I'm dating - what to tell these people?

[Number8]

I'm on match.com and so far it's been fun. When is it normal to tell them I have MS? My sister tells me I should tell them on the first date and if I don't it looks like I'm hiding something. I feel more inclined to wait till the third date - I'd know them better and the one date only people don't need to know.

Where it gets sticky, real sticky, is when they ask me what I do for a living. I'm actually on disability but do various things part-time. So when I don't want to disclose MS I talk about the part-time jobs like they're my full income. I'd like to make that happen eventually, anyway.

I was diagnosed 8 years ago and one of the few things that has made MS bearable is having control over who knows and who doesn't. And this - this has been troubling enough to make me want to quit dating entirely.

On one date the guy's friend was there and didn't believe my story about my job. He grilled me incessantly but I didn't give it up. It was only the 2nd date and I wasn't even on it with him! It was miserable.

I just feel like my health issues are very private; I'm not "ashamed" per se. I am an open book on virtually every other topic!! : )

[workinmammaof2]

I say take it as it comes. Don't make hard rules about when you are going to tell. If you find someone you are comfortable with on date 1or 2...thell them! Observing the reaction will likely be very valuable. Seems like more work to "defend" your part time jobs without disclosing...though sounds like the one guy's buddy was a bit of a jerk!

Good luck!

[andeolus]

I think it's something that would naturally come about in the course of a relationship and it'll "feel" right when you should tell. Telling someone on the first date might be such a big issue that it could ruin the date or any chance of a connection. I'd let it play out a few dates then talk about it when you're comfortable.

[WACVet]

I feel it's on a need to know basis.... if you are directly asked about medical conditions, you need to be honest. If, the dating looks like it's going to turn into a relationship, then you need to tell him/her.

I met one Gentleman, we had a lovely lunch together, but wanted to continue the conversation. I invited him to my home, nothing more, just conversation. We talked for a bit, then he questioned me concerning the handicap plate on my car. I explained I was a disabled Veteran and that I had MS. OMG, you would have thought that MS could be caught via breathing the same air as me! He ran out of my house so fast, all I could do was crack up laughing!

[nightflyer]

During the first date is probably a date-ender...or first date==last date. You might as well have disclosed it on the website...to the same end. If there is no "emotional investment" at all when you disclose it they will probably run far...run fast. Things like that, (M.S.), scare people...most know nothing about it. But, if they like you...had fun on the previous date...had time to think "what if?" then your chance of another date increases. Just sayin.

[Jules A]

Dang am I ever going to be in the majority?

Personally I think it should be on your profile or at the very least disability as your occupation. I'm sorry but to me serious health issues are a deal breaker and "getting to know" someone under the impression that they are healthy would make me feel like I was sold a bill of goods.

I can understand why you don't want the whole world to know but if you are hoping to build a relationship with someone I don't think starting out with a secret of this magnitude is fair.

Disclose sooner rather than later I guess and realize that you are weeding out the boys from the men or vice/versa.

[Lendi]

I'd say go with your instinct and like mshizzy says don't make rules. Tell when it feels right. No need to go into all of it if you know right off that the relationship isn't going anywhere. If you have an immediate connection tell what you're comfortable with.

[Deer In Headlights]

There is no option!

YES, tell him or her. Get the ship out in the open so you don't have to worry if you told them or not.

Your life will be easier. I thought that it was funny when WACVet's date left running for the door.

Not in the dating scene, married 16 years and 4 children.

[Hartzmom2]

I am in the same boat, and I disclose it right away! if they cant handle it then, then i figure, how will they handle me if i have a relapse....

Everyone is different tho

Good luck looking for Mr Right!!

[Number8]

Wow, thanks all! During a first date there's limited time and it's like, yeah, I can explain this, but with all the questions people tend to have, the MS conversation could end up taking a rather long time. When there are other cool things about me that I could also be sharing, not to mention giving them time to talk!

Perhaps I'll work on my MS spiel. It made me who I am but in a good way. I'm tougher, I'm not afraid of challenges, I'm more willing to take risks, and I don't hesitate to go after what I want. When life gets tough, I don't even stop to feel sad - I throw myself into finding a solution. I have an unshake-able belief in my ability to make things happen.

It's just....I'm glad that jerk didn't get to hear my awesome story. He didn't deserve to. So there lies my instinct to get to know people first......do they even deserve to know, some of them? I like to feel them out first.

[Shashi]

I agree with Jules. Put it in your profile, not necessarily that you have MS, but that you're disabled, but still functional or that you have a chronic illness. Then you'll know if that the guys who are responding are genuine and not superficial and shallow and you'll be more comfortable on that first date knowing that the truth is out and you don't have to worry about when and how to tell him. That's what I would do, anyway.

