Going home again...

[MSW1963]

Kittysmith, I apologize if I offended you. I've never considered your questions or concerns a waste of time. If I felt that your post were a waste of time, I would not have spent time responding.

My only intention was to offer you an alternative way to view the difficult decision about traveling, confronting unpleasant people you happen to share DNA with, and to offer you a bit of encouragement and strength if at all possible possible.

You sound like a kind person and again my only intention was to encourage you to be strong and confront the bullies and the demons in your past.

[Thinkimjob]

We're all trying so hard to help, because we care about you.

We seem to be getting it wrong. Do you just want to express your feelings, or do you want suggestions and advice?
Please stop doing the "everyone hates me, I won't bother anymore" thing. I'm almost too scared to post, lest I upset you. And that's the last thing I want to do.

We like you and we want to help if we can.

[KatieAgain]

I too apologize if my response upset you. I wish you luck and hope it works out for you.

[tejokid]

Kitty, your background and mine are similar in a lot of ways, so what you're facing resonates with me. By having to go back "home" to recover the parts of your past that matter, it might feel like you're entering a long, black cave, knowing full well that there are familiar dragons ready to burn you with rejection and loathing, adding to the scars you already carry. It's bad enough under normal circumstances, but MS adds its own set of insults when the last thing you want or need is another dragon to deal with.

I am sorry you have to go, and I'm sorry for the pain you have to wade through, both now and in the future. I hope that when the arrogant and bullying voices try to beat you down that you will be able to feel your dad's spirit right beside you so you are not alone. Be careful, physically, and be a guardian to your own aching heart. It's one of those things--sometimes we need the emotional equivalent of pads and helmets like football players wear. Somebody really needs to invent something like that.

My thoughts will be with you as you go, but I know the trip won't be "over" when you return home, any more than the past is over when you become an adult. One thing that has helped me deal with dragons is a Health Journeys CD called "Healing Trauma: Guided Imagery for Post Traumatic Stress" by Belleruth Naparstek. (Now there's a name for ya.) PTSD applies to survivors of all kinds of wars, including the ones of fractured families and abusive childhoods.

I think growing up with abuse is brain changer. I, too, feel ignored or criticized on this board so I don't post very often. Feelings like that are hard wired into us--part of the old operating systems our families installed, and good luck finding updates for something like that. I know my feelings of hurt--the oversensitivity, the flinching because someone's tone or attitude wakes the dragon--perplexes others. Heck, it perplexes me too. Bring back what you need--physically, emotionally--and leave the rest on the curb. God speed.

[pennstater]

Hi Kitty,

I do understand why you need to make the trip. I hope when you get back, your grandmother's and father's possessions help you heal. I hope that when you are down, you can look at these things and remind yourself of their love and see in yourself what they did.

I can only imagine the pain your mother's abuse caused. At least you realize she had some mental illness, which I give you a ton of credit for.

My heart goes out to you. I am in the process of cleaning my parent's house out. It is stressful, but I am fortunate to get along with my family. It is painful in a different way from what you are experiencing.

I truly hope you find comfort in what you bring back with you.

People here really do care about you and want to help and give you a place to let your thoughts and feelings out. As everyone's course with MS is different, so are each of our responses and our reactions to responses. And on any given day, our feelings about the same post can change. We are all on this rollercoaster ride together. While we all need to get off the ride sometimes, we get back on as this is the one place people understand.

Please let us know how you make out.

[JerryD]

kitty,
I have read this thread several times and I am truly touched by your struggle. In my working days, my best and favorite workmates were from your neck of the woods, Memphis, Knoxville and Nashville. I travelled there several times. I am hoping that you can and will be strong. I am pulling for you. You are not nothing. You are someone like me. I wish you well. Good luck

[kittysmith]

Please don't tell me what to say and not say.

We're all trying so hard to help, because we care about you.

We seem to be getting it wrong. Do you just want to express your feelings, or do you want suggestions and advice?
Please stop doing the "everyone hates me, I won't bother anymore" thing. I'm almost too scared to post, lest I upset you. And that's the last thing I want to do.
We like you and we want to help if we can.

I don't know what I want, Job. A little sympathy and a few kind words of encouragement? But please don't tell me what I can and cannot say. That's exactly what I am talking about. I clearly stated that
I was venting. My family tries to tell me what to say and what not to say. You just can't do that. I've read your posts. I have ached with you and prayed for you. I would never go to someone who is clearly hanging by a thread and tell them to not say something. You seem to be implying that I am looking for attention. I am. I am looking for people who will accept me for who I am and treat me with some kindness. I am lonely. Is it okay to say that? Just as I am doing in my life right now, I will learn to stay silent.

Thanks to all of you who gave me kind words and made me feel special and wanted. You are appreciated. I hold you dear to my heart. I want nothing but the best for each and every one of you.

Thank you, Thinkimjob, for reminding me that a lot of people don't want to hear what I have to say. I'm too afraid to say the wrong thing. What I hear you saying is, "Stop with your rubbish. Nobody wants to hear it." Whether you meant to or not, you really hurt my feelings.

I think the best think for me to do is just keep my feelings to myself. Thanks to those who did try to help. It just takes one person treating me like they are sick of me for me to shut down completely. Sorry.

[Mamabug]

I'm glad to hear, Kitty, that you've found some positives in this, such as your grandmother's parlor furniture.

And, I, too, hope that you can learn to love yourself.

[Kimba22]

Hi kitty,

I'm sorry you will be facing such hurtful and disrespectful family when you go home. Would be hard enough without having MS. I'm also sorry if you are faced with no other choice but to sleep on your mother's couch. I would dread such a trip, too.

Your belongings obviously hold a very special place in your heart to subject yourself to these people again by making this trip back home. I hope any memories you have from the trip won't diminish that.

Not sure what I'm looking for. I guess just hearing some support from you all would make me feel better about myself.

I really believe anyone offering suggestions is only doing so with intent of offering you support, hoping something might make this easier for you. Of course, only you will know if any of it is helpful. I also don't think anyone wants to hurt your feelings. With a very rare exception, that's just not how any of us are! We read about the struggles (and triumphs, however small) we all face and do our best to be a source of strength for each other. In that way, we really are a family that cares deeply about each other.

You are worthy of so much more love and understanding than your brother or mother have ever given to you. Please don't let them take any more of your spirit than they already have. I hope once you get your things, you won't subject yourself to ever dealing with them again. You need to focus on your own health and life, which now includes your son and husband. It's just not worth all the pain they've inflicted on your life, and because of that, are also inflicting on your new family. And it certainly isn't helping your MS.

I only wish I could somehow take away all the heartache they've caused, and added stresses they've created in your life. Unfortunately, that's a battle only you can fight. I also hope you will learn to love yourself again.

Stay strong, kitty. Good luck.

[kittysmith]

Thanks, again....

I realize no one is out to hurt my feelings, but when you hear someone tell you to "drop" the things that are in your heart, I don't know how to react. I'm just not good with people anymore. Guess that's why I'm alone all the time. It's just better to keep silent. Thanks again. I have been really touched by many of the things that you all have said. I'll just stick with my journal for a while. I feel really stupid for even bringing this up. Thanks for your time. It's about time for me to have my evening crying jag.

Kitty

[Seasha]

Dear Kitty~ You have gotten a lot of encouraging words and support here from you MS family - What I want to express has already been "spoken" here by some very loving people. All I can add is some prayers that your trip will go smooth and you don't wear yourself out. You are fortunate to get some of your grandmother's and father's possessions. I'm sure you will treasure them!

(If you would like me to close this thread, I will do so. If not, that's OK too! It's completely up to you!)