BF with MS

[swerty89]

Hey guys... I´m 18 years old, and I have a boyfriend of 19 who has MS. We have been together 2 months now, and it´s been great; he has told me about his MS and how it was really hard for him when he got diagnosed, but I´ve been supportive and loving. I was just wondering, anyone out there with my kind of story?? could you share some tips, even if you are not in this situation, and just give me some advice on how to support him??

Thank you in advance

[Dennah]

I don't have much in common with your story, but I can look at it from a different perspective...

I'm 27 and currently going through diagnosis myself right now, in Limboland, as they call it around here...

My fiancee (28) and I have known each other for 12 years, but only really been together for the past year, and have been engaged since last Thanksgiving. I started having symptoms in January and it's only in these past few weeks that the doctors have started saying "MS."

He has been AMAZING. He has been so very supportive of everything, he's gone to my doctors appointments with me because I'm too nervous to go on my own. He's driven me to school and on errands because I'm on medications that won't let me drive. And more than anything else, he has been infinitely patient with me. I'm terrified, but I try not to let anyone else see that at home. But he has held me when I cried, he has listened to my endless repetitions of what I'm feeling physically, and has beyond that, taken this time to spoil me rotten with his devotion.

I couldn't even put into words how much it means to me that he's there, and that he's a part of this with me. And even more than that, how much it means that he's learning with me what this might mean for our future together and he hasn't budged an inch from my side. And beyond even that, he's maintained a positive attitude for me the whole time, especially when I haven't been able to.

I know you and your boyfriend are in a different part of your relationship, but what I'm trying to express is that I believe this is a scary thing for anyone, no matter how long it's been since their diagnosis, and that having a loved one there to support them and listen to them, and still LOVE them through it all is priceless.

My advice is to just be there for him. I don't know his personality, maybe he's the kind who doesn't let other people do things for him, or maybe he would welcome it, but the best thing you can do is be available to be needed. Whether that means taking care of dinner if he's feeling too crappy to cook or drive somewhere, or getting up to put in a movie, or offering to just sit and LISTEN, unbiased, un-controlling and open to what he has to say.

There will be times that he feels better and wants to take advantage of that to do things on his own and there will be times that help may be necessary. It's up to you to know him and to recognize those times. And really, that's no different from any normal healthy relationship.

Even with the MS, it's all about communication and wholeheartedly being there for the person that you love. I know that there's no way I could get through this with an upbeat outlook without my fiancee.

Kudos to you for taking on that role in his life, and it sounds like you're already doing a fine job of supporting him.

[Bootlesparks]

My husband

I started to date my now husband 5 years ago. He told me had MS a few weeks in. How are u doing with it? 18 is very young to have to deal with MS. How is ur family responding? We dated for 3 plus years before we got married and I am still leaning about how to be a good support and what that looks like. If u ever need to talk... I'm a little older then u .... 10 years older but still knownhow it can bring up a lot of questions.

[Faith708]

I think its awesome that you want to learn about MS and how to be supportive and loving. I cant exactly relate to this situation but in some cases just knowing you have someone there willing to listen and support is alot. I actually had the opposite happen where I didnt get the support of any kind I'd expected from my BF.

[a.nukem]

Thank you for taking the time to learn more and trying to be there for your boyfriend. You wouldn't believe how many times I've seen relationships go the other way when MS crops up.

I was diagnosed at 19 and my boyfriend and I had already been together 3 years. He didn't sign up for it. We talked about best and worst case scenarios. And right now we take it day by day. One thing I appreciate that my boyfriend does for me is he makes it his mission to make me smile and laugh every day. When I need to break down and cry, he let's me and doesn't judge. When I need him to just listen to me he does. He accepts sometimes I need to push myself beyond my limits even though I know I will pay for it later (ie. going to the zoo on a hot day.... not good).

What I suggest NOT doing is:
1) Showing pity for him: yes, MS sucks, yes, some days we even get low enough we hate the world, but the look of pity in people's eyes more often than not are just insulting

2) It's good to help, but don't over help. It's bad enough when it feels like we are losing our independence, and it's nice when people offer to help, but just assuming we need help because we are having a difficult time and jumping right in just tells us you don't think we can do something. Men seem to be especially sensitive about this for some reason.

3) Another "it's a good intention.... but don't" would be the ever-fun suggestions on "curing" MS. Things like "this lady at work swears that if you weigh (insert number) and you do (insert exercise move) daily and if you eat (insert food/diet) and remove (insert food/drink/ingredient) that you will never have problems with your MS again. ...... I've had family do that to me before and once I couldn't help it and said... "Really? Does your friend have MS? Did it cure them?.... or is it a friend of a friend of a friend who will never be identified?"

[Ireland326]

Hello,
Glad to see you are really interested in being supportive and learning how to help your boyfriend out!

I am 21, was diagnosed just after I turned 18 and my boyfriend and I started dating around the same time. We had been close friends for about a year, so he was with me through the whole diagnosis process and was a great support for me. Just know that it's the simple things that mean the most- he would listen to me, laugh with me, let me cry when I needed to, tell me that no matter what was happening, he would be there. You just need to be his girlfriend, MS is just another factor in your boyfriend's life that the two of you have to navigate through. He will let you know how you can support him, and it will likely change so just be along with him for the ride

That's all I can really suggest, hope the two of you are doing well!

