I feel lost, alone and have no idea what I should do or what my life holds for me.

[SusieH]

I am 44 years old, married for 26 with two grown children 25 & 23 years old. Yay we are young empty nesters who should be enjoying life.

I have had RR MS for 17 years; it took 3 years to diagnose so effectively I have lived with MS for 20 of the 26 years I have been married. I have always worked full-time 40 + hours a week and when the kids were young; I was the best soccer mom I could be to both my son and daughter. I even took my daughter to Italy so she could play with her travel team and have as many good experiences as possible.

September 12, 2014 I was in a really bad car accident. I had to be cut out of the car because the front end of my Mustang was under a tractor trailer! Everyone who saw the accident and what was left of my car said it was truly a miracle that I was alive. The accident left me with a totaled car, 8 broken ribs and a collapsed lung. I was in the hospital for 12 days and considering what I went though, I was in really good shape. I didn’t really experience a MS flare, even from all the stress I was under and went back to working full-time again in December. All these years living with MS, I have had optic neuritis early on once, I struggle with depression and fatigue, balance issues and mild pain but that is really pretty much it for the most part. I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I think I have done amazingly well all things considered.

Oh yeah, I also live in South FL and have to deal with the heat pretty much 24/7.

The last few years my fatigue, sensitivity to heat has increased as well as the depression. I am assuming the depression because sometime I feel so incredibly tired (that is not even an accurate word), it is so bad that when I get out of bed in the morning the first thing I think is “I can’t wait until I get home so I can go back to bed”. But I go have breakfast and take my meds, vitamins, drink a lot of coffee and go to work. When Friday evening finally rolls around I am so whipped out!

Sex … are you kidding me?! I don’t even feel like brushing my teeth most of the time!

When I meet my husband I was 100 lbs. soaking wet and at 5’5 I was thin. All my friends in High School hated me because I could eat anything, not exercise and not gain weight. After two kids, not a lot of exercise (still hate it) I am about 125 lbs. and 5’5. Not huge by any means but I could defiantly firm up. It feels like everything as fallen and can't get up!

EVERTHING with my husband has gotten really really bad lately!

Some of the things he has told me are hard to digest. “I’m chunky and he is not attracted to chunky, he married a skinny girl”. “After the accident I was given a second chance, but I haven’t done anything and nothing has changed”. “I am a burden and have been for years and everything I say is just an excuse.” He thinks I have just “given up on life”. “We are two completely different people than we were and my idea of fun and his are different now”. He thinks “I am always sick, tired and never feel good, but if I would just eat better and exercise everything would be better”.

Note … I eat pretty good! I don’t even remember the last time (maybe when the kids were young) that I had any type of fast food, I eat fish probably 3 times a week and then chicken and maybe a steak once in a while and always with veggies and or a salad. No soda … I don’t buy chips, candy, ice cream or other junk food! Sorry I like my pasta and bread!

And now he tells me things like “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this”, “It’s been 26 years of hell” and my favorite … “Maybe it would have been better if the truck got you”.

[KatW]

Hi Susie H,

Sounds like things are rough right now. I'd say your weight is not the problem.

Your husband should not be saying such hurtful things.

Have you considered trying an antidepressant? It may make you feel better and then you can respond to the negative things being said to you. You may even want to try counseling. I've found in the past that it helped me put things in perspective and set some ground rules for the relationship.

I hope things get better very soon. Please keep us updated.

[Temagami]

Oh my- sorry that you are in this phase, and I am hoping it is a phase, with your spouse.
125 at 5´5" is NOT chubby. Check out the BMI and you will see.

As much as you love your pasta- you may feel better without it- are you will to try a few weeks of gluten free?

Even without MS, you and your spouse would have to face the empty nest- hard to know what is causing him to snipe. The comment about the truck, well that is disconcerting.

You have been given a second chance, what will you do for YOU? No need to be snippy with your spouse, go ahead and focus on you.

