OK, I'm totally confused

[Marie12]

I've been married for thirty eight years. I'm fifty seven years old. I ask my husband this afternoon, if he would get my electric wheelchair out, so I could ride it up and down the street, to get a little outside air. His response was, "So, do you want me to help you?"

Ok, I am thoroughly confused. I do was and hang up my clothes, get myself something to eat.

Should I be asking for more help, or should I just shut up?

Seriously, I am confused.

[Mamabug]

I'm sorry you are not receiving much assistance or empathy from your husband. From your "Join Date" (2009), I suspect you've had MS for awhile. Is this a new type of response from him, or has it been going on for awhile?

~ Faith

[Marco]

That response does not seem appropriate for your request. Maybe something else is eating at him. After 38 years, I am sure you know him better than anyone else. It's hard for caregivers and now and again they need a good break (respite) or someone to listen and care for them. My wife has needs that I do not have. One goal is to ensure her needs are met so that she is not lacking. Then she is better equipped to help meet my needs. Are your husbands needs being met?

Men usually have a harder time communicating, especially concerning out emotions. For now, I would let him know that you are willing to listen to him, if and when he wants to share. If he is unresponsive just move away and give him time to think about your offer. Hopefully, he will communicate with you the root of the problem so together you can resolve it. You may also consider counseling if that seems necessary. If he won't go with you then see about going alone. I wish you both well ...

[Marie12]

Thank you all, you are correct

I get very upset, when he spends the day with his brother, playing golf. I used to be very athletic, but now I get to fix the blankets on my bed for exercise.

You are correct. I need to find some things where I can be out and about. Yes, a half hour isn't very long, but it's all I need to be outside for a half hour.

I knew that you would be able to help me. Besides working, he does need an entire day to be away from me.

I was never competitive, and he could always hit the golf ball farther than me, but I always hit the ball straight. I did get a 'hole in one' once on a hundred yard hole. I looked and looked and couldn't find my ball. Well I found it, it was in the cup.

: )

[Marco]

MS is so hard on both patients and caregivers. It sounds like you are still angry about your losses and turned some of that anger on your husband. I know it is frustrating when your brain wants to do something, but your body refuses. Grieving is completely normal, but we can't let it get out of hand and hurt our relationships. That can happen when we are grieving our own losses and forget our spouse also has needs. Our limitations should not become a restriction (noose) around our spouse’s life (neck). We should not begrudge them for still being normal. I always try to remember when my wife is doing well; she's better able to take care of me. Still, I want her to experience life to the full, both with and without me.

Maybe when he has a golf day you can schedule your own activities. This would allow both of you to have a fun day and both get a break. Have a friend come over for a visit. Rent a movie or two. Get a new book. Learn a hobby (knitting, puzzles, or painting). You can also have your husband ready your power chair before he leaves. That will allow you to get outside while he's gone so you don't feel trapped.

My wife and I have only been married 6 years, but when she travels I feel somewhat lost. I can’t imagine how lost I would feel after 38 years or marriage. Whatever you do, let him know that you love, need and appreciate him. He might not be sappy, but it's still nice to know that your spouse loves you. I also hope you have the opportunity to speak with a grief counselor, minister or other qualified professional. Don’t beat yourself up for grieving or being normal, just realize you have the power to make a positive change.

[pennstater]

Marie,

My husband and I had to have a similar conversation. I was sending him mixed messages. Sometimes irritated when he helped me, sometimes irritated when he didn't....sometimes with the same task.

It was my frustration at not always being able to do what I want consistently. When you have always been independent to begin with, help can be a hard thing. It represents grief and loss.

After a good heart to heart and explaining why help is so emotional for Mr, we have been much better. It is on me to clearly communicate with him and on him to let me know if I am again if I start mixing messages or giving him attitude.

[Marie12]

Thank you, you are correct

And in the Jason movie, they ask us to ask ourselves, "Are we really alone?" That is a tough question, but I imagine that I am really alone.

My entire life, I've tried to be the helpful one, the one who could still accomplish. But now, "Even though I look good," I am asking for help. Now I'm receiving a lot of "no's." They say, "You look good." So, the work of the sit down showers, clean hair, etc, does me no good? I forget that I just took a shower, fifteen minutes later, so what good was that.

It's a good thing I don't like baths, or I'd be in there all day. : )

I worked on the "gluten free" stuff fine. But now I'm pre-diabetic. I guess I wasn't supposed to eat that much rice. I know you can't give medical advice, but is anyone else pre-diabetic?