26 yr old child of dad with MS HELP

[Boleyn]

My dad was diagnosed about five years ago with MS. I live at home with my mom and dad and am an only child. Im 26 and there is a lack of help for people my age being a child of a parent with MS. My dad was diagnosed less than a month of me graduating college, and since then I have been home helping. Also about a month or so after college...I found out I was pregnant but also that I had cancer. I do all the driving for my parents all the yardwork (we live on three acres..) take them to every appointment...I am certain you get the idea. They can't handle things well so while we were finding out about my dad they never knew I had an abortion and had cancer...I went to my appts alone and drove myself, and I was alone. Since my dads diagnosis he has become emotionally abusive to my mom and emotionally and physically abusive to me. Every time the police are called he is hauled into a mental ward at a hospital, kept there for three days to two weeks, then sent home and nothing changes. I don't know what to do or where to get help. He is so cruel to all the people who help him, even my friends who help pay for things and help take care of our house. I get so angry I don't know what to do anymore. I worry about leaving because of my mom being alone with him, with her scoliosis she can't even lift his wheelchair for appts. We can't afford programs his insurance doesnt cover and I am lost. I am so sick of feeling alone and so sick of people giving him the excuse of depression and frusteration for his abusive behavior. It is getting to be that he accuses me and my mom of insane things, he will rave like a lunatic. What can I do? Where can I turn? Home isnt a safe and secure place like it should be and Im sick of hiding away from him. Please if anyone has any ideas Im all ears.

[Jules A]

I am so sorry you are going through this and I wouldn't ever suggest that this is acceptable based on MS or any other diagnosis.

Please consider seeking some counseling for yourself and if possible the family. It sounds like you and your Mother are in an abusive relationship and no one deserves to have to live under those circumstances.

I would do whatever you need to do to create a safe and fulfilling life for yourself. Everyone deserves that. Hugs, Jules

[mjan]

First of all, I am so sorry you and your mother (and father) have so much going on.. too much, enough!!

Your dad's doctor, including primary doc, needs to know how he is behaving. If he is not abusing alcohol or other drugs, then it could be his brain causing these violent outbursts. Was he ever controlling or abusive prior to his diagnosis?

If can cannot care for himself, you could have him placed in a nursing home. I know.. I know..but if he is a danger to others, it can be considered. He'd have to pay room and board, if he is to remain there, but his insurance would cover all the medical expenses most likely. He could get institutional T19 or medicaid if he has not long term ins care coverage. Most of us do not.

Maybe that is extreme, but just know it is an option, esp if he's abusive. If you are deemed a harm to yourself or others, this becomes a legal/medical issue. There IS help for this issue. Just make sure you see a social worker and your doctor evaluated him (again) for his violent, abusive behaviors.

Hugs to you and yours.. so sorry for all you are enduring. What happened regarding your cancer ? Are you ok now?
Sorry you had to have an abortion. You deserve a safe and secure home life.

Warmly, Jan

[Tracelyn]

I am sorry to hear that you guys are going through so much. You are definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I agree wholeheartedly that his doctors need to be made aware of the changes in his behavior. Especially if this is something that is new for him.

I can speak from experience how changes to the brain can affect the mood and temperament. My younger brother was in a car accident 19 years ago, and after the injury to his brain his temper became very violent. I am only guessing but I suspect that MS could cause similar issues with the brain. My brother for years refused to take the medicine the doctors prescribed him until he was diagnosed with Hepatitis. Since has been diagnosed he is taking ALL of his meds and there is a night and day difference. (We are talking about how the the police were called out pretty regularly because of his abusive behavior)

If he seriously refuses to get help for his mood and temper you and your mother will have to decide if you can continue living this way.

My heart goes out to you and know you are in my prayers!

[Mynamegoeshere1]

I am so sorry. I think a call IMMEDIATELY to your fathers Dr is in order. This is definitely a danger issue now. Not only is he harming you guys emotionally, but if he is physically abusing you, he is probably capable of hurting himself too. You are so caring to have reached out on this forum.

While your Fathers health is important, yours is too. I really hope your cancer was taken care of. Are you in better health? Did you handle the abortion emotionally, or do you need counseling for that as well? You have a lot on your plate and you are #1. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't help anyone else. Has your Father physically abused you in front of your Mom? Are you sure he isn't physically abusing her too? This is all so scary and my prayers are with you! Please let me know if you need to talk with someone personally.

[heliotrope]

So you're aware, there are support systems available for you while you're undergoing cancer treatment/after treatment. Contact the American Cancer Society at www.cancer.org.

[Cat Mom]

Oh dear, this sounds horrible and I'm so sorry that you and your mom are going through this. I am in agreement with the other posters that you MUST call your dad's doctor IMMEDIATELY! This behavior (abuse) is not normal and having MS does not give license to treat anyone like this. Your mom might protest out of embarrassment or pride but you have to listen to your gut and reach out.

More importantly, how are you? Your post broke my heart. Going through what you have, cancer and a pregnancy, you should have never had to do this alone. Even sick parents like to be there for our kids when they need us, it even makes me feel "normal" when my kids need me. Among others, I have a 25 year old daughter, she lives on her own now but she still needs a mom sometimes, MS and all!

Please let us know how you're doing. Lots of us really feel for you, I hope you can get something moving in the right direction soon.

Warm regards,
Jen

[BigA]

Maybe you can find about about a shelter for abused women and you and your mother can go.

I think the idea of getting support from the cancer society. There is a lot of help available.

Finally, you may feel some obligation to your father, but it should not extend to ruining your life. There is a time to say "no".

Good Luck. You will get through this.

[hunterd]

Suicide Hotline
http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html
1-800-SUICIDE 1-800-273-TALK
1-800-784-2433 1-800-273-8255


I just thought I would put this up here for anyone that needs it. You certainly have a full plate and deserve any and all help you can get.