I found answers here, I found advice here. I also have to find myself.
This journey of MS is not the same for everyone. Right now, I want to cry. But I won't do it.
My journey has taken me to a place that I would have never thought a positive, confident, and forward looking person, that is adaptive to change could not see.
If you look back into my profile, I have been diagnosed since 2006, according to the physicians. I am just accepting. Yet, the struggle is real when the time comes that retirement at age 56 is upon me. Not something a sibling or lifelong friend can actually accept no less yourself. I make jokes to try to "ease" what is my reality. I miss my career. But I also appreciate the fact that I know my limitations. Do I want to be the old me...sure. Am I the old me 10 years ago... NO.
I want to continue on trying to adapt. Is this easy? Well, I want to be positive however it's difficult.
I want to cry. Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what is my life going forward. Do I really have what it takes to continue forward. Maybe I'm having one of those days. Pain, depression, what else that I can't, won't disclose.
I'm contemplating leaving my family because I want to. Not death, but being selfish. To be this person I've always been, to just make my own choices without having to have another opinion. I have a supportive family. "?" A husband, children, grandchildren. My mother is living, and I have a sister that is the best big sister anyone could have. I really can't envision a support person having my back more than she. But, I recently have questions and concerns about how she really feels about me???
So, what is my problem? I realize it. I know I do. But, I don't know. Do I want independence with a disability that could only worsen or do I want to play it safe with the family I've also been there for. I think I contribute to the family structure. As in, I try to make sure the family comes together no matter the reason or occasion. Am I selfish to feel that maybe someone else should take the wheel? But guess how that turned out the last holiday season. I, and my immediate family were left out, not included, not informed. Why? I was sick and weak. I wanted for someone else to take the wheel. And it ended up that my immediate family were the consequence of being left out of the holiday get togethers.
If I were not a part of planning it, my family was not included.
WAIT, here we go... husband just walked in and literally walked right by me. Gone. I am alone all day, every evening, but I have to be present when he cooks or I have an attitude.
I am so conflicted. I love him. He's a good provider.
I am done for today. I am so confused. Love him or leave him? But would I be leaving my entire family. Him, children, grandchildren, and extended family?
Well?
This journey of MS is not the same for everyone. Right now, I want to cry. But I won't do it.
My journey has taken me to a place that I would have never thought a positive, confident, and forward looking person, that is adaptive to change could not see.
If you look back into my profile, I have been diagnosed since 2006, according to the physicians. I am just accepting. Yet, the struggle is real when the time comes that retirement at age 56 is upon me. Not something a sibling or lifelong friend can actually accept no less yourself. I make jokes to try to "ease" what is my reality. I miss my career. But I also appreciate the fact that I know my limitations. Do I want to be the old me...sure. Am I the old me 10 years ago... NO.
I want to continue on trying to adapt. Is this easy? Well, I want to be positive however it's difficult.
I want to cry. Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what is my life going forward. Do I really have what it takes to continue forward. Maybe I'm having one of those days. Pain, depression, what else that I can't, won't disclose.
I'm contemplating leaving my family because I want to. Not death, but being selfish. To be this person I've always been, to just make my own choices without having to have another opinion. I have a supportive family. "?" A husband, children, grandchildren. My mother is living, and I have a sister that is the best big sister anyone could have. I really can't envision a support person having my back more than she. But, I recently have questions and concerns about how she really feels about me???
So, what is my problem? I realize it. I know I do. But, I don't know. Do I want independence with a disability that could only worsen or do I want to play it safe with the family I've also been there for. I think I contribute to the family structure. As in, I try to make sure the family comes together no matter the reason or occasion. Am I selfish to feel that maybe someone else should take the wheel? But guess how that turned out the last holiday season. I, and my immediate family were left out, not included, not informed. Why? I was sick and weak. I wanted for someone else to take the wheel. And it ended up that my immediate family were the consequence of being left out of the holiday get togethers.
If I were not a part of planning it, my family was not included.
WAIT, here we go... husband just walked in and literally walked right by me. Gone. I am alone all day, every evening, but I have to be present when he cooks or I have an attitude.
I am so conflicted. I love him. He's a good provider.
I am done for today. I am so confused. Love him or leave him? But would I be leaving my entire family. Him, children, grandchildren, and extended family?
Well?
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