[JerryD]

You are plowing a tough row and it seems that your spouse has reached a really difficult place. I know this feeling, all too well. It is difficult for our spouses to learn to cope without blaming us for making their lives change. For myself, I don't know what to do about this. I hope you can work it out for yourself and your spouse. Good luck

[hunterd]

WELCOME TO MSWORLD SUSIE!! You are never I repeat never, alone here. We will always be here for you.

That is so very wrong of your husband to say about the accident. I am so angry with him for you. I am going through the same issues with my marriage, so I do not have any words of wisdom.

I do like the suggestion of an antidepressant. You may also want to mention the fatigue to your neurologist, there are things they can prescribe for you that will help. I myself take Provigil and that does wonders.

I wish you the best of luck with everything.

[SusieH]

Meds, meds, meds

I was on Prozac for years, then switched to Effexor. I also take Fiorucet for headaches and Adderall to give me a wake-up boost and if course Tecfidera which is new for me. All in addition to a handful of vitamins and other supplements.

Both my husband and my daughter have told me numerous times, I should not be depressed and I should not be taking any pills to make me feel better. Once again, I should exercise and eat better and I wouldn't have to take any medication.

Yes I know that some form of exercise is good for me, but after working all day I am lucky I can take care of the house, dogs and eat!

Overall I feel good and I'm happy with who I am and what I do. I very rarely eat pasta, potatoes and have a few slices of bread for a lunch sandwich.

I just am really really REALLY sick of the advice and stupid comments from my husband.

I take advice from my neurologist!

[loopey]

Don't Blame Yourself

I hope that I am not misunderstanding but it sounds like you are almost blaming yourself for your husbands horrible statements. I thought this because you explained that you didn't eat too much pasta or bread. At 125 pounds you need not worry about what you eat except for being healthy. I personally would not stay with someone who could be so cruel to me. The stress that would cause would be more than I could bear. I would suggest counseling if you really want to save your marriage but from his awful, awful statements it doesn't seem like he would go.

I know that it is easy to say "I'd rather be alone" but my husband of 30 years was cruel, mean and I finally left him. Everyone is different, of course, but please try to think of yourself first and not accept mean, nasty comments from anyone.

[SusieH]

I am afraid to be alone

[QUOTE=loopey;1476973]I hope that I am not misunderstanding but it sounds like you are almost blaming yourself for your husbands horrible statements.

Sometimes I do blame myself and I am afraid to be alone.

I blame myself I guess because I am apparently not the "fun" person he married. Maybe if I tried harder like he says I should??

I am afraid to be alone; I mean who would want to be with someone who "thought sex was a chore" and "acts like a cold fish".

Maybe I just try to hang on to my marriage because I always wanted that happy ever after. At this point I'm not to sure I really do deep down love him?

I don't know if I can try and start something with someone as a 45 year old women who is damaged merchandise?

[Mamabug]

Maybe, at this point, you need to concentrate on "you" and not so much on your husband or your marriage. That isn't really the way I wanted to word it, so I'll try to explain what I mean.

I suspect that your self-esteem has been affected by your weight gain and by your disability. I could be just projecting, but I certainly went through that with myself. I married at 105 lbs, 5'4", and twenty-five years later, following eight years with MS and many steroids to treat MS flares, I was up to 185 lbs.

My marriage had been through the wringer, mostly due to annual or bi-annual bouts of manic that were secondary to my MS flares. The manic flare of 2010 was the worst.

Finally, about six months after that, I decided, due to two upcoming events (a 30-year reunion, and my daughter's wedding), that I did not wish to be obese at these two events. I took a year to meticulously work at strategies to lose weight and lost 60 pounds.

