cognitive issues??

[profe]

Hi all, it's been a while! But as someone else said here somewhere, we are all so busy & tired with teaching that we don't have/take time to hang out here.

I apologize now if this post starts to ramble--I'm so shaken up about this recently, and I don't quite know if I have a 'question' or just need to vent. Anyway, here goes:

I'm TERRIFIED about cognitive problems. Quake in my boots, sob into my pillow TERRIFIED. This is my 16th year teaching, but only my 3rd at my current school. I teach upper level (junior & senior) Spanish classes. This school is a very high-achieving, high-pressure, high-expectation place, and I find myself always drowning here. I don't know if it would have been any different if I'd stayed at my old school or not. I teach 6 classes a day, total of 150 students (which is nothing compared to what some teachers have, I know!) and I can just never keep up. By the time I'm done with my teaching day, I just don't have the mental energy to do anything else. Nothing at all, besides lay on the couch, pet the dog, and watch tv. Which sucks, but I could handle it, if that's all there was to it. But we all know it isn't--hours of planning & preparing, more hours of grading...I just feel like I can NOT do it all!!! We are on 6-week grading periods, and we just ended the 2nd grade period a week and a half ago. My principal came to me to talk about my grades--not the kids' actual final grades, but that parents were contacting him (not me, not my dept chair--straight to the principal! Grrr) with concerns about how few grades I had taken in my classes.

Talk about breaking down! Thank God I have the best husband in the world! He is so supportive and loving. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been there to help me cope. Even with his support, though, I had a good 3 days of near-total meltdown. I'm not a good enough teacher for this school, I just can't do it, what's wrong with me (well, other than the obvious...) and on and on.

But what it all boils down to is this: the REASON that I had so few grades in the grading period is the mental fatigue. I take the essays home to grade (because I just have to get OUT of school!) but then I just can't even wrap my head around the idea of even reading them, much less concentrating enough to grade anything. I try to read them, but I just can't focus on it. I know that grading stuff takes a while, but it shouldn't be harder for me to read than it was for the kids to write!

On several occasions I've told my husband that I feel like I can EITHER teach, OR lesson plan, OR grade, but I can't do ALL of them. I just don't have it in me.

Which brings me to the cognition issue. I'm scared stiff that I'm having real cognitive problems. I know that I need to go to the neuro and probably do the cognitive function testing. But I'm scared about what that will mean--whichever way it comes out. I'm scared that it will show real problems and I'll have to cope with that. I'm scared that it won't show a problem, and I'll be stuck in the same boat that I'm in now.

And if there is some reduction in cognitive function, how do I cope with that as a teacher? If I have a physical limitation, I get accomodations and I keep going. But as a teacher----if the problem/limitation is cognitive----seriously, what accomodation can be put in place for me at work for THAT??? I mean, wouldn't cognitive problems pretty much be the definition of "can't perform the responsibilities of the job"???

Maybe scariest of all is the fact that I have mixed feelings about what I "want" to be the solution to this. Is it horrible of me to sometimes wish that I could go on disability? I feel horrible even thinking it, but the thought of not having to deal with all this, of getting my brain back to myself.....the relief that I get from even contemplating it....

What to think? What to do? Tell me I'm not alone!

[chalknpens]

Cog could be depression

Hi Prof ....
I've been away from the boards for a while, denying MS, believing PD ... growing more and more depressed at the doctors refusal to see what I call PD as anything but MS ...

I'm sure my preoccupation with the diagnosis contributed to my distractibility, memory weakness, difficulty with word retrieval, poor recognition of which student was one of mine or not ...

I finally reached a point of low spirits and high anxiety, which only added to confusion and fear, I went to a counselor, and asked my family doctor to prescribe antidepressant and an anti-anxiety meds. I was at that time unable to read and comprehend my students' open responses (beyond their poor handwriting in pencil) ... I couldn't read a novel through ... and I stopped writing.

The meds, in a few months, began to have an effect. I can now read with comprehension and write creatively. I have not regained my ability to remember new names, but can recite a lot of old ones.

Fatigue, depression and anxiety can be directly attributed to ms lesions, or just the fact that you are depressed by the diagnosis. But they are also attributable to low vitamin D levels. I had a blood test, my levels were very low, and now my prescription is very high . Perhaps it, too, will help restore some cognition...

