Is it reasonable?

[GGBEE]

Hi!
I have a question about "Reasonable Accommodations".

I had asked our principal to have a meeting with our family to discuss some issues with both teachers and staff.
I asked if we could meet with her via e-mail.
She said, "sure", then went on to say that she invited both teachers, the head of charter schools and after school care advisor.
I had written her back, saying that I didn't know the meeting "I" requested, needed to be that BIG! She then went to say that "I want us to all work as a team". I didn't know teamwork needed to be used in what I wanted to discuss with her, some personal that I didn't want or need them to hear. See, she is upset because I called the superintendant because she wasn't taking care of issues, that person told me to call, if I felt not listened to or felt things weren't being done, so I did call her. I think she is perposfully trying to make it difficult.
I am in a flair right now, and too many people will be overwhelming to me. I wrote back and stated that, "Due to my current health concerns (she know's I have M.S.), It would be overwhelming and confusing to me to have so many people in a room talking and I wouldn't comprehend everything all at once.
She wrote back saying that it shouldn't be overwhelming.
I wrote her back saying to me it would be, and explained why. I asked her for this simple acomodation and that it would help me to better help the situation, rather than throw me into a room like that. I would be useless. I also in turn, sent her a link on M.S. and told her to read about cognitive function.
What do I do if she refuses to meet with just my husband and I? She is already trying that. Don't we have that right as parents? I don't see her doing that with all the other parents. It saddens me that I have to explain myself. I shouldn't have to. Do I have any rights at all in requesting this? Anyone?
Thank you~
GG

[MrsBones]

I don't honestly know what your rights would be (no idea what their obligations are beyond having the building disability accessible and not discriminating against you or your children based on disability) , but I do have a couple of thoughts...

First, the reason for the "team" approach could be that she honestly thinks everyone might need to be on board. Did you tell her that what you want to discuss is personal and that you don't want or need all those people there for that reason? Unless you did, she may be thinking this is the best approach to whatever the problem may be.

Second, you've already gone to her boss about unresolved issues. Regardless of who initiated that contact or if you were told to call them, it's possible she could just be seeing that you went over her head. Her reasoning behind having all those people could be that she's either doing a CYA/have witnesses kinda thing or she's over-compensating to be seen as doing something.

Lastly, the superintendent may have told her that she needs to handle your issues this way and she has no choice.

I'd suggest contacting her again to let her know, if you haven't already, that your request for a meeting was in regards to a more personal issue that you did not want the other invited parties privy to. She may explain why she's invited the others, then you can decide from there where to go.

I'd also not mention too much that you'd be "useless" in a room full of people. Certainly ask for what you need, but if anything needing to be resolved is serious and could result in some sort of further action being taken by the superintendent or school board, you do not want to give any impression that you are less capable of dealing with these kinds of things than you are...just from the perspective that you don't want something to the effect of, "Oh, Superintendent, I explained that to Mrs. Smith. She said too many people would confuse her...I guess she didn't understand what I was saying," to crop up. In that respect, a room full of people could be to your advantage. Everyone would know what was discussed. No he said,she said.

If worst comes to worst, attend the meeting as planned, but control the situation. Take notes. Ask questions when there is something you need clarified. If more than one person speaks at a time, excuse yourself and tell them that you can't hear people talking over each other and ask them to not speak over each other. As long as one person at a time is speaking with the others just there and there's no arguing,etc, it really shouldn't be overwhelming.

Hopefully, some of the teachers here can offer you more help in regards to you actual rights. Good luck!

[Greg]

No it is not unreasonable. Parents have the right to dictate such matters. Choosing who you want to meet with is not unreasonable, the princepal and or teacher can pass any relevent info onto the aids. You or your Husband might have to go in and impress upon the school that they work for you not the other way.

[maitrimama]

Mrs Bones - I get what you are staying and thought the exact same thing, the Principal has to cover her but and wants witnesses. The truth is that if the parent or patient or employee or student doesn't play by the rules they are labeled as trouble. You see it all the time here in these forums with patients and doctors.

