It's hurting me to do the right thing

[thisiscrazy183]

I'm trying so very hard to be the perfect christian wife. But I'm in a one-way marriage. My husband is not a christian. Everything is fine until I have ms problems, then I get treated like crap. Like, how dare I bother him by needing him? A good wife wouldn't get sick like that to her husband! He truly makes me feel that way. Half the time I don't even confide in him when I'm having problems which makes me sad because he its my partner but he always brushes me off, rolls his eyes, mocks me or halfway listens.

I think I'd be happier without him in the long run, especially if my ms worsens, and I also know he has it good and it would be his loss, but as a christian, I don't believe in divorce unless he were to physically abuse me or have an affair. He is very much emotionally abusive. He loves tearing me down: mocking me, calling me names, insulting me using my illness as ammo...and with that, I don't know what to do. He won't do counseling because he doesn't think he has any part in our problems.

Every single time I have a flare up, every time I really need him to be there for me, is when he treats me the worst. So feeling vulnerable, sad, depressed, scared and alone...I confide in my husband expecting him to do for me what I would do for him: be there, hold me, say it's ok, give reassurance. Why on earth would he instead choose that time to insult me, hurt me and make matters 100% worse?! I've never understood how he can stand there and say he lives me one minute but then go out of his way to crush my heart the next.

If I were conformed to this society I would've have left him a long time ago. But I'm not, and I'm trying do the right thing and be a
good wife no matter what and make this marriage work!

Thanks for letting me vent.

[502E79]

Dear thisiscrazy183,

I read and reread your post and will try to give some helpful comment.

You didn't say your age (or his) or how long you have been married. Regardless, your husband's childlike behavior could be the result of your MS.

I doubt any woman would marry, knowing her mate was a little boy.

I am an older male and have seen men of all ages who don't have a clue they are being emotionally abusive. I make no excuse for your husband. His annoyance and inability to comfort seems due to non acceptance of your MS in MHO. He isn't mature enough. Not man enough. I'm sorry.

A younger Catholic female friend of mine (non MS or illness), not too many years ago faced problems in her marriage. A very strong younger woman who's husbands attitude (severe mental abuse), was crippling her.

She found strength enough, partly because of her religion or she simply knew in her heart that somewhere inside her husband was the man she married.

She found people who cared, much like the people here.

Through friends and confidences she carried on. She killed him with kindness! Walked away from confrontations, never took the bait. And she prayed for the virtue of discernment....

Took over a year, but he slowly saw what he had. And ever so slowly became the man who promised to cherish her.

I don't know if this would work only that it did in my friend's case.

If he ever lays a hand on you, leave. I am also Catholic, against divorce, but will take God's punishment for my actions... not man's.

And I'll say my own prayers for both of you,

Jer

[Redwings]

Hi thisiscrazy:

Where did you get the idea that allowing one of God's beautiful creatures to be abused -- and sending them back for more -- is "doing the right thing"?

[Rod Ritch]

hey there thisiscrazy,
I agree with 502e79 and Redwings. As a man whose ex accused of emotional abuse, it isn't right. No one deserves that. I don't agree with what I was accused of, but I am sure I had seen it coming. The good thing is the divorce happened before the dx. I couldn't have dealt with it after. So in a way I guess she saved my life.

[jlamiller]

I am so sorry for the situation you are in.....Below I am giving my opinion...I am not a professional.....I am the wife and caregiver of a man who has MS.

I'm trying so very hard to be the perfect christian wife.

There is no such thing as perfection!

I get treated like crap. ...he makes me sad because he its my partner but he always brushes me off, rolls his eyes, mocks me or halfway listens.

He "brushes you off, rolls his eyes, mocks and doesn't listen".....WOW!!!! Doesn't sound like love to me.... He took a vow to "love, honor & cherish in sickness and in health".....Doesn't sound like he is taking care of you physically, mentally or emotionally!!!!

I think I'd be happier without him in the long run...

You said it!