My health improved; my appearance improved; my marriage improved. Even though I did it for myself, and not for my husband or my marriage. We'd also been through lots of counselling, which added to the likelihood that marriage would improve. It is still not perfect. But, much better. And, my self-esteem, following weight loss, boomeranged. I updated my glasses frames; I began to dye my hair to get rid of the aging grey look. People tell me that I look ten years younger since I lost weight.

So, what I'm suggesting is that you work on "yourself". Whatever it is that you need to improve self-esteem. Doesn't need to be weight loss, if that isn't where you wish to focus. Can be cultivating a hobby, or friendships with other female friends (I started a monthly movie night at home, where 4 of us get together for a DVD at my house), a new hair-do, or regular manicures and pedicures, a new wardrobe (or, one or two new outfits that look good on you and make you feel good to be seen in), a connection with an affirming church family, additional symptom management for your MS. Whatever.

Just be good to yourself. Maybe other things will fall into place.

[loopey]

YOU aren't the problem

Like I said before, this is different for everyone. I was 51 when I left my husband after 30 years of marriage and it was hard! I still DID love him but I realized that I had to love myself more and not let anyone be as mean and cruel to me as he was. I have since married again and though I have MS, I don't let myself think that I am "damaged merchandise".

It is really, really hard on the spouse of the MS'er. I know. But cruelty isn't the appropriate behavior. It is clearly hurting you. Life is short and has it's ups and downs but the problem isn't just you. It is a two way street. Do as much as you can to improve the situation but your husband has to meet you half way. Do not take ALL the blame! Be kind to yourself and even a little selfish when you have to be.

I wish you well. I know how difficult this is.

[Perennialz]

Hate to break the news to your spouse, but we're not mannequins!
Not to mention the Rx meds like methylprednisolone , prednisone, and other forms of steroid which causes weight gain to help fight MS causes weight gain, or even complications from the MS itself.
Putting up with MS is bad enough, but those remarks you stated are shallow and unkind, and obviously un-empathetic imo.

[SusieH]

Thank you to everyone!!

You have been given a second chance, what will you do for YOU? No need to be snippy with your spouse, go ahead and focus on you.[/QUOTE]

That is the 1 million dollar question! What will I do for myself???

I am in a very good position and I know a lot of people can't say that.

I have a good job that I have been at for over 12 years; they know about my MS and have been very supportive and were wonderful when I had my accident. I make more than enough money for one person to live a comfortable life.

I have good friends that are supportive of me. I just need to dig deep and figure out what I want in life and make it happen!

[Temagami]

Does your family realize that MS can be an organic cause of depression as a result of the goings on in the brain? Check out the Australian MS website- it has a GREAT brochure directed to family members for explaining MS.

It is known that hurtful comments light up the SAME part of the brain that registers physical pain. I tell students this so that they KNOW that hurtful comments literally hurt. Your h needs to know this too.

It´s ok to have a boundary that protects your emotional self.

[Belair747]

You are not alone! I understand.

Hi, This is the only place I can come to talk about MS. I was diagnosed in 2012, told I've had RR MS many years. Since then my family doesn't give me the time of day. My daughter stopped visiting me, and tells me I am annoying. If I ever say anything about my symptoms , well they say I'm whining. I've cried my eyes out for 2 years now, and try never to say anything about my symptoms. Well now I am packing my belongings and moving away from my family and starting a new life. This may sound extreme but I just can't take the hurtful things they say anymore. I sold my house, moving to a sunny place and buying a cute little dream house. I still make friend easily where ever I go. Sending a huge hug to all

[palmtree]

Th empty nest with this guy sounds like a haunted house. You are 5'5" and 125 lb. THAT IS NOT OVERWEIGHT! You could turn yourself into a pretzel trying to please him.

You eat healthily, you work, you are doing your best which is pretty darn good I think.

I just moved up to Montana to get out of the heat. It has worked wonders for my symptoms. Do you have a job that could be done by telecommuting?
I would put my ducks in a row towards leaving him. If he doesn't change his tune at the I prospect of losing you, he is going to lose you.