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**kif8skip** · 09-21-2011, 08:08 AM

Good Luck

I hope that you have a good councellor to help with your marriage troubles.....

It is very important to learn to work as a team ( I know YOU know this !) , and for him to understand you have limited energy , not because you don't want to but the well is dry by nights end.

I know I have tried to "push" my SO to do more than he could do , and when he tells me- I have no "spoons" left I am doing my best to accept it as our new reality . It is a learning curve for us both

Hope your first meeting was a good one !

**sunshine008** · 09-21-2011, 01:08 PM

thanks for your kind words. and good luck to you never easy, yet also sounds like typical "guy" thing having to push them.

for us, the counselor and dh were there before me. i was at my therapy appt. i walked in to my husband stating he wanted a divorce to counselor.

so, the counselor said there's not much more i can do for either of you.

my husband does not like my limitations MS has given me, especially in the intimacy regard. he requires more he stated. once a week just isn't enough when i'm having a bad week.

so, we left with no follow up appointment. the counselor said chips have been against you guys from the start with his crazy ex wife always at us. he counseled us before we got married. he said your husband has needs and that's ok, your path is just diff.

wth is all i gotta say. what's wrong with men these days? no offense to any guys here. yet am i wrong? i mean come on.

so, i began school last night online for my psych degree, and i guess since this is what he's chosing and seems as though he'll follow thru i have to figure out what i'm going to do. i have no clue. i think i just need some sleep to figure it out.

**cosake** · 09-21-2011, 02:50 PM

Sorry to hear things haven't worked out in your marriage, but perhaps with less stress, you will be a little bit healthier.

Sounds like you have decided on your path.

Good luck to you.

**tommylee** · 09-21-2011, 03:26 PM

Hey Sunshine, Perhaps I could shed some light about your husband?

To myself, (a man), going without sex is akin to not eating.
Sure we can diet here and there but being put on a forced low calorie diet can make most people cranky???

Add to this feeling of starvation, the constant sense of rejection he may feel?(he can't imagine"not being in the mood") so he feels rejected by you.???

This could make him think..."Heck she does not love me, I may as well move on.???

As men we don't understand, "too tired".
It is more than sex. The intimacy and sex makes us feel at peace and all is well. It makes us feel loved and like everything is going to be ok.
(if you can understand that?)

Your husband works 60-80 hours a week and the first thing he wants to do when he gets a hour or two off is be with you.
Yes he is exhausted, yes he needs to sleep,yes he could probably use a good meal...but number one is to feel loved by you.???

You on the other you hand have your own set of problems and obsticals to deal with.
(raising a children almost alone, feeling crappy all the time,just taking care of life.)

This leaves you so tired and wasted feeling that sex sounds ubsurd and stupid...you want sleep!!!

Can you see the problem?
Is there a moral high ground?

Perhaps you could nap during the day at some time and be awake and available from 11:00 pm to 1:00am a few nights a week?
Sleep from 1:00am -6:00am and be on duty from 6:00am- 8:00am for getting kids to school...Nap from 8:00am - 2:00pm....take care of kids and try to catch another nap before 11:00pm.???

You may not need a divorce at all? Perhaps a schedual (as lame as that sounds) may be what you need?

I am just guessing. I make no claims to know anything. Just a guess.

Good luck. I hope you can work it out.

I know it does not sound romantic but who has that kind of time???
If you can bring yourself to do it; take a nap then do your make up then bop your husbands brains out a couple of times a week... and I bet you have a whole new husband? (you may have some fun too? at least DH may be happy?)

...or I may be full of krap???

**sunshine008** · 09-22-2011, 06:52 AM

cosake thanks

I think for now my main goal has to be getting meds in me and continuing to supply my daughter w/the routine and stability she needs.

Tommy:

lol thanks. i see your point and i do understand for men sex is alot more than the physical act in a marriage. woman and men are so very different. and see your plan is a logical one that you suggested. I did same with my suggestion. when i see a problem whether it be marital or otherwise i sit down and try to logically find answers/solutions/compromises.

he is quite diff. has a real short fuse, a yeller etc. i said tues, wed and thurs i gotta get to bed normal time to do a 6 a.m. rise other nights mond and wed he's off, so there's time there as long as my daughter's in bed at normal time. weekends i dont' care i can sleep in. yet that wasn't good enough for him.

he didnt' want a schedule of sorts. also through the two weeks this has been going on he's made it difficult for me to get my rest. leaving tv on in rm. on spite till 2 a.m. lowered yet on. up all night, sleeps all day on days off doesnt' participate in any family stuff at all. than up all night. i tried to tell him if you keep doing this and i keep averaging 4 hours a night w/my long days i have i'm really asking for issues with my ms. he laughed and said you did it to yourself. spiteful id' say.

i honestly dont' think on a bad week once is a horrible thing. maybe i am wrong. yet it's also the attitude that has presented thru this that slays me and turns me off even more. i know couples that go weeks and mos. without and still maintain.

i think imo it also stems from insecurities he has in this particular area. i'm not a therapist yet, but he spent 18 years in prior marriage to a woman who suddenly one day woke up and said sorry im gay. so if he had done the mental work to work past the issues that lie from that i think one week whereas that occured while i was transitioning my special needs kid back into school and doing a huge med change he would of survived.

just my lengthy thoughts........

anyone is welcome to jump in. this is prob inthe wrong forum here yet i can't be the only one with whom this is a huge prob in their marriage.