I don't believe in divorce unless he were to physically abuse me or have an affair. He is very much emotionally abusive. He loves tearing me down: mocking me, calling me names, insulting me using my illness as ammo...He won't do counseling because he doesn't think he has any part in our problems.

I don't believe in divorce either, but think there are situations where it is necessary. God doesn't want you in a destructive relationship.....I think emotional and mental abuse is as damaging as physical, if not more damaging!

Every single time I have a flare up, every time I really need him to be there for me, is when he treats me the worst. So feeling vulnerable, sad, depressed, scared and alone...I confide in my husband ..... Why on earth would he choose that time to insult me, hurt me and make matters 100% worse?!

As the partner of someone with MS, I know how scary it is when your spouse is ill, but you absolutely do NOT deserve to be insulted and hurt at a time when you need support, reassurance and help the most! He isn't going to get better and the stress he is causing you is NOT good for your MS!!!

I've never understood how he can stand there and say he loves me one minute but then go out of his way to crush my heart the next.

He can't! Maybe he's scared and he has the right to be. But that doesn't give him the right to lash out at you! He needs to step up and think about how his words & actions are affecting you!

....I'm trying do the right thing and be a good wife no matter what and make this marriage work!

It takes two to make a marriage and it sounds to me like you are in your marriage alone.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I wish you the best!!!!

Lori

[Seasha]

Hi thisiscrazy. I'm so sorry that things have been hard for you. However, and this is just MVHO, I would have left long ago!!! I have "been there, done that" with an verbally abusive husband (pre-dx) and will never ever find myself in that kind of situation. Your husband sounds exactly like my first husband.

Don't you think that God would want you to be happy and whole? Don't you believe that he would still love you if you ever decided to divorce? You are a child of God and are deserving of all the blessings that are awaiting.... You don't deserve this abusive!

MS is hard enough and I agree with others that this isn't right!!

[seeuinct]

thisiscrazy-
I agree with Seasha and the others who posted here.
I too had an emotionally abusive husband. We have two beautiful children. In the end I realized that I could not raise them in such an emotionally defunct environment. We were divorced prior to my dx, and I am so thankful for that.
Now 4 years later, I am with someone who is there for me, holds me and tells me it's going to be ok, and makes dealing with the disease easier- at least emotionally.
No one can tell you what to do...but you have to consider your quality of life- emotional life. If things are not right there, this could really affect you physically in terms of stress. He really could make this worse for you. Take time, talk to God and search for answers to this dilemma.
In the meantime, at the very least, you can go to counseling without him. That way you are making a significant effort to try and work on the things that are not going well in your marriage. You may need to air some of this with someone just to get some perspective.
You do not deserve emotional abuse. You deserve to love and be loved in return. Please remember that.

[buschel]

Seeuinct, how did you do it? Weren't you totally depressed and miserable? I'm worried about that part too. I'm so glad you found someone that we all dream of having with us at our worst times. Instead I get "When's the last time you cooked?" or "What is it that you do all day..."

I'm so incredibly lonely. I try so hard to be good to him and I know I'm not perfect. But he can just be so mean to me and out of the blue. I know that he can't stand me. Not only has he told me but he totally acts like it too. I just don't know why he won't ask for a divorce. It would make it a lot easier on me. I refuse to file, I just won't. I love this man with everything in me. I do believe he and I were made for each other, that God gave us each other.

I appreciate everyone's words and advice. You all have been so helpful. I'm starting Ritalin tomorrow and I'm hoping that will help with this fatigue and subsequently get me out of this funk. If I start feeling better and things still don't start shaping up I guess I'll know in my heart that he is really done and doesn't love me.

[theofficemommie]

Your story has touched my heart deeply, for I too once was yoked to a non-believer. This is not what The Lord wants for us. Please take heart in that The Lord has a plan for us.

When I was first a christian, I was in a very dark place filled with emotional abuse like you. The christian women that knew me gave me a scripture to read and memorize and I still use it today. I don't know if you read the bible, but please read this and take it in the spirit that it is given.

Philppians 4, 6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This is such a comfort me. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

A friend in Christ.