Where did I go wrong?

[sulphur kennel]

I have known that I have MS for 5-6 years. I have never missed a shot and only missed one pill. I have 2 children that are grown. I have a bachelor degree in biology. I raised my children in a christian home where I had high expectations for them. Both children did well in school, and have chosen careers in the medical field. They are both respectful to the elderly and others.

Now to the problem. For the last 2 weeks my body has been in a turmoil. I have had a steady headache that I can't seem to beat. I have been having pain in both my hands and my balance is horrible. I found out that my daughter is dating a man that is a transvestite who is saving up for a sex change operation. Not only that this person has lost his/her job and I feel like she/he is using my daughter who is making very good money for this area. I accidentally found out about her new love from one of her friends that let it slip. I am just in a free fall hoping to stop soon. About the time I think I can deal with it, my son tells me that he is moving 300 miles away. I tried to raise my children to be productive, respected members of society. Where did I go wrong? Please say a prayer for my family.

[SNOOPY]

sulphur kennel,

I don't see where you went wrong. Your grown children sound like independent, productive individuals.

I found out that my daughter is dating a man that is a transvestite who is saving up for a sex change operation.

I believe the the correct term is transgender . Your daughter sounds like she cares about this young man who is more comfortable living as a woman. I don't see how you raised your daughter has anything to do with the relationship, your daughter is making her own choices whether you agree with them or not.

Your son is moving away...for a job? A change?

Again, where did you go wrong?

Instead of taking on the guilt of "what did I do wrong" back away and allow your children to make their own decisions/choices. Sometimes it doesn't work out, sometimes it does.

What I have told my adult children: The choice is yours as is any conseqences. I love my children but they need to figure out their life and what they want...even if I don't agree with the path one or the other is taking.

I will say one of my children is going down a path that I believe will come back and bite her but it's not my life, it's hers and I hope in the end she learns from this. She is my daughter and I love her dearly but I can't protect her from herself and her choices. Even if I could she doesn't want to listen, she wants to do it her way.

Life is about taking chances, making choices and learning from any mistakes made along the way.

[jojo18]

i agree with snoopy.

i don't see where you went wrong.
1. you can't help who you fall in love with.
2. so your son is moving. i am assuming this is for a job or an opportunity. well, i say good for him.

i don't see how either of these mean that they are not respected/respectful productive members of society.

[maitrimama]

-Mother Teresa Of Calcutta : "If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

[valeriem2220]

I think you have done a wonderful job!
You raised your children to be productive self supportive hard working individuals and while doing this you raised them to 1 have an open mind and love others no matter what their situation, sexuality or lifestyle.And 2 to be independent. You have done a wonderful job raising your children to be understanding caring adults.
It is our job to do the best we can by our children and when they become old enough to then give them wings to use the experiences we have shown them to their best ability.
Your children sound wonderful! Great job!!!

[Sequoia]

I also agree with Snoopy. She said everything I would have said, and did it very well.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Change of any kind is apt to throw us for a loop, and big changes with one's adult children can be especially hard to get used to. But the bottom line is, they're good people, and they still love you very much. I hope you can take comfort in that.

There's no way of knowing how long your daughter's new relationship will last, but it might be helpful for you to educate yourself a bit about transgender people. Here's a link to a highly reputable organization's website:

http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2

We also have a LGBT forum here on MSWorld where you can do some reading and ask questions, but there's not a lot of activity there.

http://www.msworld.org/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=90

Best wishes to you,

Sequoia

[MrsBones]

sulphur kennel,

I don't see where you went wrong. Your grown children sound like independent, productive individuals.



I believe the the correct term is transgender . Your daughter sounds like she cares about this young man who is more comfortable living as a woman. I don't see how you raised your daughter has anything to do with the relationship, your daughter is making her own choices whether you agree with them or not.

Your son is moving away...for a job? A change?

Again, where did you go wrong?

Instead of taking on the guilt of "what did I do wrong" back away and allow your children to make their own decisions/choices. Sometimes it doesn't work out, sometimes it does.

What I have told my adult children: The choice is yours as is any conseqences. I love my children but they need to figure out their life and what they want...even if I don't agree with the path one or the other is taking.

I will say one of my children is going down a path that I believe will come back and bite her but it's not my life, it's hers and I hope in the end she learns from this. She is my daughter and I love her dearly but I can't protect her from herself and her choices. Even if I could she doesn't want to listen, she wants to do it her way.

Life is about taking chances, making choices and learning from any mistakes made along the way.

I thoroughly agree. The decisions are theirs. Frankly, I would wonder where I had gone wrong if I had raised children that were unable of making independent choices or who were unaccepting of people, transgendered or not, instead of having the ability and wisdom to follow their heart and love whoever that heart lead them to.

I'm sure both are doing what they think is right for them, moving or loving an unemployed person. They are adults and can handle consequences of their choices.

