The Male Mind
The Male Mind vs. Multiple Sclerosis
Men are conditioned to see our physical prowess as a large portion of our personal value. Similar to how women often talk about feeling societal pressures to be a size 2 and look like Barbie. Likewise, men feel pressure to face every challenge and battle without expressing fear, pain, or concern. To display weakness is contrary to how we were raised, what we believe is manly and affront to our core being. Admitting illness is like giving up some of your power, your value, and your respect.
Let me try to explain a bit better.
Whether you loved or hated the Dallas Cowboys you probably admired Roger Staubach both on and off the field. He was a leader of men and a hero to a generation. He has all the credentials to drool over: Heisman Trophy Winner, Naval Academy Graduate, Vietnam Veteran, Super Bowl MVP, Pro Bowl Hall of Famer, and Successful Businessman.
Roger Staubach suffered almost two dozen concussions in the NFL and he got up and continued to play off more than a few of them.
As a young man, I wanted to be like Roger; I wanted to wear the uniform both military and football. I wanted to be quarterback. I wanted to throw the Hail Mary pass. I wanted to win the Super Bowl. If I got hurt I wanted to get up, dust off my pants and get back in the game just like Roger the Dodger did ... anything less would be unmanly.
Roger Staubach could be interchanged Willis Reed, Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, and Cal Ripken Jr. Think about these memories:
• Willis Reed hobbling back onto the court to beat the Lakers
• Michael Jordan icing his knees on the sidelines before making a game winning shot
• Larry Bird laying pronate on the floor resting his bad back before knocking down a bank shot
• Cal Ripken playing day in and day out for 17 seasons (2,632) games ill, injured or not
So many other greats are celebrated for their toughness: Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Dale Earnhardt, Richard Petty, Gordie Howe, Dick Butkus, Jim Thorpe, Lance Armstrong, Muhammad Ali, etc.
So boys grow up trying to emulate our heroes and those heroes tend to be men amongst men … little injuries were nothing to worry about. Roger Staubach referred to concussions as “dings” and that just isn’t enough to put a man down.
It isn’t just sports either; consider Hollywood heroes like Al Capone, God Father, the Terminator, the Fonz, Dirty Harry, Marlon Brando, John Wayne. Still not convinced? Go to the elementary school playground and the girls are pretending to be princesses and cats and the boys are pretending to be sports and action heroes.
To display weakness is contrary to how we were raised, what we believe is manly and affront to our core being. Admitting illness is like giving up some of your power, your value, and your respect. Like Muhammad Ali taunting Ernie Terrell with his “what’s my name” question as he pounded him into submission. No one wants to be Ernie Terrell, but facing MS is very similar to the male psyche.
Expressing emotions
Generally, little boys are not encouraged to express their emotions. We are asked to “stuff” them as “real men” don’t cry. So we grow up suppressing our emotions, denying our fears and putting on a brave face. When confronted with something overwhelming we have no skills to handle it and no hammer will fix us.
Only Lou Gehrig showed men how to act/react … and he
showed strength and not weakness. Of course, we never saw him struggle … we just hear his immortal words “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth."
Women and doctors
Historically, women have taken the lion’s share of parenting and caretaking. Women normally run the kids to medical appointments. Girls are also put into the system earlier than men with annual checkups and more milestones that require doctor’s care. Over this time, women build confidence in the medical system. Men tend to be more estranged with medical treatment so we seek it less often.
If it wasn’t for my wife I would still not be getting medical care for half the stuff that I do. She loves me and “nudges” me to seek treatment when otherwise I wouldn’t be “whining” to a doctor about dings.
Childbirth is heralded as one of the most painful experiences. Women are lauded for it and men are mocked as being incapable of it. I see no need to go to a place where I am mocked or belittled … another reason not to go to the doctors. Research is starting to show that chemically men and women respond to pain differently with female hormones actively engaging in the pain suppression process.
Difference between doctors and mechanics
Men will take cars to a mechanic with an expected result, but when going to the doctor there are seldom expected results for non-routine visits.