**tommylee** · 09-22-2011, 12:57 PM

Originally posted by sunshine008 View Post

he is quite diff. has a real short fuse, a yeller etc.

he didnt' want a schedule of sorts.

also through the two weeks this has been going on he's made it difficult for me to get my rest. leaving tv on in rm. on spite till 2 a.m. lowered yet on. up all night, sleeps all day on days off doesnt' participate in any family stuff at all. than up all night. i tried to tell him if you keep doing this and i keep averaging 4 hours a night w/my long days i have i'm really asking for issues with my ms. he laughed and said you did it to yourself. spiteful id' say.

i think imo it also stems from insecurities he has in this particular area. i'm not a therapist yet, but he spent 18 years in prior marriage to a woman who suddenly one day woke up and said sorry im gay.

Could he be depressed?
1. Having a wife dump you for a woman would be a huge blow to the ego?
2. Having second wife dx with MS is depressing news.
3. He is acting like a self centered butt-head. (a sign of depression.)

Nobody likes a schedule but it beats having no time at all?
I don't like cleaning the bathroom but I hate living in filth so...I clean alot of bathrooms.

We all have to do things we don't want to do. That is life.
If he is not willing to work on your relationship,?. That leaves you making a choice.
A. It's tollerable and you can live with what you have.
B. It is not tollerable and you need to escape.

Sad we can't change other people but that does not mean you are powerless.
You are still in the drivers seat and can decide if you want to stay on the same road or perhaps make a turn?

Living with a "down" person all the time takes a toll on you.
If he is not willing to work together you may have to go it alone.

Could you ask him how long he wants to stay depressed?

It does not sound like it is just a sex issue? Perhaps it is a total lack of relationship between you two? (has life turned into "tasks" that you split up?)

But like I said before- I may be full of krap? I am not an expert on anything at all and have made many mistakes in my life.

**inmoni5** · 09-22-2011, 01:13 PM

@tommylee,

You have fabulous talent in this relationship forum!! Whenever I have issues w/ my H, I always try to remember what you said to me back in March. You make me think about things from the other side...that helps me immensely as I cannot even imagine how you men think. You are a GREAT help!! Thank you for your time and comments!!

**sunshine008** · 09-22-2011, 06:49 PM

Tommy

Hi all good thoughts, and hey we all make mistakes in life it's how we learn.

this has been ongoing. he went to pyschiatrist with whom he stated said theres' nothing wrong w/him, he just has too much on his plate.

it is def. a lack of relationship. he works all the time literally. is only off two days of the week and as of late spends them sleeping. I strongly feel he's depressed, he took an ssri for a while and it made him jumpy so he pulled it.

he doesnt' do anything for him. I have so many interests, he has none. when it comes to sex he is selfish always has been. yet i noticed since we married it heightened incredibly and this is a new marriage just one year.

he's verbally abusive when mad, can't process his emotions and explain how he feels. splitting up tasks? def. he works i do everything else lol. your attitude is a healthy one we all do things in life we dont' want to do it's life. than we have things that are the "sweet" things thats' the pay off in my mind.

anythings workable yet you have to want to put the work in, make the time, and apply logic and at times leave the emotions in a closet.

i returned home today from a long day to a flower delivery with a card that said sorry baby. this is after the man stood in public and in counselor's office stating he wanted a divorce. he texted me he was sorry today yet i didnt' answer.

i told him go online or to a ms support group to learn more. it's enough to deal w/it for me than i have to deal w/his emotions about it.

depressed? yes i agree bigtime. his kids also haven't been here in 2 mos. they were part of our weekly flow here. his ex has alot of issues, always jealous of me so stated she doesnt' want kids around me anymore

**Spydre** · 09-23-2011, 12:20 AM

Okay, addressing two separate people here, so I'll address each one individually.

Tommy: I can also attest to the stress an MS diagnosis brings to a relationship, not to mention a declining sex life. Yes, my husband gets down, and at times gets REALLY frustrated with the sex issue - but he's also learned how to deal with it. When I'm in a flare, depending on my symptoms, it can mean sporadic every couples of weeks, or at one particular flare that started on our anniversary of all days, six weeks of no sex because the nerve pain was so bad I couldn't be touched. BEFORE I was diagnosed with MS, (two teenaged children, been married for, by that time, 14 years) our sex life was once a week. Of course, he said he was always in the mood, but with the issues I already had, he was comfortable with it. Adding in the MS changed that dynamic again....having certain places go numb, flares, etc., have not been conducive to an active sex life. We deal with it.

