A year ago today was my last normal day. Broad Street Run, a nap in the hammock looking at the sun fragmented through the leaves, and then a night drinking for cinco de mayo downtown. It was cold in the morning, but then it warmed up. Thought I'd just pulled a muscle or slept on my leg wrong, and the rest is probably similar to our collective histories.
In between teaching or tutoring I'd read this pathology professor's notes. They were always compassionate, funny, enlightening, and full of images. I opened the Nervous System section and scrolled down past the dementias and the TBI. "Dread neurological condition." The only other qualifier for this distinction was lupus. "The patient with lupus will look healthy, but they really are quite sick."
I sat for a long time staring at the screen. Feeling sorry for people with MS. With lupus. For myself. I wish I could say that I've "back burnered" it as people in professional positions are wont to tell me to do. Truth is, I am just as scared, just as bitter, and just as fearful of the unknown as 3, 6, 8 months ago. I was proactive with treatment and never asked why me, although after living a healthy life the unfairness and capriciousness of it still occasionally gnaws. I agree with KateAgain, "they" should fix this, "this" should never happen to anyone.
In retrospect, I may have created a perfect storm. Avoiding the sun hysterically so I could look 45 when I was 60. Undergoing ART to maximize conception. Having surgery in Feb. Getting food poisoning. My one food vice, slathering everything with salt. I never knew most of these things could hurt you. I try not to think about them, done is done.
I am grateful for my vision, that it wasn't cancer, that I apparently walk normally and can even run around a little bit. I am devastated that I have lost my attention span, quick retorts, aspects of executive function. Can I do this for 20, 30 years? Do you settle into a growing inventory of deficits and acute attacks that blind you and prevent you from using the toilet like a normal human being and throwing the thing to put in the fridge away and the trash hand thing into the fridge? These things in isolation maybe you can be brave and accept. Collectively, yeah, pretty "dread."
In between teaching or tutoring I'd read this pathology professor's notes. They were always compassionate, funny, enlightening, and full of images. I opened the Nervous System section and scrolled down past the dementias and the TBI. "Dread neurological condition." The only other qualifier for this distinction was lupus. "The patient with lupus will look healthy, but they really are quite sick."
I sat for a long time staring at the screen. Feeling sorry for people with MS. With lupus. For myself. I wish I could say that I've "back burnered" it as people in professional positions are wont to tell me to do. Truth is, I am just as scared, just as bitter, and just as fearful of the unknown as 3, 6, 8 months ago. I was proactive with treatment and never asked why me, although after living a healthy life the unfairness and capriciousness of it still occasionally gnaws. I agree with KateAgain, "they" should fix this, "this" should never happen to anyone.
In retrospect, I may have created a perfect storm. Avoiding the sun hysterically so I could look 45 when I was 60. Undergoing ART to maximize conception. Having surgery in Feb. Getting food poisoning. My one food vice, slathering everything with salt. I never knew most of these things could hurt you. I try not to think about them, done is done.
I am grateful for my vision, that it wasn't cancer, that I apparently walk normally and can even run around a little bit. I am devastated that I have lost my attention span, quick retorts, aspects of executive function. Can I do this for 20, 30 years? Do you settle into a growing inventory of deficits and acute attacks that blind you and prevent you from using the toilet like a normal human being and throwing the thing to put in the fridge away and the trash hand thing into the fridge? These things in isolation maybe you can be brave and accept. Collectively, yeah, pretty "dread."
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