Do I cut my mom out of my life?

[Daisycat]

I’m sure everyone here knows how I view this lovely disease by now so I’ll skip to my issue...

My mom is extremely religious and is one of those people who thinks this life doesn’t matter because all that matters is eternal life.

Well I am a hardcore atheist so I have a very hard time dealing with her telling me it shouldn’t matter if I have to spend 20 years blind or in a wheelchair or even 100 % paralyzed on a respirator because all that matters is eternal life.

I cant deal with this anymore. I don’t believe In the after life so I’m more concerned about my life now.

And apparently me saying I wouldn’t want to be kept alive by a machine for 20 years meant she was going to “talk to my dad about getting me help”..,

thankfully she has no legal power over me. My boyfriend is my medical power of attorney and my dad is number two (and my dad thinks she’s kinda crazy sometimes)

I love her and I don’t want to cut her out of my life, but she has to accept that my life is the way it is and I’m never going to shout from the rooftops about this and I’m never going to be the same person I was 14 months ago.

Sorry for the complaining... it’s just every time I think I might be at least accomplishing some of my goals and can be happy about that at least she always has to ruin it.

[Myoak]

If our parents live long enough there is a process taking place where we become the grown-up and they become the child. There are certain things (attitudes, behaviors) we accept with a grain of salt because we have the maturity of a grown-up.

Daisycat, your mother is only expressing her love for you. She is expressing love, concern, care according to who she is and what she believes. It is not up to you to ignore or disrespect your mother's views about anything even when you are annoyed or offended by her views. You are the grown-up now. You have to absorb offenses and still love; with real love, true love.

Hug your Mom today and tell her you love her. Let her say anything she wishes without correcting or protesting. Thank her for loving you, because that is exactly what she is expressing by telling you what is important to her. You don't have to adopt her position on anything but you do have to respect her views because she is the only mother you will ever have. Just love her.

Respect and honor her for having and raising the beautiful, wonderful, talented daughter you have become. Today is not a day about correcting theology, politics, or philosophy it is about loving your family and those close to you.

Love your mother, be expressive about loving her and see what a miracle of joy that produces in everyone you are with today.

Happy Thanksgiving, Daisycat!

[msgijo]

Daisycat, It may surprise you. but I also have no wish to live via machines. And that I do have an "escape plan" which can be carried out anywhere short of total paralysis.

That being said let me chime in here. I agree with Myoak as far as that is just the way that your mother is showing her love for you. I have made my wishes known to my mother and while she doesn't really agree with me we have managed to get along well by simply letting it go (we don't discuss that any more).
My husband has power of attorney with my daughter 2nd. He will discuss with her any decisions but he has the ultimate authority as long as he lives and if able to carry it out. My daughter loves me but is practical enough to realize that I have thought about this and she knows my reasons, so she and my husband will do their best to abide by my wishes.

If you mother has no legal grounds to interfere with your wishes then yes, by all means disreguard what she is saying - in a respectful manner.

In the interim I will continue to live my life in as full a manner as I can and not dread what may never happen (I HAVE had 25 good years here!).
Love her and be thankful for her (in spite of the fact that she is annoying to you). There is not a need to remove her from your life. Limit time together? Maybe. But give her the love that you have for her and please have a Happy Thanksgiving!

[Daisycat]

Myoak


Since I disagree with her views 100% and she is aware of this I feel like she should respect me enough to stop trying to change me into the extreme Christian conservative she wishes I was. I have been respectful. I haven’t said what I am really thinking ,just a mild view that I disagree, and I will not ever be the kind to shout that I have this from the roof tops or the kind that still is able to find joy in anything.




msgijo


My mom doesn’t even know about my final plan I have in place. She would lose it. All I said is I wouldn’t want to live for 20 years on a machine and she lost it. If I could express my views to her without her interrupting me and insisting that god and somehow still being happy is the only way to go it could be different. I feel that she cannot respect my view (she only knows the mild version) of how my life is so I think that’s why it is hard for me to respect hers.





Hope you guys all have a good thanksgiving. I am going to go back to my Netflix binge and dog before I go work out again. Thankfully no one in my family is doing anything and my boyfriend said I didn’t need to go with him since he knows I am doing a extremely strict diet at the moment and I am the kind of person who if I stop for one day I lose all will power.

[Jules A]

I agree that your Mom loves you and I'm sure in her own way is expressing her concern for both your life here and the eternal thing, whatever that is.

Even without MS parents can get on our nerves especially when we disagree on fundamental issues. I would hope you will continue to remain in her life with appropriate boundaries even if that means taking a break from her on occasion. I'd probably insist we didn't discuss religion at all. She could pray for me to her hearts content and I would respect her faith but I would decline to engage at all.

Its ok to agree to disagree especially since you are grown, independent and have a supportive partner.

[Temagami]

I´d consider making her a refrigerator magnet with a list of 3 ways she can support you. Then, you get to choose the form of support and by being on her fridge it´s a daily reminder. Since praying for you out loud and in person won´t be on your list, maybe she´ll get the message.

This of course would put you in the position of thinking just how you do want her support. Can you generate a list of doable things?