GGBEE- Unfortunately when went over the Principal's to the Superintendant you probably put the Principal on high alert. I am not sure how you are communicating but I find it difficult to get my point across via email because words and tone can often be misinterpreted (I learned that hard lesson during my divorce). Maybe write out your thoughts and call her.

[Redwings]

I'm going to take the opposite position. A parent is NOT in a position to tell teachers how to do their jobs or to unilaterally dictate the circumstances of a meeting. Teachers have rights, and parents are in no position to violate them. To believe that parents have powers they don't have is completely unrealistic.

GGBEE, the school -- and teachers -- DO NOT "work" for parents any more than parents work for teachers. If you aren't happy with the circumstances of a meeting... just don't go and make other arrangements. If you aren't feeling up to the meeting, use common sense and delay the meeting until you are, or send your husband. From what you've told us, your situation is complicated. Trying to simplify it to meet your needs -- while not recognizing the needs of the school and teachers -- is unrealistic and will just buy you more grief later.

You definitely have rights, and you shouldn't cave in, but you can't deny the school administrators their rights to decide how they or their employees meet with you. From your own description, they have legitimate concerns, too. I agree with maitrimama that your previous actions have put the teacher and administration on high alert.

You may need to go over the teacher's head to get to the supervisors to ensure your rights, but you don't have a right to unilaterally dictate how that's done. Bucking the system, and doing things that are unwise for you, have a good chance of working against you. Working the system gives you a better chance of ultimately getting what you want.

[onlyairfare]

I don't feel I have enough information to tell what is "reasonable." The details of the issue aren't clear, but it is customary if a student is having school difficulties, then a team effort to strategize a solution makes sense - multiple teachers/administrators may need to be involved in a solution.

OTOH - sometimes a parent meeting with just one faculty person is appropriate, and though one usually goes "through the chain of command" or risks creating problems, occasionally you need to call the superintendent to rein in unfair school practices, even if the principle is then unhappy.

I'm remembering when my son was a senior honor student about to graduate high school, but he had to do an oral presentation on his "culminating senior project." Of the 3 evaluators, two judged him excellent, one said he failed because he talked for 12 minutes about the project instead of 15 minutes. So therefore, he would not graduate, he would lose his generous college scholarships and his life would be ruined. When the principal didn't return my call, and the assistant principal said "Too bad, those are the rules," you bet I called the superintendent. I also called the state senator who chaired the legislative committee on education. The next day, the teacher in charge of the "Culminating Project" called me and said my son would be given a second chance to present. He presented, he passed with honors, and he went on to college with scholarships.

So GGBEE, you do what you need to protect your child from unfair treatment, or inadequate addressing of educational needs. Sounds like the principal is miffed and you are really distressed. Could it be postponed a bit, then your husband attends without you? Or you attend with him, but he does the talking for both of you if the situation is more than you can handle for comfortable speaking? Could your doctor write a note saying you need to meet only in a small group?

Redwings is right that teachers and school personnel also have rights and requirements to meet. But sometimes they are wrong - after my son's experience, they changed the rules about grading the "Culminating Project" for the next year. But still, about 20 other kids in my son's class failed, no one spoke up for them, and they became high school drop outs unnecessarily.

[seeuinct]

GGBEE- Schools have a responsibility to provide accommodations to students, not adults. If this is a public school, under the FAPE law (Free Appopriate Education), schools are supposed to provide adequate education to students, not top-of-the-line, like a private school. DOn't get me wrong, a lot of the schools are providing top-of-the-line educations for kids. But the law states they are only compelled to provide adequate education (like accommodations) to students NOT their parents.

Having said that- I know from experience what it is like to go into a meeting and have all these people sitting around at the table talking at you...it feel like the inquisition. Now, as a teacher, I am on the other side and I can tell you from experience, when you get the superintendent involved it is serious business. You have just taken it to another level. There are going to be a lot of people at meetings you request to 1. be witnesses and record the events 2. make sure they are meeting you and your childs needs to the best of their ability and 3. cover their butts in case of litigation.

I am truly sorry you are having a flair and have to deal with this. My advice is to put on you game face and try to make it through. Explain your situation and they WILL accommodate you at the meeting by speaking one at a time. I really think this principal, by inviting all the other people, wants to make sure everyone is on the same page with your child in order to help him be successful, eventhough it may look like she is taking a battle stance. For her this meeting is not about you-it's about your child- so she is going to do her job and try to put together a plan to help him/her.

