Need info on a relationship

[dirvings]

4 years ago I married a person that has MS,she is still very mobil but is exhasted easy.

I have more troubles with the emotional side that the physical side.

I was woundering if MS has much of a role in our problems? It feels like no matter what I do I can't seem to get it correct.

Any ideas on what I can do? Does things get worse or better with time?

Thanks

[Sequoia]

Welcome to MSWorld, drvings!

I've moved your thread to our "Relationships and Carepartnering" forum, where you'll find many other threads that may help answer your questions.

[Jules A]

Hi and welcome,
I'm sorry things are difficult and would urge anyone MS or not in a similar situation to consider counseling whether she is willing to attend or not.

Did she have MS when you met her? It is hard to tell if the emotional stuff is totally the result of MS, her personality or a combination of both.

Without knowing what she was like pre-ms it is anyone's guess but in any event you are dealing with who she is now and again for both of you having someone professional to talk with might be helpful. Good luck.

[gym girl]

Hi,
Being married 20 years, experience has told me a lot. Almost 3 years ago I was dxed with ms, being a very active person this really changed our lives.

Every year of marriage is different anyway and is work, but is so worth it. In my case, I was never a overly emotional person, but ms , of course, messed that up. Finding that I needed to be on medication for depression really helped. Seeing a counselor, just briefly, helped put things into perspective. Understanding that a lot of how I am feeling emotionally is a result of the ms, not anyone's fault. Getting the right support from my husband is crucial. I get these ideas sometimes that I don't want both of us to suffer, so it would be better to separate. But my husband talks to me, lets me cry, assures me that we would be better together than apart. That we are"one" and that we can go through anything together. These feelings pass, and we really enjoy our life together. He is so right!

As far as the fatigue, we used to camp , hike in Yosemite, water sports.....very active lifestyle. We both had to accept that life is going to be very different. Modification! Going places that are wheelchair accessible, saves my energy even though I can still walk, but run out of steam. We went camping at the beach for the first time a couple of months ago, it was great, took a little longer to set things up, but we did it! Went to Yosemite, took the wheelchair, still enjoyed the beauty, but just in a different way. We learned that adapting and modifying is a key to keeping active together. Wishing you the best

[Augusta Girl]

MS makes relationships difficult

I am going through some of the same things right now. I have been with my fiance for about a year and a half, and I am still getting used to all the effects of MS.

There are many days when he is hurting, or he is tired, or the medicine is making him feel weird, and he is not acting like himself. In fact, he is just trying to get through the day. But on those days, he is quiet, and withdrawn, and frustrated and can be short-tempered. There are times he just needs to sit and read and distract himself from the pain. Other times we are doing something together and he is short-tempered and says something not so nice.

It's difficult because when he is like this, it makes me feel bad. I feel like his is mad at ME, like I did something wrong and that is why he's in a bad mood. I feel myself being more clingy, wanting attention or love and wanting a reassurance that it is indeed the disease and not something I did, or something going wrong in the relationship.

When it is his personality that is affected because he isn't feeling well, it's hard to know and understand whether it IS him being mean or short-tempered that day, or whether the disease is making him do it. It's hard to know whether a bad day is because it's a bad relationship day, or a bad MS day, unless you talk about it.

I'm trying to work on this part. I always try to let him know when what he is doing or saying is making me feel bad, and to give him a chance to say that it's a bad MS day. I don't want to make him feel WORSE, by telling him he's making me feel bad, so sometimes I keep it inside and just feel bad on my own. It's really difficult.

The other day I had a really striking thought about it all. Barring the one in a million chance they find a cure soon, this is as good as it's going to be. He's not going to get better, and there is the very good possibility that it's going to be horribly worse. So the things I deal with now--the short temper, the quietness, the withdrawal, they will seem like a piece of cake compared to what is to come. And I am not sure I am up for it. I can't imagine my life without him, yet am I strong enough to see him wither away?

All of this is made worse by the fact that my best friend just went through a double mastectomy for breast cancer and will start chemo soon. The two people I love most in the world are going through really awful things, and I can't do a damn thing to help. I feel like I have no one to talk to who can understand.

Today my fiance found out that one of his friends' brother-in-law just died from advanced MS. He was 40 years old. So again, my tiny problems compared to how horrible it could be. It really upset me, and we had a talk about it. It was a good talk, but we figured out that I have so many things going on--work, grad school, sick friend--that I really do need to find another close friend to be able to talk to about it with. There is just so much. Sometimes all I want to do is cry.

But it is really important to keep the communication open, to make sure you two are together in this. Today he said to me like he feels like a burden because of the MS. I told him that he is not a burden, but that time with him is just more precious, because we are not sure how much "good time" there will be.

[Cat Mom]

I am the person with MS in my house, my DH is a kind, patient man. When he first told me how he felt like he "just couldn't get it correct", I told him that the reason is because MS is always different. It changes throughout the day and each day is never the same as any other.

You must be a very caring person to ask for advice, please give yourself some slack. Maybe you could suggest that she ask you for assistance when she needs it rather than you asking her if she needs something.

Personally, I don't like being doted on, it reminds me that I'm sick.

The other day I had a really striking thought about it all. Barring the one in a million chance they find a cure soon, this is as good as it's going to be. He's not going to get better, and there is the very good possibility that it's going to be horribly worse. So the things I deal with now--the short temper, the quietness, the withdrawal, they will seem like a piece of cake compared to what is to come. And I am not sure I am up for it. I can't imagine my life without him, yet am I strong enough to see him wither away?

Augusta Girl- I couldn't have said this better. I've been married to my DH for over 4 years (he's been Dx'd for a little over 1 year now) and this exact thing haunts me. Am I physically and mentally strong enough for this uncertain future? I don't know, but I sure as heck hope so. I love him and I will do all that I can and that will have to be good enough. I have no regrets about our marriage and if anything his MS has made us closer and communicate more. I don't think anyone can be prepared to watch their loved one slip away.

That being said, once I figured out that most of DH's anger comes from frustration of trying to do something that was once easy and is now difficult, it made some of my stress go away. It helps me deal with his moods if I remember that he's not necessarily angry with me, but more than likely the situation that we are in. If it's something that I can help him with, I will. If not, we deal with it together.

I know there will be those on here who will say that we may never have to face what we fear the most with this disease, but I would rather be prepared (the best that I can) rather than be surprised. It would be a wonderful if this darn disease would surprise us in a good way and left my dh alone for the next 40 or 50 years, but we both know that this will not happen. A girl can dream though...

[Sweetietngirl]

Augustagirl and Teeker... thanks for your posts...
I sometimes feel like I am not STRONG enough to do this forever... My husband is a very kind and gentle man, it sooo hurts my heart to see him struggling to do the things he loved the most.. each day is a new adventure.. or at least that's how I look at it... I do my BEST and forget the REST... He has been diagnosed with MS for almost 2 years now and has tried several different medications, and each affects him differently... He is now on Gilenya...I am grateful to have such a great guy.. but some days are definitely better than others... I love him completely and hope that this new med will help...