Too many visitors...

[socalgirl]

We happen to live in a beautiful place that is a vacation area for fishing, hiking, everything outdoors. We have only lived here 10 months and moved here for the peace and slower lifestyle with my MS. However, we have had too many visitors and it is wearing me out. My husband feels bad to say no and so do I, but our home is becoming a bed and breakfast/lunch/dinner/vacation place. It is hard to say no, people don't understand because I don't "look" like I have MS, even though I feel like it and get exhausted. Not knowing how to say no...

[MSW1963]

Wish there was a polite way to recommend the local motel and a tentative 'date' to meet for dinner at a local restaurant one evening while they are in town.

It's difficult to send the un-vitation, just no easy way to do it. Try shifting the blame to your MS doc? Claim you are under strict doc's orders to remain well rested at all times, (=avoid waiting on your dear freedloading loved ones who think your home is a resort and your illness is just so incidential?)

Good luck with that. I don't envy the circumstances you find yourself in, particularly since you look so good!

Those who love you will be accepting even if they don't fully understnad, the others may not be worth worrying about.

[misslux]

Do your friends and family know you have MS? Can you send them "the spoon theory" story (google it) to explain how every single thing just drains your energy?

[Montcaret]

Uggghhh I am so p.o'd for you

When they call, just say, "I am sorry, I am not doing well and next month/week etc is not a good time. Things have been very difficult, I cannot talk right now, I will call you back later."

[DebbieB]

SoCalGal, Visitors can be physically and (sometimes) emotionally exhausting. Extended visitors are most certainly exhausting. Extended visitors who invite themselves would take me over the edge. I like MSW's suggestions, sounds you are definitely going to have to set some boundaries.

[onlyairfare]

I think people who invite themselves for a visit at your home are the ones who are impolite. Who are they to expect to freeload at your house and at your expense, expecting you will wait on them hand and foot, providing meals, housekeeping and tour guide services?

I wouldn't hesitate to tell them "I'm sorry but we just cannot accommodate visitors at this time. I'll be happy to recommend nearby hotels, and we'd be pleased to meet you for lunch or dinner sometime while you are here."

[KatieAgain]

I moved home in 2012 and it is a vacation hot spot as well. So friends want to come to visit. I knew this was going to be a problem upfront. I solved it with my annual Christmas letter.

I stated MS was unkind to me last year, however I am feeling great right now, and trying to make up for lost time. I told them that due to other obligations, both medical, business and social, I could not accept guests except during the Months of April and October. People are already booking their reservations!

I set the parameters, still get to enjoy the company of old friends, they get to enjoy a little bit of paradise, and no feelings have been hurt.

[trevvian]

I just tell 'em to make themselves at home

Visitors can be exhausting for sure. But are these close friends/family you can lean on or more like random people you accidentally accepted facebook requests from? If the former, maybe you can set expectations & enjoy them? Unless of course, just having people there tires you, which can happen too.

To be fair, most of my (fairly infrequent, actually) visitors are family...and we are pretty drama free and forthcoming. I just tell them where things are & to help themselves if they need something. I figure they must cook, clean & do laundry at home, so when I say, 'Make yourself at home,' assume they'll do those things here too if I don't feel up to it.

Last time my aunt invited herself, we BOTH took naps & then I asked her to take me to my MRI.

Of course, I also spent Christmas day cleaning a different aunt's kitchen, so maybe my family's just a bit off.

Do what you need to do for you. People will either understand or they won't, not your fault.

[AnneLouise]

Take a deep breath and say "no". If people don't understand or get upset, that is their problem. Trust me, they wouldn't like it if their home became a bed and breakfast. If you don't say no now, they will come to expect your home to be their own vacation spot. It is YOUR HOME.

onlyairfare has a good suggestion, as well as Montcaret. Have visitors on your terms.

[sam]

Misslux spoon therory

OMG I love the spoon therory I don't know how I have never
heard of it, makes so much scenes I want to e-mail it
to so many people. I have the same problem with company

Thank you, thank you

[miwealia]

This Is MS

Yes! The spoon concept is really helpful. Here's another one that I found somewhere online but don't remember where. I wish I did so I could give proper credit. Anyway, it really clicked with me. I hope it's useful for someone else, too.

------------------------------

I want to explain a little about what MS feels like. Words like "tired" or "confused" really are inadequate, so I thought I’d try a little exercise with you, if you wouldn’t mind indulging me. This visualization exercise will be more realistic if you know what it’s like to travel internationally. Please close your eyes. I want you to really try and come along with me on this trip.

You’ve been asked to take a business trip to a country you’ve never been to — let’s say somewhere in Asia [to make it really far]. It was a last minute request by your boss, so you really don’t feel prepared. Things were rushed and hectic, so you’re not sure if you packed the right stuff (you end up with a carry-on bag that is heavy and bulky), and you were late getting to the airport, so you worried the whole time that you stood in the long security lines that you would miss your flight.

You run to your gate in uncomfortable shoes and a heavy coat with your bags and are the last person to board. You are seated in a middle seat, and there is no room for your bag, so you stuff it under the seat in front of you, meaning you have no place to put your feet except on top of your bag. You are hot from running. (By the way, anyone who has seated themselves in business class, get up and move to the back of the plane for this flight.)

The captain comes on and welcomes the passengers aboard, informing them that flying time is 14 hours.

Fast forward ahead to the end of the flight. Your neighbor kept poking you with his elbow, then fell asleep leaning on you, so you couldn’t sleep. You couldn’t really eat, as your knees prevented your tray table from being level. The person in front of you had their seat reclined anyway, so it was pressing on your knees the whole time.

There is a little turbulence, but the plane finally lands. The person next to you drops their bags on your head trying to get them out of the overhead bin. People are taking their time getting in to the aisle, leaving you in an awkward position while you wait. You stuff your swollen feet in to your shoes and grab your bag, which seems to have gotten heavier.
You finally get off the plane. Nothing is in English (or any other language you may understand). It is 2:00 in the afternoon and everyone seems to know where they are going except you. You have not slept for 36 hours. The sun is streaming in, and everything is very bright and very loud.

So let’s have a look at how you feel at this moment:

• You are so exhausted that you feel slightly nauseous and dizzy.
• You’re confused: you don’t know exactly where you are or where you need to go. You know you will figure it out eventually, but right now, the lights are too bright and the sounds are too loud.
• Your legs are stiff, and your feet are both tingly from falling asleep and painful from your shoes being too tight.
• You need to urinate badly but don’t know where the bathrooms are.
• You are too hot from the coat that you are wearing, because you don’t want to carry it too.
• Your bag is heavy and awkward and you feel too weak to carry it. Then the strap breaks and you want to cry.

This is MS.

[justacowgirl]

You guys just have to learn to say no. It takes no explanation. If they can't figure it out then it is their bad.

It does take time and experience to learn to say no; but really is well worth it.

No. No. No.

Very easy. You can smile when you say it.

J