Feeling hopeless
Since I've been diagnosed, I've been doing pretty much everything I can to make the best of it. The days I work out, it seems like I feel stronger, and I could tell even before I started the working out that my leg weakness wasn't as bad as it was a month ago. It's harder for people to tell I have weakness, and I can even climb into my sports car again without having to lift my leg with my arm (I was really excited about that).
Then yesterday I found out that I had to resign from my job. Not only have I not had any income the past month, but now I'll be losing my insurance in a couple weeks. With no income, cobra is impossible to afford. I also found out my insurance won't pay for Copaxone, so I'll be starting on Avonex instead, which means more bloodwork that I'll have to find the money to pay for. I'm also scared to death that it's going to make me sicker than a dog the day I take it, and I'd rather not be sick once a week.
I picked up a copy of my MRIs that I had done that lead to my diagnosis because I had to see them for myself. That was a huge mistake. The brain had a couple active lesions, but it didn't sound too bad. My neck, on the other hand, is way worse than it was a little over a year ago, and it sounds like there are lesions everywhere (they used to only be in a couple spots).
I kept telling myself that I was going to make it through this relapse and then things would be normal again, but now I'm afraid this is the new normal. I don't think I'll ever be able to walk normally again, and that also means I went to school and am stuck paying student loans for a degree that I'll never be able to use anymore. Now I'll be lucky if I can land a job that pays all of my monthly bills, but leaves me nothing to buy groceries with or put gas in my car.
As soon as MS was suspected (late 2011), I opted to see an MS specialist so that I could get the best care possible. It took forever to get in to see her, and when I finally did, she didn't take me seriously. None of my symptoms were ever bad enough to her, and because my brain MRIs looked good, she wasn't interested in helping me (my problems were found in the neck at the time). I was diagnosed with CIS, but she wouldn't even consider treatment for any of my symptoms, which I told her were driving me crazy. She even accused me of making up symptoms when I forgot to tell her everything and she specifically asked me about something. When you've had that many things go wrong, it's hard to remember everything.
That quack was out of the picture a long time ago, but I feel like she is the reason I've gotten so bad. If she would have done something before it got to this point, maybe this relapse that left my leg very weak wouldn't have happened and I could have continued working and living my life. Now that's not an option anymore, and it is all her fault. She has ruined my life, and I don't think I stand a chance at getting that back. I realize the DMDs only do so much, but maybe if I had been started on something back then, I wouldn't be in this position now.
Sorry for the long vent, but right now I'm tired of trying to see the bright side in a horrible future that I didn't ask for and I want no part of.
Then yesterday I found out that I had to resign from my job. Not only have I not had any income the past month, but now I'll be losing my insurance in a couple weeks. With no income, cobra is impossible to afford. I also found out my insurance won't pay for Copaxone, so I'll be starting on Avonex instead, which means more bloodwork that I'll have to find the money to pay for. I'm also scared to death that it's going to make me sicker than a dog the day I take it, and I'd rather not be sick once a week.
I picked up a copy of my MRIs that I had done that lead to my diagnosis because I had to see them for myself. That was a huge mistake. The brain had a couple active lesions, but it didn't sound too bad. My neck, on the other hand, is way worse than it was a little over a year ago, and it sounds like there are lesions everywhere (they used to only be in a couple spots).
I kept telling myself that I was going to make it through this relapse and then things would be normal again, but now I'm afraid this is the new normal. I don't think I'll ever be able to walk normally again, and that also means I went to school and am stuck paying student loans for a degree that I'll never be able to use anymore. Now I'll be lucky if I can land a job that pays all of my monthly bills, but leaves me nothing to buy groceries with or put gas in my car.
As soon as MS was suspected (late 2011), I opted to see an MS specialist so that I could get the best care possible. It took forever to get in to see her, and when I finally did, she didn't take me seriously. None of my symptoms were ever bad enough to her, and because my brain MRIs looked good, she wasn't interested in helping me (my problems were found in the neck at the time). I was diagnosed with CIS, but she wouldn't even consider treatment for any of my symptoms, which I told her were driving me crazy. She even accused me of making up symptoms when I forgot to tell her everything and she specifically asked me about something. When you've had that many things go wrong, it's hard to remember everything.
That quack was out of the picture a long time ago, but I feel like she is the reason I've gotten so bad. If she would have done something before it got to this point, maybe this relapse that left my leg very weak wouldn't have happened and I could have continued working and living my life. Now that's not an option anymore, and it is all her fault. She has ruined my life, and I don't think I stand a chance at getting that back. I realize the DMDs only do so much, but maybe if I had been started on something back then, I wouldn't be in this position now.
Sorry for the long vent, but right now I'm tired of trying to see the bright side in a horrible future that I didn't ask for and I want no part of.
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