To lie or not to lie????

[Knoel]

Hi everyone?Ive been diagnosed for 4 months now, Ive had the normal problems that come along with MS for years but just finally figured out what is really wrong. Im a hair dresser and work in a very small town in a very small shop of only 3 people besides myself. Back in october I had a flare up, I lost my vision, and lost all feeling in my arm and leg. During all of this I went through all of those wonderful tests and was hospitalized. I continued to work and I will admit messed up a few haircuts(due to the fact I couldnt see) but my boss didnt want me to take any time off so I didnt.

When I was finally diagnosed I told my boss(thinking she had a right to know didnt find this website till after) We are a very close shop and I thought she would keep it to herself and understand (I WAS WRONG). Since this time I have gotten my eye sight back but still have the numbness along with fatigue and other things(this list goes on). And although I only messed up a total of 5 people (yes I keep track) and I am not messing up anymore....SHE HAS MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL!!!. She has told everyone in our little town about whats going on with me.

Everything is now my fault because I have MS (she has put it this way). She even says this in front of clients. There have been a few that have come in with messed up hair cuts but I KNOW I didnt do them but she insists I did. "Well remember your sick" Because she has told pretty much everyone who has walked into the salon I have lost quiet a few clients they look at me like I have the plague. Even though I feel I still can give a great haircut (just takes me a little longer). I dont know what to do. I didnt want to tell the whole world and feel if I want to tell one of my clients thats my buiness not hers. Im sick of dealing with her coments everyday a few examples are

"Well your slowing down you need to keep up" note the other day I did 19 people she did 10
"Your memories not good I know you forget everything so you just dont remember messing up that person"
"MS is the new diagnosis everyone has it I think doctors are just using that because its an easy diagnosis and they dont want to admit its something else plus they will make alot of money if you have it"
"Do you really want to have kids what sort of life are they going to have with you like this"
"Do you really think your fiance is going to stick around with you now that you have MS"
"They say my sister has it but she knows better because shes a nurse its just lymes"
"I dont think MS is real"
"Your only 23 your to young to have MS"

And the list goes on.... Point being I never expected her to tell the whole world, make everything my fault even though I know its not, and basically treat me the way she does. I probably have a mental breakdown once a week due to her and her friends nailing horrible things into my head. Im strong mentally but when this is shoved into my head everyday I start to lose it. My mother inlaw wants me to lie to her and tell her they misdisagnosed me and I have some sort of thyroid problem. I dont know what to do lie to her and maybe get her off my back or give her something else to get on me for. The cats out of the bag but I need some way to put it back in before I completely lose my sanity.

Sorry to vent. I know you are all thinking why dont you just quit, Ive mentioned leaving to her then her tune changes and my MS isnt affecting my work until the next day and it goes back. There arent many jobs around here and I need mine. But I dont need this mental torture and to go home everyday in tears. I dont know what to do any ideas??? Should I lie or not?

**Post broken into paragraphs by Moderator for easier reading. Many people with MS have visual difficulties that prevent them from reading large blocks of print.**

[Bob698]

Do a quick check of the employment and disability laws in your state then tell your boss that she gets herself in all sorts of trouble every time she opens her mouth.
Don't talk to her as if its a threat, talk to her like you're scared the state will shut her down and you'll be out of a job.

Are you an employee or a subcontractor?

If you're an employee, you should go wired. I'm serious. There are recorders you can conceal that are voice activated. Depending on your state's laws, as long as one person knows the conversation is being recorded there is no violation of privacy; Furthermore you're not collecting evidence for a criminal case and the law is less selective in civil matters. She has no expectation of privacy if she is saying this stuff in her shop; It is open to the public. She is creating a hostile work environment. Keep stats. When she compares your work unfavorably to hers, point out the discrepancies like you did here. (She did 10, I did 19.) Write this stuff down and keep a journal. When you have as much evidence as you have laid out here, have a sit down with her.

Explain to her that you feel ever since you were honest about your diagnosis with you, you feel she has lost confidence in you. Let her see the written records you have kept of statements she has made, the record of your work load and performance, and if possible, the volume of business you have brought into the shop.

Ask her if she thinks that her statements and actions have contributed to your performance or hurt it. If after this conversation she seems contrite or willing to admit that she is uninformed about MS and that you are in fact pulling your own weight, it is time to ask her to back down and let you redeem yourself. You may win her respect.

If this does not help, engage the opinion of an employment attorney (make sure you share any recorded or written records of conversations) and call the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for your area. Do not tell her you are doing this. In the meantime, perhaps you should give a call to the Small Business Administration and research the possibility of setting up a salon of your own. There may be low interest loans available to a women with MS to open her own business. Running your own business can be twice as hard as being an employee, but the boss is always fair.

