Happily married with MS symptoms?

[khaarina]

My husband and I are 30 and have been married for 10 years. I feel like a different person since I started having symptoms and I don't think he likes the new me. I know that he loves me and worries about me, but with all the illness, fatigue, doctors...I'm just not much fun to be with. I know that it's possible to be happy with MS, but how can you be happily married?

[Scooter24]

You need to define what you mean by "Happily Married" as many couples have much different meaning of it.

I have had MS now for over 35 yrs and have been married to my wife for 29 yrs in Oct. was dx in 08, has our life changed since then ok some but not a lot, she does some more of the yard work now, helps me carry in groceries, pitches in to help move furniture etc but otherwise not too much different.

We were never the type to go out dancing since the first daughter showed up, don't have dinner parties, or done any extensive traveling. We have completely different interests and enjoy our " own time" I play golf and she has her horses. Unless the one daughter is causing problems we get along very well and are happy. Yes we have had to make some changes in our lives but we handled them and moved on.

My sister will not let her husband do a thing that she doesn't want to do also, he spends hours walking behind her in stores carrying her bags. They have been married going on 24 yrs and are happy.

My brother and his wife have a hobby they both enjoy and they do that usually on sundays and saturdays are for thier "Own time" they have been married 38 years and are very happy.

What I am trying to say is happiness is what you make it, it's not something you can google and get an answer. If you need to cut back on your activities he will have to accept that fact, no different than if you had triplets or when you get older, somethings can't be controlled, If the love is really there it will take care of the comprimises that need to be made.

You have only been married 10 yrs, you have a long life ahead of you and I know from my own experience there are many bumpy roads and some unpaved that you will need to pass over, just consider this as a primer course for what is ahead in life.

Good luck

[Coriander]

Happiness is possible

I have had MS a long time and like any debilatating condition it tests all of your relationships. I feel fortunate my relationship with my husband has grown. I know that is not always the case so I have to agree with the earlier post. Find what works for you and your husband. We watch alot of TV and movies now since I am so low energy among other things.

Your world has changed and you are a different person. Regardless of the disease course we all change as we get older. My husband has his health issues too so he understands how life can blindside you. At times I become fixated on my disability and think it is causing all of our problems. My husband reminds me "It's not all about you". Happiness is possible but I and my husband might redefine that as a day I did not fall, etc...

[Tracelyn]

I have to agree, depends upon your defination of happy.

I was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago and things have changed and in my marriage we have made some modifcations on what we do.

For example, my husband loves to have me wake up early with him on the weekends! (Ugh!) However, since my diagnosis of MS and finally getting him to understand that me resting is very important. We found a way fo"r us both to get what we need. I give him a Saturday morning, make breakfast, go shopping with him etc. However, afternoon and evening are mine to rest as I need. Sunday's are mine to sleep as much as I want. I typically like to get up on Sunday and make him a small breakfast and have a cup of a coffee, then back to bed I go. It is just a matter of finding compromises.

As time goes by relationships will change and grow. It is a matter of commitment to each other that will weather those changes.

[rdmc]

We've been married 30 years...the last 15 dealing with symptoms/limboland and then diagnosis of MS (there were seasons of illness before that for both of us...but never anything that "hung on" like the MS.

A lot about our relationship has changed. He does more household chores, laundry, grocery shopping, etc. I try to chip in and do things I'm able to (i.e. cook, iron, fold clothes) and when those tasks don't get done, he knows it's because I'm not able at the present time, and he picks up the slack. It's developed into an unspoken communication when it comes to household "stuff...things just get done (we're empty nesters now, so that makes it so much easier...we can eat cereal for dinner if we don't want to cook )

But seriously, I totally agree with the above posters...it's whatever you make it. During the week we both work, me from home, he's at an office. Evenings we spend together. However on weekends, my guy loves to go out in the boat and fish. He does it whenever the weather's cooperating and the tides are right. I honestly enjoy stayingi home and playing computer games, reading, or watching a movie. I don't ever go in the boat anymore, it's not a pleasant experience. But I would never deny him his enjoyment. Truth be told there's not a lot of outside stuff I do enjoy, but I know if there is someplace I want to go, or some restaurant I want to try, all I have to do is ask...and he'll make it happen.

So if you looked from the outside in, it might look like we are living in two different spheres, but we have wonderful communication and discussions all the time, enjoy each other's company when we're together, but also have the freedom to do things apart...and that works well for us.

And what I found interesting about your last paragraph is this: I would say I find it much more difficult to be "happy" with my MS state, than I find it to be "happily married." I'm much more content with my marriage than I am with my state of health. I'd have to think on that one for awhile to "analyze" myself, but it's just how I feel.

[SNOOPY]

Hi khaarina,

Have you recieved a diagnosis of MS?

With any relationship there are ups and downs. If the marriage has problems, getting a diagnosis of MS is only going to put more strain on an already difficult situation. If the marriage has a good foundation then you can still have a haapy marriage.

I have been married 30 years...yes, happily. We had been married 4 years when I recieved a diagnosis of MS.

[mjan]

First of all, I am sorry you are struggling or unhappy in any way. Even if neither of you had a challenging, chronic illness, you bet you're not the same person exactly as you were at 20years old. Your brains especially were still developing and maturing till about 25 or so.

But I wonder how your hubby feels? Have you discussed this openly with him? Maybe he is content, which to me is a better word. Happiness comes in memories.. in moments ..knowing life isn't always going to be blissful or happy.

Happy also means our own attitude toward life, its ups and downs and especially toward ourselves. How happy are YOU with YOU?

Maybe you're a little depressed. If you are, then all of life seems a bit skewed.. a little off. Know this.. this too shall change..you'll look back and reflect again.. and again.