[BeckScandiacus]

Hey guys... I´m 18 years old, and I have a boyfriend of 19 who has MS. We have been together 2 months now, and it´s been great; he has told me about his MS and how it was really hard for him when he got diagnosed, but I´ve been supportive and loving. I was just wondering, anyone out there with my kind of story?? could you share some tips, even if you are not in this situation, and just give me some advice on how to support him??

Thank you in advance

I'm on the flip side of a similar situation. I was dx'd about six months ago. My partner and I have been through the whole thing together. She's been absolutely amazing to me... I would be a lot worse for wear if I didn't have her with me. Since my diagnosis, we've moved in together along with a mutual friend. In spite of MS, I'm happier right now than I have been in many years.
Having been there through it all, she understands better than anyone what's going on with me. She'll never know just what it's like to have this, but she understands on a level that no one else I know personally does. It's strengthened our bond together, for certain. It can make your relationship even more powerful as well. Speaking from experience, having someone there who really loves you and truly understands and cares... It's the best medicine I've encountered.

[swerty89]

Wow guys, I havent logged on here for like weeks, and its just wonderful to see that many people have responded to my post!! Thank you all for your stories, and Im proud to say, my boyfriend and I have been 4 months together now Now I will respond to each thread individually hehe

[swerty89]

I started to date my now husband 5 years ago. He told me had MS a few weeks in. How are u doing with it? 18 is very young to have to deal with MS. How is ur family responding? We dated for 3 plus years before we got married and I am still leaning about how to be a good support and what that looks like. If u ever need to talk... I'm a little older then u .... 10 years older but still knownhow it can bring up a lot of questions.

Thank you for your response Bootlesparks. I know it´s a young age, and I will admitt it, its not easy, because its something that most people dont understand... but anyways, Im really happy being with him, he´s a great guy. My family.... well, my parents are not very happy, they think Im too young to get attached in an emotional relationship with someone with MS, but I dont pay much attention to that hehe, anything can happen, and I just want to be there for him as long as we are in this relationship, and if we last more, well then great! But anyways, they´re my parents, I know they worry about me hehe...

Thank you for your offer on talking, you are very kind and could you please tell me how it was with you?? I mean, how did your family respond?? Did they know much about MS? My mom is a neurologist so she does know...

Thank you again

[swerty89]

I don't have much in common with your story, but I can look at it from a different perspective...

I'm 27 and currently going through diagnosis myself right now, in Limboland, as they call it around here...

My fiancee (28) and I have known each other for 12 years, but only really been together for the past year, and have been engaged since last Thanksgiving. I started having symptoms in January and it's only in these past few weeks that the doctors have started saying "MS."

He has been AMAZING. He has been so very supportive of everything, he's gone to my doctors appointments with me because I'm too nervous to go on my own. He's driven me to school and on errands because I'm on medications that won't let me drive. And more than anything else, he has been infinitely patient with me. I'm terrified, but I try not to let anyone else see that at home. But he has held me when I cried, he has listened to my endless repetitions of what I'm feeling physically, and has beyond that, taken this time to spoil me rotten with his devotion.

I couldn't even put into words how much it means to me that he's there, and that he's a part of this with me. And even more than that, how much it means that he's learning with me what this might mean for our future together and he hasn't budged an inch from my side. And beyond even that, he's maintained a positive attitude for me the whole time, especially when I haven't been able to.

I know you and your boyfriend are in a different part of your relationship, but what I'm trying to express is that I believe this is a scary thing for anyone, no matter how long it's been since their diagnosis, and that having a loved one there to support them and listen to them, and still LOVE them through it all is priceless.

My advice is to just be there for him. I don't know his personality, maybe he's the kind who doesn't let other people do things for him, or maybe he would welcome it, but the best thing you can do is be available to be needed. Whether that means taking care of dinner if he's feeling too crappy to cook or drive somewhere, or getting up to put in a movie, or offering to just sit and LISTEN, unbiased, un-controlling and open to what he has to say.

There will be times that he feels better and wants to take advantage of that to do things on his own and there will be times that help may be necessary. It's up to you to know him and to recognize those times. And really, that's no different from any normal healthy relationship.

Even with the MS, it's all about communication and wholeheartedly being there for the person that you love. I know that there's no way I could get through this with an upbeat outlook without my fiancee.

Kudos to you for taking on that role in his life, and it sounds like you're already doing a fine job of supporting him.

Thank you for your response Dennah and about the communication thing, he has told me about his MS, but I have never told him I have been doing research and going into forums to find out more about his condition... I think he thinks Im pretty ignorant on the subject hehe... Do you think it would be a good idea to tell him about it?? I think he will respond well, and I know you don´t know him, but from your perspective??

Thank you again

[MSBoyfriend313]

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The girl I'm dating and I are at the same point. We started about 2 months ago and she was diagnosed about a month ago. It's up and down as we await a trip to the specialist. I try to be there for her, show her I love and care and support her the best I know how to. I try to respect her desires as far as a relationship since she is very hesitant at times because she has so much going on. I'm trying to give her space when she wants it and just be a go to person otherwise. She is running the full gammit of emotions and I'm learning as I go. She's 26 and I'm 31. Best thing I've learned so far is to simply listen to her, not push her and be there. I love her...I say that without hesitation. I know what MS could be in the worst case scenario (I know some others with it, some quite progressed) I have no hesitation about being there for the long haul. Just pay attention to what he says, verbally and otherwise....