My last three years

[dyin_myelin]

I have been in Trenton State Psychiatric hospital for trying to commit suicide. I took two bottles of pills. I have been strapped down for crying. I have been raped and beaten. I contracted HPV. I am trying to get discharged so I can see the spring. It is beautiful outside. I miss you all. I felt I could not live with the cognitive and behavioral changes anymore, but they no longer say I have bipolar just major depression. I am on enough depakote to fell a horse. So maybe my brain is healing. I am getting my pension as a disability payout and 1,700 from the government thanks to my bf. Not sure if I can still do my job or if I want to risk losing my benefits. Chat GBT has ruined my term paper mill. What can I do with my life? I get no talk therapy here. I am still an atheist so I slog through the locked wards with little hope. But I have to be positive or I will never get out of here. The beautiful nurse Myla has stopped the crying jags. They are talking about giving me an SLT pass so I can go outside. Before I was on a one to one. Someone watched me 24 7. While I slept and used the toilet. You think you're going to beat MS until it becomes stronger than you.

[loopey]

Back in the 60's my mother was in Patton State hospital in Ca. She had attempted suicide too because she had very serious health issues that the doctor were having trouble diagnosing. Instead she got a variety of medications which always made her symptoms worse. While in Patton she was correctly diagnosed with MS. She came home and though the MS symptoms got worse (with her ending up needing a wheelchair) she thrived. She got to enjoy her grandchildren and she lived a nice life until she died at the age of 72. There is always a reason to hope. I sincerely you get to go out and enjoy the weather and that you find a new joy in life.

[pennstater]

I hope you are recovering and getting better. I also hope you never experience that level of despair again. My grandmother spent years in a state hospital, triggered by severe post-partum. Back then (early 40s), they unfortunately thought a lobotomy was warranted. I dread thinking of her days there. Reading your experiences, I am very angry. I hope your rapist has been charged.

Do you have an outside doctor that can advocate for you, try to get you talk therapy? I truly hope you get your reprieve soon.

Any chance your BF could get you some inspirational books or audiobooks? Maybe reading or listening to hopeful stories can help you regain your hope.

I know you're an atheist, but if ok with you, I will say a prayer that you find inner peace.

Thanks for giving us an update. Truly sorry for the reason you disappeared.

[REG53]

My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry this has happened to you, surely your rapist will be punished.
I too would like to say a prayer for hope and peace for you. Please keep us updated.

[oceanpride]

I hope you get out of there and the new spring brings you new hope.

[Seasha]

My heart goes out to you as well. It sounds like you have been "run through the mill" and I'm so sorry. If you can't get talk therapy, you DO have us. So, keep us informed as to how you are doing.

Spring is just around the corner and I'm hoping you can get outside soon. Stay positive and get healed! Sending best wishes on your recovery.

[dyin_myelin]

I'm posting through my mother. All the computers are down for three months at Trenton Psychiatric. But I want to thank everyone for responding. I went out on a day pass and had some sake with my meal on Monday eclipse day. I didn't know I wasn't supposed to. So I lost my privileges and I am very depressed right now. I'll talk to you all soon.