I sit here today rather thankful to be sitting upright and still. What started out to be another day of same old same old turned out to be Double Ewe Tea Elf (as I call it when trying not to swear out right).
I had an appointment with my mom across town. I was supposed to meet her at 11 so I got up around 6, showered and did a compressed version of an 80s break dancer in the shower while trying to find the right temperature (ahhhhh oooo ow ow OW OW hot hot tssss sssst OW OW!!! wrong way! SHIP! DOWN Down down there ahhhhhhh!!!). I slid open the shower door and prepared to reach around to grab my towel from the rack to find myself being challenged to a duel by a rather large spider who challenged me to the death as he claimed squatters rights and claim to my favorite, extra plush and super soft emerald green bath sheet. En Garde'! ATTACK!
I recoiled my hand like I'd just shot a gun with it and weighed my options carefully. I could bend forward and snatch the end of the towel and pull the offender down quickly and snap him off the towel but, knowing my luck as I do, that would likely end one of two ways. He would cling to the towel and crawl up to my hand and bite it off by the time I even got it off the rack OR I would crack that towel like a bull whip, flip his hairy little keester off like a rocket where he would undoubtedly land somewhere on my wet (and now shivering) naked freshly showered self...
Decisions... Decisions...
Naturally I looked for an alternative option and finally decided that the fate of my favorite bath sheet rested in my hands. I had to accept the death challenge. So, with loofa in hand, I stepped out of the shower keeping my opponent in my failing sight the whole time.
I did mention I was still wet, right?
So as I slid across the floor, I lunged the loofa forward as I clung to every ounce of air I could grab before landing square on my keester. BUT with some impressive precision I destroyed my target completely!
Well... kind of...
Ok fine. I wasn't exactly aiming for the shower door but I've always been a bigger picture kind of person anyways and the spider was on the towel which was on the towel rack which was attached to the shower door so that counts... right???
But back to the more important part where, as I tried to compose myself and survey the damage to my person and my shower; I realized something very, very upsetting.
Of course the smashed shower door was a grand disappointment. The fact that the heathens were at the bathroom door was tiresome as they started banging on it and trying to get in to see if I was alive and screaming for me to answer them only not hearing me because they wouldn't shut up for two seconds to actually GET a response so I had to scramble for something to cover up with in case they broke in (daughter, son in law and son). But as I grabbed the hand towels from the sink and held them up to the important parts that's when it hit me.
I don't see the spider.
The door burst open as I stood there cross legged and clinging desperately to whatever dignity I could, holding two small hand towels against me as my boys both screamed out "OH GOD!" or "MOTHER NO!" and my daughter ushered them out with "It's a bathroom for God's sake! Did you think she'd be wearing a freaking ball gown and pearls!" (I love that girl!) She shoved them out into the hallway and shut the door behind them and started to take a survey over me to see if I had been injured.
Fearing for her life; I warned her about the spider that was no where to be found. As the door slammed closed a second time; I was alone to face the demon. As the sound of the western stand off gun man versus gun man echoed through the bathroom (because the boys were whistling it out in the hall); I started my search of the area.
And then Satan showed himself, stepping out from under the bath sheet he tried so arrogantly to claim as his own and started this war of destruction and chaos. My breath calmed. My eyes refocused. My loofa was behind him. I slipped slowly into my slippers. Eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye; I could tell he was measuring me against prior opponents just as I was of him.
"You're all mine," I whispered heavily.
One of the boys slammed their hand on the door and Satan took off running towards me. The shot gun sound must have triggered his desire to start this duel to the death. I ran towards him, grabbing the plunger along the way. Raising it over my head like Highlander and brought it down on top of the demon and I let out a scream unlike the warrior I tried to be which went ringing out through the hall.
Well that's what happens when you realize there's glass in your slippers!
And the Highlander move failed miserably as that little fuzzy so n so ran up under the bathroom door and scared the sneakers off the boys who did a mash up of dance moves from the 60s to now until they finally managed to land on top of the demon and destroy him. ha HA!
I've said it before...