[MarkLavelle]

While I agree that what your mother says comes from love, you're both adults and I don't see any reason to appease her.

You're an atheist, so tell her (every time she plays the god/heaven card)!

If she can't accept that, it really is her problem, not yours...

[Daisycat]

Jules

I really wish my mom could respect my views. My dad is religious and he doesn't even bring up his faith. I know where he stands and he knows where I stand. If it ever chances we will let the other one know. My mom is the type who does not give up about it no matter how much I ask her to stop.
It gets very frustrating.

Temagami

I love that idea. Sound like a nice little something she needs

MarkLavelle

I agree 100%. I wish we could just both respect the other's views and leave it alone. I am fine with her beliving in whatever. My problem is when she pushes and pushed it on me and starts ranting about how I need help because I do not believe.

[Mamabug]

Daisy, yeah. I think your mom loves you. Her beliefs might lead her to worry about life after death issues and your salvation.

I wonder if your mom has heard of Christian Universalism.

Christian universalism is a school of Christian theology
focused around the doctrine of universal reconciliation –
the view that all human beings will ultimately be "saved" and
restored to a right relationship with God.

She likely won't consider this as a possibility, but it could give her peace of mind. Her job could be to pray, silently, for you, if she feels she needs to do something.

She can leave the rest in the hands of the loving God that she trusts.

[Daisycat]

Daisy, yeah. I think your mom loves you. Her beliefs might lead her to worry about life after death issues and your salvation.

I wonder if your mom has heard of Christian Universalism.

Christian universalism is a school of Christian theology
focused around the doctrine of universal reconciliation –
the view that all human beings will ultimately be "saved" and
restored to a right relationship with God.

She likely won't consider this as a possibility, but it could give her peace of mind. Her job could be to pray, silently, for you, if she feels she needs to do something.

She can leave the rest in the hands of the loving God that she trusts.

I might send her this. That would be amazing if she could be silent and keep her praying to herself.

[palmtree]

The responses have been wise. I wish I could be that loving in the face of a situation like that. You see, I have a mom like that, too. You’ve done the right thing. Your mom has no legal authority to participate in your end of life wishes.

At least she has not lost your love for her. But I see that she is persistent and won’t take no for an answer. Mothers are sacred so it’s hard to face these things directly. But you may need to tell her, if you persist in trying to change my beliefs I will have to stop our conversations. She may not believe you but if you have to you will not be a bad person.

[Mamabug]

I might send her this. That would be amazing if she could be silent and keep her praying to herself.

Please feel free to do that. Your Mom loves you. Thank her for caring enough to worry. Thank her for caring enough to pray. Remind her that the God she believes in, if He exists, also loves you and, if He is there He will hear her prayers.

You think you know what's best for your boyfriend; your mom thinks she knows what's best for you.

Your boyfriend should be able to make his own adult decision about whether to leave or stay. You should be able to make your own adult decision about whether you believe in God.

Your mom might not quit worrying about your salvation. You might not quit worrying about the burden you might put on your boyfriend.

But you can both choose to accept what you can't change. One if those things you can't change is the other person's mind.

[pennstater]

Please feel free to do that. Your Mom loves you. Thank her for caring enough to worry. Thank her for caring enough to pray. Remind her that the God she believes in, if He exists, also loves you and, if He is there He will hear her prayers.

You think you know what's best for your boyfriend; your mom thinks she knows what's best for you.

Your boyfriend should be able to make his own adult decision about whether to leave or stay. You should be able to make your own adult decision about whether you believe in God.

Your mom might not quit worrying about your salvation. You might not quit worrying about the burden you might put on your boyfriend.

But you can both choose to accept what you can't change. One if those things you can't change is the other person's mind.

Very wise words Faith.

[Jules A]

Daisy, yeah. I think your mom loves you. Her beliefs might lead her to worry about life after death issues and your salvation.

I wonder if your mom has heard of Christian Universalism.

Christian universalism is a school of Christian theology
focused around the doctrine of universal reconciliation –
the view that all human beings will ultimately be "saved" and
restored to a right relationship with God.

She likely won't consider this as a possibility, but it could give her peace of mind. Her job could be to pray, silently, for you, if she feels she needs to do something.

She can leave the rest in the hands of the loving God that she trusts.

This is perfect advice. Where is that like button?

[sarabeach123]

Please feel free to do that. Your Mom loves you. Thank her for caring enough to worry. Thank her for caring enough to pray. Remind her that the God she believes in, if He exists, also loves you and, if He is there He will hear her prayers.

You think you know what's best for your boyfriend; your mom thinks she knows what's best for you.

Your boyfriend should be able to make his own adult decision about whether to leave or stay. You should be able to make your own adult decision about whether you believe in God.

Your mom might not quit worrying about your salvation. You might not quit worrying about the burden you might put on your boyfriend.

But you can both choose to accept what you can't change. One if those things you can't change is the other person's mind.

Such amazing advice - thank you! I remind myself daily that it is impossible to change other people's minds, not matter how much you may wish to. And that dwelling on it only causes undue stress on yourself.