Sorry that's my 2 cents...good luck and I hope it all works out GGBEE.

[GGBEE]

I did the chain of command first, however, my daughter was physically abused by a teacher. That is why I went to the superintendent and switched schools.

It was proven what this teacher did. Things were promised, such as things not following or being said about the incident. I found out through a teacher at their current school, that the teacher that had abused her had been saying things and it seemed as though my daughter was then being singled out and picked on.

I called the principal to discuss this privately and told her that it would be fine to have her supervisor there. She insisted on everyone. I dropped the meeting. Mind you, I have volunteered in the schools for 8 years. I am a very good parent and don't cause trouble. I don't stand up for my kids when they are wrong, but do when they are right and I have proof.

Many things have happened since this post. Including them calling my cell phone on speaker phone assuming I'd answer, but missed the call, but they didn't hang up. You should have heard the dirt!

We did at that point go over all heads and straight to the school superintendent, as we should have. I kept lawyers out of it, as long as things wouldn't follow and they have. I now have a lawyer.


**Post broken into paragraphs by Moderator for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print.**

[tellnhelen]

After reading all the responses, I agree with seeuinct. Since th supt is involved the stakes are very high for the principal. Organize YOUR thoughts and objectives for the meeting, put on that game face and fight the good fight. You CAN do it even with the flair. The principal WILLdo her job to the approval of the supt. You need to be clear in your own mind about what "outcomes" YOU want from this meeting. Be able to communicate that to the principal (and group).

[lemstar]

Informed opinion

I have been on both sides of the IEP meeting table, as a professional, and as a parent. I have also had the experience of complaining about how some of these issues were handled with my son. The end result was this: we could NEVER speak one on one with a teacher after that time. They were in "protection mode". No one wants to meet alone with a parent who is not happy with what is happenning. You do have rights, and I am sure you have been given many copies of your rights, like at each meeting, and with each notice.
You could try to express to the person you want to meet with that you really prefer to meet one on one, that it is personal stuff. But they have the right to have others there too. Its that simple. Not easy, simple.
Once we complained, we were never able to have small meetings again.

[palmtree]

Does the school have an ombudsman or person in charge of disability accommodations? I had a battle with a large public university and they were the ones who helped me.

They can discern what is a reasonable accommodation and express it in a way that the administrators can understand. [Like 'you do it or else..'].

Parents and school staff should work together. Anything that impedes this communication is detrimental to our children.

[Sir-Voor]

You being confused intimidated and left feeling stupid, is only the goal of the public school system.
Your ether a member of their click or their enemy.
Thus I refer to myself as a recovering victim of public education.

The US constitution had it right when it said the government should encourage public education. It does not say the government should micro manage, monopolize, or even set standards.

Was fight them everything you have, and don’t let them shape the battle field to their advantage.

[lemstar]

sir-voor---that's a little extreme, dont you think? I am certainly a parent who has lived thru serious frustration, and not having my kid's needs met, but to state their goal is to mess us all up?
The problem arises when they try to run schools like a business, and when the staff dont have enough education/intelligence to handle things.

[newbie but goodie]

Simplify

Im sorry you are having to deal with this, especially during a flare. It certainnly seems that the situation has become more complicated than you had wanted. Going to the superintendent likely has made this an attention-grabbing event, but that's not an entirely bad thing.

While I dont think the school has to provide you with accomodations, they should be willing to work with you to a certain extent but they also have to cover theri own bases now as people are watching for the outcome.

Have you considerd just showing up and giving them what you've got? Or asking for a small meeting until you are feeling better? Maybe have the meeting over Skype?

MS is extra hard for parents- we have jobs that don't give sick leave (parenting!) and we have to perform when we feel we cannot. I really hope you can work this out in a way that doesnt cause too much suffering.

[GGBEE]

It's been two years since I've posted here, or so. I'm happy to say I homeschool and our kids have done amazing, even testing higher on SBA scores. My kids came first. The public school system is nasty. This has been a very positive change.