I am taking early retirement this June (2 years early) because I feel less capable than I had always been.
Early retirement just means leaving earlier than I had planned, and with a slightly smaller pension. There is no SSDI for public school teachers in our state. And the pension's "disability allowance" stops making a difference after ten years of service, and would not support a couple, let alone a family.

Yes, my mood has altered ... I feel I have given up a major goal, to finish at a maximum benefit, or to teach until they carried me out. I love my job. But I cannot continue to do it beyond this year.

I suggest you seek out a depression assessment, and have your vitamin D level checked out.

Wishing you all the best.

[Portia]

You should go ahead and do the cognitive test if you haven't already done one. It will establish a baseline. I was having cognitive difficulties. My concentration was nil and my short term memory was compromised. The cognitive test results came back quiet good according to the doctor. No matter, I said. I knew it wasn't normal for me. I knew I was not as sharp and versatile as I used to be. But, it did make me feel good that even as compromised as I was I was still considered high average and above average on most components of the test. And now there is the baseline information should I worsen and have to apply for disability.

[TundraGirl]

Right from my head!!!

"Maybe scariest of all is the fact that I have mixed feelings about what I "want" to be the solution to this. Is it horrible of me to sometimes wish that I could go on disability? I feel horrible even thinking it, but the thought of not having to deal with all this, of getting my brain back to myself.....the relief that I get from even contemplating it...."

I feel like this more than I want to admit. I LOVE teaching and would be sad to leave the field, but it is often overwhelming. I've gotten home from work and gone to bed for the night quite often during my years as a teacher (currently in my 10th year). Reminding myself that doing that doesn't make me a bad teacher/wife/woman has helped me immensely.

I, too, teach different languages (French is my specialty and I also teach WLS). Teaching world languages is challenging and energy-consuming! If your principal is being critical about the grades you give, make sure the things you grade are worth it. I grade a lot less now, but what goes in the book really means something.

So my question for you is one I ask myself often: Do you LOVE what you do enough to let other things go? Scary question to ask, but I believe it needs to be asked!

[Cartoonist2]

I used to have an intelligent, smart, fast and efficient brain. It's gone now and I have accepted it. Memory issues, lack of concentration, you name it, I probably have it.

Last week a friend called, because she had to. All my friends know I don't do phone calls anymore, can't concentrate. Suddenly, I felt ear pain. It's the kind of pain I get from holding the phone close, because I don't hear that well either. That's when I remembered I was on the phone, but couldn't remember who I was talking to and couldn't recognize the voice either. Then I saw my messenger screen open with her name on it. Ah, that cleared it up. Luckily she didn't even notice I wasn't listening, rofl!!

[Nabbosa]

Stress etc

Hey, Profe!

Last year, in my first year as adjunct faculty, I was having a horrible time with energy levels, too. Even though I teach part-time, a lot of other stuff was taking up my time and energy - getting to know how things work, hauling around technical equipment because it was missing from the classrooms, commuting.

This year, I reassessed how to award grades. I've got the same number of assignments, but made some of them in-class assignments so that I don't have to grade papers at home. That has changed my workload significantly, and makes students practice oral skills and cooperating in a group. Besides that, they police themselves to some extent - nobody wants to disappoint group members, and group members apply peer pressure for everyone to do a good job since the group gets a grade. This also makes it easier for me because the quality of the work is much higher.

Also, I decided not to do anything fancy-schmancy about adding new material. I found I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to be super teacher, but in ways that "didn't count" - not for the students, and not for my colleagues. Can you identify some of these things in your situation, and remove the stress of being an overachiever?

Also, I've found that I'm sleeping better this year - in part, because I'm not as worried about the job. I also started a regular exercise program (I skate for about an hour after I finish up at work). The advice about exercise curbing fatigue really is true. It really sounds as if it should be a contradiction, but it has helped me a lot - maybe also because it is an hour that belongs to me, no matter what.

This term, I've had a lot fewer days of coming home and "napping" for four hours before getting up to go to bed. I wish that for you, too!

Hope the winter breaks brings you some relaxation!