Every night when I go to sleep...

[RockysMom]

I hope I don't wake up but I don't want to leave anybody behind who I need to take care of.

I want to sleep all the time but my dreams let me down with nightmares or annoying drivel.

I haven't been outside or even out of the house in two months. I haven't seen my family since March, friends since last summer.

I have so many things to be grateful for but I can't seem to find a moment of happiness save for the one day a week when I get to see my dogs.

I stay in bed almost all day, then get up for a few hours to hobble onto my scooter and go sit in the living room until it's time to get back into bed.

I worry every minute of every day about what will happen to us that certain day in the not all too distant future when we are forced out of our home and onto the street. My husband's job has been gone for 4 years now & even if he found another, he'd have to stay home and take care of me.

I live on false hopes. There is no future for us, we are only floating on a bubble which could burst at any minute.

And I wonder is my depression warranted? Am I being a selfish brat feeling sorry for myself because I have so few physical abilities remaining? Am I this huge infant wailing away?

Meanwhile I'm so haunted by everything in my past, so resentful of the things I was denied in my childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood. I'm old enough not to be placing blame on those who let me down or took advantage of me or abused me but darn it, they screwed me over and it has affected me every single day!

And now I feel, effectively, my life is over. I'm just waiting in this prison of a body for the lights to go out.

I feel like the world has changed so much and people my age are just a burden to the world, all the old institutions of society are either gone or a pale shadow of what they used to be, especially me.

[RonPaulaD]

Hi Rocky'smom,

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing so much heartache. It must be a scary feeling being so cut off from the outside world. I don't have much in the way of advice, but please know that I'm thinking of you.

Paula

[SNOOPY]

Hello RockysMom,

I would like to gently suggest you seek the help of a Psychiatrist for possible treatment with medication and a Psychotherapist to help you better cope with your situation.

Unfortunately, our dreams can be related to unresolved issues/problems in our lives. With proper treatment your disturbing dreams can go away.

If health insurance for a Psychiatrist and/or Psychotherapist is an issue there are, in many Cities, public resources for mental health.

Take care

[hunterd]

have you spoken to your neurologist about these thoughts? My neurologist put me in touch with a psychologist to help me. Are you on any medications for your mental well-being?

If anybody reading this should need a little help in this area, here are some phone numbers. Suicide Hotline http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html 1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK 1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255 . Everything is Confidential.

Best of luck to you

[DebbieB]

My heart hurts for you....

RockysMom,

I'm so sorry for your situation and your pain. Please reach out to your Neurologist immediately and explain what you are feeling...I had similar feeling late last fall, and disclosed to my Neuro, who put me on short-term meds until I could get into a Psychologist.

Please do not be afraid to reach out for help.

Blessings,
Debbie

[Lianne]

Can you get your scooter outside? Are you not going outside because of your depression, or because it's not physically possible? I realize it can be extremely hard to do things, esp. with both MS and depression, but sometimes if you force yourself to do something small and different from your normal routine each day, you will be surprised at how much better you will feel. And the more you can do, the less you will be thinking about your past.

I do agree that talking to a psychologist, neurologist or psychiatrist is a good idea, but what you can do for yourself is equally important, I think. Also, calling friends/family that you haven't see in a while might help you. Are they aware that you are housebound?

I don't know the details of your situation, but sincerely hope life gets better for you.

[RockysMom]

Thank you all

I'm appreciative of all the concern and sympathy, I really just needed to voice my feelings somewhere.

I can't go to any doctor yet, I can't get into my vehicle but will be able to in a week or two. I can't bear being outside when it's above 71. However today is supposed to have a high of 72, I don't know if I will be able to climb onto my outdoor scooter though. Some days I have more strength than others. I know this will not be one of those days but who knows.

When I do finally get back to my neuro, it will be my last visit as I need a new one who doesn't keep me waiting an hour or more every time. We don't have many out here though.

