Wisdom from the innocence of youth....

[New normal]

Today I listened to a nineteen yr old young man who leaves for a two year assignment in Chili in two days.....he spoke of humility...defined as the strength to recognize one's talents and to use them in the service of others.....

The gifts given to us are not meant to dominate or intimidate others....but to uplift and magnify people....he spoke with a confidence seldom seen..nevertheless in a young man..one who distinctly is aware of his strengths and specifically knew how to use them for the betterment of others.

"Criticism never improves anyone," he said...."acceptance, tolerance, and love are the tools that build individuals."

Ahhhh, such wisdom....and it "hit" me stronger than most messages.... I was holding my right arm to restrain the tremors, had "double dipped" with the gabapentin and Valium to keep my right leg in control, left the cane in the car because of pride, sat close to my husband to shield the tremulous acitivity, and avoided speaking with others because of my newly acquired stammer.

I quickly reviewed my last 10 years...I neglected the talents provided me....for more selfish reasons than I can list at one time....unfortunately, still in my memory bank......so many opportunities lost because of my complacency, apathy, and self indulgence.

The previous evening I had hosted a farewell event for this young man and his family...but lasted less than 10 minutes before I HAD to retreat to the bedroom, trying to calm the tremors. I SO wanted to be part of the event, use my innately given talents to make certain the guests were enjoying themselves...make the event special...and I was silenced by this disease process...silenced into a darkened room, struggling against the fatigue, the trembling legs, and questioning how this all occurred in 14 months time. I went into a deep sleep...awakened at 2 am to a quiet, empty house......and an empty feeling of disappointment --had missed the entire event.

HOWEVER, today as I listened to his comments regarding our "talents" I brushed away the first reactions of regret, sadness, and self pity for my losses....instead I realized that maybe my legacy to my posterity is not what I did with the natural talents given to me from the beginning......but more importantly, what I do WITHOUT them.

Hmmmm, I was known for speaking....now, I am compromised with stammers, halting speech, cognitive lapses...I was known for energetic dynamic presentations.....now I cannot physically endure it or keep focused.....I was known for humor.....now I have to breach my own depression...I cannot banter and spar verbally...instead, I refrain from joining the conversations.

Physically, I could out work most men, run heavy equipment, and enjoyed .... truly enjoyed the exhaustion of a hard day's work....nothing better than a stroll on the property as the sun is setting...having had a nice hot shower.....quietly pervaying the trimmed trees, potted plants, and smelling the new mown lawn.....now I have 2 hours of production, and sleep inside as the sun is high in the sky.

Today, I made a committment to seek out who I am now.....reassess my strengths.....discover my purpose....as I do not believe there is a soul without purpose....and maybe...on a day to day basis...waste not that which has been so richly given me.

Yes, fellow forum people with funny names...yes, you lurkers out there...., yes, with every morning I am grossly aware of my losses....as if in neon signs.....and the speed of the loss is unnerving....but, I'm thinkin' .... what little energy I have now is better spent discovering that which has been given me....and channeling it....even if it is the crumbs left over from a more healthy me.....try to channel it to someone else's need.

Hmmm, a discovery....from the mouth of the innocent. Guess listening more, talking less DOES have its advantages!

Thank you for making me feel safe to express thoughts from my heart.....truly sincere, and in no means meant to minimize the struggle you all face....I bathe often in the warmth I feel from this forum... I sense your strength, I am nurtured by your endurance....

[Cat Mom]

New Normal, I just wanted to let you know how much your posts affect me, in a positive way. I will be thinking of this 19 year old and his profound words, which you were kind enough to share with us, when feeling down. Thank you again for sharing.
Jen

[jayjee]

A terrific example to strive for.
Thank you

[Chicken Mama]

Maybe your new 'gift' is writing? You express yourself really well and have a nice writing style. Have you ever thought of starting a blog? I think you still have a lot to say.

[New normal]

Chickenmama..I'm listening.

@chicken mama
Thank you for your encouragement..actually I used to write a lot 30 years ago, and this forum has served as a means to express my thoughts.

I feel safe as people can choose to read or not, and I am just putting stuff out there from my heart...no rejection issues...with the hope that someone can gain something from it.

My family has mentioned I start writing again...and, frankly, it is now down to the only thing I CAN do as I am fading pretty fast physically.

I do not know how to start a blog...are there sites that explain it? (guess I could start researching, but are there REALLY other topics out there other than MS related issues?)