Sulphur, I'm sorry you're feeling so badly about all of it, but I would be proud to have children who are not only respected and productive, but thoughtful and caring. It's natural to worry about your children, but I don't see anything here that says you went wrong in raising your children.

[chalknpens]

They grow

I agree with all of the above. The difficulty is in accepting that we live in a different world than the one we grew up in. We (some of us) have kept the values that our parents modeled.

When our adult children choose differently than we may have, it is difficult to accept the differences.

What helps me to reconcile that my oldest went away to college and never returned, but settled in that other state, I remember that at some point in time, my grandparents independently chose to come to America, leaving family far behind in a day before instant communications.

I can celebrate their bravery, their independence, their wisdom in coming to America. And I ought to be able to equally celebrate my childrens' independence.

For what it's worth, it is easier to rationalize this than to actually live it.

Be strong. They are strong, and that is a gift you gave.

[BigA]

Your question is one to ask God. We can't weigh whether getting MS and taking all your pills earned you a transvestite-free family and a son that would stay close to home, or whether that's good or bad in the grand scheme of things.

I'm sure your children love you and are indeed productive members of society. Perhaps there is that one person your son will save in his new job, or someone he will meet. You can't know. I realize it's a shock - let's not pretend we wouldn't be shocked if our daughter married a man who was going to get a sex-change operation (maybe they should freeze his sperm beforehand). But she's still your daughter and she must love him. Also, you will lose her if you make her choose between you and him.

Try to see it as your life, come what may and find the strength to thrive, given all that comes your way. You're still alive, you have that education and you still have your children. Try to see the best.

[MSW1963]

I can only imagine that getting this news must have come as an enormous shock to you. I'm sorry you had to learn about your daughter's partner from a 3rd source. That alone doesn't sound like the best way to get such personal information about your beloved daughter. I can imagine you may be feeling betrayed by a person to whom you devoted a great deal of love and endless hours of work and in who you have a great deal of pride. I think your shock and disappointment is understandable under the circumstances.

Gone are the days when being LGBT meant a person was on the bottom tier of society, destined to be an outcast. Some of the most talented, creative, well educated and successful members of society today are also LGBT.

[sulphur kennel]

conservative and christianity seem to be gone

I was raised in a very conservative Christian home with the views that the gay/lesbian lifestyle is a sin. I thought I had raised my children to read the Bible and believe in it.

I will not make my daughter choose and I will not be rude or hateful to her friend. I will always pray for her and hope that she comes back to her Christian upbringing.

I feel like she is being taken advantage of in the sense that she has always had bad luck in choosing her dating relationships. One used her to steal from her aunt and uncle. That one was unemployed and almost had her put in jail as an accessory. One used her to go buy alcohol for him. That one was unemployed. there were several others that when they started dating her, quit their jobs, and relied on her for support. Now this one is unemployed and lives a lifestyle that is totally different than anything she has been raised to believe in.

I have friends that are gay. I also have lesbian friends. I accept them the way they are, but I don't want to have anything more than a friendship relationship with them.

Thank you all for your replies.

[sengelhardt]

I was raised in a very conservative Christian home with the views that the gay/lesbian lifestyle is a sin. I thought I had raised my children to read the Bible and believe in it.

I will not make my daughter choose and I will not be rude or hateful to her friend. I will always pray for her and hope that she comes back to her Christian upbringing.

I feel like she is being taken advantage of in the sense that she has always had bad luck in choosing her dating relationships. One used her to steal from her aunt and uncle. That one was unemployed and almost had her put in jail as an accessory. One used her to go buy alcohol for him. That one was unemployed. there were several others that when they started dating her, quit their jobs, and relied on her for support. Now this one is unemployed and lives a lifestyle that is totally different than anything she has been raised to believe in.

I have friends that are gay. I also have lesbian friends. I accept them the way they are, but I don't want to have anything more than a friendship relationship with them.

Thank you all for your replies.

I think I understand where you are coming from in regards to a Christian upbringing tell us that homosexuality is a sin. Because frankly the bible does tell us that it is wrong, and punishable. However, we are also taught to love everyone as we love God. Whatever we do to one another, we also do to him. right? So as a sister in Christ I suggest you continue to pray for your daughter, but don't stress. Give her and her friend to God, let Him carry your burdon.

I also understand you main concern over her choices is the lack of motivation this individual has and your worried that your daughter is going to be taken advantage of. Unfortunately this is her choice, and you can only be there to support her and show her your love. As long as she isn't hurting anyone, continue to love her and don't push her in another direction.

Don't feel that God is forsaking you by allowing your children to make these difficult choices. He has His plan, it is done in His timeing and we must rely on his understanding, not ours. You continue to do what is right for YOUR life, and pray hard over your children, let God work his magic. It will bring you relief to ask him to take your burdons away. God bless and I will be praying for YOU.

[KarenR]

** Thank you all for your assistance to sulphur kennel. This thread will now be closed. **