I just am so weak and have so many pressures on me, how can I be expected to do all the things I'm expected to do, I should just be able to focus on my health all the time but instead I never can. Our lives are just an unsustainable world which I can't imagine lasting much longer unless I win the lottery because being disabled is very expensive. It will all end in a few years or less because our resources will end. There is no solution, just inevitability.

I'm not asking for answers, I know they don't exist. I just needed to express myself. However I think I will be fighting as hard as I can although I've been fighting so long against how this economy has destroyed our lives for like six years now, a body can only take so much.

And the news doesn't report on those who have disappeared from the workforce any more. It's like we don't exist. I'm really young actually, every other 50 year old I know is the picture of health. And then there's me, the cripple who has to rest after sitting in a recliner for a few hours.

[NYJenn]

Hi, friend

So sorry that you are going through a tough time. I go bonkers when I can't get out; I use a scooter, too.

You could be depressed, medication may help. I was in a very stressful situation for years. My mentally ill husband couldn't work, we never had money, etc. We always had trouble paying the rent. We are separated now, and I think I am doing better.

Don't give up! Life IS hard, and harder for us with MS. I am 50, alone, mostly broke--just telling you this because misery loves company (?)

Anyway, you never know what tomorrow might bring...

I'm sending positive vibes your way!!!!

[Temagami]

Just heard about the concept of warm lines- see: http://www.warmline.org

This link takes you to volunteer phone lines that will have people willing to listen to you on a daily basis if need be. They have volunteers with 32 hours of training and who are open to having "regulars" call in. A warm line is different from a hot line in that they are focussed on being a good listener.
This step may be useful for you to unload your pain and worry so that you can begin to formulate a plan to create a future with some light.

[poohb3ar]

my heart and prayers go out to you.
50 should be young. i'm 53, and when they say 'you're as old as you feel' i think, well i'm in my 80's then.

it's awful what you're going through.
i have no advice that's not already been given.

venting is always welcome here! it's one of the few places where you're understood. keep on writing and venting, whatever helps! BTW you have a poetic writing style.

praying that your circumstances get better and you find relief soon.

take care & God bless ya!

[RockysMom]

Worse

praying that your circumstances get better and you find relief soon

Thank you all for your concerns and suggestions, all very good.

Oh I got out of the house, you bet I did. I broke my ankle due to a relapse and spent 3 months in rehab. I got up to walking again for 1st time in 16 months but that got labeled minimal progress so they sent me back home. Had home therapy for 2 months but never got back to walking or even standing.

Now I've discontinued home therapy until we can get into a routine, get organized, and get some equipment installed. God only knows how long that will all take since it all lies on my husband's shoulder and he has a bad back and now he has to take care of me in every way. We can't afford to hire help since I'm going to be paying off medical bills for a good while.

And I haven't even been in the house yet. I'm living in the garage because my wheelchair won't fit through the doors. Haven't seen my parrots in six months as a result. Only see my big dogs once a week or every two weeks. Never get out of here except for my tysabri infusion every 28 days or when I go to the neuro, and that costs $50 each time for the handicapped taxi bus. We owe $200 to them right now.

So everything is worse. Life is forever changed. I'll never see my elderly parents again although they're only 50 miles away. That really hurts as mom has metastatic breast cancer to the bone and has just stopped treatment because it's really a living death how bad she feels.

I could go on with the complaints but what's the point? I'm numb from the roadblocks, potholes, and ever increasing debilitation. At least I only cry for about an hour a day now until I can get my Steve Jobsian reality distortion field going again when I lie to myself and think there's still something I can do to help myself and my family. There isn't. Now, talking about it or writing about it is contraindicative because I have to lift my self-imposed veil of illusion to accurately portray how things totally suck. But as my husband, always says, it could be worse. And it will be, sooner or later, it will, probably sooner.

But...I keep trying and each time I fail, I tell myself 'well I'm really getting to be a world expert at failing, maybe someday that will become a profitable skill! Then I'll be rich!'