her as normal as he can even though she doesn't have a normal life. I digress, back to you Ari if you love him for who he is stay with him I mean it think about MS it ruined his young life remind him that it doesn't have to ruin it and help him fight.