I have considered going to a therapist but the thing is I don’t know how I can get over the humiliation that this curse causes. And like I have said I will NEVER accept this. I can’t imagine living in this much pain for another 30-40 or even 50 years. I have my 10 year plan… I am only hoping this disease doesn’t ruin it. I would hate to be at a point to where I can’t do anything. I have all the things signed to not keep me alive on life support, but to me even being unable to think normally aren’t living.
And I should be ashamed because I am not going to be able to function in a few years (5 , 10 , 20). I am going to be in an assisted living facility when I should be enjoying my retirement. I feel that people will look at me and think defiantly of me. I think everyone at work would always be checking everything I do and not trust me to work on living creatures. The shame comes from the fact that I feel like I will never be all the things I dreamed about and wanted for so long. I can’t explain WHY I gave up on my dreams to people, but I feel like they would just view me as a person with a rotted brain who shouldn’t be working with living creatures.
I think “cog fog” is my biggest fear. (Besides the blind/paralyzed thing). I would have to go on disability because I am terrified everyday now that my mind is going to go and I am going to accidently hurt a patient. How would I explain that to the owners? Sorry but I was to selfish to go on disability and my rotted brain made me accidently caused your dog to die…
And no I would not be humiliated about being diabetic… maybe heart failure. I do not mean to offend anyone by this next thing but I honestly feel like I am defective and should not have ever been born. I know I will never get past this feeling. I know what end stage of this curse looks like and I would not wish that on anyone.
I think I have been in the bargaining stage and anger and depression for the past year. It is REALLY bad this week since this is when in my mind my life ended a year ago. I would honestly give ANYTHING if I could just not know I had this and live in ignorance that my body is slowly rotting away.
Hopefully my new neurologist will be a decent human being and not a grouchy bitter man like the last one. I swear if I ever treated my patients half as bad as he treated me I would be fired and lose my license. I think he is what made me feel 10 times worse than I already did which I didn’t think was possible.
And I should be ashamed because I am not going to be able to function in a few years (5 , 10 , 20). I am going to be in an assisted living facility when I should be enjoying my retirement. I feel that people will look at me and think defiantly of me. I think everyone at work would always be checking everything I do and not trust me to work on living creatures. The shame comes from the fact that I feel like I will never be all the things I dreamed about and wanted for so long. I can’t explain WHY I gave up on my dreams to people, but I feel like they would just view me as a person with a rotted brain who shouldn’t be working with living creatures.
I think “cog fog” is my biggest fear. (Besides the blind/paralyzed thing). I would have to go on disability because I am terrified everyday now that my mind is going to go and I am going to accidently hurt a patient. How would I explain that to the owners? Sorry but I was to selfish to go on disability and my rotted brain made me accidently caused your dog to die…
And no I would not be humiliated about being diabetic… maybe heart failure. I do not mean to offend anyone by this next thing but I honestly feel like I am defective and should not have ever been born. I know I will never get past this feeling. I know what end stage of this curse looks like and I would not wish that on anyone.
I think I have been in the bargaining stage and anger and depression for the past year. It is REALLY bad this week since this is when in my mind my life ended a year ago. I would honestly give ANYTHING if I could just not know I had this and live in ignorance that my body is slowly rotting away.
Hopefully my new neurologist will be a decent human being and not a grouchy bitter man like the last one. I swear if I ever treated my patients half as bad as he treated me I would be fired and lose my license. I think he is what made me feel 10 times worse than I already did which I didn’t think was possible.
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