Mechanic: Left front tire is out of balance or the alignment needs adjusting. You are going to get identical estimates from virtually every mechanic. There is even a book that shows how much labor they should charge you for a particular job. This is a very black & white issue for us and easy to comprehend and control.
Broken Leg: This is a medical visit we will make because of the obvious need and black & white nature of the visit. Head over and get x-rays, get pain pills and a cast. In 2 months, the cast comes off and I can work back to being normal again. I can go to 100 doctors and basically get the identical diagnosis and treatment. The cast can even be something to brag about or be celebrated for if we broke the leg doing something “cool or manly.”
Multiple Sclerosis: The doctor is "practicing" medicine without a real blueprint for resolution. They will try this or that, but the results are completely unpredictable. If I go to 10 doctors I am apt to get 10 different diagnosis or treatment plans. I have no reason to trust someone that appears to be guessing. I wouldn’t let a mechanic guess on my car and I do not want a doctor guessing with my health. This isn't the black & white world I want to live in.
The opposite tends to be true for women. Women normally dread going to the mechanic for fear of being ripped off or belittled. Women will often build a bond of trust bond with their physicians similar to a guy with a reliable mechanic. Men will seldom build this level of trust with a physician because medical science just isn’t as exacting as adjust the timing on a car.
The male mind
The thought of not being able to provide or protect our family can be mentally debilitating. The diagnosis may render us incapable of expressing or feeling … being mentally, physically and/or emotionally overwhelmed we basically shut down as a survival tactic.
A comparison that may help women better understand a man with a chronic illness is being declared infertile. Some women dream from an early age about being a mother and now that is not going to happen. Men have a desire to be providers (hunter/gatherers) and when that may not happen … it can be core shattering.
We may begin to doubt our own value with questions:
• How can I respect myself when I am a broken shell of my former self?
• How can you possibly love me when I cannot even respect myself?
• What value do I have left?
I don't know if this resonated with you, but it's how I see so many guys struggling with multiple sclerosis.
Men are conditioned to see our physical prowess as a large portion of our personal value. Similar to how women often talk about feeling societal pressures to be a size 2 and look like Barbie. Likewise, men feel pressure to face every challenge and battle without expressing fear, pain, or concern. To display weakness is contrary to how we were raised, what we believe is manly and affront to our core being. Admitting illness is like giving up some of your power, your value, and your respect.
Let me try to explain a bit better.
Whether you loved or hated the Dallas Cowboys you probably admired Roger Staubach both on and off the field. He was a leader of men and a hero to a generation. He has all the credentials to drool over: Heisman Trophy Winner, Naval Academy Graduate, Vietnam Veteran, Super Bowl MVP, Pro Bowl Hall of Famer, and Successful Businessman.
Roger Staubach suffered almost two dozen concussions in the NFL and he got up and continued to play off more than a few of them.
As a young man, I wanted to be like Roger; I wanted to wear the uniform both military and football. I wanted to be quarterback. I wanted to throw the Hail Mary pass. I wanted to win the Super Bowl. If I got hurt I wanted to get up, dust off my pants and get back in the game just like Roger the Dodger did ... anything less would be unmanly.
Roger Staubach could be interchanged Willis Reed, Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, and Cal Ripken Jr. Think about these memories:
• Willis Reed hobbling back onto the court to beat the Lakers
• Michael Jordan icing his knees on the sidelines before making a game winning shot
• Larry Bird laying pronate on the floor resting his bad back before knocking down a bank shot
• Cal Ripken playing day in and day out for 17 seasons (2,632) games ill, injured or not
So many other greats are celebrated for their toughness: Walter Payton, Jim Brown, Dale Earnhardt, Richard Petty, Gordie Howe, Dick Butkus, Jim Thorpe, Lance Armstrong, Muhammad Ali, etc.
So boys grow up trying to emulate our heroes and those heroes tend to be men amongst men … little injuries were nothing to worry about. Roger Staubach referred to concussions as “dings” and that just isn’t enough to put a man down.