Are you content with what you are doing TODAY? Accepting yesterday and looking forward to tomorrow??

Keep us informed as to how you're doing. Hope things start to look better to you..

Hugs, Jan

[jenphilly]

khaarina -

I am new to MS and also newly married. We've been together over 2 years and were just married this past September. I had no symptoms or health problems of any type when we first met, I've actually had no real health problems for 42 years. Never been on any meds, had not even been to a doctors for a checkup in 3 years or for any illness. But my first display of MS was June and we had been living together not quite 1 year and were neck deep in wedding plans.

Possible MS was on the table by the end of June and I approached him about delaying the wedding til after the diagnosis, wanted an answer first... but he flatly refused, that with or without MS, regardless of what we learned, he was already committed and wasn't going anywhere. I used the analogy of would you buy a used car if you knew it would break down in a year.... granted, I'm a smart aleck and he laughed at the comparison, but he refused to cancel the wedding.

I know I'm a positive person, the personality to just deal with what life throws at you (been a single mom for 20 years til he came along). There has been some frustration in dealing with some problems that come up, like when my leg muscles bug me and I have trouble with being as active as usual. But, I try to focus on what I can still do and what we can make work.

I know I'm lucky and have a great guy in my life... but I have to ask you a question that he asked me... what if the tables were turned. What if it was him with a health problem, would you walk away? Or would you find a way to establish new routines that work for both of you?

When he asked me that question, I could not really give him an answer because I knew that come hell or high water, I would not walk away because things got tough.

Don't get upset by this comment, but when you have those days when you wonder how you can be happily married, instead focus on a good memory or something you guys just did. I know, its so easy to say be positive, but for me, think its just a habit, I came from a background of negativity and somewhere around age 21, I made the very concious decision that I would not repeat the patterns of my mother or other women in our family. I literally would make myself refocus when something came up and just concentrate on the way to resolve the problem or get thru things.

I think people here have posted some great advice and experiences and the one thread I see in all of them is comprimise, communication and being positive....

I've babbled enough. It sounds like you married a good guy, talk to him and one thing I've had to learn to do (which was my hardest obstacle), let him help when you need it.

Good luck!!

Hugs,

Jen

[AnneLouise]

I am definitely happily married, though I'm not happy with ms. As rdmc said.

My hubby and I have been together for 23 years because we like each others company and care for one another. We never stood in each others way. He does his thing, I do mine. O, except him getting a motorcycle. I don't need that stress.

But the point is, when you marry someone, you're saying that you're in it for the long haul. Awareness that an illness or accident can change things forever. That you are needed and cared about. I was dx about 3 years ago. And, though I could not blame him for leaving me, he wouldn't. He committed to me a long time ago. I'm glad he did because I love him and love being around him. I consider myself very fortunate.

[mlc]

Marriage problems & MS

I had problems with my marriage before we even tied the knot. My husband had problems with the idea of an unhealthy spouse long before my dx.

His mother was always sickly, and his father always had to take care of her. He was devoted - a very good, upright, kind man - but I could see the frustration he tried to hide, and I'm sure my husband saw it: He grew up with it!

When I was sent for my first MRI, at the time of my MS dx, my husband stayed home & I used public transportation. In fact, I got home to find myself locked out, & sat on the steps for over an hour, holding the big folder of films on my lap, until he got home.

The first time I had to end a walk together early because my legs were getting weak, he was ANGRY with me. And by the time I started using a cane full-time, he had moved out.

... but, as I said, I knew there were problems to begin with. I tried marriage counselling, but he wouldn't go. Our marriage was dead before it began, and MS didn't end it.

So maybe that's the answer: If you see real problems, talk to your husband. If talking doesn't resolve them, try counselling. If that doesn't work... come talk to me, and I'll tell you how I deal with it. (But you can't have the guy I've hooked up with, whose wife left him when he developed a health problem!)

[Mamabug]

Khaarina --

I agree with the above posters -- happy is what you make it.

However, I also don't want to minimize what you are saying. MS changes you.

MS changes me. And, it changes my husband. In my case, my MS flares cause manic/mental health symptoms, and, during those times, I truly become "someone I'm not". So, for me, yes, like you, it is also illness and fatigue and doctors, but, it is more than that.

And, because I am so different during a flare, my husband has to re-adjust, and, he also becomes different. Sometimes, that happens in a positive way, and he becomes more caring and nurturing. Other times, things are not so positive, and he becomes very stressed-out and controlling. Which, is totally unlike him, at other times.

So, our marriage is often happy -- yes. But, at other times, it is also often hard work. And, we have, sometimes, re-examined a lifetime commitment that, before, we always believed was unshake-able and permanent.

We have been married for 27 years. I have had MS for 9 years.

To answer your question: How can you be happily married with MS?
I'll just repeat what others have said:

• If the love is really there it will take care of the compromises that need to be made.
• Find what works for you and your husband.
  It is just a matter of finding compromises. As time goes by relationships will change and grow. It is a matter of commitment to each other that will weather those changes.
• ...it's whatever you make it...I find it much more difficult to be "happy" with my MS state, than I find it to be "happily married."
• With any relationship there are ups and downs. If the marriage has problems, getting a diagnosis of MS is only going to put more strain on an already difficult situation. If the marriage has a good foundation then you can still have a happy marriage.
• Happy also means our own attitude toward life, its ups and downs and especially toward ourselves.
• It sounds like you married a good guy, talk to him and one thing I've had to learn to do (which was my hardest obstacle), let him help when you need it.
  The point is, when you marry someone, you're saying that you're in it for the long haul. Awareness that an illness or accident can change things forever. That you are needed and cared about.

~ Faith

[BigA]

Give it a little time. A diagnosis is difficult on both partners. It's taken 2 years and my wife still worries about her future, so it can cause both parties some stress.