Good luck.

[Bob698]

Wire laws can be tricky, depending on which state you live in. However,
You can just keep a journal. When stuff happens, just document it including a date and time. If the boss tells a customer or co-worker about your condition, get their name. You'd be amazed how many people find the lord when they get deposed as a witness. If a co-worker doesn't like it, mention what will happen when its THEIR turn to have their life broadcast around town just because they cheezed off the boss.

Wire laws cover admissibility in court, not legality. Meaning, she won't be prosecuted for taping a conversation, but if it illegal it won't be allowed as evidence in a court. As I said, civil cases tend to not be quite so touchy about the technicalities of criminal laws. Her attorney can advise, but if it is admissible it would be invaluable.

[warriormomma23]

Tough work environment

So sorry you are going through a rough work environment.

I would not lie and say that it is something else. You would lose more credibility then. Also, in such a small town, SOMEONE would probably blab anyway.

YOU ARE strong mentally! It's easy to be triggered when someone is verbally bashing you.

Is it possible to listen to music in ONE ear when no one is there. It could possibly keep you from hearing some bad talk. Also, have you offered to FIX the bad haircuts? Can you offer a REDO style or possibly a free haircut (if they are willing)?

Again, sorry you going through this. I can VERY much empathize.

[spunky68]

OMG! I would set her up w/ "strangers" who get her running her mouth and they are then "witnesses".....I would speak to an attorney.

[pearlie619]

I would make sure that you have good proof and dosumentation of when you told her you have MS. And maybe follow it up again with another letter saying that since you informed her, you have felt a little uncomfortable with the treatment you have received. Ask her to document any work issues that she has with you so you can work on them or discuss them with your doctors to figure out a way to correct them. I realize that it is a small town and not a big corporation, but the same rules apply.

[drgnlny]

Call US Dept of Labor

What she is doing is flat out illegal and discrimanation. There are federal labor laws and ADA laws that woman is breaking left and right!!! I would seriously call your local US Dept of Labor office and advise them of these things...they will be able to tell you what rights you have and what you can do to stop these things from happening. And you probably also already have grounds for a lawsuit on top of filing formal complaints against her!!!

I'm sorry you are dealing with this!! It's awful - but I agree, don't lie. Being up front is the best way to go about it. What this woman is doing is what's wrong - not the fact that you have MS.

[babygirlamy]

I don't know how she could say such things!! You definately need to call someone and do something about this woman!!!

[LullabyJD]

You need an attorney, asap.

You need legal advice. Most especially, you need it before you go off on any evidence gathering (ie, voice recording, witness gathering, etc) efforts. Most attorneys will provide an initial consultation, free of charge. Call your local MS chapter for help, because from what you've posted, there are all sorts of federal employment laws being broken here.

(This is not legal advice, and is not intended to be a substitute for consultation with a licensed attorney. As always, the best help anyone can provide on the internet is this - "When in doubt, get an attorney.")

[Tawanda]

Employment: To disclose or not to disclose

This topic simply breaks my heart. You are ****ed of you do, and ****ed if you don't. Everybody makes mistakes at work, but if your boss knows you have M.S., they might exaggerate, document and start thinking of ways to push you out the door without getting sued. It stinks.

My M.S. cousin, who divulged his M.S., was eventually laid-off. We are not close, so I have never spoken to him about it. Lots of people get laid off, but in his case, I can't help but wonder if his disclosure had anything to do with it. His company has deep pockets when it comes to a lawsuit, so suing the u-know-whats is not usually a viable option.

On the other hand, there is the stress of not disclosing...worrying about a slip of the tongue or a symptom that is no longer invisible that you have to lie about., or a friend of a friend of a friend of your sister-in-law, for instance, lets it slip somewhere. Stress is bad for all of us, and worse when one is ill with M.S.!

Celebrities like Michael J. Foxx, Magic Johnson, and of course, Montel Williams were all "outed" without their consent, but later became mega-forces for their various causes. Of course, they are rich celebrities who do not have the same financial concerns as most of us.

I am curious to find out what happens to Pat Summit's career now that she revealed that she has early-stage dementia. Kudos to her, I wish her all the luck in the world, but again, she won't starve to death if her disclosure backfires as it did for my cousin.

I am on SSDI, so I never had to make this decision. However, making ends meet on SSDI is another ball of stressful wax in itself!

Wishing you, and all of us, peace with our individual decisions in this most perplexing matter.