Sometimes getting out of bed is enough. Anything more and you're just asking for it.
I had an appointment with my mom across town. I was supposed to meet her at 11 so I got up around 6, showered and did a compressed version of an 80s break dancer in the shower while trying to find the right temperature (ahhhhh oooo ow ow OW OW hot hot tssss sssst OW OW!!! wrong way! SHIP! DOWN Down down there ahhhhhhh!!!). I slid open the shower door and prepared to reach around to grab my towel from the rack to find myself being challenged to a duel by a rather large spider who challenged me to the death as he claimed squatters rights and claim to my favorite, extra plush and super soft emerald green bath sheet. En Garde'! ATTACK!
I recoiled my hand like I'd just shot a gun with it and weighed my options carefully. I could bend forward and snatch the end of the towel and pull the offender down quickly and snap him off the towel but, knowing my luck as I do, that would likely end one of two ways. He would cling to the towel and crawl up to my hand and bite it off by the time I even got it off the rack OR I would crack that towel like a bull whip, flip his hairy little keester off like a rocket where he would undoubtedly land somewhere on my wet (and now shivering) naked freshly showered self...
Decisions... Decisions...
Naturally I looked for an alternative option and finally decided that the fate of my favorite bath sheet rested in my hands. I had to accept the death challenge. So, with loofa in hand, I stepped out of the shower keeping my opponent in my failing sight the whole time.
I did mention I was still wet, right?
So as I slid across the floor, I lunged the loofa forward as I clung to every ounce of air I could grab before landing square on my keester. BUT with some impressive precision I destroyed my target completely!
Well... kind of...
Ok fine. I wasn't exactly aiming for the shower door but I've always been a bigger picture kind of person anyways and the spider was on the towel which was on the towel rack which was attached to the shower door so that counts... right???
But back to the more important part where, as I tried to compose myself and survey the damage to my person and my shower; I realized something very, very upsetting.
Of course the smashed shower door was a grand disappointment. The fact that the heathens were at the bathroom door was tiresome as they started banging on it and trying to get in to see if I was alive and screaming for me to answer them only not hearing me because they wouldn't shut up for two seconds to actually GET a response so I had to scramble for something to cover up with in case they broke in (daughter, son in law and son). But as I grabbed the hand towels from the sink and held them up to the important parts that's when it hit me.
I don't see the spider.
The door burst open as I stood there cross legged and clinging desperately to whatever dignity I could, holding two small hand towels against me as my boys both screamed out "OH GOD!" or "MOTHER NO!" and my daughter ushered them out with "It's a bathroom for God's sake! Did you think she'd be wearing a freaking ball gown and pearls!" (I love that girl!) She shoved them out into the hallway and shut the door behind them and started to take a survey over me to see if I had been injured.
Fearing for her life; I warned her about the spider that was no where to be found. As the door slammed closed a second time; I was alone to face the demon. As the sound of the western stand off gun man versus gun man echoed through the bathroom (because the boys were whistling it out in the hall); I started my search of the area.
And then Satan showed himself, stepping out from under the bath sheet he tried so arrogantly to claim as his own and started this war of destruction and chaos. My breath calmed. My eyes refocused. My loofa was behind him. I slipped slowly into my slippers. Eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye to eye; I could tell he was measuring me against prior opponents just as I was of him.
"You're all mine," I whispered heavily.
One of the boys slammed their hand on the door and Satan took off running towards me. The shot gun sound must have triggered his desire to start this duel to the death. I ran towards him, grabbing the plunger along the way. Raising it over my head like Highlander and brought it down on top of the demon and I let out a scream unlike the warrior I tried to be which went ringing out through the hall.
Well that's what happens when you realize there's glass in your slippers!
And the Highlander move failed miserably as that little fuzzy so n so ran up under the bathroom door and scared the sneakers off the boys who did a mash up of dance moves from the 60s to now until they finally managed to land on top of the demon and destroy him. ha HA!
I've said it before...
Sometimes getting out of bed is enough. Anything more and you're just asking for it.
fed
You are AWESOME!
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