I met my husband on Match.com. But for me, that's not a good thing! We were married four years and have been separated for a year and a half. Be careful. They're often not the people they portray themselves to be.

[whatismyname]

i vote a few dates in. what business of it of theirs what your health problems are? actually, if you plan to marry them on the first date, then yea, you should probably tell them. you are lucky to be on disability w/o it showing that you have one. why tell the world? take your time. respect them enough to give them the whole picture once it looks like it could be going somewhere.

some people like to date just to get out and meet people. no need to tell people on the first date. at all.

[MrsBones]

Dang am I ever going to be in the majority?

Personally I think it should be on your profile or at the very least disability as your occupation. I'm sorry but to me serious health issues are a deal breaker and "getting to know" someone under the impression that they are healthy would make me feel like I was sold a bill of goods.

One word: devotee

Just sayin'

To each his own I say, but I don't want someone to be repelled for the sole reason I am disabled and I don't want to be found sexually attractive solely because I have a disability either.

Not to mention saying you have a disability online, to men you don't know, can't verify who they actually are and you're potentially meeting for a date, paints a target on your back. Any nut determined to hurt someone in some way will look for an easy victim, "disabled" screams vulnerable to many.

I'm sure the vast majority are perfectly normal guys, but why ask for trouble?

When should you tell a person? I think it's different for each person you're considering telling. I tell most people I meet up with eventually. Do I tell them on the first meeting? Maybe, usually not. I tell them when I feel the time is right. Some people don't need to know. It's not as if it's a big secret. They just don't need to know. My UPS guy knows I use a wheelchair, but does he know I have MS? No. Let's face it, IDK about you, but there was more than one guy I dated that I liked less than I like my UPS guy.

I just tell people that matter and to me that doesn't necessarily mean people on a dating website or people I'm on my first date with. If you feel the need to, by all means tell them. That's probably the time to tell, if you ask me. Maybe you'll feel like telling on your first date, maybe the third and maybe you'll ditch the guy before you ever tell him.

[WACVet]

I'm sorry, but I totally disagree with putting it in your profile that you are disabled! There are way too many predators out there and putting it out there that you are disabled is a security risk!

I learned not to put too much information on such sites. I happen to be a disabled Veteran, and believe it or not, there are many men and women out there that know the benefits that can come to someone married to a disabled Veteran. I just got out of a relationship with such a person. He wasn't aware, at first, but once he learned, OMG, he pushed marriage soooooooooo hard!!

Dating today is very risky, please be careful!!

[andeolus]

One word: devotee

Just sayin'

To each his own I say, but I don't want someone to be repelled for the sole reason I am disabled and I don't want to be found sexually attractive solely because I have a disability either.

Not to mention saying you have a disability online, to men you don't know, can't verify who they actually are and you're potentially meeting for a date, paints a target on your back. Any nut determined to hurt someone in some way will look for an easy victim, "disabled" screams vulnerable to many.

I'm sure the vast majority are perfectly normal guys, but why ask for trouble?

When should you tell a person? I think it's different for each person you're considering telling. I tell most people I meet up with eventually. Do I tell them on the first meeting? Maybe, usually not. I tell them when I feel the time is right. Some people don't need to know. It's not as if it's a big secret. They just don't need to know. My UPS guy knows I use a wheelchair, but does he know I have MS? No. Let's face it, IDK about you, but there was more than one guy I dated that I liked less than I like my UPS guy.

I just tell people that matter and to me that doesn't necessarily mean people on a dating website or people I'm on my first date with. If you feel the need to, by all means tell them. That's probably the time to tell, if you ask me. Maybe you'll feel like telling on your first date, maybe the third and maybe you'll ditch the guy before you ever tell him.

Ugh, I completely forgot about *that* subsection of the dating pool. My aunt is a double amputee and when she was dating, those folks came out of the woodwork trying to date her and pay for her to fly out to meet and greets. All very strange imho.

I think the same kinds of "rules" apply to disclosing MS as it does to any other personal information: what your level of comfort is. I'm an extremely fussy eater, that usually came out on a first date because it was odd watching me place an order. But I wouldn't feel a burning need to tell someone I just met that I'm a terrible singer who sings terrible songs that I made up on the fly or that I snore so loudly sometimes I wake MYSELF up.

Ultimately, you just have to do what you feel comfortable with. No one wants to see you be victimized or taken advantage of and I absolutely agree with the other posters that putting that information in your profile might be inviting the kind of trouble you'd want to avoid.Be careful, be safe, follow your own gut about what your own comfort level is. Your instincts will usually help you decide who you can trust with your diagnosis and who you can't.