A little more about guilt. We had accumulated so much equipment, medicine, dressings, compression socks, finally a hospital bed. This stuff was everywhere. Some of it was never used and the bed was here for one night. One day Sam said to me "I'll bet you'll be glad to get your house back". He was right. By that time I just wanted him to go on and I wanted all the medical stuff to go so I could clean up again. Maybe by that time he kind of knew he was almost finished.
We started cleaning out his room right away. Gave his clothes away ( he was not a clothing person ). Donated his books and movies. I bought new bedding for his room that no one will probably ever use. Shortly after the wake I had our bathroom remodeled to fix a bathtub leak. Then I had my son put in a new kitchen faucet. I just launched into fixing little things that Sam and I had talked about and planned to do. His room is kind of like a shrine now. Just his picture, his flag, his military hats. The dressers and closet are empty. Do you know how selfish this makes me feel? I did want him to pass... because he wanted to... because I wanted his suffering to end and because... I'm OCD and wanted a clean, neat house again. I wanted to be able to lower the volume on the tv. I wanted to be able to turn off the lights at night. (We kept them on so he could see his way to the bathroom at night). I wanted to be able to slow myself down.
Most of all I want to know what was in his mind as he passed. Did he know I loved him and that we would all miss him? I whispered that in his ear the last night and that morning just before he passed. I kept telling him it was okay for him to go. I just want him to know he was cared for and loved. I'm having a very hard time believing in any afterlife. I don't believe that our loved ones are looking down on us. That would make heaven an unhappy place if they could see us suffering or making mistakes. How would that be heaven for them?
I'm so sorry for unloading on you all. But it feels so good to be able to put my words down. I'm bawling the whole time, but I guess it's therapeutic to a point. Thanks so much for allowing me to use MSWorld for something non MS.
We started cleaning out his room right away. Gave his clothes away ( he was not a clothing person ). Donated his books and movies. I bought new bedding for his room that no one will probably ever use. Shortly after the wake I had our bathroom remodeled to fix a bathtub leak. Then I had my son put in a new kitchen faucet. I just launched into fixing little things that Sam and I had talked about and planned to do. His room is kind of like a shrine now. Just his picture, his flag, his military hats. The dressers and closet are empty. Do you know how selfish this makes me feel? I did want him to pass... because he wanted to... because I wanted his suffering to end and because... I'm OCD and wanted a clean, neat house again. I wanted to be able to lower the volume on the tv. I wanted to be able to turn off the lights at night. (We kept them on so he could see his way to the bathroom at night). I wanted to be able to slow myself down.
Most of all I want to know what was in his mind as he passed. Did he know I loved him and that we would all miss him? I whispered that in his ear the last night and that morning just before he passed. I kept telling him it was okay for him to go. I just want him to know he was cared for and loved. I'm having a very hard time believing in any afterlife. I don't believe that our loved ones are looking down on us. That would make heaven an unhappy place if they could see us suffering or making mistakes. How would that be heaven for them?
I'm so sorry for unloading on you all. But it feels so good to be able to put my words down. I'm bawling the whole time, but I guess it's therapeutic to a point. Thanks so much for allowing me to use MSWorld for something non MS.
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