Can you remember what it felt like before MS?

[Thinkimjob]

In a moment (week) of (well-earned) self-pity, it came to me that I can't even remember what it felt like to walk normally, or run or anything at all any more.

MS is there, even when I'm dreaming now. I limp in my dreams! Is this just me? I used to be perfectly all right when I was asleep and dreaming. I can't remember when it started.

[SNOOPY]

Unlike many,who can say "I wish I could still the things I did before MS" I have no concept. I have had this disease since childhood. What many try and adjust to has been "normal" for me from a young age.

I have always had balance problems, always not walked right, have always been prone to falling, always had problems with fatigue, Urinary problems since the age of 4, leg pain and sensory problems since the age of 13.

MS is there, even when I'm dreaming now. I limp in my dreams! Is this just me? I used to be perfectly all right when I was asleep and dreaming. I can't remember when it started.

When we are asleep is when our mind is allowed to deal with (process) whatever issues are going on in our lives.

[freeinhou]

Not really. It's been over 25 years. I remember running and stuff, but not how it felt.

Tom

[lstrl]

It wasn't all that long ago that I was completely normal (first flare December 2010 and that didn't cause any weakness, although left residual numbness in my left leg that drives me crazy), so I remember very clearly what it's like to be normal. Since I'm so new to this, I find it hard not thinking about it, especially when I see people every day walking around totally normally. I'm extremely jealous.

My biggest problems never started until this past December, so I haven't been disabled for long, but my dreams are the complete opposite. I seem to have a lot of dreams about running (I used to run a few years ago). In the dreams, I know I have leg weakness, but I keep telling myself I'm going to go as far as I go, and in every single dream, the weakness is totally gone and I go as far as everyone else does. I don't know if it's my subconscious telling me I will get through this or what, but those are the kinds of dreams I want to come true (that and the many winning the lottery dreams I seem to have as well).

[MSW1963]

I don't dream often or don't remember many dreams, but when I do, I dream I'm working, traveling, meeting people and financialy secure, leading a dynamic life. I remember what it felt like to ride a bike.

I don't know if I will every really learn to accept the changes in my life that resulted from MS. I've read threads about the 'positives' of having MS, and while I'm very happy for those who have found something possitive, there is just noting beneficial or positive in my life that resulted from MS.

I'm very happy about many things since MS became full time/disability, but I'd be just as happy about those moments and able to more fully participate without MS.

[Cat Mom]

Yes, I can, much the same as I can remember when my MS was way worse, like it was at the beginning.

[fishead]

In a moment (week) of (well-earned) self-pity, it came to me that I can't even remember what it felt like to walk normally, or run or anything at all any more.

MS is there, even when I'm dreaming now. I limp in my dreams! Is this just me? I used to be perfectly all right when I was asleep and dreaming. I can't remember when it started.

Oh gosh Thinkimjob, I too had a dream where I had MS. It was not pleasant-go figure.

I do remember what it was like before MS. Perhaps it is simply "memories", because I can't imagine what I used to "not feel" and think before I was diagnosed with MS.

[penkalet]

Yes, I can still feel normal when I am meditating, when I am relaxing in my recliner and messing with my laptop, and riding my bike.
As long I am sitting down and not multitasking too much,
Concentrate on what you can do and not on what you can't do.
I was DX 4 years ago at 62

[onlyairfare]

I've had MS almost 40 years and I am 62, so no I don't remember what it was like before MS. I sort of remember I used to love being out in the sun at the beach, I used to love to hike in the mountains, but I can't really remember what that felt like.

OTOH, I still work full-time and can do a lot of the things I want to do, and for the most part other people can't tell I have MS, so I don't get much discrimination on the basis of disability. It could be worse.

[MarkLavelle]

another angle

At first, I thought this thread had nothing to do with me because almost all my sx are sensory.

But then I realized that I can't remember what it's like to NOT feel my skin 24/7. Thank You, Paresthesia!

[Seasha]

Oh yea, I can remember....and that is what's so painful. Every time I look at our photo album or videos of me doing playful things - hiking in the mountains, riding a bike, running, dancing at a party, lugging a wheelbarrow in my garden or whatever I used to be able to do with ease, I remember.

It's like there is some cellular memory that is easy to recall if I let myself. But what I remember most vividly is taking all this for granted!!! Didn't you too?

These days I look at others who can walk across the street with ease with the light ticking away the seconds while it's still safe or watch people throwing frisbies and running in the park or young mothers chase after toddlers or well....(you fill in the blanks) and I hope and pray that they are extremely grateful for all that they can do with ease - without a thought!

These days it's too painful to dwell on all what I could do, to remember so vividly, so I try to close that chapter and be at peace with what is. And believe me, I'm not taking for granted the things that I can still do!! That's one big lesson I've learned.

Thanks for bringing this up, Thinkimjob. It hit a raw place in me and just had to get it out. Speaking of dreams, I keep thinking that this "waking dream" could be a nightmare if I let it.

[Thinkimjob]

I'm so sorry, Seasha.

It is painful, isn't it, when you let yourself think of what used to be. Maybe in my case, it's not so much "can't" as "don't want to" remember.

I do try hard not to think about it too much, but trying not to think about it means you are still thinking about it. And you have to think about walking if you're thinking about how to walk.

I took absolutely everything for granted. People, honestly, just couldn't imagine what having MS is like. Before the symptoms turned up, I know I couldn't.

Mark, I can remember how lovely it felt to pat a labrador's silky head, but it makes me sad. Curse this paresthesia.

Right, apologies all. Cheerier next time, promise.

[Stacer]

it's getting foggy!

I've had symptoms stick around for 5 years now. Before that, I would recover 100% from a relapse. Now, I'm pretty disabled. I dream that I'm my old self. I walk, run, do everything I used to. When I'm awake, it's getting hard for me to remember what a healthy me feels like.
I look at a couch 5 steps away and say to myself, "Why can't I just get up and walk to it?" Luckily, I can still get to it grabbing on to anything near by to help me!

[loopey]

I had a dream last week. In my dream I was with my son with whom I used to do many, many things that involved walking, climbing, exploring, etc. Well, in my dream I was perfectly normal and I exclaimed "look I am normal again, I don't have MS"! I was depressed all day after I woke up. I know I have a lot to be grateful for but I can't help feeling that I want my (old) life back.

[Cycling Mad]

Pre-MS and my legs felt like they were weightless, I was a real keen runner and although Im cycling mad and knocking out big miles on my cannondale bike, I long to have those weightless legs back and be able to strap on my running shoes and go tearing up hills again like I did before diagnosis in 2004