You have kindled a little ember, CM, AND..I am listening more lately...

[techie]

Thank you for being here

I always read your posts. They help so much.
techie

[Chicken Mama]

I completely understand the 'rejection' thing. Been there, done that...and this really is a 'safe' place.

I was just thinking that maybe there might be someone 'out there' that you could reach or touch that you might not be here.

It was just a thought.

Blogs can be about anything. Some people are very specific, informational blogs, others have a wide variety of topics, some people use it as sort of a public journal.

A blog is set up so that you constantly keep adding new information. Some people do it for others, some people do it for themselves, as a log about their everyday lives.

I know one lady who has seven children and she keeps it for her family...to let them know about what is going on. She posts pictures, recipes, what she found in the woods on a hike, what her children are up to, what God is teaching her, what she's dealing with. I have laughed with her, I've cried with her, been convicted of faults with her, etc.

She has a LOT of non-family followers. I'm HOOKED! I feel like I know her, and her family and it feels like I'm reading a never-ending good book, LOL! Maybe I'm just nosy and that's why I enjoy it. Seriously, though... I pray for this woman and her children. I feel like I know them.

You're right...often there is no feedback and that can feel like rejection. I guess it depends on why you want to do it.

It's amazing what people find interesting. You wouldn't think that people would be interested in reading about someone's everyday life, but I have followed a number of blogs that were exactly that, and I love them!

Most blogs sites are free (on the basic level, but some charge if you want 'bells and whistles'). The ones I've dabbled with are pretty user friendly. The 'decoration' part is usually done by a template of some sort that you 'choose' and it's all set up, so it's not difficult. Then there is the option of individualizing it if you want to.

Actually using it once it's set up is no more difficult than posting here on the forum or using a word processor. If you can't figure out how to start a blog, maybe one of your children could help you get it set up.

'Blogger' is a popular one that is user friendly.

I wasn't trying to minimize what you are doing here on this board...just trying to encourage you that you have a nice writing style, you express yourself well, and that maybe there might be a wider audience out there waiting to hear what you have to say.

Or...write a book! I'm sure your children and grandchildren would love to have it. What was your childhood like? What were your school days like? What was your courtship and marriage like? You have the skills and talent to make an interesting story out of it.

Anyway, this is just my two cents...for what it's worth.

[New normal]

Still listening....

@techie. THANKS for the "thumbs up". I hv followed your posts and you have so many challenges. I really respect your diligence in keeping in the fight....funny how we don't know who is benefiting from our posts..but I think of you often and enjoy your participation. Your story confirms the power of the spirit within you.

@ chicken momma. Thank you for your response. You provided a lot of "action steps" that can be taken, plus encouragement to start a new pathway. (gosh, maybe YOU should start a blog!)

BTW, referencing "no rejection "no feedback"was regarding this forum. I do feel safe here, which has encouraged me to write more than usually inclined.

Social networking is amazing to me...to think that I just "throw myself out there" on various topics and get such insightful responses is stunning.

I understand now why it is called the "great connector"....as I feel my connection to you and others who have responded is truly spirit to spirit...beyond our understanding.....how you, a total stranger who happens to like chickens, as I do, can be prompted to say "just what I needed to hear"! Ya gotta admit, makes one wonder if the super highway of the universe isn't maintained a bit by the very "secret of the universe" .

I have considered taking a writing class in the fall...that might be a beginning...I am becoming more socially isolated and perhaps that might help.

Sooooo, CM, know that in the melee of your very busy world, you have accomplished a very important deed!! Your dishes still may need to be done, but your worth has grown considerably because you really have served as an instrument to lift me when I was slipping away.....

I hv not posted in the other threads as I hesitate to REALLY confront my "new normal"...somehow you read between the lines, and have said the very words that might help evolve my "new normal"........ I hope your recognize and cherish your gift of discernment....use it often....the rewards can be eternal.

Thank you......you'll never really know the measure of my words, THANK YOU!

[Chicken Mama]

I think a writing class is an awesome idea! I understand, too much, the need to push yourself to 'get out'. Maybe it's just the perfect thing. Seriously, I DO think it's one of your talents.

I didn't know you liked chickens too. My chickens are my babies. They always make me laugh or smile regardless of how bad I feel. They also give me a reason to get up and keep moving. They are always happy to see me, too.

Thank you for your kind words, New Normal. You are truly a sweetheart. I needed your encouragement today, too...so thank you.