And yes, my husband has issues with depression, but does not medicate it. Sunshine's husband, in addition to having difficulties with depression, gets about 4 hours of sleep a night, so on his days off (sunshine, this is for you, too) I would imagine he's trying to make up for some sleep....and then by a "normal" bedtime has too much energy to go to sleep, plus his body is wired to go to sleep that late from the other five days a week. However, since both he and Sunshine are home during that time, once he gets up he could take advantage of his time and share time with Sunshine....but he chooses not to.

Sunshine, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. As for the flowers and the card, you have to ask yourself if he's really going to change? And then ask him - will he make an effort to spend time with you on his days off? I know he's stressed by the situation with the kids, (I don't remember if you said he was fighting this or not - legally she can't keep the kids away from him for two months), he also needs to not take his marriage for granted, and not take things out on you. I do agree with Tommy's suggestion of taking a nap midday on some days if you are able to with your school schedule, but I nap during the day on school days, anyway, and sleep in on weekends - it usually adds up to about 10 hours of sleep.

But read through your previous posts, and ask yourself, and ask him if this behavior is really going to change? You were in the process of getting ready to leave him before he asked for the divorce, so you may need to sit down with him and talk things out, maybe getting another appointment with the counselor and explain that he changed his mind, and clear the air if you think he means it. I'm getting the feeling that you don't think he means it that's fine. I have to say, though, I have once told my husband that I wanted a divorce, because I was going through a very bad time period, and was looking at things skewed, but we talked, a LOT over three or four days, and I ended up staying with him rather than separating.

**sunshine008** · 09-24-2011, 09:27 PM

hi sorry didnt' return to this thread.....

Spydre prob didnt' spell that right. yes all excellent points you make. I was def. putting myself in position and will continue to. I've learned that whether happily married or not I like to know I can take care of me. I've been so dependent on him financially since we've married. it makes me feel better knowing I can take care of me.

Will he ever change? no i dont think so. I'd be happy with him reverting back to the way he was before. It wasnt' perfect yet it worked. I'm not ready to fly solo he knows this. He offered to go to marriage counseling, and to get himself into therapy again.

We always talk alot it seems, hours on end w/o change. so i think this time has to be less him and i talking and more action to making progress. if that's what should happen.

kid issue is rough. i dont' get it to be honest, if it were me id' be in court the next day. i think he thought initially it would pass. he had his lawyer send a ltr. to her asking her to comply. she laughed at it. than kids began saying to him on phone they didn't want to come over. mom has totally brain washed them. we lost alot here, i did themed dinner nights w/them, taco night, movie night, game night. they were part of our flow each week. such is life

**sunshine008** · 10-01-2011, 10:51 PM

well figured id' update as the stomach turns in my marriage.

we have sought out another marriage counselor, an older woman who has been doing it for 30 years.

well idk the long term effects, it's brand new yet i'll say this. so far so good.

she sat before my husband and said you have zero respect for your wife who also has MS. the way you even discuss sex is not right. you will never find another woman with an ounce of a brain cell with the way in which you handle yourself regarding sex. LOL. what can i say? i heard the angels sing from above ..............

she called me out on my stuff too. since than he's been different in regards to that topic. i want to sleep i sleep. he lets me, even gets my meds ready for me. I in turn have made time for him that is not 3 a.m. time.

solutions are beginning to form, yet we're onto our next appointment and we'll see how it shakes out.

she's blunt holds nothing back and i love that.

**cosake** · 10-02-2011, 10:42 AM

Thanks for the update, Sunshine.

Sounds like you are on a better path right now than you have been. I hope that the counseling works out for you both.

**Skinny** · 10-02-2011, 08:49 PM

Gosh sounds like I am not the only one going though marrage problems and poss divorce due to MS.

My husband and I havent had sex in 4 mo. I would love to be touched in that way. He says he is under too much stress. That he is in "servival mode'? and isnt even thinking about sex. I cant help but wonder if me needing a wheelchair or walker somedays turns him off?

He is 50 and I am 34 I want and need sex but NOPE!

and he puts be down almost every chance he gets too. I dont think I can raise two kids on my own and go though a divorce and move and so on. But I guess if I have no choice I have to do it... anyway sorry I vented...
I hope you and your Hubby work it out and get stronger from all of this. Its wonderful you found a great lady to help you guys.
Sounds like your hubby like mine has a ton to learn about MS... Maybe there afraid to learn? maybe they cant find or make the time? I dont know. I really just dont know... My heart is broken along with my body so I do know how you feel hun. Take care..

**sunshine008** · 10-08-2011, 10:56 PM

cosake thanks......

things are forever changing with him and his behaviors. after appt 2 he reverted back to his same ole' stuff.

Jessy I think it's really scary to have what we have and to think about going it alone financially emotionally its downright scary. I know i feel it too.

Yet i think we have to look and it and flip it and say ok i have this thing..... SUCKS.... and now we realize the importance of each day and of living it the right way a way in which most of the time we are happy. make sense???

they say staying in a loveless unhappy marriage is felt by kids anyway. i think the one thing that saves us here is he literally is never home and always at work. are you able to walk etc still??

Announcement

marriage counseling begins tmrw.

marriage counseling begins tmrw.

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