The saddest person you will ever meet...
My story I a very long and tragic tale of failure. I don’t know if anyone will take the time to read it but here it goes.
I was diagnosed with MS in 2012 but my tale begins a few years before that.
In 2006 I met a man that would change my life forever, but not in a good way. I thought he was the man of my dreams, but he was every nightmare I had rolled up in one. This man told me he had testicular cancer and couldn’t have kids. This was great for me. I never wanted kids, I just wanted to begin my career, have a stable job with insurance and paid vacation time. I had that job, I loved it! Then it all came crashing down. I became pregnant . I was devastated, I didn’t want a child. I wanted my career. The pregnancy failed at 6 weeks, I was more relieved and sad. Feeling this way made me depressed. How could I be happy about the failure of an unwanted pregnancy?
For reasons that are still unclear to me I stayed with this horrible man and later married him. Again, I became pregnant…I was once again devastated. The second pregnancy was horrible. I was sick everyday and extremely tired. At week 14 I lost my 2nd pregnancy. I failed, I tried and once again failed to accomplish the task that millions of women do every day. I began to feel more and more like a failure and more and more exhausted. The exhaustion took over, I was calling into work, and I was depressed.
My boss put me on medical leave…it broke my heart to leave my job I loved so much. Next my husband has a heart attack at age 33. (He was a heavy smoker.) I couldn’t go to the hospital I just lost my daughter there…I couldn’t risk being there I was sure my presence would cause another death. My mental state was not good. I stayed confused and tired. Everyone thought I was faking being tired. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't explain anything. I was SO confused…too much was happening. I didn’t have anyone to ask for support.
I slept through my husbands double bypass surgery. He felt that was unforgivable. I felt horrible about myself, i was once again a failure. He lied to me about so much and I stayed with him but he thought what I did was unforgivable. All of my friends stopped talking to me. They didn’t ask me what was going on everyone saw me as the worst person in the world. The person that abandoned he husband.
So I am out of friends, everyone took my ex-husbands side. My parents want nothing to do with me because I married outside of their religion and then became divorced. So I going through a divorce and then my dog was diagnosed with cancer (2009). I pour all my money into saving my dog. He is my last friend.
Then an old friend comes around. I think she is a true friend. but I was fooled. She just used me for drug money. When my money ran out so did she. I asked her to please be there when I lost my dog but she wasn’t able. It was too early in the morning for her. So, that was the last friendship I tried to build. Why waste my effort on the impossible. no one could ever like me.
Now, I have two failed pregnancies, my husband had a heart attack and is filing for divorce (2009), my best friend is using me for money, my parents broke all contact with me because I don’t worship their god. My brothers, their wives and my niece are all gone in an instant. My dog has cancer and has to go once a week for treatment. All my friends have sided with my ex-husband. I go to a therapist once a week and waste $40 she tells me I need to be in a hospital environment. I can’t do that, who will take care of my dog or my cats?
My dog passes away and no one is there for me. No one to give me a hug, no one to cry with me, no shoulder to lean on…everyone is gone. Therapist refuses to see me again unless I check myself into a hospital. I refuse because who will take care of my cats? She drops me as a client but assures me she will stay in contact. She doesn’t. If a medical professional can’t be trusted who can?
Now I am depressed alone and the summer of 2010 brings extreme balance problems. I am dizzy, I am extremely confused… I am dealing with an attorney but I can’t remember anything. I am angry my husband is doing this to me. I don’t know My balance improves, my energy kind of returns. I move into a new place in 2010.
I have a new BF. He is really nice and we have a lot in common. 2011 comes on with a vengeance, I am exhausted all the time, I am dizzy. I figure it must be a blood sugar thing. (I stopped eating while I was going through the divorce. ) My doctor sent me to physical therapy to help with “feeling like I was in a boat”. I did that for a while then had an MRI done. After the MRI I got the call not to back to physical therapy it was probably MS.
I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist. He did a lumbar puncture and it showed I did have MS. I was devastated (2012). What the heck is MS and why do I have it? I reached out to my parents and my mother called me “depressing” and didn’t want to talk to me again because I don‘t believe in their god. Why would she do that? My own mother turned her back on me. My father, they all want nothing to do with me.
I decided not to go on DMM’s in the beginning. I kept thinking why? Who would care? I researched MS a little and found out it probably wouldn’t kill me very fast. So I tried to speed up the process and I tried to kill myself and failed twice. Why was I given this crummy life? No one wants to be friends with a sick girl. I have proof. No one wants to be around a depressed person either. I have proof of that two. I developed agoraphobia and extreme social anxiety. I can’t go to the store without thinking everyone is watching me and laughing at me. So going to any group, anything, is not possible for me. I can’t afford the co-pay for a therapist. I don’t know what to do.
So now I am completely alone with the exception of a BF that doesn’t like displaying any affection . Feels very lonely. I try to talk to him and he just says “I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re going through.”
I decided to start taking Tecfidera, (2014) I haven’t had any major side effects but I ask myself. Why am I taking this stuff? It isn’t going to help me feel better. It may help me keep my independence....it may not...
I question why I wake up everyday…I don’t care about me, no one else does so why should I wake up? I don’t want to wake up anymore.
So that is me, the saddest person you will ever meet…
lyssa_doo ~ WE care about you! Anyone contemplating suicide, even if only for an instant, should call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 Professionals that can help are available 24/7. PLEASE call! It's free and 100% confidential
I was diagnosed with MS in 2012 but my tale begins a few years before that.
