I feel stupid.

[kittysmith]

I have been under a tremedous ammount of stress lately. Problems back home with my mentally ill mother who puts me down, yells at me all the time, and tells me I'm not good enough (at least I'm too old for the physical abuse). She is a story unto herself.
My MIL died of breast cancer last week. It was a quick decline and a tough loss for the whole family. My mother, a narcissist, was actually jealous of the attention paid to my MIL.

Anyway, I've been burning the candle at both ends. Not eating or sleeping well. I've been at my job for 13 years and this was a first...I fell asleep at work! Instead of checking to see if I was okay, they took pictures of me and sent them to my boss. HR made me go home. My boss was very understanding, spoke to HR, and I was allowed to come back to work.

My cog fog is terrible. I can't get the words out when I talk. I get tongue tied. We were short staffed last week and extremely busy. The Lead called me out in front of everyone in the office and fussed at me for not getting done more quickly. I was doing the work of 2 people. I'm good at my job. I'm not going anywhere (I hope).

I just feel so stupid and inadequate. I feel like everyone hates me (though that may be my low self esteem talking). Does anyone else feel bad because MS messes with your body and mind?

** Moderator's note - Post broken into paragraphs for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print. **

[Jules A]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. That your co-workers took a picture and sent to your boss is disgusting. I'm assuming they know about your MS? If not I'd definitely bring that out as they are possibly gathering data to document a decline in performance.

In that regard if you are actually doing the work of two people it might be time to set boundaries and realistic expectations because getting reprimanded for not doing twice the work is not only unrealistic but also unfair.

[Seasha]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. That your co-workers took a picture and sent to your boss is disgusting. I'm assuming they know about your MS? If not I'd definitely bring that out as they are possibly gathering data to document a decline in performance.

In that regard if you are actually doing the work of two people it might be time to set boundaries and realistic expectations because getting reprimanded for not doing twice the work is not only unrealistic but also unfair.

I agree wholeheartedly here and I'm sorry this happened to you. Not only are you dealing with MS, but the death of a family member is high up on the list life's stressors.

Most of all, you are NOT stupid or inadequate! (and yes, this could be the false voices in your head, based on low self esteem- I've been there having a verbally abusive father, now deceased) You have a lot going on - anyone would crumble even those without MS! Please take care of yourself.

I don't have any advice, but know we are here for you

[kittysmith]

thank you

Thank you for your responses. Last night, right before I left work, someone from night shift handed me a sticky note that basically said several people thought I was being treated like crap, being bullied and should speak to HR. I'm going to sit down with my manager this week.

My MS symptoms (RRMS diagnosed in 2008) seem to cause others to be frustrated. Things like Cog Fog. I'm trying to tell someone something and the make a hand gesture telling me to hurry up or making fun of me for not remembering. I can't work overtime, so they treat those that can with respect and make a big deal about them coming in on their days off. I got called in the office one day because I was slurring my words. I had to have my MS doc write a note that slurred speach is common with MS. The kicker? I work with a room full of nurses who know good and well what MS is. Guess it's just more fun to pick on the underdog.

I'm tired of having to prove myself to people who don't understand my disease. They only see it from their point of view and never consider how it makes me feel. Guess i'm just gonna have to get thicker skin.

[Seasha]

It sounds like although people are bullying you, others are sticking up for you. I'm glad you are going to talk to your manager about this ongoing problem and hope they can help set things straight for you.

Stick to your guns, kittysmith! Don't be afraid to speak out when others are being insensitive. Kindly let them know how you feel. This might also be a good opportunity to educate them about MS, even if they are nurses.

And yes, many of us have had to grow thicker skins. It's called self-preservation.
Take care!

[Myoak]

Hi Kitty!

We all feel some of the same emotions as you have felt lately at times in our lives.


But it is true that with MS emotions often swing a much wider arc than we wish.


IMO, Kitty, you are a perfect candidate for LDN. It elevates endorphins and seems to benefit the majority of MSers taking it. I believe LDN would be a benefit to you, Kitty.


Of course, do all the things you know is best for you... lower stress by managing it, develop techniques for doing so. Eat well, rest well, exercise lightly, be sweet and kind and those qualities will eventually return to you multiplied.


Life is an amazing gift and you will enjoy it more as you lift your eyes to see other lives you can touch in compassion with understanding. The strong and arrogant do not need your love nearly as much as those who are weak.

My prayer and desire is that you touch someone's life you would have missed were you not looking. You are the perfect person to lift someone from despair with a kind word or act because you have experienced deep pain within your own being and the compassion you have as a result is the healing balm you may apply when you see the need in someone.


"The mark of rank in nature is capacity for pain, And the anguish of the singer marks the sweetness of the strain." Sarah Williams


Oh Kitty! Don't you know? You are the bomb!!!!!

[Temagami]

Hereīs a line that might work with your mother whenever she makes a critical statement, "Thank you, Iīll take that under consideration." When I started using that, it ended the criticism and in my head I told myself that it was my polite version of something much stronger. And then I just tossed it from my mind.

As for your work environment, please document what people are doing but know that it means nothing if HR does not get informed. They must address harassment but canīt be held to rectify what they donīt know.

[kittysmith]

so helpful

Thank you all for your kind words. I have MS, a full time job, a child with autism, recent death of my MIL, and continued abuse from my mother. I feel like the weight of the world is on me. I am doing my best to please everyone, but it seems to never be enough.

I got an unexpected call from HR today wanting to meet with me. She stressed that I was not in trouble, but we had to meet face to face. I am still very nervous. My therapist told me the "Falling Asleep" thing was actually a well known reaction/akin to narcolepsy, that happens during extremely stressful times. She is writing me a letter to take to my appointment with HR.

I'll keep you all updated. Thankful to have people who understand and really care.