It isn’t just sports either; consider Hollywood heroes like Al Capone, God Father, the Terminator, the Fonz, Dirty Harry, Marlon Brando, John Wayne. Still not convinced? Go to the elementary school playground and the girls are pretending to be princesses and cats and the boys are pretending to be sports and action heroes.
To display weakness is contrary to how we were raised, what we believe is manly and affront to our core being. Admitting illness is like giving up some of your power, your value, and your respect. Like Muhammad Ali taunting Ernie Terrell with his “what’s my name” question as he pounded him into submission. No one wants to be Ernie Terrell, but facing MS is very similar to the male psyche.
Expressing emotions
Generally, little boys are not encouraged to express their emotions. We are asked to “stuff” them as “real men” don’t cry. So we grow up suppressing our emotions, denying our fears and putting on a brave face. When confronted with something overwhelming we have no skills to handle it and no hammer will fix us.
Only Lou Gehrig showed men how to act/react … and he
showed strength and not weakness. Of course, we never saw him struggle … we just hear his immortal words “Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth."
Women and doctors
Historically, women have taken the lion’s share of parenting and caretaking. Women normally run the kids to medical appointments. Girls are also put into the system earlier than men with annual checkups and more milestones that require doctor’s care. Over this time, women build confidence in the medical system. Men tend to be more estranged with medical treatment so we seek it less often.
If it wasn’t for my wife I would still not be getting medical care for half the stuff that I do. She loves me and “nudges” me to seek treatment when otherwise I wouldn’t be “whining” to a doctor about dings.
Childbirth is heralded as one of the most painful experiences. Women are lauded for it and men are mocked as being incapable of it. I see no need to go to a place where I am mocked or belittled … another reason not to go to the doctors. Research is starting to show that chemically men and women respond to pain differently with female hormones actively engaging in the pain suppression process.
Difference between doctors and mechanics
Men will take cars to a mechanic with an expected result, but when going to the doctor there are seldom expected results for non-routine visits.
Mechanic: Left front tire is out of balance or the alignment needs adjusting. You are going to get identical estimates from virtually every mechanic. There is even a book that shows how much labor they should charge you for a particular job. This is a very black & white issue for us and easy to comprehend and control.
Broken Leg: This is a medical visit we will make because of the obvious need and black & white nature of the visit. Head over and get x-rays, get pain pills and a cast. In 2 months, the cast comes off and I can work back to being normal again. I can go to 100 doctors and basically get the identical diagnosis and treatment. The cast can even be something to brag about or be celebrated for if we broke the leg doing something “cool or manly.”
Multiple Sclerosis: The doctor is "practicing" medicine without a real blueprint for resolution. They will try this or that, but the results are completely unpredictable. If I go to 10 doctors I am apt to get 10 different diagnosis or treatment plans. I have no reason to trust someone that appears to be guessing. I wouldn’t let a mechanic guess on my car and I do not want a doctor guessing with my health. This isn't the black & white world I want to live in.
The opposite tends to be true for women. Women normally dread going to the mechanic for fear of being ripped off or belittled. Women will often build a bond of trust bond with their physicians similar to a guy with a reliable mechanic. Men will seldom build this level of trust with a physician because medical science just isn’t as exacting as adjust the timing on a car.
The male mind
The thought of not being able to provide or protect our family can be mentally debilitating. The diagnosis may render us incapable of expressing or feeling … being mentally, physically and/or emotionally overwhelmed we basically shut down as a survival tactic.
A comparison that may help women better understand a man with a chronic illness is being declared infertile. Some women dream from an early age about being a mother and now that is not going to happen. Men have a desire to be providers (hunter/gatherers) and when that may not happen … it can be core shattering.
We may begin to doubt our own value with questions:
• How can I respect myself when I am a broken shell of my former self?
• How can you possibly love me when I cannot even respect myself?
• What value do I have left?
I don't know if this resonated with you, but it's how I see so many guys struggling with multiple sclerosis.
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