Husband holiday without me

[Tawanda]

He wants to go visit his parents, we went there 5 years ago
together, & had a great time, I need a vacation from MS too
I didn't find it too hot.
If I stay here I will need my parents help. I just feel he does
so much already, he skis in the winter, and goes boating
in the summer, while I wait for him to come home.
No there is no third party involved.
He's just thinking of himself and how much he needs a break
well, welcome to my world, no breaks from this MS monster

I am biased but i always believe a caregiver will never have it as bad as the MSer. My sympathy is with you.

[Jules A]

I am biased but i always believe a caregiver will never have it as bad as the MSer. My sympathy is with you.

I'm not sure if I would rather be the one who is forced to be in this miserable situation or the one who is stuck with it by association. Either way sucks.

But, imo just because we have been given this terrible lot in life to bear I don't believe our family and loved ones should be forced to have their lives snuffed out by MS also.

[Nenee36]

I am biased but i always believe a caregiver will never have it as bad as the MSer. My sympathy is with you.

I agree Tawanda.........

[Marco]

I'm not sure if I would rather be the one who is forced to be in this miserable situation or the one who is stuck with it by association. Either way sucks.

But, imo just because we have been given this terrible lot in life to bear I don't believe our family and loved ones should be forced to have their lives snuffed out by MS also.

I couldn't agree with Jules any more. I have worked hard to develop new relationships to help me become less of a burden to my wife. I have developed a network of people to help me run errands so I am not always pulling on my wife.

We took vows "in sickness and in health," but these are often repeated in a vacuum never realizing that a MS diagnosis was just months away. My wife spends a lot of her resources ensuring my needs are met. I know she needs a level of autonomy to recharge and be a healthy person so she can take care of me.

I liken it to being on an airplane where they want you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping someone else. In life, my wife needs to put in her oxygen mask before helping me with my own. That mask may look differently to different people, but the concept is the same. Until her needs are met she's not completely in a position to help meet mine.

I want my wife to live life to the full ... with me when possible, and without me when necessary or not possible. I understand there may be times when my feelings are hurt or I am feeling victimized, but my heart is turned to her and her needs. I wish my wife would do more things for herself and be even more capable to help me when I need it (not just want it).

I wish everyone on this thread well ... our needs are all different and I hope they are all met in turn.

[misslux]

But, imo just because we have been given this terrible lot in life to bear I don't believe our family and loved ones should be forced to have their lives snuffed out by MS also.

Agreed. I encourage my SO to go out and do things and not let me hold him back. If the situation was reversed, I would hope he would feel the same way.

[Thinkimjob]

It is interesting, isn't it. If positions were reversed, I'd like to think I'd be as sympathetic, patient and kind with my chap, as he is with me.
Honestly, I don't know if I'm that good a person.

[Tawanda]

It is interesting, isn't it. If positions were reversed, I'd like to think I'd be as sympathetic, patient and kind with my chap, as he is with me.
Honestly, I don't know if I'm that good a person.

Well since my Mom had MS, I was on both sides of the coin. In caring for my mother, I had the rest of my family to help. I don't know how bad the OP is and how much care the husband provides, but I can tell you my mother was paralyzed. Oddly, we did take her on trips. Since she could barely speak, no telling if she even wanted to get carted around helplessly like that. I will never know...

[MSer102]

Sam I'm so sorry for the position you are in. MS sucks all the way around.

Apparently your husband is your caretaker. Unfortunately when a spouse becomes a caretaker it changes the nature of the marriage. You still want to be a wife and go on vacation with your husband.

But as a caretaker it sounds like your husband is worn out. He needs as much respite from that job as he thinks he needs. If you start thinking that him visiting his parents without you is "unfair", from his viewpoint not being able to see his parents without also having to be your caretaker is unfair. It isn't your fault that you have MS but it isn't your husband's fault either. It takes 2 to tango. If you press the issue you might find that his next vacation from you becomes permanent.

So I'll say again that it might take a skilled neutral 3rd party to help you both figure out what your roles as husband/wife, caretaker/patient are. The longer you go without seeing a counselor, the more the both of you will become entrenched in your positions about what is "unfair".

I'm sorry you are in the position you are in.

[Tomjadg]

I insisted that my wife go on vacation without me the last few years, and she has done so reluctantly with work friends.
I told her not to stay home because of me.
I had 30 years of great vacations(cruises, bus tour of Ireland, etc.) and I have no problem with being done with travel.

[loopey]

Maybe He Said it Wrong

I am the one with MS and I honestly think the stress is making my husband sick. I can still enjoy a trip away from him with my son and since my husband is really a 'homebody" he doesn't care; he actually encourages me.

Maybe your husband didn't say it very tactfully. It may be that he just needs a break and I believe that is good for all involved. It sounds like he hurt your feelings and I am sorry he did that. My husband lacks tact on many occasions but his heart is in the right place.

[Guzzy]

Oh gosh it's a tough one, for both of you.

I am not in your position yet but there have been lots of times I have had to stay at home for events like dinners out, weddings, family get-togethers etc., and I have encouraged my husband to go. Then cried about it when he's gone, privately. It makes me feel incredibly low. There was one occasion when he went for a weekend to Wales to see an old friend, I was too fatigued to go, and they went out dancing together (she's a 'she'!) and he had such good fun. He was telling me about it the next morning saying she twirled and danced for hours and I felt like he was stabbing a knife in my heart.

If I was in a more disabled state I think I would enourage my husband to take a holiday but I'd be miserable myself. I'd have to buffer that with lots of planning in advance like getting dvd's I wanted to watch, particpating in online events, having people come to visit and eat dinner (ready meals or takeaways) with me...that kind of thing, otherwise I'd be a pile of tears.

Wishing you all the best, it's such a hard situation for you. xxx