In 2006 I met a man that would change my life forever, but not in a good way. I thought he was the man of my dreams, but he was every nightmare I had rolled up in one. This man told me he had testicular cancer and couldn’t have kids. This was great for me. I never wanted kids, I just wanted to begin my career, have a stable job with insurance and paid vacation time. I had that job, I loved it! Then it all came crashing down. I became pregnant . I was devastated, I didn’t want a child. I wanted my career. The pregnancy failed at 6 weeks, I was more relieved and sad. Feeling this way made me depressed. How could I be happy about the failure of an unwanted pregnancy?
For reasons that are still unclear to me I stayed with this horrible man and later married him. Again, I became pregnant…I was once again devastated. The second pregnancy was horrible. I was sick everyday and extremely tired. At week 14 I lost my 2nd pregnancy. I failed, I tried and once again failed to accomplish the task that millions of women do every day. I began to feel more and more like a failure and more and more exhausted. The exhaustion took over, I was calling into work, and I was depressed.
My boss put me on medical leave…it broke my heart to leave my job I loved so much. Next my husband has a heart attack at age 33. (He was a heavy smoker.) I couldn’t go to the hospital I just lost my daughter there…I couldn’t risk being there I was sure my presence would cause another death. My mental state was not good. I stayed confused and tired. Everyone thought I was faking being tired. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't explain anything. I was SO confused…too much was happening. I didn’t have anyone to ask for support.
I slept through my husbands double bypass surgery. He felt that was unforgivable. I felt horrible about myself, i was once again a failure. He lied to me about so much and I stayed with him but he thought what I did was unforgivable. All of my friends stopped talking to me. They didn’t ask me what was going on everyone saw me as the worst person in the world. The person that abandoned he husband.
So I am out of friends, everyone took my ex-husbands side. My parents want nothing to do with me because I married outside of their religion and then became divorced. So I going through a divorce and then my dog was diagnosed with cancer (2009). I pour all my money into saving my dog. He is my last friend.
Then an old friend comes around. I think she is a true friend. but I was fooled. She just used me for drug money. When my money ran out so did she. I asked her to please be there when I lost my dog but she wasn’t able. It was too early in the morning for her. So, that was the last friendship I tried to build. Why waste my effort on the impossible. no one could ever like me.
Now, I have two failed pregnancies, my husband had a heart attack and is filing for divorce (2009), my best friend is using me for money, my parents broke all contact with me because I don’t worship their god. My brothers, their wives and my niece are all gone in an instant. My dog has cancer and has to go once a week for treatment. All my friends have sided with my ex-husband. I go to a therapist once a week and waste $40 she tells me I need to be in a hospital environment. I can’t do that, who will take care of my dog or my cats?
My dog passes away and no one is there for me. No one to give me a hug, no one to cry with me, no shoulder to lean on…everyone is gone. Therapist refuses to see me again unless I check myself into a hospital. I refuse because who will take care of my cats? She drops me as a client but assures me she will stay in contact. She doesn’t. If a medical professional can’t be trusted who can?
Now I am depressed alone and the summer of 2010 brings extreme balance problems. I am dizzy, I am extremely confused… I am dealing with an attorney but I can’t remember anything. I am angry my husband is doing this to me. I don’t know My balance improves, my energy kind of returns. I move into a new place in 2010.
I have a new BF. He is really nice and we have a lot in common. 2011 comes on with a vengeance, I am exhausted all the time, I am dizzy. I figure it must be a blood sugar thing. (I stopped eating while I was going through the divorce. ) My doctor sent me to physical therapy to help with “feeling like I was in a boat”. I did that for a while then had an MRI done. After the MRI I got the call not to back to physical therapy it was probably MS.
I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist. He did a lumbar puncture and it showed I did have MS. I was devastated (2012). What the heck is MS and why do I have it? I reached out to my parents and my mother called me “depressing” and didn’t want to talk to me again because I don‘t believe in their god. Why would she do that? My own mother turned her back on me. My father, they all want nothing to do with me.
I decided not to go on DMM’s in the beginning. I kept thinking why? Who would care? I researched MS a little and found out it probably wouldn’t kill me very fast. So I tried to speed up the process and I tried to kill myself and failed twice. Why was I given this crummy life? No one wants to be friends with a sick girl. I have proof. No one wants to be around a depressed person either. I have proof of that two. I developed agoraphobia and extreme social anxiety. I can’t go to the store without thinking everyone is watching me and laughing at me. So going to any group, anything, is not possible for me. I can’t afford the co-pay for a therapist. I don’t know what to do.
So now I am completely alone with the exception of a BF that doesn’t like displaying any affection . Feels very lonely. I try to talk to him and he just says “I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re going through.”
I decided to start taking Tecfidera, (2014) I haven’t had any major side effects but I ask myself. Why am I taking this stuff? It isn’t going to help me feel better. It may help me keep my independence....it may not...
I question why I wake up everyday…I don’t care about me, no one else does so why should I wake up? I don’t want to wake up anymore.
So that is me, the saddest person you will ever meet…
lyssa_doo ~ WE care about you! Anyone contemplating suicide, even if only for an instant, should call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 Professionals that can help are available 24/7. PLEASE call! It's free and 100% confidential
This is a wonderful site full of many caring, compassionate, and knowledgeable members. It's also the place so many of turn to not only for information, but support from those who really do "get it." Like HuntOP said, no one can truly understand what it's like to live with MS unless they have it, too. Feeling isolated and alone with MS, unfortunately, is not all that uncommon. 
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